TweekWords

full bottles, balloons, and puff the glass bowl
Another night now day to empty the soul
Deceptions, reflections and misconceptions
Mistrust, misuse, and abuse.
another night high flying, can't sleep now the shadows are crying

Addiction seeping in through her pores entangling and intertwining with reality
as the real her escapes further from life that bores
deeper into the dark broken mind of the an unknown lonely life

A new day dawning, a girl left yawning, a mind so still and quiet.
Knowing why and how her life is changing and still can't or won't stop the ride.
A journey not for the faint hearted, and not for one with true fear to hide.
Freedom being sought after, no purpose she is finding.
How does one clean up and move on when death is so inviting

Lessons learning

Lessons learning...
Rich was a lesson I had to learn.
I'm not going to be negative or downer about the 5 month relationship.
Rich taught me the biggest hurdle I had in my early 20's - I could be loved. Nearer the end he doubted my love for him but I didn't because as he loved me more and more it was teaching me I could be loved and love in return.
Like my favourite movie always said
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return"
I'm not going to sit here and dwell on all the negative qualities he had/has because then my focus isn't positive and isnt about learning and growing and bettering myself as a person.
He made me laugh, uncontrollably and giggle like a school girl with his words, his rock hunting moments, his ideas (team mef Olympics) his cleaning. He made me think about deep thoughts with his lyrics which were always deep and dark (but did turn positive for a while)
He cared and made me a coffee or berrocca at 6am.
He learned to listen -not just her my words but listen and most of all he understood my pain and suffering. He understood my insecurities and told me how beautiful I looked even with messy hair and no make up.
He partied with me (at the start) and danced and watched me dance.
He taught me a lot about the "game" and safety tricks of the trade which I took on board and changed by ways.
He was a emotionally manipulative man but I don't think he realised (still doesn't no doubt) but that is his issue and lesson to come through not mine.
Rich was a lesson in my life and a valuable one for sure. So many little things all rolled into one epic adventure but nightmare all the same.
We were so good for each other but so bad. I've not laughed so much or cried so much with one person (sometimes in one day)
I want nothing more than for us to be good friends until the end. I'm going to get clean and I hope he'll do the same not for me but for himself.
He is a sexy, dark, dangerous, mysterious man, rugged yet sensitive, caring yet selfish. Broken and lonely just like me.
My first love in my life - Richard Gilbert.

Purpose and Pride .... Or something

Discovering purpose. Whilst dropping my god daughter at school today I watched as she eagerly showed me around her classroom. She beamed with pride of the things she had done so far. Could I do the same of myself recently? No.
Do I want to be proud of what I achieve and what I do ... Yes. But to whom do I want to show that pride too?
A society which creates pressure to perform and live to a certain standard ... Have a good job, earn money, gt married, have children, but house with white pikket fence and live happily ever after ?! Yeah right.
I think in me thinking about what kind of person I am and who and what I want to be when I grow up I have to look to my unborn child ad I imagine as I drop them at school how they look up to me ... Am I a druggie mother who can barely support her child, am I a busy working mum who doesn't have time to even drop her child at school or am I a balanced parent. Yes I party and parties harder before children but now I party, I take the children w me to day festivals where music is the love. I care and work to make ends meet so my children have what they need and I am happy w that. That is what my purpose will be.
But what for now? I think I need to find what makes me happy and my perfect partner will follow