I really want to lose weight!

I weigh myself daily and im going insane!
I really want to lose weight. But i have lost my motivation to starve. I need to find something to eat that is low cal and fills me up. And then i need to find a way to make my sister believe i am eating more than i am!

She says I cant hide how thin I am by wearing layers anymore. but thing is
I AM NOT THIN!

I weigh 110lbs (50kgs) and my legs are getting fat! They are almost touching!
I need to do more exercise but again i have to hide it from my sister!

Cant wait to move to London where i can do whatever the hell i want.

Nothing I do will ever be good enough

Conversation between my sister and I

[21:59:21] Sister: Glad yr mum can make u feel better ... why have u stopped talking to me?
[22:01:24] Me: i havent stopped talking to you. i was upset cos of the comment you said last night after i said i hadnt had dinner. and didnt wanna ruin your day by saying anything to you. so had a cry to mum.
[22:02:03] Me: and i felt like you were grumpy at me this morning. cos i offered to help out and you said no
[22:03:25] Sister: well i am not gonna celebrate yr not eating & trying to kill yourself to sorry if that annoys u! There was nothing 4 u to do this morning because i was doing downstairs & vaughan was upstairs, no reason 2 read more into it than that
[22:05:08] Me: i didnt purposely not eat i was out having fun and didnt think about it. and on my walk home was deciding what to have when i got home. I was gonna go into the kitchen first but deicded to come into the lounge.
[22:05:44] Me: i dont want you to celebrate that i didnt eat. jus hurt cos thats all you are focusing on.
[22:07:48] Sister: Well i guess i dont really believe u becuase yr body languange showed that u were really happy about not having dinner & we both know that focusing on 'not' eating is what u r doing.
[22:07:53] Sister: Anyway I am off to bed
[22:07:53] Sister: Nite
[22:08:35] Me: i was actually happy cos i had spent no money and had fun and for a minute felt normal again.
[22:09:04] Me: im trying to focus on helping myself. i know you dont believe me and thats why i didnt wanna say anything4
[22:09:13] Me: night

I dont know what to do. She is the one who has pushed me to get help and now that i have done it (by myself too) its like its not good enough for her.
She wants me to talk to her but doesnt actually wanna hear what i have to say.

I feel like im going mad. Thing is... i know what i am thinking. She doesnt know what i am thinking, she is just assuming she knows. she thinks she knows me so well but im trying to change im trying to help myself here and she is jus bringing me down!!

Saturday night and today!

So last night I went out to a karaoke bar with my mate. Kelly (who offered) dropped me down in town at 6pm and i got a txt from Vaughan at 7.30 saying dinner was at 8pm and to let kel know if i was gonna be home. It was a nice txt. so i txt kelly and said i would either get something out or when i got home. She jus txt back OK.
Then as i was walking home i was thinking bout having some toast and i got in and was sitting on the couch (10.30pm) and I said to kel "i spent no money tonight how good was that" and she then said "so guess you havent had dinner then?" i said no. and she goes "oh what a suprise!"
I just went to bed. I couldnt go into the kitchen after that and make my toast cos it would seem like i was only doing it cos she had said that.
I had just had such a good night out and felt so crappy! I had every intention on having some toast. I didnt say that to get a comment like that from her. Its like she is just waiting for me to screw up and doesnt believe i can do it.

I then got up this morning and she was being all weird with me. I went downstairs and she was filling up the sink to do the dishes and i said i can do those, she said no its fine. So i went back upstairs then came down bout ten minutes later and said is there anything you want me to do. She said NO
Then about 10 mins later she asked Vaughan to do the vacumming?? And he had jus cleaned the loo's.. Why didnt she say to me to do the vacumming? I went for an hours walk and had a cry cos felt so useless. And came home and they are still doing cleaning. Why didnt she want my help?
She will prob complain later that i have done nothing all day!?

I honestly sometimes cant wait to move to London. I sometimes feel like im trapped. Like they are my parents and i need to ask their permission to go out or whatever. I feel like i need to move to london to get some indepencey and do my own thing. Without having to think about whether i be home for dinner or having to be quiet when i do get home.
I dont need people watching my every move and commenting on whether i do or dont eat. It doesnt help me at all. Just makes me feel like a big fat failure!!

Vaughan

So tonight Vaughan finally said something to me about everything. They were talking bout Kelly finding a job and Vaughan suggested me working for them for the next 6 months (over summer) cash in the hand so i can work when they leave. He then went on to say -
"i dont want this to come across as nasty in any way but do you think you are strong enough to live in london on your own. You have a chance to help yourself and i personally think you need to stick with it. london you will be alone, do you think you are ready for it, cos im not 100% sure you are"

I didnt know what to say cos here i am convincing myself london is the right place to go, its what i want, and i was telling myself i could do it. But now im not sure. If no one else thinks i can do it, why should i. and it would be good to work under the table since i only have 8 months left to work but 15 months in the country. Hmmmmm. I dunno. I guess it will all depend on how much kelly wants to work and if she can find a job and if they really want me here for another 6 months.
Cos if i continue with counselling (unsure on that) but if i do... then it not gonna be easy. and sometimes i feel like i am worse off here. cos theyy know so much about me its hard to start over. but guess i can do that when they go home.

Like today for example. kelly offered me a gingerbread man and i said yeah ok and she looked shocked. I almost gave it back cos i instantly felt guilty. How am i gonna be able to get better when no one thinks or believes me??

Decisions decisions

Is she angry at me AGAIN?

I think Kelly might be angry at me again reason why?? last night maybe?
* last night she went to bed and didnt say good night. Just walked out.
* today I got up and went into her room as normal and got a funny vibe
I tried to be normal but felt like i was wanted there.
* walking down the road there was silence. I didnt know what to say
* was walking down the road and talking about dress size. I said how i am scared i will be fat for summer and she just goes " whatever" and sighs. I cant win. She wants me to talk to her bout this but just says things like "whatever" when i do say something. Its like she is saying shut up about it already. This is how i feel. I went to bed last night and cried cos i am so scared about being fat for summer. I dont know if i really want to do this.
* at lunch time i asked if she wanted to have a toasted s/w cos i was making it and she jus goes no its ok. then when i was in the kitchen came in, didnt say anything to me, got her lunch and left
* when she came back in i said are you grumpy with me.. she said no.. why... i said cos you look like you grumpy with me... she jus said. oh.. no.
* didnt really talk all arvo
* tonight she went up to the tesco to get milk. She used to invite me to go with her. I know it sounds silly but she always has come in and said "come for a walk" and if i say "uhhh" she would always go "c'mon keep me company" BUT NOT TONIGHT!

sometimes i just want to say FUCK YOU and not eat their food and jus do my own thing but i know i cant do that. cos she has done so much for me and it would be so rude of me.

I think she is gonna use that against me... if i dont get better she will turn around and say i have always supported you blah blah blah and make me feel guilty.

Wonder what tonight brings.

Dream

I had a really odd dream last night.
We (dunno who we is) were at my old house in Wymer Road and 1st there was a baby in the back room and i was going down the hallway (which was unusually long) and telling everyone to be quiet cos the baby was asleep.
Then i was playing drums up by the bathroom but half of the drum kit was missing.
Then I was in the bathroom and a guy came in and he was really drunk and he tried to kiss me and touch me and take my clothes off but i kicked him off me and ran out.
Then i was at school and i told christie what had happened and she told me i had to stop making these things up. I had brusies all over me from him trying to grab me but she still didnt believe me.

Dinner

Dinner tonight didnt go to well.

We had a stir fry and i didn't like it. So i ate the noodles on the bottom.
Then Kelly asked did i not like it... i said no ... she then said what else am i gonna have... i said i will get something soon... i looked up at her and she was looking at me with a look like "whatever" so i said ... i will get something jus give me a minute. She got up and stormed out.

And now she has gone upstairs with her laptop. I dont know what she is doing. Probably getting away from me.

I dont know how im supposed to do this when she doesnt believe me when i say something.

How can i believe in myself when no one else believes what im saying.

I understand its hard for her cos i have lied before but whats the point in trying if she doesnt believe me??!!

Appointment

So today I had an appointment with a counsellor in Hove that I found online.
I was so nervous i didn't sleep too well last night and woke up feeling sick and scared and nervous and everything!
When we got to the place i was almost sick. I stood outside for a few minutes building up my confidence.
The lady was really nice and told me about herself and asked me all sorts of questions (not jus the shit stuff)
It was scary to open up to a stranger but she made me feel comfortable about it.
Told her about the assault, the ED and then we talked about my family and i told her what an asshole my father is... and that was about it.
She said something which has kinda stuck - rather than thinking of counselling as something i have to do and think of it as a gift to myself and i am doing it for myself.
As i wrote that last sentence I have suddenly thought why do i deserve this? Why think of it as a gift and doing something nice for myself when I have done NOTHING to deserve it.
Damn it...
I was doing so well and thinking so good and now i jus feel like a failure. I dont deserve to give myself a gift, i havent done anything worthy of a gift.
I have come here and caused pain and worry for everyone. I am a selfish person who needs to grow up - i dont deserve to give myself a gift.
I am a fat useless human being what do i deserve!?!

continue on from yesterday

I went downstairs the same day and tried to explain and kelly had said she was angry cos i had re acted that way and that she only wants to support me and feels like it gets thrown back in my face. And she said i need to grow up and take control of my life.

So i have an apointment on Tuesday to see a counsellor - at 10am.

I am so incredibly scared.

My sister asked what i am affraid of and i said i wasnt sure, She then said are you affraid of being normal.
And i guess i kinda am. Although i hate this illness i also feel safe with it. I have it protecting me, i can fall back on it when things are going bad. And although i hate having the voice in my head - i kinda like it. I can depend on it to be honest (although i know realise its not really the truth)

Arguement

So i had an arguement with my sister today.

I went downstairs and was talking to her and she said she had a theory on why i was coughing again so much - and that is was cos im not eating again.

I said i am and said i was 51 kgs and she didnt believe me

I went upstairs and said "isnt 51kgs fat enough for you" and she yelled back "grow up amy"
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So the thing is - about 3 weeks ago i cut my food intake then stopped eating. And weighed 48kgs but now i thought i was doing ok, i ate dinner and something small every day last week.
I weighed myself this morning and am 51 kgs.
AND THATS THE TRUTH!

I thought i was doing good and felt proud of myself cos i had eaten something every day last week when i had the opportunity to starve myself for 8 days straight. But i didnt.

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I went upstairs and cut myself cos i was so angry that she doesnt believe me and that i had tried so hard all for nothing.
She then went shopping without me (without even saying anything to me too) and Vaughan went out and i was upset cos she had done that...
so i punched the wall and now my knuckles are all brusied and swollen.

But it released the anger...

Then after kelly acting like that this morning and not believing me. I sorta think whats the point in trying cos she doesnt believe me anyway.

Why

Why do i want to be miserable??
Why cant i be happy??

I went out to my mates place today for lunch. They were having this big family lunch thing.
everything was going well... i ate some food and doing ok... but started thinking bout my family and how close these guys all are and how i miss my family...

I ended up making an excuse to go home cos i felt so crap... I jus wanna be with my mum and friends. Why didnt i go away with my sister... im really regreting staying home. It was nice having scott down but now i am alone and i hate it. Im sitting here drinking cider to try and make me feel better - even tho i know i will only feel worse.

Why is that when i drink i always have the urge to step out into traffic or hang myself or something silly. Its not that i want to do it... its that i get the urge to do it like its my only choice.

i dunno

I jus wanna be happy!

Scott

So Scott came down from London yesterday. I hadnt eaten all day.
We went down to the Pier and then out to dinner.... i had some pizza... we sat and talked for ages and i didnt even feel bad that i had eaten.

Then today i had more food than i normally would have.

I kinda feel ok, im freaking out that im gonna get on the scales tomoro morning and be twice my weight but i cant show it to scott cos he will think im crazy!

I really like him, i think.
I have told him that before once through a txt but he has a girl (or something) back in NZ. Thing is he comes all the way down here to spend his days off with no drinking etc. and today when we were walking along he puts his arm around my middle. Kelly says not to read into it but its hard not too.
I dunno.
I dont know if i could do anything with him cos i dont wanna freak out on him and ruin it completley. Which i think i would. I really want to be able to be with someone but i jus cant get there.
We havent even kissed. And i dont wanna make the first move cos i have told him how i feel so yeah... dont wanna be rejected again.

confused

I feel so lost right now..

Here i am given this opportunity to get better and have private counselling and i dont know whether i am gonna do it or not.

I mean of course i want to get better but at the same time can i actually give this up?
This anorexia has been apart of me, comforts me, tells me the honest truth (ok maybe not) is my friend, my safety net, my life, Can i give it up.

Who will i be without it? What kind of person am i really?

Of course i dont want to be like this all my life, i would love to be happy healthy and having fun but i jus rely on anorexia so much to give me what i really want. And thats to be in control.

If i start "recovery" then i start losing control.

I feel like im going mad.

I dunno whether to hit something, scream or cry or what!!

I think i need to stop being ridiculous and take the help while it is being offered. And hopefully start to get rid of thishorrid voice inside my head. Everytime i say to myself i can do it - its like an echo saying NO YOU CANT... and its very persuasive!!

hmmmmmmmm

Progress or what?

So my mum called here today and talked to my sister about me for about 30minutes.

She said she just wants me to get better and will do anything she can to help. She even offered to pay for private counselling if want it.

I have been such a grump the last couple weeks feeling down and useless.
Thing is i am back under 50kgs... weighing in at 48kgs. I know not much under 50 but still under!! And i dont wanna ruin that by eating heaps and putting the weight back on.

Right now im undecided about what to do.

My sister also said she doesnt want me to move to london. She wants me to stay here so i can get better. But i think i need to go to London and do this for myself.

Unwanted/Unloved

Latley i been feeling really unloved and unwanted around here.

Josh just screams when i come into the room and doesnt want me to pick him up or anything. Doesnt want me around..

Kelly doesnt talk to me much and is acting all funny so she doesnt want me around

And as much as Vaughan says im wanted and welcome to stay I know he will be glad to see me gone.

I think the sooner i move to London the better. They can get on with being a family and enjoy themselves without me bringing them down.

I sent Kel that really long email and got no reply - she said to me on sunday when she was in my room that she read the mail and that was about it.