Christmas Day 2008

So i had told myself that i could do it and that i could pretend to be normal and happy for at least one day.
I ate snacks - cheese and crackers and olives before our lunch. And had wine and ate some turkey and potatoes and bread sauce and other yummy things. And felt good - for a while.

Then i tried calling my best mate and no answer - and everyone was making jokes about her cos of where she works and i felt crap cos it was like they were making fun of me.
So i tried to call her again- no answer, then i tried calling my 2 other best mates and no answer either. Then all of a sudden i realised i was alone. I have no one.

It didnt help that i had alot of alcohol in my system. So i said good night and went upstairs. And cried and cried and cried. I then cut myself. A couple small ones on my legs then i did one on my wrist and it bled and i think it is quite deep. I have never seen it like this. And it hurts alot!!

So after doing all of that i still felt terrrible and tried calling my friends again but no answer.
I decided the only thing to do was to kill myself. I used my hair straightner cord and tied it in a noose around my neck and went out onto my balcony in the freezing cold and stood there crying.
I didnt want to do it but felt it was my only choice.
I kept thinking someone was gonna come save me but no one did.
I went back inside after maybe 15 minutes and then Milly called.

I didnt answer the first time but then she txt me and called again and i answered and she talked me out of it. It was what i needed, someone to show they care.

I realised too that i didnt want my sister or her friend or their young boys to find me cos thats not fair on them.
This is not the time or the place. And if i am to do it. I need to take sleeping tablets so its not horrible on the person that finds me.

For now i will just smile and pretend like im ok.

I told my sister i will even have desert today. So there may be more tears tonight!!

Im not too sure

How i feel at the moment. Im torn between the need to be thin and the want to be happy.

I want to be happy and i know that the only way i can truly be happy is by gaining weight and eating properly. But right now i feel the only way i can be happy is if i am thinner.

I have no motivation to starve though, this is the problem. I dont want to eat but i am enjoying food too much to give it up altogether.

Work is the worst cos i get so bored that i start eating. I even have crisps some days. I need to do something else when i feel hungry - i just havent figured out what that other thing can be.

It was easy in the bakery - i was surrounded by food all day that i just didnt feel hungry.

I dont know how i feel and what to do really.

So the last few days

Ive been feeling really crappy about myself.

I weighed myself and it said 52kg!! Thats like 114 lbs!!
I sat on my floor and cried!! And now i feel worse than ever, cos i not only have gained weight but i look like ive gained weight, my tummy is all fat and bloated and i jus wanna starve myself but i CANT!
Im eating! And i cant stop. I feel like i need to make the choice and stick to it. I swing between eating and starving and its killing me. Im not happy for eating. I look disgusting and feel even worse. I cant be happy eating so i need to stop eating. But i jus cant, i get so hungry and then eat.
I hate myself for it. I have no strength to say no. Even tho my head is screaming at me not to eat!

Im such a mess. This prob doesnt even make much sense. I jus feel so upset with myself for letting myself get into this state!!

Sick :(

So ive been sick the last few days full of the flu.

But im still eating.
Its strange, i actually acknowledge when im hungry and eat. Ive had toast every morning this week and lunch and snacks (even a choc biscuit) and dinner.
Just before i eat i suddenly have second thoughts but then eat anyway. And i still feel guilty after eating but i am trying to ignore it.

I havent felt empty hungry all week.

Thing is, im scared that this isnt gonna last. Im scared im gonna wake up one morning and be back in that horrible place being controlled and hating myself as much as i used to.
I dont wanna go back there, i actually feel happy - i feel good about things and im actually enjoying eating.

What am i gonna do if she comes back - cos every time this has happened she (anorexia) has come back stronger than ever.
I am trying so hard to keep her away. I will ruin everything if i let her take control again. Im just not sure if i know how to fight her off. I dont know if im strong enough.

I know she is not 100% gone, i still cry at night after staring at myself for ages in the mirror. I think i just have to realise i am never going to be thin enough or pretty enough, i may as well just get used to it and start living my life!

Nobody really likes people with problems, everyone has enough problems of their own to have to worry about someone else. So im gonna either
1. continue eating and if she comes back i am just gonna hide it from kelly so she doesnt get worried. or
2. pretend like everything is ok then when i move to london next year i wont have anyone around watching over me and i will be able to eat or not eat or do whatever i want!

Althought i must admit it is sort of nice to be worried about. Its nice to know that someone cares.
Sometimes i just wish it was my mum that would worry and care about me.

I dont know what to do sometimes. I feel like im going crazy!

I go through the mind set of yes yes i can do it, i really want to recover. Then all of sudden i change and i realise what a useless waste of space i am and how i will never recover or escape from this horrible existence.

I have good days - that dont seem to last very long any more. And on these days i am so happy i think "yeah i can do this, i want to be happy, i have the strength to do this"

Then i have the bad days that seem to last longer and longer and these days i am so moody and Kelly told me so... and i hate myself and feel i dont deserve food or help or anything and i lie in bed crying and actually think about ending it all!!
And now i have resorted to cutting myself - which i haven't done in months. Its such a good release, but i now it is so bad to do!

Why does this have to be such a battle, why cant i just choose recovery and that be it.. recover...
I am so angry at myself for being such a loser!!!

Massive Weekend!

So this weekend, i didnt eat too much as i went out to Ministry of sound on Friday. Had half a toasted sandwhich and some crackers for dinner. Then sat i had a packet of crisps and some crackers all day.
Thats the great thing about drugs... ya never feel hungry!!! :)

Ate food sunday tho. Had a roll with pork on it, then lunch i had a homemade burger and some chips then a couple cheese and crackers at 3pm and think we having soup for dinner.

Feeling bit sad today tho. I spoke to mum on skype this morning, and she said that next time we speak on skype could i at least put some make up on. I was really hurt. I cant help but take comments like that seriously.
I stared in front of the mirror for ages trying to convince myself that im not ugly and mum didnt really mean that. But then i firgued i may as well just get used to it. Im not a pretty girl. not much i can do about it!

Feeling Good

So for the last few days ive been feeling ok. Feeling like i can do this -again.

I dunno whats changed. But something has changed again. But this is what happens. It goes in cycles. I wonder how long it will last this time??

I had a bit of a melt down on Tuesday night, my brother in law asked me if i wanted to go for a run and i said no. And then felt instantly fat and lazy! Like he was doing exercise and i wasnt so that made me fat and lazy!
I went upstairs and sat on the floor and cried for a bit. Then when i went back downstairs my sister just wouldnt let it go. She kept asking what was wrong and i eventually told her how bad i was feeling. How lazy and disgusting i felt. For once she didnt seem to get angry she just said she doesnt know what to say to make me feel better but i shouldn feel like that cos i walk to work and back everyday and just cos i dont go for a run doesnt make me fat or lazy!

So ive been having lunch and dinner all week. And this morning i had a piece of toast for breakfast. I feel good too. I havent got on the scales for a few days and like i said to kelly, i dont wanna get on the scales and see that ive put on heaps of weight cos then i will just be upset. And im feeling good i dont wanna ruin it!

Catch up....

Friday - went to the pub for lunch with work... i had a cider and an omlette... felt full but didnt have anything else. Went back to the pub after work and got drunk then got home just in time for dinner :( only had a piece of pizza and some garlic bread. Sat there for ages looking at another piece of pizza and i really wanted it, but just couldnt bring myself to get it. I think if i had been offered it i might have agreed. But i couldnt get it on my own.

Saturday - Left early for Paris. Had a coffee, at St Pancras, was gonna have something else but there was only sweet stuff there so didnt want anything.
And i was hungover so coffee and orange juice did me just fine. Had no lunch. And arrived in Paris at 2pm. Had starbucks later and went halves with kelly in some toasted sandwhich and bagel.
Went and checked out a mall and then went out for dinner. Had some pate as an entree` and salmon as a main. Had a talk to kelly about lots of things.. she ended up telling me that contrary to what i thought, she is not actually comfortable with herself and hates her body. That was really upsetting to hear cos it was so nice to be around people who arent dieting all the time or comparing them selves to me (my mum)

Sunday- Oh my gosh! I had breakfast! I had an apricot thing with my coffee at starbucks and immediatley felt horrible.... I was trying to hide it from my sister tho! But i think she knew.
We then spent 3 hours biking around Paris, just at a leisury pace but still some exercise. Had a late lunch and it gets worse... I had french onion soup which was yummy! And THEN i had a chocolate crepe!! I cant quite believe it. I sat there for ages staring at it and couldve easily not eaten it but didnt want to waste the money!!
Dinner that night was at Hard Rock Cafe and i had a steak sandwhich thing and chips...
Did loads of walking throughout the arvo and evening but i still lay awake at night thinking about what i had eaten, and felt disgusting!

Monday- So had breakfast again - had a piece of french toast with my starbucks coffee... I didnt feel too bad but cant shake that guilty feeling... like i am doing something horrible. Even tho my sis tells me im doing something fantastic... it sure doesnt feel like it. Did loads of walking then had lunch at 2pm, had a big lunch cos we had a light dinner ... lunch was escargot (snails) as my entree` and steak and chips and wine. Then had some pringles on the eurostar home and coke zero... then noodles for dinner...

I felt ok with eating food this weekend cos i keep justifying that i was doing plenty of walking but i weighed myself when i got home and was 51kgs ... 112lbs... So 2 kgs heavier than when i left so had a bit of a melt down and did loads of quiet floor exercises while balling my eyes out.
But got up this morning and felt ok. Fat but ok.
I had lunch today and had more pringles.. i think ive had about 600 or 700 cals so far, dont actually know for sure.
I am full right now. Im trying not to hate myself for feeling full.
I think im doing well too, I feel ok.

What to do... what to do

So again tonight, kelly told me she had finished reading the book (self help books) and that she really thinks i should read them.
She said "its up to me what i do, but do i really wanna be miserable all my life"

Thing is, i am not doing this on purpose... I want to be happy and be able to eat what ever i want whenever i want but i just can 't do it. I want to recover but i cant. I have tried to eat and feel ok but i cant even go a week without freaking out about food and my weight!

I dunno what to do. I am so confused. Its like two of me inside my head...
Maybe i will try the book, cant hurt right. :/

And well done to Laura! I am so proud of you hun for getting out of that horrible home environment. I knew you could do it. That is such a huge step for you babe. I am so freaking proud, i almost cried readuing your blog. Stay strong. We can do this hun.

Sunday - not Fun Day

So i think i have just been a total waste of space today. I've done nothing but wrong doings today.

Lunch time - Vaughan said to me "when you do the dishes can you put the knives face down" i just said ok he then went on to say "cos if i reached in to get something i would cut myself on them wouldnt I"
Its not what he said tho, its how he said it. Like i he had chopped off his finger and it was my fault.

Then this arvo he called out from the kitchen "who put the bin liner in" we both didnt quite hear him cos we were talking so he shouted again. Kelly got up and went in there and he lost it, was like "who put this in here cos no rubbish is in the bag cos its been put in wrong."

They have had a huge fight bout it.
Thing is, its all my fault. I think i put the bin liner in, cos the one in there was broken so i put a new one in but obviously didnt quite do it properly. So thats how i ruined Sunday.
I havent told them it was me tho.
If i had have just taken a bit more time then they would never have had the fight and it would all be ok.
Now im upstairs in my room hiding cos i know its my fault and i feel so bad for causing an arguement!!

The Weekend so Far

So Friday night turned out to be an interesting night. I did 45 minutes of exercise when i got home, I had the house to myself and couldnt be bothered going for a run so i ran up and down the stairs and did star-jumps and situps and was exhuasted after 45 minutes.

We then only had soup for dinner!! :)

I went up to my room early so i could watch my movie - For the love of nancy - and Kelly messaged me on facebook asking if i was ok. And I ended up telling her that im not ok, Im sad, confused, lonley etc. and told her that i hadnt been eatigng properly and she said she knew it and that i should go and see someone and i agreed (but we will see if anything happens, cos this is what happened a few weeks ago, it was talked about but nothing happened) Do i have to organise it? I can't, im too scared. I mean i want to get better but i don't as well. I cant get fat!!

So saturday - went out shopping only had a scone and coffee for lunch. Kelly and Vaughan went out for dinner and movie so i had half of my microwave spag bol. BUT i had some chocolate... Hence why i only had half my dinner.
I then did a line if coke and sat in the bathroom and took a blade to my leg.
I havent cut myself in months... And it sorta felt good. In a weird sorta way. It was a comfort to know that if i need to i could still inflict pain on myself and that i was in control.
It was a good release. Except my leg is hurting now. I think i cut it a little too much cos if i move too much it hurts.

So here I am sunday. I think next week im gonna try really hard to lose a couple pounds. Im still sitting on 108lbs (48kgs) but i wanna lose at least another 2 lbs. I need to be empty.
But we will see how that goes.

recovery... i realise now

So i realised why i have not carried on with recovery... and i hope i can find the strength to tell my sister this...

When i first got over here and my sister was talking to me heaps about my eating disorder and she was saying how she really wanted to help and that we would get thru it together it was like this big novelty, i guess you could say. This is the first person that cares enough to talk to me honestly and she wants to help. And i think that is why i was so into recovery. She was saying all this great stuff and i was feeling so strong like i could do it. But over the past few weeks, once ive started work, she hasn't said much about recovery, other than "ive finished the book" it sorta feels like she is over it. She doesnt wanna help. Or that she thinks im doing really well (but i dont think its that one) cos everytime she finds out i havent had much food she gets all angry at me.

Its like she expects me to just be ok. Yes i said i would try recovery but after her not talking anymore about it or doing anything about it, i have given up the idea. I dont need to recover. I have it all under control.

She doesnt wanna help me, well thats fine, i dont need the help.

I just get sick of the guilt trips she lays on me. Like when i say i had dinner out and she clearly can see im lieing. She jus walks away with a pout and look on her face. What does she expect me to do.

She cant just expect me to say "YES i'll recover " and then be ready to do it. I think its gonna take alot more than nice words to make me WANT to recover.

I dunno. Im so lost!!

Panic Attack

So walking home from work today and as i walk along a narrow path through the park by my work a guy who i thought looked a little bit mentally disabled was walking towards me and as i got closer he stopped where he was and looked straight at me and put his arms out as if he was gonna hug me. I tried to move to the opp side to where he was standing but he just moved too. I then got up close and side stepped him and walked really fast up the road. The whole way home i was crying and by the time i got home i was so freaked out i was having a full blown panic attack.
I was shaking and crying and couldnt breathe and sweating. It was scary, i was so freaked out and i was scared i wasnt gonna be able to calm down.

I have not had a panic attack in over a year. And i forgot how scary it is.

I know i freaked out for no reason, the guy wouldnt have actually hurt me i dont think, it was still light out with loads of people around. But i just panicked. I felt so vulnarable and scared and my first thought was he is going to rape me. And i remember how i felt straight after i was raped and how i felt so disgusting and violated and hurt.
All of those feelings that i felt soon after the rape came rushing back and freaked me out.

The worst part is, is that i am probably gonna be faced with this for the rest of my life. I will always feel scared and panic when put in any situation like that. And that scares me almost as much as the guy did this arvo.

She is catching on...

So tonight, while dishing up dinner, Kelly asked "how much rice i wanted"... and then added
"since you not eating again" I said that I am eating... and she responded with, not much... then said, you'll start fainting again, if you havent already !!
I was a bit shocked at her saying that, considering that i fainted last thursday.
So i continued with "and when would i faint? without you noticing?" she said "oh i dunno, when im not here like last week"

I'm now wondering if she has read my diary that i keep beside my bed with my calorie intake and thoughts in. I dunno if she would, but why else would she randomly talk about fainting. Im scared.
I am trying to be careful with what i say and do.

Yesterday i complained that my pants were to baggy and Kelly automatically said "have you lost weight?" then when i said "no" she asked what i weighed and i said "why is that important" she then said "so you must have lost weight if you cant tell me" and so i said 49kgs (only a small lie, am 47.5)
then last night i only had a small portion of my dinner... i felt like id had heaps.
Kelly asked "what's wrong" i said nothing
"she said there must be something wrong, your not eating"

So she is caatching on...
I need to be careful

so i had dinner tonight... and am trying to pretend like im happy, like i feel good. But i am sitting here watching Miss Naked Beauty, seeing all these confident happy girls and its making me feel so unhappy and insecure about myself.

Christmas

So tonight i had a conversation with my sister about chrsitmas.. this is how it went.
A: Is your friends coming down on xmas??
K: dunno, havent asked them
K: are you gonna be here?
A: what do you mean?
K: are you gonna be here or are you going somewhere?

WHAT THE? Seriously? where would i go, i have like 2 friends in Brighton and they will be with their families. Where does she think i will go.
Does she not want me here on christmas?
Is that her way of telling me i should go elsewhere on christmas??
Why did she say that?
Where does she think i was planning on going??
Should i go somewhere now? Maybe get a bottle of wine and go sit in the park?

I feel so unwanted right now. Like she doesnt want me around on christmas!
I definatley feel like im in the way now. I'm gonna ruin their christmas! They dont want me here, they want a family christmas... Kelly, Vaughan and Josh.
They have their family, i'm just the annoying tag along... im that bad smell that follows them everywhere.

I wish they would just tell me that they didnt want me, then i would leave. Then i would know for sure.

LIES, LIES, LIES

I feel guilty for eating - i hate feeling full and regret eating soon after i do it. But then i feel guilty when i dont eat cos Kelly gets so annoyed with me and gives me her look...
Then i feel guilty when i lie to her - i tell her that i had so much food for lunch when all i had was crackers.

I dont know what to do.
I feel like im such a burden on everyone and like im getting in the way of their family. Kelly wants me to get better and be happy. But i jus dont know if i can be happy being fat. I dont mind going to Paris and not eating chocolate croissants....

I dont know, i feel so lost.
I am so scared that i have failed my sister and feel so bad for not being strong enough to fight this. I dont deserve her help. I am such a failure. Why would she want to help me.

Fattie isnt hungry!

So today we went shopping to Bluewater a massive mall bout an hour away. Everything going well, i had a salad for lunch and starbucks... then as we were leaving Vaughan said to Kelly that he wanted to join the gym again, and was going for a run when he gets home cos he has been so lazy and his body is starting to turn to shit and he needs to get some exercise.
All of a sudden i start thinking, well i havent been for a run for weeks, I must be a super lazy fatso.
I dont do any form of exercise apart from walking to work and back 5 days a week. But to be honest i really can't be bothered. I am so tired when i get home from work. I know im lazy and fat. and thats why i eat less.
I try and do 200 sit ups every night, and when no one is home i run up and down the stairs for about ten minutes straight. So i try.

I'm sorry i cant be perfect, im sorry im so lazy and useless!!

Not a Good Day

So yesterday i had a VERY bad day!! I ate chocolate buttons and cake!! I didnt even bother trying to count up my calories cos i know it will be something ridiculous! I dont know why i ate all the wrong food, it was a fundraiser at work and i won the chocolates! SO STUPID!!

I did sorta make up for it though, i had no dinner and went straight into drinking with the work crew.
And when i got on the scales this morning, i weighed 46.5kgs!!
But i've had a hotdog for lunch so i will be back up by now. Am gonna go for a walk soon tho, need to burn off the hotdog.

To be honest, it has just made me hungry. I wasnt hungry until i ate it and now im hungry. Am i odd or what?!
I feel bad if i dont eat when im around Kelly though. She thinks i am doing so well. And im not. I am slipping more and more back into this horrible never ending nightmare!

I heard Kelly and Vaughan arguing this morning, cos Kelly is sick and Vaughan told her to walk it off and gave her no sympathy. So they were arguing.
I feel like im causing trouble. Like i am getting in the way. Im sure i am causing tension between them. Having me around all the time and what not.

Yay going out tonight, have some coke to keep me skinny!!

Thursday

So today my calorie intake is sitting close to 600... No one was home round dinner time and i was contemplating no dinner until i almost passed out upstairs.. i got the whole light headed then seen spots then sorta sat on the bed and slipped onto the floor and lay there for a while until i felt ok.
So i decided i had better have something to eat.
Thing is, I'm still about 48kgs, im not even that thin anymore. I was fainting last time until i was 44 kgs. I dont understand why i am getting light headed and fainting now.

I just hope that it doesnt happen at work :(

Am hoping to have a good weekend. Won't need to eat much, heading out tomoro night after work then on sat night and doing some coke, so wont even be hungry!! YAY

So hungry!

So today I've managed to keep my calories under 500 (429 not including dinner) and burned 700

I am so hungry! I have no energy, i'm not that tired but my body is just exhausted!
All i have thought about all day is food. I almost bought some chocolate after lunch but managed to stop myself and had a sweet instead. Liqourice one so only like 10 cals!
My body is craving food. And i feel good for saying NO!

But just found out we are having shepards pie for dinner and 1/4 of it has 500 cals!! Thats like all my calories for one day in one little thing. So i think i will have half of a 1/4 so thats 200 cals then i can have something else with it.

I weighed myself this morning and i was 49.5 kgs (109 lbs) then when i got home (4pm) i weighed 50.2 (110lbs) So frustrating. i'm supposed to be losing weight not gaining throughout the day!

All i can think of is food food food. Its weird!
I am sitting here and my tummy is rumbling. But i'm not having anything until dinner time!
Stay strong! Think i will go and do some sit ups before dinner then more before bed. They are the easiest exercise to hide! And I always run up or down the stairs!

Hunger hurts but starving works.

Lost...alone...crying...happy...hungry...amy

I feel so lost. My head is so messed up. My thoughts are all over the place!

Today i've managed to keep my calorie intake to 590cals. And burned off 700 (approx)
I feel ok.
I don't really know what i'm doing. I have eaten barely anything all day and have just had dinner but my tummy is rumbling with hunger pains. And that makes me feel good.
I know its the wrong thing, what ive been doing the last few days, but i actually feel like i am achieveing something, and now i have this urge to lose some lbs so i can feel good again.

Currently weighing it at 50kgs (110lbs) goal weight - i gonna start off easy and aim for 48kgs (105lbs) So long as i carry on what i'm doing and keep my cals counted and under 500 i will be ok.

Thoughts

So i been sitting here thinking about things as i always do when i feel fat and disgusting. And i came to the realisation that i'm one of those people that could disappear of the face of the earth and only a small handful of people would actually notice i'm gone.
I would become that phrase "yeah i once knew an Amy, tragic how she died"
All of my "friends" back in New Zealand, my best friends any friends. They don't miss me, they don't even notice i'm gone.

Today at work, i was having left overs for lunch and Kelly (one of the temps) commented how she could never eat big meals, she always had to eat smaller portions. I didn't think i was eating that much, but of course i couldn't eat anymore after that.
Now everyone that i work with has seen how much food i eat and what a fat disgusting pig I am. GREAT!!!

I'm such a loser! Such a waste of space all i do is cry and cause pain. Sometimes i just feel like everyone would be better off without me.
I don't think i could ever actually kill myself but sometimes its nice to have that option.

Calories today

So far today my calorie intake is sitting at 640!! So angry at myself. I've snacked all day today... and feel so disgusting! I've managed to burn about 500 cals! But i don't think i'll be burning any more today. But i'm yet to have dinner!! I would be quite happy to go to bed with no dinner but i really don't think thats possible.

See the thing is, i'm sure Kelly thinks i'm doing really well but i still cry every night in bed and hate myself so much. I would give anything to be skinny. I have put on so much weight in the last few weeks. I'm now 50kgs. I want to be back at at least 47!!

I don't know what to do! I think i need to eat less during the day so i can have dinner. it's just so hard to do that cos i get so hungry at work cos we are learning so much i get so tired!!

I'm such a failure. I don't even know how to tell kelly what i'm feeling. I'm so scared that she thinks i'm doing so well but and in food respect i guess i am doing good. But recovery wise i feel as tho i havent even gotten anywhere! My mind is still as messed up as ever!!

Dizzy Spell

I had my first dizzy spell about 20 minutes ago. I haven't had one for months.
I actually felt like I was gonna faint, but Kelly and Josh were in the room, and Kelly was watching me so i was using all my energy to NOT faint. But I was so close to passing out.

The naughty things is, is that I sorta felt happy with it... It means my body hasnt had enough food today which means I will be losing weight!!

SO far today I've had 2 x coffees and 1/2 packet of noodles. And am now just having an OJ and nurofen to dull my headache. So my calories so far is 100 cals (then plus this OJ) 150 cals!!

If i can have a minimal amount of dinner then i will be happy.

I don't know what Kelly is thinking. She asked if i was ok when i sat down and of course said yes. But i wonder if she is angry at me; probably.
She will think I did it on purpose or something. But i didn't, if i had known it was gonna happen i would have stayed in the kitchen!!

Reminder part 2

So i had posted 2 photos to show the close comparison between Daniel Evans and Russ but i woke up this morning and came on here and his face was the first thing i saw and i could feel myself starting to panic so had to delete it!!

Didn't sleep too well. I lie awake and cry almost every night. When i turn out the light all i can see is his face :(
This hasn't happened for almost a year now. When it happened, i was haunted every night for months but it slowly got better, but now it's back. Every night i think about it. I don't know why i do this.

I have a feeling that today is not going to be a good day...

Reminder

So on X Factor there is a contestant called Daniel Evans and he looks like the guy that raped me, Russ.

I get overwhelmed with fear. And I all of a sudden see Russ. I get flashbacks and panic. I can't breath properly and have to leave the room. And now i'm too scared to go to bed cos i don't wanna have nightmares.

Why do i react this way?
Why am i such a loser? Why can't i be normal and just get over this??
I am such a failure.

I went out of the room and cried. I didn't want to say anything to Kelly, even tho she asked what was wrong cos i am always crying to her and there is always something wrong. She must be so sick of me. I am sick of me!

One thing i hate

So i think the thing I hate the most about this ED is the fact my hair is falling out and I'm not exaggerating, i've lost alot of hair. On the left hand side my hair is significantly shorter on one part of my head and if i pull it back in a particular way you can definatley notice :(
So i hide it with by parting my hair on the other side and pulling it across to hide it.
Apart from that my other problems include...
** Trouble sleeping ** It takes me ages to fall asleep and then when i finally do fall asleep i never manage to have a good sleep and wake up feeling shattered!!
** Headaches ** I feel like i have a constant headache.
** Coldness ** I feel the cold all the time and even when it's warm, i still feel the cold. I get so cold sometimes i actually shiver so much that i hurt. I wear so many layers but still get cold. Another reason why it takes me ages to sleep is cos i'm so damn cold!!
** Dizzy spells ** I don't get these as much as i used to, probably cos i'm eating more, but when i would stand up i would be overwhelmed with dizziness and sometimes have to sit back down!

Talking about Food

Every time i try and talk to Kelly about food, she sorta goes all funny and doesn't say much. Like this arvo I told her about how at lunch time everyone was having pizza and I didn't want any. And she sorta just says "mmmm"
I don't really know what i want her to say, but it's sorta off putting. I'm feeling less and less inclined to talk to her about how i feel cos I always get a funny vibe from her.
I know she say she wants to help and maybe she does but she has a really funny way of showing it.
E.G we havent spoken about getting help for about a week and a half. She is reading the self help books. I'm just unsure how any of that is helping me. (not that i really want help)
I'm sorta getting over it. I have made no progress since i got here and it's been 9 weeks. She said that she doesn't wanna rush me and to take things slow. But isn't this a little too slow?? I don't know really. I'm just going on what i think. And i think that in the next few weeks i'm still gonna be in the exact same place that i'm in now. If not worse!!

And the only time i think she has been really honest with me is when we were walking to the video store and she told me that she sometimes feels guilty for eating around me.

I think about that all the time. I feel guilty for making her feel guilty, if that makes sense. I have come over here and now she feels guilty for eating food. What sort of person does that make me!!
I'm such a burden on everyone. Such a waste of space.

I wonder if Kelly wants me to leave. I wonder if she would actually say anything to me if she did. She says that she would but i don't think she would. I think she secretly wants me to leave. I think she is sick of my bullshit and i'm just getting in the way and ruining her family time!!

Another trigger

So this evening Josh (my 1 year old nephew) was up stairs in his cot crying cos he had just woken up. And my sister was vacumming, so I asked if she wanted me to go up stairs and get him. She said "No he's ok"
I suddenly thought, he's obviously not ok cos he is crying and wants to be taken out of his cot. Am i really that useless that i can't get him out and bring him downstairs so she could carry on with the vacuming. ???

I wonder if she stops and asks herself, "do i really want such a useless waste of space person handling my son" or better yet "do i really want this useless cow as my sister and as his aunty"

I thought I was doing a helpful thing by going up to get him, that it would make her job easier. But obviously not. She obviously doesn't want me around cos i'm so useless and a waste of space.

I don't know how to change.

Back at home in NZ, when i was at Donnas, if i would say to her "oh do you want me to get baby" she would jump at the chance, in fact alot of the time she would ask me if i could go and get baby out of the cot or change Katie-Roses nappy. Here I offer and still get shut down.
I really must be useless.

Such a Failure

I hate the fact that i get hungry then i eat. I want to go back to I'm think I'm hungry but I'm not sure, ah well not really that hungry so don't need any food. I want that feeling of self control and the strength to say NO thanks to food and yes please to happiness.
I've had lunch AND dinner every day this week. And i today i had some toast before work! What the hell is wrong with me. I have lost all control and will power. I don't need the food i just want it.
I hate eating, I hate feeling full. I hate getting fat!!
I'm now 50.8kgs so now im 111lbs. Pretty soon if i carry on the way I'm going i will be 53kgs, then 55 then 60! Then i will kill myself cos i will be so fat.

Why did i agree to recovery?? I can't do this. I don't want to do this. I'm only doing it to please Kelly.

I feel like Kelly is angry at me, Or upset about something. I must have done something. I must've said something or done something to upset her. But i don't know what.
Maybe she has just had enough of me. I understand why. I have had enough of me. I'm over it.
She hasn't spoken anymore about recovery. I spoke about food and how i'm feeling for the first time in about a week. And she didnt really say much. I know that she doesnt ask me lots of questions all the time cos she doesnt wanna overwhelm me or anything and thats nice. But at the same time I think she may be moving too slow.

I am being tempted more and more to go without food, the thing is i don't have the will power to actually go hungry. But that will come back soon. I know how disgusting I feel after eating and it won't be long until i think about that BEFORE i eat and then just pass on the food.
The voice is coming back.
I lie awake in bed and cry cos i think about the food i have eaten. I did 300 sit ups last night cos i felt so horrible and today i was home alone for 2 hours. I spent 20 minutes running up and down the stairs. I stopped when i felt dizzy and then sat on the floor and actually felt good.
But now I've had dinner so i conteracted all that great work i did.
Will be sure to do some sit ups tonight and squats and lunges.
Its hard to work out when you have to be super quiet!
I think i just need to cut back on food rather than starve straight away. But i'm gonna have to be more careful cos Kelly is not silly. Which is rather annoying. I could get away with days of starving around mum. But not anymore!!

Sunday

So the weekend has been good. Friday i had an omlette then for dinner had 1/2 a sandwich. Went out to a massive halloween party. Saturday, had some soup for lunch then some roast for dinner. I would have been quite happy having nothing cos i took drugs the night before and never feel hungry after a night out :)
Sunday (today) woke up with a massive cold. Lunch kelly and i went out to a cafe and shared a platter. There was one potato wedge left and she asked if i wanted it. I said no i had the last onion ring and bread and she said well then you just ate everything didn't you. Also meaning... You ate so much food you are a big fatty!!

So think i just gonne have a toasted sandwich for dinner, i would prefer nothing, but don't think i'm gonna get away with that.

Tomorrow is my first day of work. Yay I won't have anyone telling me to eat lunch. It's gonna be great. I can go back to my one meal a day plan. I am getting so tired of HAVING to eat all the time. I just don't want to. I will eat when i'm hungry and if i'm not hungry I won't eat!!

catching up with a girl i met on friday night, Rachel. She said she used to have anorexia too, but has it cos she is so vain, and just wants to look good. So no dinner tuesday night :)

Today

I havent read the self help books yet, haven't even started. Kelly going to read them first, she wants to so she understands more or something.

Tonight i was trying on clothes trying to sort out my halloween costume for halloween party on Friday night. My first outfit was a semi long (over my ass) silky style t-shirt over top of my leggings. I felt ok in it. I thought it was sexy but not too revealing.
The second outfit was a stripy cotton singlet not as fitting as the other top and cos it was more flowy looked longer, even tho it wasnt. And still over my leggings.
I was undecided, leaning towards the first outfit cos i thought it was more cat like and i thought the stripey one made me look larger than i am.

My sister wanted to give her honest opinion. Which was that she liked the second outfit better cos the first one made me look too thin, like sickly thin.

I know im not fat but i didn't think i looked sickly thin. I have put on 2kgs.. now 49kgs how can i look sickly thin. I feel so disgusting now. It's hard to hear that you look sickly thin. I feel so horrible now. Like i've been trying so hard to recover but i still look disgusting.

I don't think she realised how bad it has made me feel about myself. How i thought i was looking ok and happy with the way i looked in my outfit but after her saying that i just feel worth less and disgusting.

Self Help Books

So today we went to the book shop and my sister bought me 2 self help books.. I don't really know what to think about them. I feel a bit overwhelmed by it all i think. Its scary to realise that you have a problem. Its like you wake up one morning and realise you have cancer or have no legs. Well iv just realised i am sick. I have an eating disorder. Yeah ok its not the same as having cancer or losing your legs but that realisation is how it feels for me.

So i dont know how these self helps books are gonna help me. But i suppose i can give it a go.

Friday

Had a talk to my sister on Wednesday night and told her how hard i was finding it. How i have this need to purge. Which i have never had before, and how I hate eating all the time and feel like I'm losing control.

She told me she had found a couple places in Brighton that she thinks can help. One of them does day programs, so its bascially a clinic. But she said yesterday that there is a place that deals with all sorts of trauma. So i can kill two birds with one stone and deal with the rape as well as my ED. I told her that i realise i can't do this without help but i am just so affraid of doing it. She said she would come with me if i wanted her to.
But im just not sure about that. If i am going to talk about things I wouldn't mind her coming, but i just don't think she needs to hear it.
If I have to talk about the rape, its going to be hard and i don't want her to get upset or think less of me.
So i may just go by myself. But its nice to know she is willing to come! Means alot.

Mum never offered that, she just assumed i would want to go by myself. I think she may have taken me one time, can't really remember.

But there it is. Will see what happens next week. :)

What I've eaten...

So yesterday for lunch i went out for lunch with a friend and had pizza and fries. :( It was a nice pizza, not a fast food style, made in a resturant but still PIZZA??? what was i thinking.
So then for dinner i had 2 pieces of toast!
Not just one piece?! I had to be an extra pig and have 2 pieces. AND a couple handfuls of popcorn!

Then today, I had a museil bar in the morning, lunch i had a BLT sandwhich from starbucks, plus a caramel coffee!! PIG already! Then dinner time. Instead of just having one fajita i had to have 2!

Can't help myself. I am losing all control!!

What was I thinking??

I don't know what I was thinking. I can't recover. I hate eating food every day. I hate the full feeling! I hate gaining weight. I need to be in control.
I have let food control me for the last week and I felt good at first but now i just feel like a fat pig. I need to be back in control. And the only way to do that is to be in control of what i put in my mouth.

I dont know what to do. I know what the right thing to do is. But I just hate doing it!!

I purged

So i gave into that voice, and i purged. I was upset and my sister asked whats wrong and i told her that i need to vomit, that i really felt i needed too. She said that i can get thru this.
Then in 5 mins i went upstairs to the bathroom and i started to make myself be sick...i coughed a bit and spat some food out... then i jus cried...

I really didnt want to be doing it but the urge was too strong. I sat on the floor and i cried. I didn't spew all of my dinner up, jus a little bit. I've never been big on the whole make yourself sick, but ive always starved so to feel so full and be told thats the way to be empty and happy again. I had no choice.

My sister heard me coughing so knows what i was doing. I feel so horrible. I have let her down once again. I have let myself down. I am a faliure, once again.

Where are those sleeping tablets when i need them? I'm gonna have to find them... they are somewhere in Kellys room. I want them back. Not that i want to kill myself, but i need them just in case.

I'm thinking of cutting again. I have the urge to do it. I need a release. i need to feel that pain. I know it hurts but i want to feel that pain.

ahhhh what the hell is going on inside me? I am such a mess!

Maybe i will wake up tomoro and be in a different life... a happy, normal person, who's gonna have chocolate cake for breakfast!!
Ha i wish!

To purge or not to purge

So I've just eaten a risotto... homemade, it was so yummy.. had tomato, garlic, onions, cheese and ham in it... was so good. But not im full and i have this desperate need to go and purge...

How can i do this without my sister knowing?
Do i really want to do this?
Do i need to be empty?
Why did i eat so much?

I feel like i need to be empty, i am so disgusting, i ate too much and i am going to pay for it in the morning!

What do i do??

Sunday

Ok. Yesterday went well, I had some soup for lunch.. and felt good bout it... for about 10minutes! But Kelly and I played scrabble so that distracted me :)
We went for a walk to the video shop and had a chat. Kelly said that she researched on the net the other night and was really worried and upset about the long term damage I may have done to myself. And she said that when she was vacumming this morning, she noticed ALOT of my hair on the floor in the lounge. Not just a little bit... ALOT!
She also said that she can see how easy it would be to fall into something like this cos sometimes when she eats infront of me she feels guilty for eating. Thats not good! Cos i feel bad for making her feel like that, i told her she shouldnt feel guilty cos she is helping me, she is the one person that is pushing me to do this and believes i can.

I'm sorta torn though, on one hand i don't want to give the eating disorder up, its hard to get to that healthy point where as its so easy to stay the way i am, being sick. But then on the other hand i know that i cant stay this way cos its not right. I jus feel like i could easily slip up and be back in the same mindset. It feels like it wouldn't take much. Something so small and simple.

So I've really got to try.
I felt ok after dinner. We had a roast and it was really yummy! I haven't had a roast in so long and i actually enjoyed it. I felt guilty and disgusting for a brief moment but watched a dvd and soon forgot all about it. :)

overall I would call that a good day!

How I'm doing

So I have managed to get through 2 days eating both lunch and dinner. Yesterday was ok, I had some noodles for lunch and distracted myself soon after so i didnt think about the food i had just eaten. I played mahjong and didnt think too much about it all.
Then dinner, i helped make it. Butter Chicken. I had a good serving. and ate the lot. And i even had some naan bread. but after dinner i didnt get to play mahjong, instead my sister and I prepared for my interview, I was freaking out as it was about the interview so then i started thinking about all the food i had eaten in the day and almost cried. I felt so disgusting, I tried to tell myself to think of it as a good thing, but i couldn't think like that i just keep thinking, i need to be empty, i need to get rid of this food!
Then i got on MSN and had a chat with Milly, my bebo friend who is like my twin its scary and i sorta got passed the guilty, disgusting feeling. I still did 300 sit ups before i went to bed.

Then today i've had my interview with Legal and General, and i think it went ok, so am feeling, ive just had lunch, had a toasted sandwhich, and feel fat and disgusting like i shouldnt have eaten it. I dont want to think like this after food, i want to feel normal, and feel good for eating but i just cant help but love to feel empty!

Lunch

I've just finished my lunch, had some noodles. And all I can think about is how disgusting I feel. I should be happy, I have done something good for my body, I have pleased my sister (for once) but all I can think about is ...
"why did I eat that? I am so disgusting"

I am really gonna try this time. I am gonna try and focus on getting better, eating food and being healthy. I am not gonna focus on calorie intake and calories burnt or how disgusting i feel in myself when i eat.

Starting with now.

Talks

I dont know why i do it but i always turn little things people do or say around and think the worst.

First example...

week or so ago kelly says, "you did really well" after eating dinner.
I suddenly think "she thinks im a fat slob cos i ate all my dinner"

Sunday, Vaughan asked Kelly if she wants to go the park with Josh and have family time, I suddenly think, he hasnt invited me cos he doesnt want me around and is sick of me.

Tonight, Kelly asks if im having dinner and i say "do i have a choice?" she says yes and that she just wants to know so that she doesnt waste the food..
I think, all i do is waste food cos i dont finish it, waste of food = waste of money = waste of space

why do i do that??

If given the choice why do i turn down food, when kelly asked am i having dinner, and i asked do i have a choice. why did i have to do that, why couldnt i jus say yes thanks. If given the choice i will opt for no food!

so tonight, kelly is going to think about what to do, cos i told her i dont know what to do , i cant snap out of it like last time. And she said she doesnt know what to do and needs to think about.

I am such a pain in the ass!!! why cant i be normal!

recovery? it was a wish

So i think i may have blown my only real hope and being recovered. My sister has wanted to help me for the past 3 weeks or so. And then tonight, for the first time ever she said to me... "are you having dinner?" when i said "do i have a choice?" she said that she just wanted to know cos she didn't want to waste food.
So i said no... as hungry as i am from only eating 1 piece of toast, it was an instant reaction.. she's right if i don't eat it all i'm wasting food. Wasting food, wasting money, wasting space.

So now i don't know what to do. She has offered me help and listened to me for the last few weeks and now i think she has finally given up. So i guess its just me and my friend, ana, again.

i dont know why but i feel upset, but i have no one to blame but myself really. I am the one who has said no to food. I didn't try hard enough.
I am such a failure.

How do I fix this??

why is it so hard

So lunch time and i cant even get that right, i agreed to some lunch, cheese and tomato on toast. My sister brings out 2 pieces of toast. I ate the first one and picked at the second one, i couldnt bring myself to eat it. I had already had a whole piece. I said to my sister "Have i eaten enough for you?" she said "i don't know, thats up to you" and did the look she does when she is annoyed at me.

I dont know how to do it. I tried, i ate something. I did it cos i didnt want to upset her, but ive upset her anyways. I cant get it right.

So now im sitting in the lounge writing this, crying and she is in the kitchen cooking some tomato sauce thing. I dont know what to do. Know i just feel even more useless for letting her down. I eat something and she gets annoyed, I dont eat anything and she gets annoyed.

I cant do it. I dont know how. I am trying, im sorry that im such a failure.

Feeling right now... like everything would be different if i wasnt around, everyone would be much happier. My sister would have no one to worry about or no one annoying her with their petty little problems. Everyone would move on, forget about me and be able to live their lives properly.

Tuesday 14th... My morning so far

So yesterday was not a very good day, after going to bed sunday night with no dinner, i woke up light headed and dizzy and worst of all happy. I had no breakfast then we walked into Hove and got a coffee and walked home. A good 25 mins there and 25 mins back (190 calories burnt) then i kept saying i would get my lunch in a minute and before i had realised it was 3pm. Again i felt happy. Kelly was annoyed, i can tell when shes annoyed but i just tried to ignore it. I had another coffee and 3pm.

Dinner time, i had some pork and veges, at the end of dinner, i hadnt finished all mine, Kelly said is that the best you can do, you havent had much. I felt good tho. I had a little bit of food in my tummy, and in my defense they had given me alot of veges. So again Kelly was annoyed, but no too much this time.

Went to bed at 10pm and did 250 x sit ups and 100 squats...

so then this morning, here i am. Managed to drag my lazy ass out of bed for a 40 minute run.. while i was running, i had to stop and walk as i felt like i was going to vomit. :)
I got home and did 100 sit ups. It was hard work, i gave myself a massive headache but burnt some calories for the day!

lets see if i can get out of lunch!

Monday Morning

I woke up this morning with every intention of going for a run, but couldnt physically drag myself out of bed. I woke up feeling light headed and dizzy... and my tummy is so empty it hurts, but ya know what i feel happy...

I went to bed last night feeling so proud of myself, i got out of having dinner... my sister had toast but it was after 9pm so i passed on dinner...
It was a weird feeling, i felt as though i had acheieved something fantastic. It was like i was on a high.

i am sitting here now, and my tummy is screaming at me, i can feel it crying out. But i wont give in to the hunger pains. Instead i will go up stairs and weigh myself and jump in the shower.

Hopefully the scales wont let me down.

My weights

Ok so im 169cm tall which is 5'6
Before this all began i weighed 57kgs... (125lbs) my BMI was in the normal range...
June 2007 I weighed 52 kgs... still ok.
May 2008 I weighed 42 kgs, (92lbs, 6.6stone) this was the lowest i had ever been, it put my BMI at 14.5... underweight...
August 2o08 i got back up to 50kgs... apparantley still too light... :(
October 2008.. today im 48kgs... 105lbs..

I know i shouldn't say this but i i really want to be back under that 100lb mark... so 44kgs...
I know i should not be controlled by a number.. but its how i feel...

My sister wants me to be at 52 or 54kgs but i jus dont think i can stay at that weight and be happy about it. I think if i get under 100lbs i will be happy but deep down i know i wont be. I wasnt happy before. But who knows, I can only try. right?

thing is as much as i want to be under 100lbs my sister is trying to help me recover... and she always makes me feel bad if i dont eat and said that if i get to that weight she will be VERY disappointed in me.. so i dont know what to do.

Do i ignore her and do it anyway or do i listen to her and try to recover.. i know what the RIGHT thing to do is, but i juust dont know if i can!

creating a blog

so today i decided i would create a blog, i need somewhere to vent, to share my feelings, my struggles, my dreams, my goals and my happiness.
Background:
Feb 24th 2007 I was raped by my best mates, bf's, friend after a 21st party. I lost my best friend, as she didnt know how to deal or help. I fell apart. My mum forced me into counselling which failed... i spent 2 weeks drinking, then turned to drugs... overdosed, then began cutting myself.... a few months later, i moved home and realised all the above actions were not helping me feel anymore in control of my life.. so began controlling my food. This helped... I exercised daily, and ate barely anything, until i was eating nothing at all. I created a fake bebo to find more inspiration to starve. Which i did. In Sep of 07 i woke up and realised i was not helping myself.. I began to eat again.. not alot but some... In dec 07 it was too late, i had failed, i was back to over exercising and restricing my food, it was the only way i would feel good about myself....

I spent the summer avoiding food, and focusing on losing weight.. By May of 2008 i weighed 42kgs.. 15 kgs lighter than before i was raped. I was passing out daily and didnt go out with friends. I was falling apart. So i went to stay with a friend, she has 2 little girls who i adore so much and that made me realise i have something to live for. So again i began eating.. It was not easy but i tried.

And here i am now... October 2008, i weigh 47kgs... and i cant eat a full meal without the feelings of guilt and disgust. I have made this blog to hopefully help me in my recovery... which i have finally realised is what i want to do .

I am ready to deal with rape and fight the voice in my head which is now in control.