Mind Body and Spitrit Expo

I went to a expo today and I got my aura photo taken, the guy said to me that I am too old for myself, that emotionally I am a lot older than most. I have been through a lot emotionally and I need to stop being so harsh on myself and stop analyzing everything.  He said that my partners will need to be emotionally older too - young boys won't be able to connect with me emotionally.

He said I have a special gift with children and that they look up to me and I can guide them, I am a communicator and can talk to them (children)
He said that I am different to most people and that I feel it but I am afraid of it.
He said I am a healer and a guider.












I then went and had a reading done for 20 minutes with a clairvoyant and she told me that I have gone through some changes and that they are all positive changes although I may not think they are positive right now in the long run I will realize they are. She said I don't use my voice enough when I need too but I can talk to others and help them.
She said over the coming months there will be more emotional turmoil but I will get through it. I need to let go of my negative/cynical look and start being myself..
She said I need to take on a new project to change my perspective
I have a lot of people around me wanting to guide me and that the outcome is good so she dosen't know what I am so worried about.

Random thoughts for Sunday?

I am now 53 kgs of fat.
I am exercising by playing squash a few nights a week. I am feeling fatter and fatter every day.I am eating lots, chocolate and crisps. I need to stop eating them but I can't
I feel guilty for eating and out of control.
I need to be thin but I have lost everything.
I don't know how i got to this point

I love my job and I keep trying to think that i need to focus on my work and do good at that but i cannot shake the feelings of fat and worthlessness.

I am now doing schema therapy with my psychologist, looking at life traps and why they are there and how to fight them. My life traps appear to be so ingrained in me that it's not going to be easy to change my thoughts or habits.
I like Melodie. She makes me feel good and makes me feel hopeful.
I wonder if she will leave me too?

Of course I want to continue feeling happy and enjoying myself but I just feel like I am about to hit a peak, any day now and then after a peak comes a downhill a slow decrease to destruction - again.

I haven't self harmed in a week and I want to but i don't want too
I haven't purged in about a week. I hate purging but it makes me feel normal and empty all at once.

I don't talk to my old best friend any more, she is so draining emotionally - does that make me a bad friend?
I don't see my mum very much either, she makes me feel worthless - does that make me a bad daughter?
I am eating - does that make me a bad anorexic?
can i even claim to be anorexic when i am eating?

I want to be thin. I (sometimes) want to die

I don't know what i want, what to do, what is coming next

Intimidated by sushi

I haven't blogged for a while, I think that must mean that I am doing a bit better.
Tonight I am going to make sushi with my friend but for some reason I get intimidated at the thought of someone else controlling the situation. When I am making dinner I need to be the one in control. I need to be the one doing most of the work otherwise I feel lazy and useless and like I don't deserve the food. Jordan always likes to do most of the work and I just end up watching and then I feel like I can't eat it.
I am scared that tonight will be the same! I want to make sushi but scared I won't get the chance to try!! :/

people love being miserable | Tami Croft

people love being miserable | Tami Croft

people love being miserable

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I am beginning to think I waste my time trying to pursue the greater good of happiness because the more I get to know people the more I realize most just really enjoy being miserable!
I am not saying I am an exception to the rule as there are days for sure where I just want to sit and wallow in my own self pitty…but people who do it on a regular basis are really REALLY starting to make me reconsider drinking again…lol
And more and more I notice people do not take blame for their own misery, they are very happy with accusing everyone else of being the problem rather then factoring in that THEY have control over their own lives and make all the decisions and if they really don’t want to be a certain way they DON”T have to be.
When I was younger I went out of my way to blame everyone else, I mean after all I was a VICTIM!
How could I take the blame for my life gone wrong when I was the one who was abused, I was the victim, it was all their fault……And you know for awhile it very well may have been but as I got older and started acting like an adult and wanting more people to take me serious I realized one very important thing….I HAD CONTROL! I could stay in that worthless pity party place of self loathing  or I could make changes to my life to become better.
Getting there was not easy, but one of the main things I had to learn to do is accept responsibility for MY life, MY actions, MY thoughts and feelings, MY words.
I had to stop blaming my past for the choices I was making today, I had to stop blaming people for how I treated others.
The abuse I suffered as a child did not make me a bitch, I DID! I made a choice to be a bitch and be rude to people what happened to me as a child had nothing to do with that.
What I went through as a child, made me hard and emotional or somewhat emotionless in some aspects it made me fear living, made me jealous of people, I hated my life, I hated my body, I hated living and for years and years I was consumed by those emotions, RULED by them.
Then one day I WOKE UP … I wanted more for myself gosh darn it! there was more to LIFE then being an asshole.
But it was not my mom’s job to fix me, Not my friends jobs to fix me, not my families job to fix me it was MY OWN JOB!
The one thing I hear over and over are statements like these  “Oh they never helped me, they never supported me, they abandoned me, they didn’t do this, they didn’t do that .. blah blah blah”
Who the hell are THEY?? and why do THEY have so much control over YOUR flippin life??
When you feel like you have no one it may very well be true. It however does not give you license to treat others poorly.
Sadly if you are someone who has no one, take some time out to learn to love you, even just like yourself and making new and better friends will be so much easier and so much more lasting.
People don’t understand that if you can’t like yourself .. NO one else will ever like you.
They may be friends at first but it will almost ALWAYS end bad. Want to know why?
Because people can only take on so much from another person before it drives them away.
If your the always “Its all about me” person then your forgetting about other people and their feelings and they will eventually just become bothered by you and think of you more as a burden or a bitchy complainer rather then a friend. Heck they may even turn on you and really it’s NOT their fault, chances are your drove them away yourself with out even realizing it.
So my advice to people who enjoy being miserable is simple.
There is more to life then just you, other people have just as many burdens to bare. Some just cope better then others but it does not mean we don’t want to be heard too, it does not mean we don’t care when we just don’t want to listen to you anymore it’s just we’ve had enough and until you can accept responsibility for your own life/actions/thoughts/feelings/emotions/attitude we don’t want to be around you.
Don’t ask for advice if it’s just going to fall on deaf ears or your just going to ignore it and throw it back in our faces.
If you say something DO IT don’t just talk about it.
And lastly remember the choice is and always has been yours, So if your life is really that crappy get out there and do something about it.
Where there is a will there is a way.

The Silver Magician

It was a good distraction from the feelings I have. It hurts but if you press down hard enough the hurt turns to relief and you start to feel something that you know is real, it is pain and pain has to be real cos there are some things in this world that are real even if you aren't really sure of what is and what isn't sometimes, we all know PAIN is real

It's like a little 1cm by 3cm silver magician that you think will help so you listen intently to the tricks she says she can do, the acts she will perform for you tonight, "tonight ladies and gentleman this little silver magician will take away your pain and replace it with something much more enchanting"

and then you go numb and no matter how hard you press on that silver magician she won't let you feel anything, and then it all goes black and you realize you have pressed too hard and you see the spots but she won't let you stop cos the relief has gone, the pain has gone and all you want is to feel something - anything

Silver Magician why do you trick me, why do you allow me to think you will help me when you just leave me wanting more and now I am left feeling dazed, dizzy and confused

Is this blood all mine? Silver Magician please don't hurt me but please don't leave me I will do anything for a real PAIN

I AM LOST

I was scared of getting my period and what that meant and the cutting helped to distract my thoughts and stopped me panicking about my weight and feel so worthless and fat. It gave me something new to distract myself with.

Getting my period is supposed to be a positive? REALLY?
I cannot see the positive, I don't want to be a woman, woman get hurt, woman get raped and I don't want to be a woman, I want to be a girl again, a girl who is protected and looked after. I can't handle being a woman. Please take my period away and give me back the girl
Yes it means I am getting better - psychically I am, my body is now 52kgs of pure fat thanks to all the sweets and chocolate I have stuffed my fat face with, no amount of purging can empty me of the calories I have consumed over the last few weeks
Mentally I feel like jumping off a bridge, although there are no bridges as I am in bed so I will lie here and type even though my arm is F*CKING sore

I AM FREAKING THE F OUT

I AM FAT
I AM A WOMAN.
I AM HEALTHY.
I AM LOST

My brother

I found out today from a friend of mine that my brother has been filled on everything about me.
I think he already knew about the rape but has been told I have issues with eating and that I self harm, but that I am in treatment and getting help!
I feel like even more of a failure.

I don't know if this will ever get better. If I do all this (the eating problems, the self harming) if they are actually just coping mechanisms to help me cope with whatever emotion I am feeling then how do I get better?

Yes I do feel unworthy of help, unworthy of anything, constantly not good enough and compare myself to everyone which only makes me feel worse. And I self harm to make me feel something to make me release emotions and I restrict my food (or at the moment, eat and purge) as a control issue.
Is that an eating disorder? Or am I just lacking the capacity to deal with the emotions I have?
I don't think people realize how much I am controlled by food and weight and yes it is a control problem and a fact that I can't handle emotions and that I keep myself  busy and distracted from life so I don't have to deal with emotions, cos emotions are messy and unnecessary (I think) they just get in the way. But there is also the element of wanting and NEEDING to be thin.
Thin = good enough
I want to be thin more than anything in this world, right now I have slipped off my path and I am eating like a pig but it will come back, that voice inside my head is still there I am just challenging it more than ever and I'm not 100% sure why maybe it is cos I am tired of living like this and I am wanting to change or maybe it's this feeling is just a phase and sooner or later I will wake up and hate myself MORE and then I will need to be thin.

A little...

There's always a little truth behind every "Just kidding," a little knowledge behind every "I dont know," a little emotion behind every "I dont care," a little pain behind every "Its okay". ♥

Whitianga

My friend wants me and her to go to Whitianga for a girls pamper weekend, it looks like a well nice idea, the pampering part sounds to die for, staying in a hotel and having a lovely girly weekend.

But

Whitianga was where i was raped and I don't think I can go back there

Panicked

It's a strange feeling, that you are panicked by something yet you have no idea what it is that has shaken you.
Was it the mass of people in the elevator, the business of street outside, the fact that you have gained a lot of weight and people are now commenting on different things or is it something that you aren't even aware of.
You try and tell yourself to stop and to calm down but as your heart races and you start sweating you have to leave the office in fear of someone noticing. Sitting on the cold bathroom floor hyperventilating isn't much better though, it gets harder to calm yourself with every new breathe. The tingling of the hands starts and that's when you know you have gone too far.
You want it to stop but you keep telling yourself to figure out why you are panicking and then it will stop when in actual fact it makes you worse cos you know deep down there is no reason for this panic attack, you are safe, you are ok, you are at work and you need to distract yourself with work, and get back in to what ever it was you were doing before you started to feel ill.
By now 10 minutes has passed and you're lying on the cold bathroom floor, quietly talking to yourself reminding yourself that this will pass and that you are OK. A tea is needed, some water and possibly something to eat, no maybe not something to eat as food is not necessarily a good thing right now.
So with shaky legs and tingling clamy hands you slowly make your way back to reality and realize that the last 15 minutes (cos yes it takes about 5 minutes to stand) is now a blur and you have managed to get yourself and YOU only through a panic attack.
Now back to work

Sushi VS the devil inside

Today I bought 5 pieces of sushi for lunch and barbara came down to get her lunch too.
She then said to me (as i was waiting in line to pay)
"Wow you must be hungry today"

I really don't know how I am ever supposed to be OK with any of this. One little comment - and my thinking changes.
I only ended up eating 2 pieces of it (although had the other 3 later in the day) I feel so incredibly fat right now. I am eating everything and anything and i hate myself more than EVER right now.
I feel as though I have lost all control over everything.

I want to let this thought go (as i have been trying to learn how to in therapy) but i really can't
There have been several comments this week around food and I really just want to be thin :'(

And yes I will tell Melodie (psych) this tomorrow.

I'm struggling and I don't know how not to struggle

Grey Space

It was easier before I knew what I was doing was so wrong, it’s hard knowing what I know and struggling to stay on the path of the right choice. I wish it was as simple as choosing to recover and recovering but nothing is ever as that simple. One thing I am slowly learning is that there is a grey space, a small matter in between the black and the white that makes me wonder why I can’t see this grey matter. Why do I always see things black or white, right or wrong, fat or well fatter, good or bad?

I’m caught in the in between, the need to get better to live a happy healthy life and the fear of losing all that I have and not knowing what might happen next. I am consumed by the need to be thin and the fear of being fat that it’s hard to see anything else. I am contradicted in myself – I know what I am doing is so wrong and I still can’t change it. 

 

There is no winner

There are words and numbers constantly buzzing around in your head and there is no escape from the quiet whisper of her. She is always there, she likes to trick you. You think you can escape and push her away but she doesn't really leave, she just goes silent, waiting patiently for you to show vulnerability and then she comes back with a vengeance. She wants you to think it's ok to leave her for a while, ana will leave and mia will be there to help. Mia is a lot nicer than ana - she lets you eat and let's you think it's ok to eat, so long as you dispose of it straight after - it's OK.
Ana doesn't like this at all, and as you push one away you hold on to the other but your tired of holding on - it's hard to hold on. You know what you are doing is so wrong and that's what makes it all the more harder to stop. You have no one to blame but yourself. There are skills to be learnt and things to distract yet you always come back to the thing you can trust. She won't let you down. She won't let you be.

You want to be free but you don't really know what freedom is - freedom is the little bird that sits on the window sill and then when someone walks in the room it flies away. The little bird that watches and waits for something yet it doesn't really know what it's waiting for then all of a sudden someone comes and disturbs the silence and it's frightened so it flies.
It's a humming inside of you, something desperate for something else. Thinness has a feeling all of its own and when you have been eating and purging for 2 weeks the hum gets louder until you give in, anything to quieten the humming thinness and then the voice starts. There is no winner. Not even the little bird who finally gets peace flying all over the country on it's lonesome, there is no winner.
 

.

How will you know I am hurting,
If you cannot see my pain?
To wear it on my body
Tells what words cannot explain.