I dont want to die - im just so tired of living like this

There is no reason for me to be like this, no reason for me to feel lilke this, everyone has problems, everyone has days when the sun doesnt shine bright for them, so why cant i just pick myself up and be proud of who i am, be proud of the fact that i went travelling alone for 2 years

Why am i so scared of being home- why do i constantly feel alone and like i have no friends.

I know heaps of people but who actually knows me?!

I wish i could just call my mum up and say i feel shit, i sometimes wish i was dead, can you fix me?

but how does a daughter even do that to a mother?! its not her fault im like this, so why should i put this on her?

Then there is my brother, i know he is stopping over here to pick up his stuff before he goes away for new years, i could overdose now and know that he will find me sooner or later - but then im putting it all on him and he will feel crap and have to look after me.

I dont actually want to die, its just im tired of living like this. if that makes sense

there is no out, there is no up, there is no down - its all just one giant ball of nothing in this world. no one can escape anythng

there are those who give in and those who dont. I dont want to give in, not really . but im just so tired of thinking like this.

the pull gets stronger with every minute that i sit here thinknig what to write next

how many minutes will pass until i give up and find some tablets to take.....




Maybe i will exericse instead :s

New Years Eve 2010

So new years eve this year im supposed to be heading down to the beach and meetin up with my cousin and her mates and going to a house party
Im getting really nervous just cos when i drink i get paranoid and sometimes lose control when i feel alone and lost.
And i told my cousin this and she said not to worry, just be happy and chilled and normal
and when i said i dont know how, im scared that no one will talk to me and i will be alone
she said
Just be like the old amy - she knows how

GREAT!! thanks for re-asserting the fact that i am no longer the same person...... who am i???

How am i gonna cope with this whole new years ??

i wish i could just sleep through it!!!

its all in my head

Im a little bit scared of myself lately - especially when i drink, cos when i drink, its like i have no control over my mind, my thoughts and everything.
I get upset and angry at everything/everyone especially myself, i then feel guilty for getting upset for no reason and get angry at myself and then think about suicide - even though im waaaay to scared to actualy do it, i just want to hurt myself.
Im scared to go away for new years cos i dont want to get drunk then things to turn bad in my head and me get upset again and act like a dick!!

example 1. The night of my flat warming, when no one turned up and then i was upset and then dragged out to a house party then wanted to go home but couldnt and started screaming and crying and acting like a loser, but as much as i wanted to stop myself I couldnt i had no control over my mind and my body! i ended up making a massive scene at the party and sitting out in the driveway by myself till 3am when our ride turned up.

example 2. Last thursday night, we went to the pub and jordan was supposed to sober drive - and got drunk - and then i got angry at her for not sobering driving and then decided it was my fault any way and ended up driving home. Its not quite as drastic as the first example but i had the same mind set, i got shitty at someone else, and then turned it on myself and then felt bad cos i had ruined the night.

Example 3 - tonight, my cousin has her boyfriend up from his place (he lives about an hour away) and they were in the kitchen giggling and talking quietly and i suddenly thought they dont want me here, im in the way and came into my room and got grumpy and sulky cos i felt like i wasnt included and then had a shower and went to say goodnight and suddenly reaslied it wasnt even about me - they werent talking bout me it was just in my head!!

I am scared of myself and what i will do next, cos it kind of feels as though its all building up to one massive break down, you know when you can feel soemthing bad coming but you dont know when its gonna hit. ths iss what it feels like inside myself!!

What I am Scared of

At the moment, Im having all kinds of weird food phobias.

I went to get a sandwhich at lunch but was teriffied of one with cheese in, or too much better.
I feel scared of sugar - been having sweetner in my coffee/tea
Im scared of pies - i havent had a pie in about 5 years and the reason im including this random fear is cos this evening we (work people and me) are going to the cabaret but after work we are having some drinks and nibbles here before we go and debs has ordered MINI SAVOURIES - IE PIES!
How do i explain to them, that I dont want any savouries cos im scared of them?! seriously!

Im scared of any fast food - mcdonalds, burger king.... i was a bit hungover this morning and really wanted a fatty,gross burger but im even to scared to walk in to the shop to even contemplate buying one!

Im scared of full fat ANYTHING - soy milk, butter, crisps (yes im not scared of crisps)

basically the things I am eating - is sushi, rice crackers and some fruit (when i feel like it)

Why am i so scared of food?? I've always been scared of gaining weight from eating but im now scared of the food - ive never felt like this before

and thinking about those pies is making me very very nervous!!

Feeling.....

Right now im wishing i was back in the UK where i knew who my friends were, i knew what i was doing, i was happy and comfortable and doing ok...

Here I just dont really know who my "true" friends are and im scared that I dont have any here!!

anything to be "cool"

So last Friday my best mate won this prize - it was an hour promo thing with Smirnof vodka, free drinks and nibbles at her place from 7.30pm-8.30pm.
I checked my facebook on Friday morning and seen she had posted it on facebook, asking who wanted to come so of course I replied
"any room for me" she soon replied, that they already had the limit and there wasnt enough room for me

If it had been me, the first thing I would have done would be to call my best mates and TELL them not ask them that they are coming!!

I hadnt even been a possibility...

So Friday evening I emailed her to basically say that I was hurt If i had won something - anything - my first thought is to tell my best mates and make sure they are there to experience the winnings with me
To find out on facebook that you won something was weird but then to find out there isnt enough room for me cos it was first in first served really hurt.I would have instantly called you, jords, my mum, my sis and prob haley to tell them and invite them (even though mum, kel and haley wouldnt come) But to be bottom of your list and not even thought about really hurt.

She replied saying
You know what, I completely understand that - and yes I went the wrong way about it. . . I guess I found out and rang dan as soonas I found out and then I thought shit -I already have a friends birthday picnic on that night how am I going to work this. So me and Dan thought about it and decided basically that anyone that was near our way then heading to that birthday could come over (the thing I won is only for half an hour) then go straight to erica's. A few people txt me and same with Dan so we thought how are we going to do this - can only have a few people so we thought flatmates first since they live here. . . so thats me Dan James and hayden then we had enought room for 2 or 3 others. . . Me and Dan thought rather than ask people as we couldn't decide. . . we'd just put on facebook and see who responded first. . . I know you don't like hanging out west or much like many of the people from there so I just didn't txt anyone and just waited to see who was keen . . . I don't want to ask you and then you feel like you have to come west. . . as you have told me before you have felt like you have had to do things. . . I'd rather you make your own choice. I'm sorry it worked out this way. . . if you would like to come then please come as I am sure James or someone else won't make it last minute anyway, e are going out west as soon as it is finished though so as long as you are happy to come along? you were nowhere near the bottom of my list or not thought about. . . I am really sorry I hurt your feelings.

It just sounds like an excuse basically.

She had to come into work on Monday for an interview - for a job I GOT HER! and we didnt really talk then, and I havent really spoken to her since.

She txt me on sunday to ask if i was avoiding her cos i hadnt txt her to wish her good luck with her work do, and i just said i am kinda cos i was hurt and didnt really know what to say to her!

And thats the story!

Purged

Its been a while, but the urge took over. My cousin went out and i was home alone and purged until i was physically shaking and crying and dragged myself to bed with a stomach ache, a headache and an empty feeling inside that was confusing my head!

Cut cut cut

My mum said to me on sunday arvo when she was at my flat....

"what did you do to your wrist"
"burnt myself cooking"
"oh yeah and what about there, slit your wrist cooking too"
"what are you doing mum"
"what do you mean"
"why are you embarrassing me like this"
"im not i just know how dangerous cooking can be"

THANKS MUM!!!

Stop worrying about my weight..... ok

a friend just commented on my status on my facebook - the one where i say - 15 minutes of skipping and my skiping rope tells me i have burned 200 cals...

Teresa wrote: "you need to stop worrying about your weight... seriously! you're like a stick, you have nothing to worry about.. if anything you should probably put on a little more! You're tiny!!! Learn to love yourself like the rest of us love you!! x"

Hmmmmm

Is she being sarcastic? Me a stick!!! LOL. maybe she is thinking of another Amy. The one who used to have anorexia and weigh 42kgs. Cos that is definatley not me any more.
Im a recovered anorexic, cant you see... here watch me eat! - actually no dont watch me, it makes me anxious. Just trust me when i say I eat!

And put on a little more - why would any one want to gain weight? so i can be fatter than i am now?

and 1 more thing - like everyone else does... and who is everyone else/?? all those "friends" who came to my flat warming on saturday!! OH YEAH?!

Doesnt she know its not about weight, not really - it started off that way, ithe cycle always does, lose a little bit of weight and feel better, but then it all changes and as much as you want to stop she wont let you. Your in for life, in real deep. As much as you try to escape and be normal - there is no such thing, not in her world - ruled by calories, exercise, obession, no there is no escape! not for me. not yet.

Lies

My sister msg'd me tonight and said she can see im struggling and doesnt want me to go backwards

What she fails to realise is that im already on that downward slide.

Luckily I convinced her I just had a rough weekend, and going through a rough patch but all will be fine - as always!!

Drinking and Drugs and Ana - Not a good Combination

So yesterday I had my flat warming, and basically NO ONE turned up. I got txt messages throughout the day from different people giving me different reasons why they couldnt come!

By 6pm no one was coming they were all staying out west and chrisite and dan (my best mate and her bf - the only 2 there) wanted to go, and i got upset cos no one had turned up and i felt like a loser who has no friends... ended up having a massive cry in front of them and then they woudlnt leave me home alone so my cousin her friend and the others ended up dragging me out west to a massive house party - they kept telling me to just have the attitude of F*** it and F*** them and just have fun! But the more i drank, the more lines i did. the more i realised i didnt know many people at the party, i wasnt having fun and no one there even gave a shit. Then when my cousin started talking to me telling me how many people loved me etc etc and i was disagreeing she got angry so i left and went for a walk and sat on the swings, my best mate and cousin came and found me and just kept asking why i was so down, and i kept trying to tell them that its cos i dont really wanna be somewhere where people dont care about me, i wanna be at home.....

Ended up at midnight sitting out in the driveway iwith my cousins friend lecturing me on how hard everyone's life is but ya dont see everyone else being like me... blah blah blah... I just couldnt stop crying! I was so over it!

Then finally at 2pm my cousins friend came and picked us up..... I was ready to get a taxi home and felt guilty for making them leave....

I was crying again.... and my cousin said to my best mate she thinks they should call an ambulance cos she has never seen me like this, and i couldnt calm down!

I just wanted to be left alone in the first place, i didnt want to go to that party, i should never have gone!!

Now everyone thinks im crazy! :s

Blah

Amy do this, Amy do that, Amy why havent you done this....


All i get is demands, why dont his kids do anything. Why do I have to clean the kitchen every morning?

Purging

Tonight i had a random chat with a lady at the squash club about losing weight and exercise, i almost felt normal talking like normal people do about it all, except i was thinking differently to her, cos every now and again i would say something and she would go - uh what? and i would have to back track and cover it up!

Then tonight mum comes up and asks if we can postpone the bbq we were having for me and some friends cos its too hard with the girls being here!! WTF?!
Im not a child i can cook my own bbq !!

I purged after that - im losing my grip on normality. I heard mum and keith whispering about somehting and it was getting heated, i feel like i am causing problems with their happy family, so the sooner i get out the better!!

purging felt so good - as i vomited left over food, i vomited away all the guilt and shame i feel for not fitting in, i purged the lonlieness away until i felt empty in my tummy and not empty in my heart!!

new home

So am moving into a new house soon, my nanas old place with my cousin Jordan....

we havent even moved in and i just called her and she said - oh my friend Aria wants to move in and live in the garage, and val said it was all ok!!

I dont even know this girl, we havent even moved in yet and she is already making plans for someone else to move in???
It would have been nice if she had asked me instead of just telling me!!!

I just want to get in there and settle in before someone else moves in and takes over!!!! grrrrrrr

:(

I miss my sister!

I want to be back in the UK, where everything is ok. Where nothing changes dramatically and I dont have to re adjust and feel like i am a stranger to everyone.

Its started

So Ive been back in the country for all of 2 days and already Im in trouble
Last night I had put the heater on in my room and Keith came home and told me off cos it would make the power bill too high. Mum tried to stick up for me, but he just said its his house and she should back him !!

cant believe it!!

Hopefully (if my dad agrees) me and my cousin are going to move into nanas old place cos she is in the rest home and no one is in it. so see what he says!!

Feeling something

Last time I came down to my sisters, they wanted to go out for dinner, just the 2 of them (they wanted friday night but ended up going thursday night) and now this time down here, its saturday and they have gone out for lunch with their friends and tomoro (my last full day in the UK) and they are going up to Reading to visit their friends and get some baby clothes.
I'm really NOT a visitor any more, im just someone who comes down and can babysit for them.

I know that they do loads for me, Kel always buys me cereal bars and whatever I need when we go shopping, but to be fair I never ask for any of that, and always try to say I will buy it but she just puts it in with her shopping.

I just wish one time they would want to take ME out to lunch or dinner or something. I know it must be hard for them to with Josh and I understand. I dont really mean to be moaning about this, cos I am truly greatful for everything they have done for me but sometimes I just get so lonley coming here. I feel like I get left out alot, and I know im not actually apart of their family but I dunno!!!

Just feeling a bit lonely, left out and sad today I guess!

I should be used to it from what i grew up with, but i guess the thing is, is that here, when i first came over and was ill, they were so good to me, they would want to include me and take me out and invite me places but now that im not ill they dont. I guess I miss being wanted!

Sore stomach

So ive eaten my dinner and now i have a sore tummy - i dont know whether its all in my head cos i feel so guilty and fat for eaten or whether i do have a bit of an upset tummy.

I wish I didnt eat. I wish I didnt need food. I wish I didnt like food. I wish I wasnt me.

Hunger Pains

When most people get hunger pains I imagine they would go and get something to eat but me when I get hunger pains, I first think - Oh my body is hungry and then if i dont get food within the first few minutes of feeling hungry I get excited. That voice kicks in, ana takes over and tries to convince me that hunger pains = weight loss and weight loss = happiness.

And then when I eat I feel guilty for giving in to food, and not being strong enough any more to starve and be a good anorexic. I am a failure at so many things, this was the one thing i used to be good at ... when will I be good again!?!

Its easy to avoid a binge when ya have no food :(

My mind is a mess!!

pizza

The feeling that pizza gives me is partly that of satisfaction and partly that of disgust!
I ate 2 pieces of pizza and all i can think of is what it is doing in my tummy, what i would have given to have the freedom to run upstairs and empty my tummy so that there is nothing in there but the glass of wine I have just drunk!
I hate the guilt that I feel after eating, im sick of eating stuff that makes me feel this way!!!
I want to eat nothing so i feel nothing and then when i feel nothing, i can start to feel empty and feel thin again maybe!!

"You Look Good"

One saying can have so many meanings... ever since I have been trying to get better I have known people will say "you look good" and "you look healthy" but I never thought it would affect me so much.

Yesterday Georgina told me I looked really good and today mum told me I look really healthy. I FEEL FAT!

I remember wishing on a shooting star when we were in Croatia - the first wish that came to mind was - I WISH I COULD BE THIN!

I am so fat now - I just wish i could be thin!!

I dont care about looking healthy and looking good - I want to look nice and thin!!

when will it happen?!

2 months away on tour!

So for the month of July and August I was away on a tour, travelling through Europe (yet to write a blog)
I had this big idea that I could pretend to be normal for the whole 49 days, but as soon as we went into a mcdonalds I knew I was far from normal. There are still all these rules that I have and views that I have about food and weight and after chatting to my tent buddy clare (who told me she had ana when she was 18) (she is now 25) I realised as much as I want to pretend Im ok my mind is nowhere near normal.
I only had a couple of freak outs, mainly when i ate after 9pm, sometimes i skipped meals but for the majority of the first 30 days (or at least till we went sailing) I was vomiting alot of my food.
I have never felt so guilty about being so huge and eating so much food that the only way i could feel remotely happy was to go to the toilets after dinner.
I then got really ill and couldn’t eat any way so that pleased me a bit.
I also had another girl (abbey who is 18) come up and ask me if I have an ED, she said she could see it, cos of the way I act around food, the little things I do while eating or when im finished eating and she said she has also noticed that i go to the bathroom after meals – it was nice to talk to her but it just made me feel worse, cos she told me how when she had ana when she was 16 (only for 1 year) the thing that helped her was her family and she said that she realised guys didn’t want a girl stick thin they want someone with some boobs and bum!
I didn’t tell her that i would prefer if a guy didn’t want me (or want to touch me) but i just felt worse, cos i know the only real support ive ever had is from my sister!!

The little things i did on tour were – covering my plate with a napkin when i had eaten enough and giving away a lot of my food to the guys (especially lunch and especially the guys, cos guys always eat!!) um i commented alot of another (random)girls walking down the street, how skinny their legs were, i didn’t like any bikini shots (that showed off my fat!!)

I managed to survive 49 days with normal people, but i realise now how much my friends and family avoid the topic of food and exercise and weight around me, cos the people on tour talked about it around me and didn’t know any different, it was really strange – it sorta made me feel normal, but also in a way it made me feel really uncomfortable, i didn’t know how to join in conversations about dieting and fav foods, cos i couldn’t exactly say “i don’t like food”

I am now back in the UK and i weighed myself this morning, i managed to lose 1 kg!! Which im really happy about!!

Off to Egypt next Tuesday lets hope i can lose some more weight!!

Saturday

So on the weekend - I went out on a pub crawl and i met this guy - i ended up hanging out with him and his friends when my mates decided they wanted food and home - (bout 7pm) so i ended up going back to their place and I slept with him!!

This is the first time I have slept with a guy since the rape - and im not even sure why I did it. Normally when i get close to a guy and sex is on the cards i freak out and run away but this time it was different - i felt more comfortable with him, and i didnt know him too well, so it was easier to pretend like i was/am normal.
We were just lying in bed cuddling and he asked me if he could have a good night kiss and it sorta went from there. I was lying there whilewe were kissing and thinking the whole time - what am i doing, do i want this, what i freak out and i cant go anywhere cos i dont know how to get home..... and then suddenly realised i need to just stop thinking and go with it. And i did.
It was kinda weird at first - cos i was so nervous cos i hadnt done it for so long and was so scared I would forget what i was doing. But he let me be in control which was good and he was so lovely and gentle so it made me feel more at ease.
I remember with my ex bf ben - he was always so rough and forceful and in control and then the rape and i think i half expected every single guy to be like that.

I kinda feel dirty and its kinda hard to push that voice away telling me i did something so disgusting and dirty but my sis said that very one has one night stands and that she is proud of me for being able to do it in the first place.
I am too - i think - Im also a little scared about next time !! Who knows what might happen and how i may react.

I had a nightmare last night - with rus in it ! woke up sweating like anything - dont remember the nightmare but remember not being able to sleep !!

Sex for me isnt really something I enjoy - I slept around a bit when i was a bit younger and was always trying to please my boyfriends or the guys- never got much out of it for myself - and then the rape destroyed all thoughts of sex being pleasurable - but now i dunno. sat changed it for me, it was good.

I dont think i will be looking for any one night stands again though, but maybe now i can be a bit more confident with my body and be a bit more in control when it comes to guys! I duno.

Foods that burn fat!

FOODS THAT BURN FAT: CINNAMON
This spice may prevent the post-meal insulin spike that can trigger your body to store fat rather than burn it. Plus, cinnamon brings out the natural sweetness in foods without adding calories. All spices and herbs help you lose pounds when used to add flavor to foods instead of butter, oil, or salt.

FOODS THAT BURN FAT: CHICKPEAS
Because beans provide the ideal combination of fiber and protein, plus a type of fat-fighting starch, called resistant starch, they satisfy your hunger for relatively few calories (about 120-140 per 1/2 cup). Studies show bean eaters weigh less and have slimmer waistlines.


FOODS THAT BURN FAT: EGGS
According to a Saint Louis University study, dieters who ate eggs at breakfast lost more weight than those who picked a high-carb meal with the same number of calories. Other research shows that having a big breakfast helps you control your calorie intake all day long.
FOODS THAT BURN FAT: MUSHROOMS
These contain the amino acid glutamate, which gives them a hearty, meaty taste referred to as umami. Umami foods (others include Parmesan, sweet potatoes, and olives) add a lot of flavor to foods, which helps up the satisfaction factor of smaller portions.

FOODS THAT BURN FAT: NUTS
All nuts (and nut butters) pack fiber, protein, and healthy fat to keep your tummy feeling full longer. Pistachios supply extra fat-fighting power because you have to shell them before you eat them, so your brain has time to recognize you're full and you stick with a smaller serving.

FOODS THAT BURN FAT: SHRIMP
Four ounces supplies a third of your protein needs for under 120 calories. In one study, women who got 30 percent of their calories from protein had more muscle, which boosts metabolism. Other options: tofu, yogurt, chicken, lean beef, pork, and fish.

FOODS THAT BURN FAT: WHOLE-WHEAT PASTA
Yes, you can eat pasta and lose weight! Whole-wheat varieties (and other whole grains, like quinoa and barley) take longer to digest than products made from refined flour, so they raise blood sugar more slowly. This can prevent excess fat storage, especially around your belly.

My Friends

So whilst walking to work this morning I was thinking about my friends and who i consider my best friends
I think my best friend is someone who i can tell anything to and now worry about whether they will laugh at me -
Jords and Kel I would say are my best friends who know all about me !!
I then have what I call my near best friends, who each have their different purposes and are special to me in their own ways, they know alot about me but not every single thing and i know i can turn to them if and when i need their help.....Georgina, Haley, Christie, Teresa, Mum, Amelia, Donna
Then there are my ED girlies - whom i love and would do anything for ...Milly, Shawny, Charley, Lauren, Leanne - These girls are like my other friends - they are a category of their own!
Then there are my  friends - whom i love to bits but they dont know every detail of my life -
Ineke, Kelly M, Sammie, Nikky, Jared, Sarah M, Emma P.
There are also my travelling friends - those who are in the same situation as me and have meet through travels, not sure how long we last as friends but they are good people who I have met along my way...
Claire, Hannah & Liam, Anna, Neil, Kaly
And then there is everyone else who i know who are really just people who i hang out with sometimes and enjoy their company - Im not NOT friends with them for any reason and I still consider them to be friends but they are people who know little about me and I generally wouldnt call on them if i was in desperate need of help

Im not realy sure why i felt the need to write all of that - i guess i was just thinking and wanted to get it out

Detoxing, Dieting and then there is me

Everyone seems to be detoxing, dieting and losing weight, except for me.
Nikky my flat mate made an announcement on Sunday that she has lost 4kgs in 2 weeks and she hasnt really been trying - then Christie, my friend back home, has said she is detoxing and wants to lose some weight
Both these girls are gorgeous and DO NOT in anyway need to lose weight.
I, however feel like I am huge and all i want to do is lose weight but dont seem to be getting anywhere doing so!!

I know losing weight isnt a competition but try telling my ED inside my head that. Its all i want to do, is be the best I can be at something and losing weight WAS what I was good at - I want that back so badly!!

Next week I have decided I will only eat fruit and vegies for a week - I need to kick start this losing weight thing. 

Dream last night

I had to share this dream as it was very vivid and i remember it very well - probably cos i was in a new bed, i always have really odd and vivid dreams when im in a new bed for the first time.
Anyway....
I dreamt that i was going upstairs (in our house) and going to take a bath, i could hear it running, and when i got there the light was on and the door closed, I was already naked and as i opened the door i noticed the bath overflowing but not with water, with blood. And then I just climbed on in.

And then i woke up!!!!!

MEANINGS
No matter how elegantly we design them, we can't disguise the fact that bathrooms are reserved for both the external and internal cleansing of the body. What needs to be purged in waking life?

•  An overflowing bathtub or flooded bathroom can indicate a buildup of emotion. Is the water clean or dirty? 

• If the water is muddy, evil, indeed death, and enemies are near you.
• To dream of blood overflow, suggests that your health condition is in danger. 
• To dream you bathe in the bathroom, indicates you have your health problems.

Best Friends ??

I would have thought that a best friend would want to talk to me, make plans and time to talk to me. But no, no matter what i do - something always happens with christie and we dont talk.

I keep thinking that I am some terrible friend cos my own best friends dont even wanna talk to me!

I still havent spoken to Jordan, she hasnt facebooked me or anything. I understand she is prob still grieving after her friends death but she is talking to all her other friends, why doesnt she wanna talk to me!

Why am I not good enough for my best friends?!

Mums Wedding

So talking to my mum today - it sounds like the wedding is getting bigger and bigger, and she said the that bridesmaids are gonna be me and shenee (Her fiancee's 15 year old daughter)
I feel kinda weird about that - like is my mum only having her as a bridesmaid to keep Keith happy or does she want her as her bridesmaid - and if she wants her as her bridesmaid - WHY? she isnt her daughter, Im her daughter!
Why cant Shenee do something else in the wedding, why does she have to share my job with my mother?

Am i just being selfish in my thinking? am i over reacting? maybe i dunno. maybe i am being selfish and mean - but it kinda feels like im being abandoned by my mother and now have to fight with Shenee for my own mothers love.

I always thought bridesmaid was an important job and you chose a bridesmaid cos they were your closest friend - not just cos they are your fiances daughter.

Flat Mates

So my flat mate said that her and her husband were talking and they said that if we were in high school our stereotypic brands would be.....

Me - The emo one - with secrets
Nicole (the other nz girl)- The cheerleader
Amelia (the one who i was talking too) - the drifter - the one who floats between groups
Agata (polish girl - eldest in the house) - the geek who constantly tries to be in with the "cool" kids
Walter (Amelias husband) - The jock
Damian (Nikkys bf) - The nerd

Friday

So its now Sunday night and I havent spoken to my sister all weekend - normally i talk to her at least once a day either on the phone or on skype or something but I havent heard from her since the comment on friday !!


I cut on Friday too - I felt so useless and worthless and after hearing my sister agree with me. I was sitting in bed thinking Im not actually wanted and all those dark thoughts but then thought I cant do anything cos thats just selfish towards my flat mates who would find me. So instead I broke my new years resolution ... again and cut.

when i started i started slowly, i was kinda scared cos i hadnt done it in so long i was anticipating pain. i was scared more about how i was gonna feel while i was doing it rather than the actual act of cutting itself.
I cut in a new place too this time. I wanted to be able to hide it and feel something different. I cut above the elbow on the inside of the arm on my left arm... it bled like anything but i felt no pain.
I was sitting in bed and blood was running down my arm and into my hand yet i was feeling no pain. So i cut it again making sure to press a little bit deeper, but once again no pain - only more and more blood.
So i took the razor in my left hand and made 2 short quick cuts just by my elbow - i know its painful there - the quick cuts hurt more. But i barely felt anything except anger. All i wanted to do was to attack my arm with the razor, cause myself alot of pain and sit and cry but I couldnt I was too ashamed and felt guilty for leaving marks on my arm. I am sick of the looks i get when people see the scars, the eyes on my scars.
I was affraid of what people would think and i think that that actually stopped me from carrying on. I had cut 2 deep cuts and the one on my other arm was still bleeding so i sat on my bed and cried!

I didn feel much after cutting this time. I felt guilty for being such a failure and not being strong enough to resist the need to cut. I felt a release but im not sure what sort of emotion was being released!

Bear in mind, people with eating disorders tend to be both competitive and intelligent. We are incredibly perfectionistic. We often excel in school, athletics, artistic pursuits. We also tend to quit without warning. Refuse to go to school, drop out, quit jobs, leave lovers, move, lose all our money. We get sick of being impressive. Rather, we tire of having to seem impressive. As a rule, most of us never really believed we were any good in the first place."

 ”Wasted”, Marya Hornbacher

Welcome to my Life - Simple Plan

Sorta Sums me up right at this very moment!!!!!

 

 

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

Obviously a failure

So i was talking to my sister just before - and she asked me for an update on my laptop and when i told her about talking to sarah (my friend who is a policewoman) and how she said there isnt much i can do about it, but if i have insurance i can claim it on that.
I said no - no insurance
My sister asked why- i said i didnt think about it. I said back home mum was the one who would remind me about that sorta stuff and she then said
"well your mummy isnt here, maybe you need to start acting like a 22 year old and doing things for yourself"
I replied with
"obviously im failing at it" and she said
"Obviously"

I am a failure.
There is one thing I failed at that I will not be failing at again! I will not let myself down again. I will not fail myself again. I am in control and I will not fail.

Why is everything going wrong?!

I feel like nothing I am doing at the moment is right - I am a failure at everything!!

** Today i was supposed to work from 4.30-6.30pm, i had it written in my diary, so travelled an hour to work only to find out i hadnt been confirmed and therefore not working !!

** My best friends back home, dont even wanna talk to me about whats going on in their lives.
How can they call me a best friend if they dont wanna let me in on stuff that is happening - i feel like such a shitty friend !! what kind of friend am i if they dont even wanna speak to me !!
My best friend is the person i think of when something happens, good or bad..... and clearly I am no ones best friend any more. No matter what they say - actions speak louder than words - especially when NO words are being said
Found out my best friend - broke up with her bf - he told me cos he was so upset and she wont even speak to me about it?! 

** Paypal have said I am to get NO compensation for the scammer who basically stole my laptop! so I am now out of £800 and kelly says - it wasnt mine to start with so i didnt really lose anything!!
I feel like I deserve it (the scamming that is) cos i was stupid enough to let him do it!!
I am weak and pathetic for not seeing it happening!!

I AM SUCH AN IDIOT!!

So i won this laptop last week, and put it on ebay to sell for £800. The auction was ending on Friday and a guy emailed me asking if he could pick it up asap, so i rang paypal to see if it was safe doing pick up only and was advised so long as he signs something its all good. So saturday he paid me and i met him and he took the laptop.
Then saturday evening when i got home i had an email from paypal, saying that it was an unauthorised tranasaction and they have reversed the payment
then when i called paypal today they said he had paid me as a gift payment, instead of buying goods so no postage address was provided making it invaild, and cos i had never requested one i am not covered - but as i told the lady today, i was advised i didnt need one cos he was picking it up!!
So basically ive been scammed - he obviosly hacked someone elses account to pay me and did it very cleverly - got my laptop and buggered off!!

so now im out of pocket £800
but paypal are doing an investigation as to why the guy on friday that i spoke to told me it would be safe to do trading that way. i was going on his personal advice and now i have lost out!!!


I feel totaly humiliated by it! i feel like he is having a big laugh at my stupidity!

It doesnt help that when my sister found out, all she could say was - why havent you called the police yet?!
She didnt ask if i was ok it just felt like she was telling me off!

I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!!!

Triggered

So on today my flat mate and I were talking, and she was telling me how she had to have some swabs taken for an STD check and then was going back next week to have a cervical screening thing done, and all i could think about was after my rape, the doctor was trying to convince me to go to auckland rape crisis and have a rape kit done, and i remember her explaining what they were gonna do.... which were take swabs and photos of the brusing. But i was too affraid to do it. I was scared of the thought of strangers doing it, so a week later my own doctor did an STD check.

I remember lying on the bed in the doctors room, she had just left the room to leave me to take of my pants and undies and lie under the sheet. but i remember being to scared to even do that. it took alot of encouragment from the doctor to convince me to do it.
And i remember her saying that it wasnt going to hurt and that I was being very brave.
But it did hurt. I was so tender and bruised that i felt everything and i remember her saying that i had to imgaine i was lying in the sunshine on a beach somewhere and to tell her what i was seeing in my imagination. I just lay there silent, cos as hard as I tried - and still do try to imagine i am somewhere else, all i could think of was what was the last thing that had been put inside me so forcefully!!

And amelia telling me about the swabs and how they didnt hurt but were just uncomfortable.... i actually felt like i was bak in the doctors room and for most of the afternoon i had flashbacks.... some really random ones, like the doctor trying to convince me to go to the rape crisis and our conversations! it was very odd!!

Guilty

So today while out with my sister and their friends, - the friend Ruth, her sister is in hospital with anorexia. She is kelly's age - so 36.

All i could feel (along with pain for ruth and the sister) was guilt. I feel guilty, that I never made it that far. What kind of anorexic was i/am i? 

Why couldnt I get to that point? what made me so weak that I give up the only thing i was actually doing right in!

I have never had good grades, been a top athlete, but i was getting pretty good at losing weight and hiding it.

whatiswrongwithme??

Best Friends

Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:

• the tendency to desire what is best for the other
• sympathy and empathy
• honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
• Mutual understanding
• Mutual Compassion

 Urban Dictionary says:

	Best Friends are very special people in your life. They are the first people you think about when you make plans. They are the first people you go to when you need someone to talk to. You will phone them up just to talk about nothing, or the most important things in your life. When you’re sad they will try their hardest to cheer you up. They give the best hugs in the world! They are the shoulder to cry on, because you know that they truly care about you. In most cases they would take a bullet for you, coz it would be too painful to watch you get hurt.

I have a friend - whom i havent spoken to properly since March - so almost 3 months. I have chatted to her on facebook about trivial things, travel, weather weekends etc etc.
She used to be the first person I wanted to tell things too- when something exciting happened, or something shocking or sad, now I just think she wont have time, or I have to wait months to talk to her, so whats the point. 
I always wonder if she thinks the same as me, cos she doesnt ask to skype me, I'm always the one who has to ask when we are gonna talk next. 
She used to be my best friend, but now im not so sure.

A best friend to me, is someone who has the time to listen, even when they have so much going on with them, they will go out for coffee or wine, even if it means ditching their boy friend for a few hours. 
They are someone who asks how you are and listens. Not just hears the monotone of "IM OK" but actually listens. Someone who knows all about your life - not necesssarily your past but more importantly your present, they can give good advice and just want to be with you cos they are your friend. 

I dont think I have many friends any more. All my friends back home have moved on with their lives and dont know any REAL stuff that is going on with me. No one really asks. No one really cares.

I wonder what it will be like when I go home!! 

Truth

I wish i could sayon my facebook how it is i really feel -
i feel fat, i feel disgusting, i wish i hadnt have eaten anything!!
I AM FAT!!

Instead i have said - i feel huge, so much food and cider i think i may pop!!
AKA - I AM FAT!

we had a bbq tonight and andrew came round, he makes me nervous, but a good nervous, i wanna look at him when i talk but when he looks at me i get all funny and feel all sily, and i wanna say something, but i just feel like looking at him and end up saying somehing random or silly.
he prob thinks im an idiot.

Just some stats

16,952 a year die from eating disorders

Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric illness – it is estimated that 10% of individuals with anorexia will die within 10 years of the onset of the disorder.
42% of 1st-3rd grade girls want to be thinner
81% of 10 year olds are afraid of being fat
The average American woman is 5’4" tall and weighs 140 pounds. The average American model is 5’11" tall and weighs 117 pounds.
Most fashion models are thinner than 98% of American women
51% of 9 and 10 year-old girls feel better about themselves if they are on a diet
46% of 9-11 year-olds are "sometimes" or "very often" on diets
82% of their families are "sometimes" or "very often" on diets
91% of women recently surveyed on a college campus had attempted to control their weight through dieting, 22% dieted "often" or "always"
35% of "normal dieters" progress to pathological dieting. Of those, 20-25% progress to partial or full-syndrome eating disorders
Americans spend over $40 billion on dieting and diet-related products each year



The aim of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week is to ultimately prevent eating disorders and body image issues while reducing the stigma surrounding eating disorders and improving access to treatment. Eating disorders are serious, life-threatening illnesses — not choices — and it’s important to recognize the pressures, attitudes and behaviors that shape the disorder.

Isolation

Isolation

Isolation is more than loneliness.
It's being in a room full of people that love you and being separated by impasses that no one understands.
Isolation is the feeling that life goes on without you.
You're alive but besides being a responsibility you feel you are little else - kind of like when someone dies. Everyone grieves, loves, and mourns but they can't stop living because the sun still rises each morning.
Isolation is the feeling you get before you ask someone to do something else for you and the feeling you get when they give you a resigned look and do it anyway.
Isolation is wondering as the days go by why you're here.
It's wondering if life for loved ones would be easier with you gone.
It's thinking of suicide as an option with the only thread of life being your fear of the unknown for your children and yourself.
Isolation is living in one room.
It's missed soccer games, parent-child picnics, family trips, church...time.
Isolation is feeling the minutes tick by and losing them everyday with no hope of regaining them.
It's watching your babies grow and not being able to play with them outside or pick them up when they're hurt.
it's knowing that even your staunchest believers and supporters get worn down with you & your family's care and have their own natural doubts.
Isolation is not being able to have or keep friends because they require too much energy.
It's not being able to make love because you're too tired.
It's not being able to go for a walk with your husband.
It's not being able to go on a date other than a movie.
Isolation is winter, when you can't leave the house because you inevitably catch a horrible virus that worsens your convalescent life.
It's always having to ask others to do things you should be able to do.
Isolation is watching your husband get worn down and depressed because he has to fill his role and yours.
Isolation is trying to explain to people why you're different.
It's people gossiping about what a pathetic person you are.
It's hearing that people disapprove of your dependence on loved ones.
It's people wondering if it's sin in your life that caused this awful condition.
Isolation is sitting and thinking of all the things you'd love to do.
It's the realization of all of the missed chances, the unrealized dreams, the impossible goals.
It's not being able to have another baby because you can't take care of the ones you have.
It's boredom and desperation.
Isolation is depression and loneliness and love.
It's wanting, praying, needing, and begging for something that isn't yours to have.
Isolation is wanting to help people but not being able to help yourself.
It's knowing you have so much to give but not being able to give it.
it's realizing that people are living with much worse conditions than yours but feeling sorry for yourself anyway.
Isolation is taking and not being able to give anything back.
Isolation is a feeling that no one can empathize with.
It's a feeling that you have to feel to understand.
It's a feeling I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Unfortunately, isolation is one of my best friends.

© Jacki Ingalls, 1997

Proclamation of a Successful recovery!

I have an Eating Disorder, but I am not an eating disorder. I am seperate from my eating disorder and I accept the responsibility to do whatever it takes to maintain that seperation.

I have the ability and the responsibility to recognise the voice of my eating disorder and to disagree with it when it tells me what I should do.
I accept full responsibility for continuing to develop my personal vision of emotional and physical health in specific terms and for focusing my attention toward that positive vision.
When I stumble or slip in my recovery, I respond with compassion and firmness like a strong, loving parent who accepts her child unconditionally.
I know that perfection is not an option and I disagree when old programming tells me that it is.
I support myself by acknowledging my efforts and my progress along the way. When I fall short of my expectations, I remember that I am only human and that I don't deserve to be attacked for being less than human.

Thom Rutledge 2009

Just random stuff

If you have a love-hate relationship with your scale, I highly recommend that you break up with your scale once and for all. Throw away your scale. Hide it. Tuck it into the back corner of your basement. Here are ten reasons to seriously consider it.




1. Have you ever had a day when you are feeling great and then you step on the scale and your day is permanently ruined? A scale can make or break your mood in an instance. Stop letting the scale play head games with you.



2. If you really want to know how your weight is impacting your health, get a tape measure. What really matters is your waist circumference. A high waist circumference is associated with an increased risk of health problems like type 2 diabetes, dyslipidemia, hypertension, and cardiovascular disease. If you are a male, your waist circumference should be less than 40 inches. If you are woman, less than 35 inches.



3. Your weight alone is a poor indicator of your health. You can be very thin and unhealthy (be malnourished, have osteoporosis or high cholesterol for example) or overweight and healthy (no heart disease, good cholesterol etc.). Don't get lulled into believing that your weight can determine if you are fit or not. Get a complete physical by your doctor to determine how healthy you are.



4. A scale doesn't tell you about your strength and endurance. Can you run a mile? Can you touch your toes? Can you walk comfortable? These things are what really matter to your life. Not being able to do these daily activities tells you a lot about the state of your health.



5. Use your clothing as your guide. Your clothes help you to have a better perceptual awareness of your body. Numbers on a scale do not. Your scale may "tell" you that you've lost five pounds -- but how do you "know" it? Your clothes help you to sense it. Without even stepping on the scale, clothes alert you to whether you have lost or gained weight.



6. A scale does not measure your body fat to muscle ratio. As you become more fit, your muscle mass goes up and therefore your weight increases. A scale is not sophisticated enough to know the difference. Therefore, if you need to know more about your body, get your body fat composition evaluated by a personal trainer at a sports clinic or wellness facility.



7. A scale doesn't consider your healthy weight "range." It only gives you one number. Within a day or two, your weight naturally goes up and down depending on things like your water intake, salt consumption, PMS and other factors. So, it is natural for your weight to fluctuate a little rather than stay on one exact number.



8. Do you use your scale for punishment or reinforcement? Do you reward yourself when the number is down and punish yourself when it is up? A scale can't determine your worth even though we often give it that power.



9. As human beings, we love to quantify things, to see our progress in numbers. Instead, focus on the process of eating mindfully rather than the outcome results of a number on a scale. If you are eating healthy, your weight will drop. You have more power over the doing activities to keep you healthy than moving the numbers.



10. Scales are not all the same. Don't be surprised if your weight at home is different than what they record at the doctor's office. Scales are machines. While relatively on target, for the weight obsessed, even a pound difference can throw you into a tizzy.



For some, a scale is a helpful tool. For others, a scale warps your emotional relationship with your body. If this sounds like you, I hope this has convinced you to rethink your relationship with your scale. Say audios scale!



By: Dr. Susan Albers (see Dr. Susan Albers on Dr. Oz on Thursday January 21st!). She is a psychologist and author of 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food, Eat, Drink & Be Mindful, Mindful Eating 101 and Eating Mindfully.

Hungover but happy

Last night 2 good things happened!

1. I managed to squeeze back into my size 6 jeans - JUST - but hey i actually wore them out !! :-)

2. I got a part time job! - doing promo work and shots work around London!!

I was so drunk last night though.
I wanted to stay at Tiger Tiger but Anna and Amelia wanted to go and eat, but i didnt want to eat, well i did, i was so hungry but i couldnt do it. I was so so hungry but i managed to sit there and have a miso soup!! :(
i was so angry at myself!! I could feel everyones eyes on me, wondering what i was doing in there if i wasnt going to eat - but i felt powerful at the same time!! :/

They are my things

I dont know why I have such a problem with a friend using my laptop. I feel like she is violating my private property when she asks if she can use it.
maybe im scared she will come across all my photos from when i was 97lbs or maybe she will find my folder named "Stuff - Private" containing pics of super skinny celebs, diet tips, pics of me skin and bone, notepad journals and food diaries......

Food again

So tongiht i feel is gonna be a struggle not to eat - again!
I have lost a kg so I am thinking positive. I havent gotten my lazy ass out for a run for about a week now, but am doing squats etc every morning and night so hopefully thats gettin my legs some exercise!
And when i walk I walk thinking I am losing weight - wether that has some impact or not i dunno. I like to think it does!! LOL

My mum

I think im in shock a bit. I just cant believe that my mum is getting married. I mean i guess on some level i already knew but at the same time i had hoped it was never gonna happen ...
In some weird twisted  i had secretly wished that mum and dad would get back together and they would live happily ever after.
I should be happy that my mum is happy but I just feel kinda numb, im not really sure what this feeling is.

Maybe im affraid - affraid she is just settling for someone that isnt good enough for her, affraid she is now creating her own family and im gonna be totally abandoned. I mean Keith's daughter is already living with them so they are half way there.
Will his daughters have a big part in the wedding? Am i still gonna be her baby girl?!

and then there is the fact that she has been engaged for 3 weeks now and only just told me. She told Donna (our family friend) 2 weeks ago. Why didnt see tell me?

Mrs Jones

My mum is getting 

married

crazy antics of me

so the other day whilst facestalking friends of friends i stumbled across Rusell, the guy who... assualted me.
(Those 2 words took me nearly 5 minutes to type)
So what i did next i cannot explain it, there is no real reason why, no explaination possible and no outcome from it either.
I created a fake facebook page under the name of kelly smith and then added him - he accepted but must have deleted me realising he didnt know me, so i tried again, and this time lucked out, i was online when he accepted, so i browsed through his profile, looking at all his pictures, reading his likes and dislikes, seeing who is friends are - what pages and groups he has....
I was overcome with emotion and realised i should not be doing this, it was doing me absolutley no good - instead of having his face flash at me through the darkness i know have several images of him drunk and laughing with friends going through muy mind.
He soon deleted me as a friend and i deleted the page.

I dont know how i feel now. This whole time i have seen him as this monster, i have had that image of him standing next to my bed, of him on top of me, breathing on me but now I see him as a human, he has a life. He is a person. Which brings me to my next question...
how can one HUMAN do this to another human? why did he do this? was he that drunk that he lost all control. Did i lead him on to do this? has he done it again? will he do it again?

The last 2 years I have been picturing him as a monster and now i dont, and i think that may be worse. He is a human and he can hurt another human. If he can so easily hurt someone else, then anyone can.
Who can i trust. Do all guys have that inside of them, that if they are pushed too fat they will tip and hurt someone.
Maybe I have a good reason to be affraid of guys. Russel isnt some monster that preys on people, picking his next target to rape and destroy, he is a guy who is living his life. If he isnt a monster - imagine what all those other guys out there who ARE monsters could do.

Chinese and Vomit

So today I did super well - so my anorexic voice tells me, I ate some rice crackers and a banana and a couple of bicsuits (I know failed there)
But then my friend Anna insisted on us going for chinese. So i tried to order the healthiest least fattiest piece of filth from the menu and ended up getting salmon and rice and salad.
The salad was good - without the dressing, the rice was ok, and i managed to get through half of my food.
I kinda got excited for a minute while i was eating and thinking, ive done so well these last few days this is my reward. This is my way of being happy for a while. But that ended pretty quickly,
on the walk home i was feeling full and fat and dirty. The food was sloshing around in my tummy making it hurt, i thought i was going to vomit in the street walking home. I made it home, about 45 minutes after finishing the food, and then it came - the guilt, I had to get rid of that food, it was eating my insides, ruining my running, ruining my anorexia. So i swallowed as much water as i could, ran the shower and sat on the floor semi naked vomiting, but it was too late, I could shove my fingers half way down my throat and still only get the smallest amount of evil out of me. I was exhausted. I managed to purge a little, but my head started spinning and my throat was burning, rice and salmon i have discovered is not the easiest of things to bring back up, no matter how muhc water you drink before hand, it still cuts the throat as it passes back through the mouth and into the toilet.
I felt horrible, dirty, ashamed, sick and worst of all like I had let myself down. i shouldnt have eaten that food. I didnt need it, I have gone 3 days without dinner, why start now.
And as i sat in the bottom of the shower with the hot water washing away any traces of human away, my anorexia was nagging at me, telling me how fat i am, how worthless I am, how much of a failure i am for being like everyone else, eating like everyone else. how am i gonna be perfect when im ordinary?!

So now im sitting in my bed, freezing cold - wishing I hadnt put the heater away, my hair still dripping, probably making me more cold, i have a headache, sore throat and my tummy hurts, likke someone has kicked me hard in the stomach. I wont be making that mistake again. No chinese for me.

Oh God There is food

So the guy that has been staying is cooking for everyone tonight, I sorta said "cool" instantly wondering how i can get out of it.
Im not hungy, I will save mine for tomoro were my words that i quietly whispered as my tummy rumbles at the smell of the vegetarian risotto being cooked in our kitchen
I am so hungry and I want the food, but at the same time, i dont want it.
I have been doing so well, I havent had dinner for 3 days now, and i didnt go for a run today so have no way of even trying to justifiy shoving food into my fat stomach.
I have had a cup of tea, which i savoured and now I am up in my room, with the smell of the vegies whafting up here like its teasing me, trying to trick me into thinking I should eat.
I know i dont want to... I have repeatedly told myself I cannot eat that tonight - i stood in front of the mirror my hip bones barely visable and told myself NOT TONIGHT -
I will be stronger. I will be anorexic -I will be thin again. And if i eat that delicious food down there - I will not be in control, I will only be disappointing an already huge disappoint that is myself.
I will watch some more SVU - and relive the moment I was attacked, reminding myself of why I do not get to eat tonight, or any other night.
I watch it and I feel connected to those actresses who portray their brutal attacks with such conviction and then get justice - which in turn makes me feel as though i am somehow getting justice too and making me realise im not alone, even though Olivia Benson will never come to save me and tell me it will all be ok. Its comforting to watch her empathic ways with so many others that it makes me feel safe again, if only for a short while.

Monday

So today I had half a banana for breakfast and coffee,
I then had some biscuits with a cup of tea at 11am. For lunch I had half a packet of pasta thing - bout 150 cals.
Then kinda binged on bicuits in the arvo.
I was sitting there eating them and got so excited, like the voice inside me was saying - go on eat as many as you can, do it, what are you affraid of, then half way through, i started thinking I had tricked myself into allowing these bicuits and spat them out.
I have since been for a 30 minute run, done some sit ups and squats, had a shower and half a hot x bun and cup of tea .... nothing more for today

Sweden

I have just come back from a weekend away in Sweden.
on the Saturday night, we were out and about and on our way home and the girls wanted to stop for some burger king, i instinctively said NO but as they sat there eating there fatty burgers with probably all my daily calories in one burger, my tummy rumbled and i longed to have the courage to actually order a burger then sit down and be able to eat it.

I did feel all powerful after we left though, I wondered how they were feeling, if they even cared how many calories, carbs and fat they had just consumed in 30 minutes. did they know that the meal they just ate was probably going to consqueuntially make them gain 1 pound. Did they care if they did gain that pound. How could they not.
And that was pretty much my thoughts on the taxi ride back to the hostel.

And as I lay in bed - my tummy empty, my head twisted by the thoughts of me being in control of my food and my anorexia - I felt good. I wasnt going to gain a pound in my sleep. I wasnt going to wake up feeling fat and full wishing I hadnt eaten. I felt good.

Prediciment

So im sitting at work, my boss has just gone for the day leaving me alone with the biscuits :s

I decided i would do 100 starjumps and then have a cup of tea.#

That ended up being 50 starjumps a cup of tea and 4 biscuits, and now i dunno whether to sit and take in the guilt and feel disgusting or do i binge and eat another 4 biscuits and purge?! 

Randomness of random

So today I didnt eat much - i had some noodles left over from dinner last night (about a handful) and a packet of crips (80cals) and 3 biscuits.

My head is throbbing and im so hungry but i know i will feel better for not eating.

I should have gone for a run. I wish I had. Im so lazy! I only walked to and from work and thats all the exercise i have done! I need some motivation to do exercise!!!!!!

Purge

I purged for the second time in 2 days.
Sat night we had eaten dinner (i had 3 chicken wings, some salad and 2 pieces of garlic bread) and was outside with my flat mate, and she said that she was so full she could go and throw up. and something inside of me, just said - you need to go and throw up ! and as i was doing it, slowly.... i heard someone coming up the stairs so stopped.
And then tonight, i had planned on only eating an egg for dinner, but was persuaded by my flat mate to have chinese with her, so i had some noodles (prob bout a palm full) and some vegies and squid (prob bout the same amount) and 4 pork dumplings.
After eating, i just sat there and was consumed with the guilt, of knowing i had only eaten some crackers all day and now i was ruining all that with chinese!!
So i have come upstairs run the shower and purged - not a huge amount but until i was choking a bit on the food stuck in the back of my throat. Then i swallowed some water and jumped around in the bathroom and purged again.... without really trying too.

Im now in bed after doing some starjumps (but then realised i was being noisy) and so did 100 squats and 100 sit ups...

I am starting now! as of now i will lose weight.!! i have too!!
am 56kgs. i wanna be 50kgs by the time i leave london in 10 weeks!!

Happy Balance?!

So Saturday night I spent about an hour and a half sitting on my bed in my bra and shorts bawling my eyes out cos I couldnt find anything to wear out, cos alot of my favourite clothes dont fit me any more. They are all getting to be too small.
I hate being this weight - i really do

I keep trying to focus on the positive and think I will be healthy for my travels around Europe etc but then I hate my body, my weight, myself so much - how can i possibly have fun and enjoy myself when i am hating myself so much.

I can only pretend and block out these feelings for so long and then i just end up breaking down completley!!

something has to change!! I have to be better. the only i can feel good about myself is if i lose some weight!

12 weeks until i leave!

Last Night

So last night, I went out clubbing with a group of friends...
Andrew was there and we kissed
He said to me that ever since he first saw me he liked me but was nervous about telling me
I felt really good but then i started thinking, is he just saying this cos he is drunk or cos he wants to sleep with me... and i started paniking a bit and sorta just disappeared for a bit
and then when he asked me why i had run off - all i could say was that I am scared, and not scared of him, but what he may do.
He ended up coming to stay at our place and I sorta showed him the bed in the lounge and said good night.
I left him jus wondering why the hell i had acted so weird
I dont understand myself!
here is a guy who may like me - like genuinely like me, not jus want to hurt me and im already pushing him away!
I was very drunk and wasted and I could not deal with any thing like that last night.
I wonder if he will want to see me again?!

Guys and Me

So I met a guy on Wednesday night - a friends cousin, he was really nice and we have alot in common.

I noticed when i first met him, I would be talking to both of them and i suddenly realised I hadnt even looked him in the eye since I started talking. Not really sure why?!
And then as the night went on, and more alcohol I got a little better, but I was so nervous talking to him.
Whenever I met a guy, I always wonder what he is thinking, and if he got me alone would he try and have sex with me. I know its a totally random thing to think, cos not all guys are out to hurt me. But i cant help it.

sexually abused??

I keep having these thoughts and wondering why am i so screwed up?

Even when i was 15 i cut myself for the first time and my eating was messed up in college - i wasnt raped until i was 19 why was acting this way at this age?
And as much as i research shit, alot of the stuff asks the question:
where you sexually abused at a young age?
so i start wondering did something happen that i dont remember? I have this whole period in my life that i dont really remember, from like age 3 to 12, i remember parts of it, but not alot of stuff is that normal?

And then i found an article about stuff and there was this check list and i started doing it and all signs lead to sexual abuse/incest, and i burst into tears. I really dont think it happened, but i just dont know.
would i know if it had happened or is it possible i have blocked it from my memory??

When i was 8 and 9 a friend of mine and I (she's a girl) we used to act out scenarios and we used to touch each other and stuff - as far as i remember I initiated all of this and came up with the ideas.
I was always pre-occupied with sex and used to imagine myself all the time
when i was in high school i used to use sex to try and make me feel normal. I used to freak out and panic though when i would have sex . and im not even sure why.
I used to have all these stories that i made up and i dont even know why or where they came from.
and now im so confused - were these signs of sex abuse or was this normal?

i dont know what to think!! I dont know whether Im jus being a drama queen or whether something happened and i jus dont remember it!?!

I feel sick thinking about it!

Self Harm

Im not a writer - i wish i could write something well written about how i feel. I jus cant.
Ive had a shitty night. I won VIP entry to pacha and was feeling totally pathetic cos couldnt find 10 people to go! Then my sister said, why didnt i invite her, and she can take the hint.
I didnt invite her cos she is 36, has been sick and has a sick 2 year old son, and has already told me before she prefers quiet places where she can sit and talk....

I feel terrible. I didnt invite her, i would love her to come, but didnt think she would even take me seriously if i asked her.
But now i have hurt her.
I was already hurting and i have spread my hurt to others

so i cut - for the first time in months, i didnt open up an old wound.... i got a fresh razor, tore it apart and took a clean new blade to my right wrist (normally do the left one)
I deserved every minute of the pain. I am a terrible person. It felt good, cold, the blood running down my arm. I sat on my bed and closed my eyes and imagined i was floating away - high up into the blood red sky.

No wonder no one wants to come out with me, I am a terrible, selfish, ugly, fat, worthless human being.

What good do i do to anyone?!
there is nothing i can do right!!
I am not good enough for anyone, let alone myself.
I am a disappointment - people dont realise it yet, cos i am not 100% honest with them.
I dont want them to see me failing, even though i am.
I dont want them to know i cut myself jus to see how much i bleed!
I sometimes wish i had the guts to die. But do i really want to? or is everything just so bad at the point and i am such a f*cking drama queen that i cant handle it all??!!

I take things too personally, i cry and scream. I panic at everything. I am a coward who runs away from my problems, until they get so big that even though i am running they are always around me.
I ran away to the other side of the world, and my problems were right here waiting for me
I wonder if when i go home, they wil stay behind? Not wonder, hope!

Sleep - i need sleep. Tramadol shall help tonight! Valium is what i wish i had. Sleep is what i need!

Disappointment that is me

I feel like this big disappointment, all i keep doing is letting people down.
It used to be that no one knew i was disappointing them, so it was easier to forget about it, but now you know everything and it makes me feel guilty for being such a big disappointment.

I do want to get better - and be totally 100% free of this. But right now i am so normal (to everyone else) that i sometimes start to fool myself and i start believing my own act that maybe I am normal, maybe Im already recovered. But then you remind me that Im not recovered and that i need help cos I still have the mind of a mentally ill person.

Its hard, cos i feel as though i have already come so far, I have come to London, I have survived the 2 years away when i thought i wouldnt. I am eating, I am going out with friends. 2 years ago, I wasnt eating anything but salad, I was rarley going out and although i sitll hate my body, the way i look and my weight, im doing my best to ignore those feelings and just get on with travelling and enjoying the last few months i have left here before i have to go home and face the reality and the depth of evrything inside my head

And no maybe i cant see that its NOT all about the numbers, and i feel guilty and stupid and childish for not being able to realise so much and think rationally. I try really hard to see your point and deep down i kno you are right but its so hard cos I hear something totally different being said inside my head. And its hard to not believe yourself - even if you are wrong!

Im sorry that I keep doing this, Im sorry

Sex

Ive come to think that there is something actually wrong with me now when it comes to guys.
On the tour we went on, I was one of the only ones who didnt hook up with someone.
It makes me think, am i ever gonna be able to meet someone and feel like i want to sleep with them, cos i have no desire to have sex, i dont care.
I dont feel it is anything important but then i wonder am i missing anything, is there something wrong with me cos i feel that way towards it, or is it jus cos of what ive been through?
and then i wonder when will be ready to be intimate - what if i never want that - with anyone?
Is sex really that important ? do i really need it?
Why am i so affraid of this and feel so screwed up about this, its probably normal considering what ive been through... but how long is it going to last?
I used to be so carefree and fun when it comes to guys - i never really enjoyed sex, im not sure why, ive always felt like ive had to do it for the guy rather than myself, ever since my first time... but i dunno why.
And now i just hate it so much
I wonder if its obvious to guys that i havent had sex in over 3 years - well longer, considering the last time a guy touched me it was to hurt!
I am so embarrased that i am like this, and i wish like anything i could be normal when it comes to sex.

Dublin and My Mate!

So last week my friend was here to stay, she also has anorexia and is 18 - and we went to Dublin for the week. Had an amazing 4 days of drinking and drinking to celebrate st patricks day. Was defo good fun
But on the 2nd night, Tuesday night we had a fight.... cos i was ready to go and ***** wasnt, but she had already said i couldnt leave her, so wasnt sure what to do, the bar was too crowded and i was too drunk... and just wasnt having fun. Anyway, she felt guilty cos i was making her leave (i think) or more cos she wasnt strong enough to stay on her own i guess.
I dunno it was a drunken arguement.

But then when we came back home, on the Thursday she asked me if i was angry at her, she said i come across like im angry or moody cos all her friends are hyper and jump on her to wake her up and turn things into a joke, whereas i dont. I jus sorta do things as they are, ive never been that hyper person, dad always used to say that was annoying!

It was kinda hard having her here, cos i felt like i had to be alert and watching out for her all the time, and felt bad for getting drunk cos i wasnt watching out for her, i had her mum and dad both talk to me before we left to make sure i took care of her and let nothing bad happen. so i was always trying to take care of her, but im not used to taking care of someone like i had to do with her, pack her bag, tell her how to make tea, wash her dishes etc.... it was very different and i dont feel angry at her for any of it, it was jus hard work for me, cos instead of me just having to take care of myself, there was someone else too.....

I kinda realise how my sister feels when im down there.... cos *****  wont eat butter and didnt want me to cook something she would rather have something pre made etc,..... i am like that too, but when someone else is trying to do stuff for you it makes it so hard.

I think we are jus really different cos of our ages and how we were brought up and although it comes across as i dont care about my friends, i do but i protect myself too. I would do anything for my friends!!

Tired and Grumpy

Isnt it funny how when you are so tired everything just seems so much worse than it actually is
I am tired from working all weekend and feel fat and disgusting and realise i am only getting fatter and fatter :(

I am over it all!

Cut

I cut last night - for the first time this year
I was so drunk and felt so alone and think thats the only reason i did it
And now i feel pathetic!
And it hurts and its on my wrist so its gonna be hard to hide!! grrrr
SUCH AN IDIOT!

Karma's a B****

so the girl who i have been fighting with recently got caught driving under the influence (of alcohol) on the weekend and has to go to court and will more than likey lose her license -

If thats not Karma - Then i dont know what is...

Shalz and the Facebook comment

Soooo... after the fight the other week and her saying she was done etc, i was leaving her alone and done with it all, then my status on facebook said that

"Just ruined all the hard work from my netball game with a slice of pizza"

Shalz knowing full well about my eating disorder and how i feel and that not many people know
she commented saying

"yeah your too skinny anyways"

So i was kinda hurt -

1) cos she said she was done with me then comments like that and

2) no one else who knows how much i struggle ever comments on my weight publicly like that so how was i supposed to take it?

ANYWAY - i mailed her asking why she commented that when she said she was done and we ended up having another arguement cos i took it the wrong way...

and i ended up appologising cos i have an eating disorder and taking it the wrong way - did she appologise for saying it NO!

She just sees it as me creating drama - even though i wasnt trying too i was confused and upset that she had said that!

But yeah thats that fight explained.

Oh and thats when she deleted me as a friend off facebook too!

Shalz AGAIN

So my best friend spoke to Shalz over the weekend about the whole fight and said she

shalz told her side of the story and she can see valid points from her point of view although maybe the mehods she used weren't the most productive

she def doesn't hate me or anything at all thats for sure and wasn't nasty about it either.
Just was feeling a little fed up I guess and we clashed so it all came to a head. . .

she said that she just would like a little space coz sometimes things are a little intense when they sometime they needn't be

I guess im still a little confused as to what its all about -

is it about the fight back in jan?

Or is about the fact that I was upset cos she commented on my weight?

or is it cos i take things too personally ?

So guess i just have to wait and see what happends, but i just hope that she realises - im not gonna sit around and wait for her to be ready to talk to me again - thats not fair on me!

i need to know who my true friends are and clearly she isnt one of them

Im still upset about it - but am giving her the space she wants
(which is what i was doing before she commented on my status)

I dunno - guess it jus sucks to lose another friend.

I hate February

So last night I went to my friends place for some drinks, and i have been feeling really messed up latley so i knew i shouldnt drink and sure enough - drinking made all the feelings inside me come up and out 10x worse than i thought they were

It started when everyone was laughing and i didnt know what they were laughing at, so i automatically assumed they were laughing at me.
Then when we were outside having a ciggy, this girl was going on about how she didnt want to people think she was a snob at her college, cos of the way she talked -
I said to george "seriously - is that the worst thing in her life"
which then made me think and want to say how screwed up i felt, but i tried not too cos i didnt want to ruin Georginas night, but it happened anyway - she kept asking me was i ok, then i jus burst into tears, saying that i hated the way i was right now, and i miss home and wanted things to be diff
Then Georgie started cooking and i wanted to eat but felt like i couldnt in front of all those people!!
I ended up going home cos i was too drunk, too quickly!

When i got home, all i wanted to do was eat everything! i was so hungry and really wanted to eat so much, cos i knew i could purge easily cos i was drunk. and then i got upset cos i didnt want too but i did want too

Anyways i ended up drinking some water and crashing out in bed bout 1am!!

xx

FAULTS

So i sent out an email to all my close friends asking what they thought my faults were
here are some replies...

Teresa said:

I don't really think you have any faults.... one thing I do notice though is that Christie isn't really a good influence on you. You know as well as I do that I love Christie, but she is very dramatic and has a way of getting you to do things that you probably wouldn't do if she didn't sort of coerce you into doing it.
When you weren't friends with her you were a very different person to how you are when you are friends with her. Like you're not a bad person but you tend to get dragged into her melodramatic life a bit too much. I know that it's because you care about her, but she sort of just gets you to do things that aren't really you - or maybe that you wouldn't do if it was just me and you hanging out, or you and Kylie or something??
I don't really like Shelz, and I think that's because she's sort of in your face and the same kinda thing, she likes you to do what she wants.
YOU need to be a leader, you are a very strong person - whether you believe that or not.

You are a really good person and I wouldn't change anything about you! You love and care about all your friends and your family and you are always willing to put others needs ahead of your own. You just need to love yourself a little bit more than you do! You're a wonderful person and anyone who has you in their life is lucky to have you!!!! Don't let anyone ever tell you any different, and if they try to tell them to take it up with me coz I'm gonna knock their block off :)

Haley said:

basically that im too nice and trusting and let people walk all over me, i need to stand up for myself

Shalz said:

I found this email in my junk folder. What you need to stop doing is what you're doing below. Just need to chill out and relax and not take everything so seriously and just give people space and time to get back to you themselves. You just get pretty full on sometimes and you take things so freaking personally. It's a real big put off. I mean honestly I feel like im in a relationship with you and you've turned into the annoying girlfriend that I want to break up with. You asked for honesty so I'm giving it to you.

Basically, I never have any dramas with any of my other chick mates, if I say what I want it's sweet coz everyone understands you have to do things for yourself and its no big deal and it's the same vice versa with them. Because we are all grown ups now and not in high school anymore.

I'm sorry to say it but now I even understand how Christie used to feel and would be scared of telling you the truth coz of how you would react coz she didn't want to do something that you did. So yeah take what you want from this but I just don't need anymore drama in my life. Things are finally going right for me and I'm making decisions and doing things for myself and finally learning to say no and I just don't need any extra stress.