Attachment

My oracle card for tonight:

 

ATTACHMENT

You believe you are in a situation that you cannot fee yourself from; afraid to let go and walk away because of a deep sense of duty, commitment or guilt. Perhaps you feel that you’ll hurt of disappoint someone if you let go. Whatever the reason, you feel you have no choice but to stay where you are. The emotional attachment is great and the fear is overwhelming.the fact that you have picked this card today is no coincidence. the message is clear, You are being encouraged to face your fears. do not listen to that fearful voice any longer. Beyond the fear is a space of love and light which is guiding you and urging you to break free. Trust; initially there will be some upheaval but eventually all will turn out well for all concerned. You owe it to yourself and others. You deserve to feel light and free. Summon the power of love within you and ask it to guide you and give you the strength to do what you know is right

24 years on...

So today is my 24th birthday. I've had a relatviely nice weekend, i went out for dinner with friends last night and today had lunch with my dad and brother and then dinner with my mum, spent the afternoon with my friend and god daughter and then had my nails done.
Of course there isn't always sunshine without a little rain.Or in my case, A LOT of rain.
Last night my cousin/best friend/flat mate decided she would get wasted before dinner and then couldn't eat and made an embarrassment in front of my friends, she then left without saying goodbye, I didn't hear from her all today and she still hasn't bothered to say happy birthday to me.
At lunch today my dad tells me I have gained some weight, he obviously doesn't realize the implications of this on my thoughts and how much I HATE my body right now so this just makes me feel even worse.
And then again, mum's husband (my step dad) tells me (said in a sarcastic tone) "oh yeah, cos you are so fat and all"
At dinner tonight, they try to take photo's of me with food and i freak out - and tell them NOT TO DO IT, and they laugh and say that would be impossible then (implying I always have food in my mouth)

I never quite know how to respond, in some ways I think sometimes I encourage them to say something like this cos I know it triggers my eating disorder thoughts and sets me off on the weight loss slope. I say I am so full or I have eaten so much cake. I try so hard to just be normal and say normal things but then get comments back like that and end up feeling worse.
Things feel so much easier when I'm skinny and losing weight, things feel better, I feel more normal in my myself and feel ok when I am losing weight. I don't want to be THAT girl that eats all the cake, or the one who they say "she used to be so skinny, but now"

I WANT TO BE THIN
I WANT TO BE SKINNY
I WANT TO BE NORMAL

I am lying in bed trying to fight off the thoughts about wanting to self harm
cos my best friend is so selfish and wanted to put herself first instead of being a friend to me, I want to cut so badly cos I feel like I deserve to cut cos if i was a better friend then maybe she would have wanted to hang out with me last night, if I was normal and skinny maybe she would have stayed or said happy birthday.
I want to cut cos I am fat, 2 people have confirmed that already today, it doesn't matter if they say it in a jokingly way cos on some level they must have thought it to be true to even joke about it. I am fat so therefore I deserve to cut.
I want to cut cos I am thinking about all the food I have eaten today and feel so incredibly guilty, like I am letting myself down by putting all that food into me. I am letting myself be disgusting so I deserve to  cut.
I feel like i need to cut cos it will help me feel better :/
It's my birthday so I can do whatever I want to make me feel better right????

I don't want to die, but I want to feel something, I want to feel pain, I want to see pain, I want to cause pain and be in pain but I don't want to die.

Not going according to plan - nothing ever goes according to plan!!

Impulsiveness to blog much

It's a funny feeling to have, that impostor in your head sort of feeling. It's like you want to shake your head to empty it out but you can't cos you realize that is the problem. You already feel so empty you are so desperate to fill it with something so although the impostor feels like an alien it also feels so right and so normal in a crazy sort of way.

I feel empty. I feel like I am missing some important ingredient in my life, there is something that I have been missing for a while and I don't really know what it is. Yet there is so much going on in my head but I cannot put any of it into words. I don't really know how to describe anything. I don't know what it is or where it came from or what you can do to help or how to banish it. It is just IT

How do you know what a feeling is? How do you decide that the feeling you are having at that very moment is in fact that feeling - how do you know that that feeling is sadness or anger. I mean aside from the fuming. blood rising, hair pulling anger feeling how would know.
What is the feeling when your chest is tight and you feel like you are sinking? The feeling like you are drowning cos there is too much air and too much open space in your head. The feeling like although you are drowning in nothingness you are also floating in life. Floating along moving from one minute to the next to the next hour to the next day and then you decide this isn't worth anything and that's it.

It's like an impulse I get, to hurt myself. I don't really want to do it but the impostor inside me tells me to do it and do it quick and I don't NOT listen to it - don't ask me why. I want to hurt myself, cos that's what i NEED to do, want to do, have to do to keep the impostor at bay or quiet; I'm not really sure.

I don't really want to die. I don't think.
I don't really know what I want. It's a feeling like I SHOULD die. Like I need to do it.
But I don't really want to do it, cos I am scared of missing out, I am scared of being that disappointment to everyone but then I already feel like the disappointment so wouldn't death be an escape from that feeling???

I'm not going to kill myself. I won't try again unless I really have to and right now I don't think I do.

I need to make a plan to get myself out of this hole. Cos this hole is becoming a tunnel and I can barely see the light!!!

The description of that night (as told in therapy today)

This is a summary of my "emergency" therapy session today with Melodie. Apparantely we will be talking more on Friday about this. I find it really hard to remember how I was feeling at certain times. I can barely remember how I feel in the NOW so to try and ask me how i was feeling almost a week ago! GOOD LUCK TO YOU! 


Tell me about Friday?? Well after work I went down to the viaduct and had some wines with my work colleague Katrina, everything was going well and then I had a panic attack cos there was so many people around. We went to a few other bars, it was kind of weird hanging out with her, like I knew she didn't really want to be there - with me I mean. I got drunk to start with but then sobered up relatively after the panic attack and after she started to get really drunk. 


How much would you say you had to drink? Over the course of the night - say a bottle of wine - this is from 2pm till about 8pm. I wouldn't say I was drunk, I mean i knew I had had some alcohol but I was VERY aware of what was going on around me. I wasn't going to let myself get that drunk cos there were so many people around, I couldn't let myself get that drunk.


So how were you feeling while you were out? Aside from the panic attack, I guess I felt pretty lonely, I couldn't get a hold of my friends and I started to think that none of them wanted to hang out with me. I felt like a small rabbit lost inside a maze of people. 


So what happened after being at the bar? Well at one point I had just had enough, so mum came and picked me up and drove me home 
Is that when the suicidal thoughts happened? No, throughout the night I had tried to enjoy myself and just be happy and normal, on the drive home I hadn't considered killing myself at all.


So what changed? I'm not really sure. I got home and I got changed and I sat on my bed and I started to think about work - and how I wasn't meeting my KPI's, not bringing in the right candidates and enough candidates. I started thinking about the night, how no one wanted to hang out with me, no one wanted to see me. I started thinking about how I always ended up alone no matter what was happening and then I seen the panadol just sitting there. I didn't really think. I just made a quick decision and decided everything would be better if I wasn't here. Everything seemed to make sense with me erased from the picture. I took out 70 panadol from the packet and within about 2 minutes had swallowed them all. 


And how did you feel straight after you had taken them?  Relief. I thought maybe this is it. maybe I am meant to die now. Everything happens for a reason right, maybe this is one of those sort of moments. 
And then I started to feel sick and nauseous and then my friend from Australia happened to skype me. And i told her what i had done and she made me promise to go and throw the pills up and go have a shower and to take care. I hung up and went and vomited everywhere, and then i think i passed out - it can't have been for long cos i woke up shaky and my heart racing and my head pounding outside of my skull and i paniked, i got scared and realised how alone and scared i was so i txt my cousin. I don't know how long it was until she came over but she came and found me barely breathing on the bathroom floor and called the ambulance. 


What to do you remember after that? I remember being in the ambulance, kind of. It feels like a bad dream. I remember asking someone (I'm not sure who it was) if they could let me die and then told them i was sorry for wasting their time. I don't remember being in ED. I remember feeling embarrassed. I remember feeling alone and scared and ashamed. Here I am this almost 24 year old girl who tried to kill herself by overdosing - how pathetic must I be. I can't even do one thing properly.

OK

OK:  an adjective, adverb, noun or plural in simple terms meaning alright as in things are satisfactory or under control, adequate but unexceptional, tolerable yet unremarkable. Well enough,  good enough, just enough. An approval, agreement or endorsement. OK

why I hate living here

I remember why i hate staying here now.
It's him, it's everyone.

This is not my home, this is not my house. I am a guest and I feel unwanted.

my friend Liz is coming over, so I wanted to ask him first if it was ok and if she could stay for dinner. He said yes but wish he had have known sooner cos doesn't know if there is enough food. 

I have been lying on the couch all day and he says to me tonight - "you've taken over down there girl"
I thought it was cos i asked him to change it to channel 2 and so i said  "oh sorry, you can change it back"
He then said "no it's ok but my girls are upstairs"

So therefore me being here is a problem. I am scaring his girls into hiding upstairs, I'm inviting my friends over when it's not my house.

I don't want to be somewhere I am not wanted!!

Attention Seeking?

I'm not doing this for attention, I don't want you to look at me with that sad look on your face.
I don't know what I did it, I made a quick decision which at the time I was convinced was the right thing to do.
I did overdose to die, I had had enough. I felt alone and confused and scared of what I was thinking but I didn't think too much, I didn't take the time to really think about it. I got the idea stuck in my head that dieing WAS the ONLY thing I should do.

I feel worthless and like a waste of space every day. I put on a smile so that I don't worry people but Friday it all just got too much. I wanted everything to stop

I still don't know what I am thinking. I feel lost. Like I want to die but I don't want to kill myself. I don't want that put on me. I don't want to be blamed for feeling sad.
I don't want this to be my fault.

Is it my fault? Did I do this to myself? Am I doing this for attention?

How do I know if I am doing this for attention? I don't think that I am, maybe Jordan is right?
I don't want attention - I want to be normal. I keep trying to be better but not getting any where.
I'm gaining weight but not gaining life. How is that getting better?

I don't know what to think right now but it doesn't help that the people closest to me to be angry and annoyed with me!!!

I just want to be normal and OK but sometimes it's so hard!!!