Tuesday, 28 June 2011
Fighting
The more I try and fight ana and this stupid eating disorder the more I feel like I am losing something apart of me, and the more I feel the need to be in control.
It's like 1 part of me wants to fight and get better but the other part of me just won't let me. How do I fight when there is that part of me SCREAMING at me to do the opposite!
I feel scared - I'm not sure of what.
- Change - what if i change and I hate myself even more. What if people don't like me, what if i change then fall apart and am worse
-Being fat - enough said
-scared of losing my eating disorder, my identity, my safety, my friend, my life
I made a food plan tonight..
It's like 1 part of me wants to fight and get better but the other part of me just won't let me. How do I fight when there is that part of me SCREAMING at me to do the opposite!
I feel scared - I'm not sure of what.
- Change - what if i change and I hate myself even more. What if people don't like me, what if i change then fall apart and am worse
-Being fat - enough said
-scared of losing my eating disorder, my identity, my safety, my friend, my life
I made a food plan tonight..
the last few days - since Sunday all i have been doing is eating - everything and anything. Not in public but in my house, sweets, crisps, chocolate, chicken, salad..... all sorts.
I have disgusted myself so I am going to come up with a plan to detox....
I need to have a plan without a plan I eat lots and when i eat lots I want to purge and cut
But I don't want to cut so I need to have a plan.
I'm going to have an egg white for breakfast (50)
I'm going to have an apple (80) & a yoghurt (80) for lunch
Or I will have sushi (50 per each sushi)
I'm not giving up my coffee (100)
For dinner I will stick to steamed vegies or salad (200) or sushi (4 pieces = 200 cals)
500 calories max
It sounds like a lot ...
Coffee is far too high in Calories :/ damn soy milk!!
Maybe I will have 1 coffee per day and tea, sometimes i can drink 3 coffee's in a day (300 calories right there!!)
I need to stop on the wine - although wine helps me relax and forget about food and just remind me to be normal.
Maybe I will see how i go with the wine.
Plan
I need a plan, I need this. I need you ana. Please don't leave me - I love you and I will do better .... I will be perfect and I will be thin.
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
Auckland Eating Disorders Services
So yesterday I had an appointment with a doctor at the auckland eating disorders association...
he weighed me, took blood pressure and asked me a million questions about my eating...
I tried to be honest - it was hard. I felt like i wasnt skinny enough, sick enough to be there.
There was a skinny girl in the waiting room and i felt so silly being there. SO fat
I have to have an ECG tomorrow as I have a heart murmur.
But he said apart from the blood test and ECG he is ok with the support i am getting, he said there won't be need for more appointments.
I kinda felt even fatter and sillier.
Like I'm not good enough/thin enough/sick enough for real help.
He said that he thinks if i continue with seeing maree and melodie and slowly work on other things (self harming and the rape) that the ed will just get better itself. That to me sounds really odd. I don't know if that's possible. How will the ED thoughts/behaviors/patterns just go away. they have never gone away - the times when i have been going well and eating ok - i have still had all the thoughts and behaviors so how will the ED get better on its own!?!?!
When will I be thin?
he weighed me, took blood pressure and asked me a million questions about my eating...
I tried to be honest - it was hard. I felt like i wasnt skinny enough, sick enough to be there.
There was a skinny girl in the waiting room and i felt so silly being there. SO fat
I have to have an ECG tomorrow as I have a heart murmur.
But he said apart from the blood test and ECG he is ok with the support i am getting, he said there won't be need for more appointments.
I kinda felt even fatter and sillier.
Like I'm not good enough/thin enough/sick enough for real help.
He said that he thinks if i continue with seeing maree and melodie and slowly work on other things (self harming and the rape) that the ed will just get better itself. That to me sounds really odd. I don't know if that's possible. How will the ED thoughts/behaviors/patterns just go away. they have never gone away - the times when i have been going well and eating ok - i have still had all the thoughts and behaviors so how will the ED get better on its own!?!?!
When will I be thin?
Sunday, 19 June 2011
His name is Gus
so last night at my friends flat warming (my best friend that is) her ex boyfriend from years ago was there cos they have recently become friends again.
When they were together I was attracted to him but NEVER once admitted it to ANYONE!!
I got over it cos they were together and i told myself that it was so wrong and that it could never happen
Last night Gus & I were talking and he admitted to me that he was/is attracted to me and always has been but never knew what to do with that feeling.
My friend told him that he was to stay away from me cos i am her best friend and she told me that nothing could ever happen between me and him cos its too weird for her.
She told me she can see that spark of something between us but its not right.
My cousin then went and reminded my friend that what she has told us is VERY hypocritical as she has done the exact same thing with the guy she is dating (long story but basically she dumped her bf of 2 1/2 years and is now dating a guy in the same circle of friends)
so after the conversation between my cousin and my friend my friend then told me that if i want to date Gus I can cos who is she to stand in the way of something that has the potential to be amazing.
Back track to an earlier conversation - this keeps playing on my mind -
Gus and I were chatting (this is before he admitted he has feelings for me) we were talking about his and my friends relationship and he said that I WAS THE BIGGEST PROBLEM
I was always around, i was always there and that's it.
They started dating towards the end of 2006, right when my parents separated and then I was raped and yes I admit I leaned on my friends A LOT at that point and my friend was my main friend but I never realized i was the biggest problem for them
So here I am now - not knowing what to do, what will happen next and if anything will happen.
I don't know what to do about the whole situation - it feels like a mess but I like this guy and for me to like someone and actually feel comfortable with a guy is a very very rare thing... which is why I am hoping he does call and it does all work out for the best?!
He has my number - so I guess the ball is in his court.
When they were together I was attracted to him but NEVER once admitted it to ANYONE!!
I got over it cos they were together and i told myself that it was so wrong and that it could never happen
Last night Gus & I were talking and he admitted to me that he was/is attracted to me and always has been but never knew what to do with that feeling.
My friend told him that he was to stay away from me cos i am her best friend and she told me that nothing could ever happen between me and him cos its too weird for her.
She told me she can see that spark of something between us but its not right.
My cousin then went and reminded my friend that what she has told us is VERY hypocritical as she has done the exact same thing with the guy she is dating (long story but basically she dumped her bf of 2 1/2 years and is now dating a guy in the same circle of friends)
so after the conversation between my cousin and my friend my friend then told me that if i want to date Gus I can cos who is she to stand in the way of something that has the potential to be amazing.
Back track to an earlier conversation - this keeps playing on my mind -
Gus and I were chatting (this is before he admitted he has feelings for me) we were talking about his and my friends relationship and he said that I WAS THE BIGGEST PROBLEM
I was always around, i was always there and that's it.
They started dating towards the end of 2006, right when my parents separated and then I was raped and yes I admit I leaned on my friends A LOT at that point and my friend was my main friend but I never realized i was the biggest problem for them
So here I am now - not knowing what to do, what will happen next and if anything will happen.
I don't know what to do about the whole situation - it feels like a mess but I like this guy and for me to like someone and actually feel comfortable with a guy is a very very rare thing... which is why I am hoping he does call and it does all work out for the best?!
He has my number - so I guess the ball is in his court.
Saturday, 18 June 2011
Sunday, 12 June 2011
A Cutters Lullaby
I didn't write this - but seen it and feel in love with it ....
Go to sleep and close your eyes,
And dream of broken butterflies
That tore their wings against a thorn.
You know the pain that they have endured
Silver metal shine so bright
Scarlet blood that feels so right.
Dream of that blood trickling down,
And wake up just before you drown.
The moonlight shining off your tears
As you bleed out your worst fears.
So tonight when you start to cry
Whisper the cutter's lullaby:
Hushabye baby, you’re almost dead
You don’t have a pulse and your pillow is red.
Your family hates you
Your friends let you bleed
Sleep tight with a knife,
Cause its all that you need.
Rockabye baby, Broken and scarred,
You didn’t know life would be this hard.
Time to end the pain you hid so well
And down you’ll come baby,
Straight back to hell.
Go to sleep and close your eyes,
And dream of broken butterflies
That tore their wings against a thorn.
You know the pain that they have endured
Silver metal shine so bright
Scarlet blood that feels so right.
Dream of that blood trickling down,
And wake up just before you drown.
The moonlight shining off your tears
As you bleed out your worst fears.
So tonight when you start to cry
Whisper the cutter's lullaby:
Hushabye baby, you’re almost dead
You don’t have a pulse and your pillow is red.
Your family hates you
Your friends let you bleed
Sleep tight with a knife,
Cause its all that you need.
Rockabye baby, Broken and scarred,
You didn’t know life would be this hard.
Time to end the pain you hid so well
And down you’ll come baby,
Straight back to hell.
Saturday, 11 June 2011
bullimic mind
I hate when you think F YOU ANA and eat some food cos your body is so malnourished that you are eating barely anything but not losing weight cos your metabolisim is so broken anything that goes into your body is being stored in case of more fasting days.... so you think its time to boost this metabolisim thing and eat some dinner - Prawns done in garlic and some salad and as you sit down to this massive plate of food you think how much food this really is - it looks so big, the plate is full and its the size of a dinner plate - how on earth can i possibly eat this? where do i even start? what do i eat first? in what order does any person eat?
And then i think - screw the order stop asking myself all the questions, stop avoiding the food and just eat.
So fork full after forkful i eat the prawns, i pick at the salad and eat some carrot and some feta and feel full, or is it fullness that I'm feeling, I'm definatley feeling fat, is that what full feels like? FAT
I wasn't feeling hungry to start with so how do i know if i'm feeling full? What does full mean?
So after deciding that I have eaten enough to prove that I am not anorexic I sit there and watch as my belly starts to expand - i go and stand in front of the mirror and lift up my sweatshirt to show a round bloated tummy which is now making all sorts of noises.
I decide that the noises are noises of discomfort and that the food is disagreeing with me. Maybe i ate too much and thats why i'm not making noises. Maybe the food doesnt want to be in my tummy as much as i dont want it there either and then that little voice pipes up and suggests "i get rid of it"
As i stand and watch my tummy expand and grumble i convince myself that i have made the wrong decision with eating dinner and have eaten FAR too much for my body and I do indeed head off to the little room that houses my toilet.
I haven't purged for a while so it takes a few goes of sticking my 2 fingers down my throat to bring the food back up. It always starts this way; the first time in a while it takes a couple of tries but the more i do it, the less i need to try. In my head this means that the more i eat the less the food likes me and the more I purge.
Note to self: purging garlic is not good.
After about 10 minutes of purging - head throbbing, nose aching (yes i always get food stuck in my nose when i purge) my throat is feeling very raw and my tummy is sore. I am done.
There is still remnants of my dinner in my tummy but I am rather empty - still bloated and fat but i can work on that in the morning.
Goodbye Anorexia - Hello Bullimia?
I seriously hope NOT - i hate this part of the cycle- Bulimia is definitely NOT my friend like ana is - Mia hurts me and makes me really unhappy. I don't want you here Mia, can ana come back now please!!!
And then i think - screw the order stop asking myself all the questions, stop avoiding the food and just eat.
So fork full after forkful i eat the prawns, i pick at the salad and eat some carrot and some feta and feel full, or is it fullness that I'm feeling, I'm definatley feeling fat, is that what full feels like? FAT
I wasn't feeling hungry to start with so how do i know if i'm feeling full? What does full mean?
So after deciding that I have eaten enough to prove that I am not anorexic I sit there and watch as my belly starts to expand - i go and stand in front of the mirror and lift up my sweatshirt to show a round bloated tummy which is now making all sorts of noises.
I decide that the noises are noises of discomfort and that the food is disagreeing with me. Maybe i ate too much and thats why i'm not making noises. Maybe the food doesnt want to be in my tummy as much as i dont want it there either and then that little voice pipes up and suggests "i get rid of it"
As i stand and watch my tummy expand and grumble i convince myself that i have made the wrong decision with eating dinner and have eaten FAR too much for my body and I do indeed head off to the little room that houses my toilet.
I haven't purged for a while so it takes a few goes of sticking my 2 fingers down my throat to bring the food back up. It always starts this way; the first time in a while it takes a couple of tries but the more i do it, the less i need to try. In my head this means that the more i eat the less the food likes me and the more I purge.
Note to self: purging garlic is not good.
After about 10 minutes of purging - head throbbing, nose aching (yes i always get food stuck in my nose when i purge) my throat is feeling very raw and my tummy is sore. I am done.
There is still remnants of my dinner in my tummy but I am rather empty - still bloated and fat but i can work on that in the morning.
Goodbye Anorexia - Hello Bullimia?
I seriously hope NOT - i hate this part of the cycle- Bulimia is definitely NOT my friend like ana is - Mia hurts me and makes me really unhappy. I don't want you here Mia, can ana come back now please!!!
Mindfulness
So what i am learning with my psychologist is the art of mindfulness and this is to help focus on one thing and not let your mind be distracted by outside things.
Its hard work, my mind wanders constantly and it takes a great effort to actually keep it focused on one thing and truly focus on that one thing
I sit here and i try to focus on purely typing this blog but then i look at my phone and wonder what the time is and then start thinking maybe i should get moving and go shower and then suddenly realize my mind has wandered and bring it back to the blogging. Hard work i tell ya.
I am going to try and do it with simple things and just enjoy the moment of what i am doing.
Drinking tea, i am going to focus on my tea and how it tastes and just focus on that for at least 5 minutes - i think if i start off small i may be more likely and able to follow through.
And for me when i can't do it or i lose interest of focus or reasoning i suddenly think its cos i am a useless person and no wonder i can't do it - I have to do things perfect EVERY time otherwise i feel like i failure.
so this "mindfulness" task that I am to practice could prove to be interesting and possibly detrimental to my health :/
Its hard work, my mind wanders constantly and it takes a great effort to actually keep it focused on one thing and truly focus on that one thing
I sit here and i try to focus on purely typing this blog but then i look at my phone and wonder what the time is and then start thinking maybe i should get moving and go shower and then suddenly realize my mind has wandered and bring it back to the blogging. Hard work i tell ya.
I am going to try and do it with simple things and just enjoy the moment of what i am doing.
Drinking tea, i am going to focus on my tea and how it tastes and just focus on that for at least 5 minutes - i think if i start off small i may be more likely and able to follow through.
And for me when i can't do it or i lose interest of focus or reasoning i suddenly think its cos i am a useless person and no wonder i can't do it - I have to do things perfect EVERY time otherwise i feel like i failure.
so this "mindfulness" task that I am to practice could prove to be interesting and possibly detrimental to my health :/
Monday, 6 June 2011
Stats June
Stats
06/06/11
Measured in Inches!
Thigh: 17.5
Upper arm: 9
Hips: 30.5
Waist: 25
Bust: 34
Height: 170cm (5’7)
Weight: 110lbs
A long weekend
This weekend has been long and hard.
Friday I drank and then came home and felt crap
Saturday I ate food and felt crap then played squash - didnt eat dinner, drank and then got too drunk and ended up comering at mums place
Sunday i ate more food, went to dads for lunch and ate chocolate and roast (not potatoes though)
Sunday night - even though I was full, i ate fish and chips and felt MORE fat, i drank wine and tried to pretend like i was ok.
Monday I woke up fat again. Ate lunch - and had some sweets, baked muffins and am now sitting in bed, bloated and fat and hating myself.
Why do I have to be so fat?!
What do i need to do to kick start my metabolisim and lose some weight....
Tonight i will be making a plan!
I am done being fat!
Friday I drank and then came home and felt crap
Saturday I ate food and felt crap then played squash - didnt eat dinner, drank and then got too drunk and ended up comering at mums place
Sunday i ate more food, went to dads for lunch and ate chocolate and roast (not potatoes though)
Sunday night - even though I was full, i ate fish and chips and felt MORE fat, i drank wine and tried to pretend like i was ok.
Monday I woke up fat again. Ate lunch - and had some sweets, baked muffins and am now sitting in bed, bloated and fat and hating myself.
Why do I have to be so fat?!
What do i need to do to kick start my metabolisim and lose some weight....
Tonight i will be making a plan!
I am done being fat!
Thursday, 2 June 2011
2faces
I feel like I am living a double life. There is the Amy that is the temp consultant- the one who goes to work, gets on and does a good job- gets a temp order, fills a temp order, calls candidates and talks to them telling them about work, doing accounts, references, ordering stock, stationary and keeping the place tidy. I smile and I say - yes i am coping.
I love my job
Then there is the other Amy - the one who's thoughts are dark and confusing. I sit alone when i get home and i feel sad that I am alone, that i feel unloved and fat. I wonder how long it will take for something to go wrong at work and them to realise i am actually a fraud and that i am probably not worthy of anything.
I don't cry much any more. I don't feel much any more. I feel empty - physically and emotionally.
I am getting up, going to work, being the working person, coming home and going to bed. Some nights I play squash some nights i see my friends but mostly I stay at home alone, wondering if this is what my life is going to be like.
I just feel like i am on the edge of a pointed triangle, some days i am sliding down the happy, coping side and i feel positive and good and other days i feel like my world is coming to an end. I tell myself to harden up and push through it and the only reason for that is my job. i want to do a good job and be a good temp consultant!
Sometimes I am just so exhausted I want to give up and sleep forever but i know i can't do that......
I love my job
Then there is the other Amy - the one who's thoughts are dark and confusing. I sit alone when i get home and i feel sad that I am alone, that i feel unloved and fat. I wonder how long it will take for something to go wrong at work and them to realise i am actually a fraud and that i am probably not worthy of anything.
I don't cry much any more. I don't feel much any more. I feel empty - physically and emotionally.
I am getting up, going to work, being the working person, coming home and going to bed. Some nights I play squash some nights i see my friends but mostly I stay at home alone, wondering if this is what my life is going to be like.
I just feel like i am on the edge of a pointed triangle, some days i am sliding down the happy, coping side and i feel positive and good and other days i feel like my world is coming to an end. I tell myself to harden up and push through it and the only reason for that is my job. i want to do a good job and be a good temp consultant!
Sometimes I am just so exhausted I want to give up and sleep forever but i know i can't do that......
Thirsty Thursday!
So this week has been a bit of a blur for me.
WORK: I'm now working as a temp consultant and I am so busy but I'm also feeling positive - nothing has gone wrong yet, although i have that feeling of dread and worried that i am missing something huge and everything will fall apart!
I am loving it though - it so busy and i love the fast paced environment
I had a catch up with Maree (my ED lady who i used to see) we had a good chat and she wants to see me once a week for lunch - next week we are going to try and eat some lunch - sushi or something. I'm super nervous cos i hate eating in front of someone who i hardly know. It takes me aaaages to eat and i feel i dunno - just like i CANNOT do it!
We talked about my biggest fear - which is gaining weight and also that I am kinda annoyed at myself cos i have too much control in the fact that, i can hold down my job and keep on my feet and i convince myself that i'm ok. In some ways it would be easier for me to just fall apart - crash and hit rock bottom then i would be forced to change. Now I dont have any reason to change cos I'm not losing out on anything, i am working and playing squash so there can't be anything wrong. She said that my psychologist obv has a lot of work to do!! LOL
I have my appointment with the psychologist tomoro and she is going to weigh me :/
I really dont want that to happen. I have been eating and i feel as though i have gained ALOT of weight and i dont want to be weighed and find out that i am fatter than i think! :(
I have also been referred to a dietician
I feel positive but i am also teriffied of gaining weight and feel fat and horrible and like i need to be thin!!
sorry i havent been online much - i <3 you all
WORK: I'm now working as a temp consultant and I am so busy but I'm also feeling positive - nothing has gone wrong yet, although i have that feeling of dread and worried that i am missing something huge and everything will fall apart!
I am loving it though - it so busy and i love the fast paced environment
I had a catch up with Maree (my ED lady who i used to see) we had a good chat and she wants to see me once a week for lunch - next week we are going to try and eat some lunch - sushi or something. I'm super nervous cos i hate eating in front of someone who i hardly know. It takes me aaaages to eat and i feel i dunno - just like i CANNOT do it!
We talked about my biggest fear - which is gaining weight and also that I am kinda annoyed at myself cos i have too much control in the fact that, i can hold down my job and keep on my feet and i convince myself that i'm ok. In some ways it would be easier for me to just fall apart - crash and hit rock bottom then i would be forced to change. Now I dont have any reason to change cos I'm not losing out on anything, i am working and playing squash so there can't be anything wrong. She said that my psychologist obv has a lot of work to do!! LOL
I have my appointment with the psychologist tomoro and she is going to weigh me :/
I really dont want that to happen. I have been eating and i feel as though i have gained ALOT of weight and i dont want to be weighed and find out that i am fatter than i think! :(
I have also been referred to a dietician
I feel positive but i am also teriffied of gaining weight and feel fat and horrible and like i need to be thin!!
sorry i havent been online much - i <3 you all
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