decisions?!

Had my meeting last thurs w a the dr's, Donna came w me. 
They said their plan is to continue DBT therapy (go to group once a week, c Trish once a week) and incorporate reds as well, so c a dietician once a week. They want to increase my weight slowly so I can be ok w gaining weight. 
They said in not sick enough for inpatient @ 45-47 kgs I'm severely underweight and slowly killing myself but I'm not critical. 
I told them that this same idea was proposed last year and it didn't work but they insisted its a diff team so diff plan. They suggested taking a full day off work a week and doing all my therapy in one day and focusing 100% on getting myself healthy. 
The issues I have w this "plan"
* I can't take a full day off, I spoke to my manager and its too disruptive (she had someone in the past doing 4 days)
* I don't gradually gain weight, I start feeling good so eat more and vary it and gain and feel fat so purge then binge and purge then hate myself for doing so, so self harm and then want to die cos I've done the cycle again, so start restricting. 
* I can't work & focus 100% on recovery, I focus for a day the life gets in the way. Too many distractions. 
So talked to Donna after and said I'd go inpatient for 3 months to focus all I have and come out a healthy, happy Amy
On the weekend caught up w mum and Donna, mum said inpatient too expensive - I have 2 choices: I get motivated and commit to therapy or I get discharged. 

I don't kno what to do. 
DBT isn't right, working is too stressful while doing intense therapy. I am happy where I am. And I don't really care that I am slowly killing myself. 
The ultimate goal is to be happy and at 45kgs I can be 70% happy. For now that's ok

Psych Review

I had my review with the mental health team at 2pm today. 
They are concerned with the weight loss and that anorexia has taken over my every thought and behavior. 
They have referred me on to REDS (regional eating disorder services) 
I told the team that I can't do all of it, reds, group, 1 on 1 and homework and work and life. It's too overwhelming and I can't do it. So I'm taking a break from DBT therapy and group and going to focus on the eating disorder.
My key worker phoned me today. I have an appoint with the ED doctor on the 23rd to be assessed. Last time they assessed me (April of last year) they told my psych at the time I was too borderline personality to be accepted into a ed program. I'm so scared I'm not sick enough for their help. And it's still 2 weeks away which is also scary! 
I have to go to my gp once a week for monitoring which is also scary :( 
I don't know that I can do this. I hate anorexia but I love her all the same :(

The BIG one

So I had my big meeting today – the one where the two teams working with me to try and help me create normality to my life met and discussed me like I was a the latest “off the press”

The original Taylor Centre doctors – my key worker Joanne, my psychologist Trish and my psychiatrist Markus met with the REDS (regional eating disorder service) – Dr Kac (physical doc) and the psychiatrist (can’t remember his name but I liked him) sat at this big table and at 1pm me and Donna joined them.

They asked how I thought I was going and then put the options out there.

The options being either

* I get discharged from all care, for now. Knowing that I can go back anytime, and can put my hand up for help whenever I need/want and they are there. Or *option 2 being I get motivated and they work together to help me recover from anorexia and borderline personality disorder – 2 of the most difficult mental illnesses to overcome alone let alone together they pointed out.

I was open and honest with my response (I thought) I made them aware that I do lack motivation because the fear of gaining weight and what that means for me – hating myself more and more so much that I go back to self harming and suicidal tendencies, not going out with friends and just feeling like a lost fat soul strolling around numb to the world. I want the motivation but I am terrified cos I know what the road to recovery looks like and the past 2 years have been hard and now that I am feeling good and happy and having fun why would I want to stop that for a dark tough road which as much support as I have I ultimately have to walk alone.

I told them option 2 is pretty much the same as what I was doing but I have an added person –a dietician and although they insisted the dietician would help me to gain weight slowly and at my own pace so that I could adjust slowly I repeated the previous year’s attempts  with the dietician started in the same way – and I trusted them and believed them, only to be my usual self and start to think I was doing well and things were going ok-ish so I ate better and ate chocolate and ice cream and gained weight and freaked out and purged then self harmed .... The 1 hour appointment with the dietician once a week sounds great but what about the other 167 hours in the week. How do I cope with the stresses of work, the social scenes and life in general?

They determined me not sick enough for inpatient. Apparently 45 kgs and a BMI of 15.6 is not sick enough to go inpatient and unless I drop further and hit 43 kgs then they won’t consider it.

I don’t want to get sick enough that I am forced into hospital and I told them this but their PLAN does not stir motivation and invoke hope that I will get better.

Something different needs to happen. I would go inpatient volunterally if i could take the time off work and off life in general.

I hate being trapped but i love it all the same- how messed up is that!?!

I wish i could feel thin, feel beautiful and be loved

My mum’s friend who came with me so I had a voice of reason to speak for me said that she has watched me slowly kill myself and that the last 4 months I have shrunk and she is scared.

So now i have to decide.......
I am going to catch up with mum on the weekend so see what she thinks and then talk to my boss and decide.
I know i am not going to just continue with the DBT group and see a dietician once a week so she can make me fat! but the thought of being discharged and having NO support scares me as well :/

Tweaker

Wide awake and buzzing yet tired to the bone
A million thoughts are racing through me 
Do you see me all alone?

Who can love a hallow self when the self does not love the hallow?

What happened to my goals in life? When did this night turn day?
What is it I am searching for or am I simply forever running away?

What A Week!

Weeks been pretty emotional and hard to be honest... 

I had a colposcopy appoint on tues (for my abnormal smear)- they had to take a biopsy cos cells abnormal and waiting to find out results of that - 50/50 chance of cervical cancer :/

Tuesday night i hung out with my mate Matt, who borrowed some money and now i can't get a hold of him. Didn't get any sleep!

Wednesday I worked 6 hours - then went out with friends, made money selling and got home bout 5am - for 3 hours sleep

Thursday I had a meeting at REDS (regional eating disorder service) it was an hour and half long and they asked me all sorts of questions about my thoughts around eating, weight, everything. Have an appoint with another dr on tues next week for a full medical to make sure physically I'm not in any danger. :/

Then the 3 people from REDS (psychiatrist and ot from thurs and dr from tues) meet with my old team (psychologist, psychiatrist and key worker) to discuss me and what I need. 

Thursday night i went to my cousins house with mates, she got so drunk and was being really annoying and silly and then was hitting me which was painful (she has since apologised) I got home about 4.30am for about 2.5 hours sleep just in time for another day at work on friday

Friday -I went to my uncles funeral. There was a lot of laughter which was nice but it was still so sad. He passed on Sunday so suddenly from a heart attack. Was my mums eldest brother and 1st brother to pass away. 

Then I was going to have quiet night and in some ways I kinda did. Yet somehow it was 5am and I was not asleep. Was chilling at mine with a friend, did some d*ugs and slept from 7am-11am

and now it's saturday - i went to lunch with family and it was ok -ate some seafood but felt so full and as i was leaving mums husband said to me - "make sure you keep it in you" i was like WTF and he tried to make me pinky promise not to bring it back up!
way to ruin lunch

I don't think i am doing anything tonight - sat night in, house to myself and sleep!
I am feeling so ill and tired and grumpy. I wish i had it in me to go out cos i need to sell some stuff but oh well.... CBA

October Update

Here is the latest on IT ALL.....

I am still on part time at work for this week as i went back to the dr last thursday and my weight had dropped to "critical"  my blood pressure, sugar, calcium and phosphate were too low or something.... This is week 3 of part time hours so the bank account has taken a huge hit and i've had to cancel the trip to brisbane in Dec. I am now doing the Sat to Mon with mum and brad is the same.... sucks but i guess it's just the way it has to be. no one else to blame but myself. :(

i am going to call the doc tomorro though as I have gained weight (2 whole kgs) m back to 45kgs (99lbs)> BMI 15.57.....  hopefully will be ok for me to go back to work full time! Part time is fine but i cannot live off it! :/

It's hard - i constantly feel so fat and horrible but i need to be ok to work!!

mum organised a meeting with this specalist guy last week - it was me, her, dad and this dr and i had a chat to him for 1/2 hour without the parents there and then he explained stuff to them so they could understand more.I think they found it quite useful which was good.
I guess they (and me and everyone else) is over all of this and can't see why i'm not getting better.....

Mum's brother passed away yesterday - Uncle Gary .... so that is a huge shock to everyone (especially nana) as he was relatively healthy (compared to the other brother who is the dying of emphysema)
The funeral is on Friday which is going to be so hard. He is the first of the brothers to pass and mum was very close to him.


Work has been stressful - i'm not supposed to say anything but there has been a case of identity fraud - and it was one of my candidates who i registered way back in May and she has been working ever since for a credit card company, creating credit cards for fake people. I had an hour long call with a solicitor from the legal team of Manpower in Sydney today which was hard work. She was creating a timeline of events and gathering information for a case. I feel totally responsible as i had no idea, but aparantly she has been doing this for years and even her 2 previous employers had no idea. Still is shitty. And really bad timing. My boss has been really good and i've broken down severall times at work because of it - she is very patient and continues to remind me i AM doing a good job and this was NOT my fault and nohting i could have done would have prevented this.
Alll we can do now is wait for the client to decide what to do next, wether they want to try and get some of their money back that they lost (to her wages mainly) or what :s
They have been very supportive the last few weeks and i think i have been very lucky to still have a job.

Have cut right back on the drugs and although have had some massive nights out .... i am limiting myself to (mainly) Thurs and Friday's (i then crash out early on sat which stops me going out haha)  I have limited what and how much i'm doing .... I am quite happy to be around people and not have any which feels pretty good :)
Although in saying that, i still quite like going to work high as a kite LOL

I have a meeting next Tuesday (23rd) with REDS (regional eating disorder service) for an assessment with the doctor there. It's with the same dr i seen in April of last year who told my psychologist at the time that the ed was caused by the BPD and if we continued with the DBT therapy and worked on the BPD issue the ED would improve ..... how wrong was  he.

I no longer see trish (psych) or go to DBT group ... which is weird. but hopefully after next tuesday there will be a plan in place and if not then there is always the specalist guy that i met last week.(not that i realy liked him)
I said to mum that i appreciated her doing that but she can't spring things like that on me. I am 25 now and i am trying to help myself and be independent and get well on my own without my mummy or daddy swooping in and trying to fix things. I love them both but they cannot fix me (as much as i wish and they wish they could)


dad's been really good too - at first he just didn't understand it and turned up and my house one morning and almost literally thought he was going to attempt to drag me out of the house to put food in me (thank god he didn't) he has paid for me to have another Reiki session tomorro arvo with his friend. it's very weird but balances the chakra's which i hope helps :)

I have an appointment at Greenlane hospital tomorro afternoon - i am having a colposcopy again as my last smear was abnormal again (same as last year) :s I am nervous about that too.....

Everything seems to fall apart all at the same time !!
" when it rains, it pours"

Explaining Ana (letter to my dad)

Explaining Ana ...

I wanted to write a few things down and hopefully clear your confusion even if just a little.
This eating disorder isn’t new to me but it is to you and I can fully understand why you don’t get it. I mean no one really “gets” and you can’t get it unless you’ve lived it.

It’s not about food, well it wasn’t to start with, it’s about control. When things aren’t going well/are out of balance in my life, I’ve needed to feel like I am in control of something. I want to feel good about myself, like myself, be happy with who I am.
I don’t know when it started or how or why…. But it’s triggered by different things and different stressors and now it’s just a habit and my life.

I remember in high school, I was always the one people would come to if they wanted advice on food, how to eat healthy, what to eat, calories, fat, exercise …..
When you and mum broke up, my car accident and other things happened – controlling my food, counting my calories and having something to focus on rather than the cr*ppy stuff and the emotions behind events made me feel better and made me feel good about myself.
Moving to the UK and living with Kelly and co. was the best thing I did – before I went away I was losing weight and struggling but I didn’t realise I had a problem, Kelly helped me realise that i did in fact have a problem and she helped me re-focus my attention away from calories and weight and onto traveling. Those 2 years while I was away, Kelly helped me so much – don’t know how exactly, can’t pin point what she did or how but it helped me to re-create myself and my identity as a traveller and I was doing so well, then coming home and finding everything the same I lost that feeling and struggled to settle back in.
My friends were all different, everything was changing and it was hard… so I started counting calories again, knowing full well what I was doing wasn’t right and that what I was doing was disordered but it made me feel better about myself and made it easier to cope with everything on a day to day basis. And I thought I could stay on top of it.
I go in cycles – I restrict for a while, then hit breaking point and start eating again and that then leads to purging my food and then I feel worse about myself and I self-harm, but then I hate that so much so start to try and get better and gain weight but hate myself so start restricting again.
After a visit to hospital one night last February I was referred to Manukau mental health team where they initially diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder because of the fact I self-harmed, had trouble with relationships and had such extremities of emotions… I was under the team in Manukau and was doing the DBT therapy and going to a group on Wednesday afternoons and starting to see an improvement in the managing emotions and relationships but not so much in the eating …… then I moved to town and was transferred to the Taylor centre where I carried on the DBT therapy… having group on Tuesday mornings and one on one with a psychologist every week to teach me how to manage my emotions and not run from them. During this time the “professionals” all decided that the eating disorder was a result of the BPD (borderline personality) and that if they treated the BPD the eating would improve.
Then I broke my arm – which I think has triggered the big relapse. I was focused solely on squash and doing so well, and breaking my arm put a damper on everything… Now they think the BPD is in fact a result of the eating disorder and so I have been referred on to REDS (regional eating disorder service) to get serious help with ONLY the eating disorder and hopefully life will be normal.

I  have an immense fear of gaining weight … as I say it never started out being about the weight and how I looked but now it is. I only wanted to feel good and be in control of my life and now the eating, the fear, the need to be thin, but feeling so fat and disgusting controls me. It’s a little voice in my head that as much as I hate it, I also love it. It feels like a friend to me in a world of madness sometimes. When things go wrong I know I have something to fall back on and rely on to make me feel good, yet also feel worse.

I had been doing so well this year, eating ok but not liking myself at all and now that I have lost weight I feel good, I am liking myself more when I am losing weight, yet I never feel thin.

I have managed to hide this very well from a lot of people for a number of years. 
This is no-one’s fault but telling me to eat something isn’t helping – it’s like telling someone with depression to cheer up, or someone with a broken arm to harden up. It feels like an addiction sometimes, I am addicted to losing weight!
This is a mental illness and I have to work through things one step at a time and hopefully this referral with REDS is the start of the recovery process.

I hope this sheds some light for you…. I wanted to try and explain this in person but I know that I would probably just end up crying and not saying what I wanted to say.

I will be ok, I always am 

Lots of love 
Amz

25 Birthdays Survived

When you're 16 you have this idea in your head of what life will be like when you are 25. The job you will be in, the amazing boyfriend/fiancé/husband you will have and how grown up 25 is.
Now I'm here I just don't know.
My job is in jeopardy cos of my ill health, my boss wants me to take time off to go into a treatment place or hospital to get over my eating disorder, no one at work knows about the fact I'm smoking a class drugs every week, sometimes every night, one week I even lied and instead of going to dbt group I went to his house to get high.
My family and majority of friends don't know about the drugs which makes it harder to be around them since I'm out for weekends at a time.
My "new" friends don't know about the eating disorder which means I'm then wearing a mask around them too.
I'm wearing masks to keep myself together but really I'm falling apart.
I don't have any if many real friends, I've been ripped off by many and used and hurt and all I want to go is lose weight and be thin.

Happy 25th right? Seen 4 friends who all eventually left, my close girl who I been seeing a lot of turned on me and sent me nasty txt msgs, didn't eat or get drunk, just a little high but could def sleep.

Had 112 people wish me happy birthday on facebook yet i Feel so alone

Septemberrrrrrrrrrrrr

I weigh 46kgs that's 101lbs. 
In the past month, nearly 2 I've spent more money on drugs than I have on food. 
I'm having heart palpitations every day, all day an sometimes they hurt. 
In the past 7 days I've done drugs every day, I've slept more than 5 hours once and I've eaten about 300 calories all up. 
I keep telling myself that I'm ok, that it's not that bad, that for once I'm going out and having fun but as I sit in bed on Tuesday night nearly half 12 in the morning, alone, aching and hungry getting high I'm wondering where this is going? How does this end? How long can I continue this? 
My boss has said that if I get put into hospital and it's for an extended period of time then my job may be in jeopardy, she said the power may be out of her hands and out of her control. No I do not want to lose my job but I also don't want to gain weight and be unhappy. 
I like that doing drugs is making me skinny, I like that I can do it before work and no one knows. I like that on the weekends I go out dancing for 2 or 3 night straight. I like all the fun new friends I've made and continue to make. 
This guy Neil who I've been hanging out with said to me tonight that I am on to it and that I am all good. I can't help but silently think "am I really or am I just putting on a big front to the world so they don't take it all away from me"
I've just made a new friend, he is not a mid man or a buyer he is the real deal, the big guy in the game. Today instead of going to DBT group I went to his house for an hour and a half and smoked up a storm, got high and went back to work. 
I had fun. 
Playing squash this evening however, not as fun. I have no energy, I can't hit the ball and I can't run around cos I can't breathe and my heart hurts too much. Afterwards there was dinner consisting of roast chicken, salad and bread. I ate a few forkfuls of chicken and plain lettuce and hated every second of it. I was/am so hungry my tummy is loudly telling everyone around me so yet I HATE that I have to put food into me! 
I am not motivated to go to therapy or even try and practise the skills simply because I feel ok, I'm having fun and my emotions are suppressed cos I'm losing weight and doing drugs that numb me. It's a good feeling for me (but I realise it's not actually a good thing)
Again I suddenly wonder.... How does this end?

Life right now

I weigh 46kgs that's 101lbs.
In the past month, nearly 2 I've spent more money on drugs than I have on food.
I'm having heart palpitations every day, all day an sometimes they hurt.
In the past 7 days I've done drugs every day, I've slept more than 5 hours once and I've eaten about 300 calories all up.
I keep telling myself that I'm ok, that it's not that bad, that for once I'm going out and having fun but as I sit in bed on Tuesday night nearly half 12 in the morning, alone, aching and hungry getting high I'm wondering where this is going? How does this end? How long can I continue this?
My boss has said that if I get put into hospital and it's for an extended period of time then my job may be in jeopardy, she said the power may be out of her hands and out of her control. No I do not want to lose my job but I also don't want to gain weight and be unhappy.
I like that doing drugs is making me skinny, I like that I can do it before work and no one knows. I like that on the weekends I go out dancing for 2 or 3 night straight. I like all the fun new friends I've made and continue to make.
This guy Neil who I've been hanging out with said to me tonight that I am on to it and that I am all good. I can't help but silently think "am I really or am I just putting on a big front to the world so they don't take it all away from me"
I've just made a new friend John, he is not a middle man or a buyer he is the real deal, the big guy in the game. Today instead of going to DBT group I went to his house for an hour and a half and smoked up a storm, got high and went back to work.
I had fun.
Playing squash this evening however, not as fun. I have no energy, I can't hit the ball and I can't run around cos I can't breathe and my heart hurts too much. Afterwards there was dinner consisting of roast chicken, salad and bread. I ate a few forkfuls of chicken and plain lettuce and hated every second of it. I was/am so hungry my tummy is loudly telling everyone around me so yet I HATE that I have to put food into me!
I am not motivated to go to therapy or even try and practise the skills simply because I feel ok, I'm having fun and my emotions are suppressed cos I'm losing weight and doing drugs that numb me. It's a good feeling for me (but I realise it's not actually a good thing)
Again I suddenly wonder.... How does this end?

The Flatties

Flat situation..
For the past 6 weeks 2 out of 3 flatties have been really weird around me, not talking to me and avoiding me and leaving the room when I come in...
Then this arvo I get this from 1 of them "Hey Amy, I've been thinking about the flat situation all weekend. I'm really not comfortable in the flat at the moment and know the girls feel the same way. This is due to a number of different things but mainly the blatant disrespect you have for others in the house currently.Something needs to change and I don't think it should lead to us having to move out." 
I come home to chat and its like 3 against 1 gang up on Amy time. 1 of them who has been normal with me stayed relatively neutral but basically they don't like my friends, they don't want people here during the week and the even talked about my eating issues- saying they've noticed I've lost weight and the people I hang out with obv don't care cos they don't try and help.

I told them yes I have people or at least 1 person here every night cos at the moment I don't wanna be home by myself. I don't like sitting around in the lounge with them watching tv. I need social distraction, something to do (play around on laptop w music etc) and just cos my friends are party people doesn't mean they don't care. They bring me food all the time - I just don't eat it. I've got enough people trying to "fix" me it's nice to be around people where my ed isn't the first topic of conversation. 
I told them no disrespect has happened they just need to speak up and tell me if my music is too loud for them. I can't read minds and as I've been working part time I have no concept of sleep and time. 

I txt my mum the txt I got and she sent a very blunt reply. 

The way it ended with the flatties was that I will keep the weekdays quiet but I'm not telling people NOT to come over, I pay rent so have a right to have friends here. But they need to communicate better (like the 3rd girl does) and speak up rather than let these things build up!

Wonderland

3.06 am lazing in my own wonderland
Not sleeping, not eating, but living and smiling

What does tomorrow bring?
Another trip down the rabbit hole

I can stop paying when I'm normal

Today my mum cane to my appointment with my psychologist... She wanted to find out "the plan" and to know that things were/are moving forward and that ultimately I don't overdose, again and die...
All went well then driving back to work and I ask her how much I still owe her out of the $8000 I've been paying off to 2 years, she tells me it's not important and i re-ask telling her I want to save for a trip to the uk again. She then tell me that when "you're happy, healthy and normal you can stop paying me money"
I'm so hurt, I cried so much when I got back to work. Its like she wants to understand mental illness but just doesn't. I can't control this. I don't want this. I would give anything to be "normal" I can't just switch it off to save myself money.
Would she say that to someone with cancer. "when you get over cancer then you can stop paying me"
It's not fair. I don't want to be struggling. I don't want to hate myself. I don't want to look at myself in the mirror and wish I was skinny, pretty or not even here.
What if I never get better? What if I'm never normal?
I feel so worthless.

Don't know what to say ...

A close friend of mine is going through a very tough time. Her 15 year old daughter has run away for the almost 20th time this year. Her daughter is known to police and cyfs (child, youth and family) and my friend and her husband are at their wits end. She broke down at work today and said she's done. She's ready to disown her daughter cos she just doesn't know what to do anymore.
I wish there was something wise and helpful to say but I just end up listening and giving her a big hug. I feel so young and nieve when it comes to giving advice. I feel incapable of helping as I don't know how. I said to her "I wish I knew what to say to help" and she just said there isn't anything anyone can say :(
I am feeling sick with worry about her daughter and the family and I wish I could do more

The cast is coming off

Tomorrow is the day the cast comes off and yes I am excited but I'm also scared.
It's been the reason behind my restricting- with no exercise there is no eating but after tomorrow I can exercise which means I will be "allowed" to eat and that scares me.
I've pushed away "good" friends and replaced them with "party/drug" friends and to be with my eating disorder cos it feels safe and neutral but after tomorrow the cast comes off, the excuse is gone- there is no reason for my disordered eating and drug taking and behaviour.
An excuse for my eating disorder validates it in some way and in turn makes it ok.
Everything has to have a reason otherwise it shouldn't exist... What is my reason without my cast?

Then there is squash.they have put me in the team for nationals and I don't know if I am up to it, if I can compete. I don't want to let people down. I don't want to fail. And I'm not sure I can reach that level in 6 weeks. It means eating more and that scares me.
I just don't know if I can do it

The Self Harm Arm

Tonight I discovered something new and scary and painful and a less messy way to release all those emotive feelings and thoughts... Burning.
I burned several places on my arm and hand by heating up glass and holding it to my skin.
It was painful and in those moments of pain I forgot how fat, worthless and guilty I felt, so I did it again and again and now my arm is hot and numb and my mind is racing with fear and excitement.
No blood, no stitches, no big messy unhealed scars... Just warm welts for now

Regionals to nationals

I'm a selfish person, the C grade ladies won regionals today at squash, they are heading to nationals in September to represent Auckland and I didn't go up to celebrate with them cos I want to cry.
This year my big goal was to play super champs and go to regionals and nationals and breaking my stupid arm has ruined it.
Everyone keeps saying there's always next year but that isn't comforting in the slightest. Next year will be totally different, the girls will have moved up a grade while I get left behind, again.
Everyone is moving upwards and onwards and I'm just going side to side and backwards. When will I move forwards, upwards and onwards too.
I try to make goals and keep failing.
Feeling like one big fat failure of life.

And I don't want pity, I want a new life.

Coming down so I'll write about it

Lately (past 2 weekends) I've used drugs - I won't say what but its something crazy scary
I use it to escape reality, to feel normal and happy and ok for a period of time. When I'm high the voice in my head is quietened, the voice that tells me I'm fat, I'm worthless, I'm not good enough it's hushed while I'm high.
I'm with friends- well people I have met through this new dark hole that I think are friends but who really knows cos they are messed up addicts themselves.
Wise mind tells me this is a slippery slope to no where but then I think I'm not getting addicted nor will I so what's the harm?!
The harm- well last weekend I didn't eat for 4 days, I then got high again on Thursday night and Friday day that tonight when I went out for dinner with friends I ate a few tiny bits of veggies
My weight has plummeted- I've hit 49kgs again. That's 7 kgs in 4 weeks. I'm repulsed by food and just want to stay high but I know I can't.
I have to work. I left early Thursday and didn't go in Friday so work is slipping... Mistakes will happen. I'm not invincible - unfortunately. I'm just not motivated- I'm hoping it's just because of the drugs, but surely everyone goes through a lull with their work? I love my job, I want to do well but right now I don't want any pressure, I want to be able to fly by at the easiest level so I can do the drugs and function ok at work.
I've spent $550 in 2 weeks which leaves me with only $500 for 4 weeks.
My mind keeps coming up with ways to make money so that I can buy more drugs without using my pay :/

I haven't told my psych any of this, I haven't told any of my friends about it. I know they will tell me not too and I know they are right I just don't want to hear it. not yet

And so now it's Saturday night- I am finally coming down yet still thinking bout it.
I want to sleep cos my body is aching, back, neck, legs all sore, heart racing like I've just run a marathon, hands shaking, eyes blurry from lack of sleep.... And then I think if I know what will help.... NO I need to sleep tonight. I need to know I can not do it.

Must stay in control

I don't feel down or depressed (not yet anyway) just anxious/worried about what's next... But for now I'm not worrying about the future, dwelling in the past, I'm just living in the here and now and it's ok for now.

Freedom from life or freedom from drugs and anorexia and self harm and self hate .... Who knows

My cards for tonight

1. Earth- the physical issue
card 22: sacred journey
life is a physically journey through time and space yet also a spiritual journey, this card reminds you that we are each much more than our physical attributes. We are all characters in a play and we each have a different role

2. Water: how issue affects emotions (feelings)
card 4: Dream
you will soon break free from a situation that has been causing you concern. Something will be revealed through a dream or person you trust but do not forget this episode as it is a recurring theme. Pay attention to dreams, learn their symbolic language

3. Air: how issue affects thoughts
Card- 5: Gaia
Most powerful card shows you have a deep spiritual connection. Share your knowledge and wisdom only with those who are ready to hear and do not fear the earth changes that are taking place for all is evolving and unfolding as it should

4. Fire: what to surrender to move forward
Card:18 - apprehension
Its time to get going, there is nothing to fear. The longer you wait the harder it will be. The first step is the hardest. Treat every day as a learning experience.

5. Spirit: what lies in your heart
Card:25 liberation
Whether you realize it or not you've become to emotionally attached to someone or something. A situation that initially seemed positive has now revealed its ugly side - do whatever it takes to break free, the end result will be worth it

6. Outcome: culmination of cards
Card 7: goddess of creation
It's time to chill and relax, let go of rigid fixed ideas. Relaxation will slow your thoughts down and open your heart. Your well being is of paramount importance, so do not take it for granted.

Chats

I had a really good chat with my flat mate. She asked me loads of questions but it was actually ok.
She told me her and the other 2 girls talked on Sunday about how they all feel after my overdose a week earlier.
She wanted to know how she could help. What she should be doing and not doing in terms of my eating disorder- I didn't have an answer.
It was so nice of her to offer support so genuinely. It's nice that she cares

Disordered 24 year old

Im scared of going to the gp. I'm scared she will take one look at me and either laugh or ask me if I really have an eating disorder.
I don't feel ill enough, thin enough to have an eating disorder. I know I hate myself and feel fat and disgusting, guilty when I eat anything but my "safe" foods and have my rules, routines around food.
Yes I'm scared of eating potatoes, pasta and bread out of fear of gaining weight dramatically.
I haven't eaten potatoes or pasta for years though is that not normal?
Don't most girls struggle with body image? Does everyone lie in bed thinking and rethinking their day food intake versus their exercise expenditure?
Do all girls cringe when they see their body naked and pinch and pull at their fat in the mirror?
is food the first thing on people's mind in the morning and the last thing the think about as they drift off to sleep?
The thing they dream about?
The thing they spend their days thinking about?
Food, weight, exercise, self worth, perfection, control.
I am lucky I go to work and my mind can take a rest from coming up with meal plans to lose weight, exercises to burn calories and attempt to focus on work. Without work I think I would be consumed by this darkness, maybe that's why I dislike weekends... I Wander into the kitchen terrified of what to go next then go back to my room. It's never ending.

I don't count calories, I stopped doing that- in the past few weeks I haven't eaten anything but apples (70 cals each) I don't need to count calories I know exactly what's in ally foods in my cupboard and fridge.

But I eat chocolate I can't be anorexic. I feel so guilty sometimes that I do purge - not often though.
I like apples and light soy milk, veggies and rice crackers, that's just being healthy though isn't it?

Where is the line drawn? How do they decide that she has an eating disorder- all those doctors who "assess" can they see inside the brain and the thoughts inside.
I wish they could then maybe they could extract them and replace them with positive body vibes

Is this a normal 24 year olds mind? Who decides?

Appointment today...

I had my meeting with Trish at 11.30 and we came to a few agreements.
She has expressed the urgency to deal with the eating disorder, she said it fuels a lot of my behaviours and thoughts and in turn is causing the borderline personality and thinks once I tackle the eating stuff some of the borderline symptoms will (hopefully) have been resolved.
To deal with the eating she is getting in touch with Auckland eating disorder service (at Greenlane) – I went there once last year after being referred by Melodie but (I didn’t know this until today) in my notes from their assessment team they conculded the borderline Was the main issue and the eating issues were a result of me having BPD
However NOW – Trish thinks it’s the other way around and is going to fight my case to get me into to a program with them so I can solely 100% focus on the ed and then after that I will return to Trish and the DBT program to help me learn skills to help with managing my emotions and interpersonal skills

She is going to find out all my options – whether it be an inpatient program or a day patient program or what.

I am to go to my GP this week to get bloods done, then once Trish has spoken to greenlane team I will go for an assessment (again) and go from there

It will all depend on how the assessment goes as to the next step.

We talked about a DBT program which is inpatient in Nelson but she mentioned it’s not funded, we talked about me taking Tuesday’s off work but then again I’m not fully focusing on recovery which is what I really need to do to overcome all of it.

So that’s the update

Hopeful? Me? Maybe?

Therapy lasted an hour and a half.



We analysed my overdose from start to finish. Talked alot about the emotions behind alot of my actions
She finally realizes how serious the eating is. Is suprized at how long i have struggled for - so obviously in the way i talk about myself, my thoughts and behaviours - without it being addressed.
She thinks althought BPD is the right diagnoses, however alot of my self harming, emotions, behaviours are a result of the eating disorder. The BPD is a symptom of the eating disorder - not the other way around.

Finally someone is acknowledging the eating issues and not jusst brushing them off or blaming another mental illness

The biggest therapy interferring thing right now is work - I use work as a distraction from getting better.
It is making me worse yet helping me at the same time.

We are meeting again on Monday to problem solve and she said that we are not leaving the room until it is solved.
Until a decision is made about me and work and group.
I need to prioritise my recovery over everything else - and i think i can now FINALLY see that.
I cannot work full time, socalise, live normally and be totally 100% committed to therapy.
I think this in itself is going to be the hardest part - making these decisions about work.

I am scared. I need to work to feel normal but I know it's not helping.

In terms of the ED - she said she is going to incorporate an eating disorder treatment plan into the DBT program for me.

She said there is a text book write up that she is going to look into - she then said if in 2 or 3 months there hasn't been a rapid improvement she is going to refer me to a specalized eating disoder team (inpatient if needed) so i can free myself of that completley before then working on learning skills, building relationships and managing my emotions.
She said that she has been a BPD pyschologist for 30 years and although i cannot see it myself - I will get better.
I just have a long road ahead.

I like this plan - this gives me hope.
I can only hope this feeling lasts.

Friend vs Amy's OD

My friend is texting me after finding out about my OD and feels like she is telling me off. Saying "I'm just trying to help the situation by making u understand the consequences "
"U need to have a number or 2 u can call who will help u "
"Can u imagine the guilt others would feel if u did die?"
"I'm not trying to lecture u&make u feel bad, I just want u to see the full picture. You know?"
"I'm just trying to help the situation by making u understand the consequences"

Ended up saying this wasn't helping right now and it's making my thoughts race even more.
She apologised

But now I feel so bad. Why couldn't I have just died. At least if I'm dead I don't see the consequences. Selfish I know.
People getting angry/mad doesn't help yet. It's too soon. I can't handle it

PS bought new leggings ...

Just one last breathe? PLEASE

Everything is changing yet nothing is different.
My life is ending - yet I'm still breathing.
I don't know what to say or do anymore. Nothing is right or real or true.
My overdose on Sunday achieved nothing. I didn't want to be saved, well I didn't want my mum to find me the way she did.
My poor flat mate had to call the ambulance then put it on speaker phone so they could tell her how to give me CPR and chest compressions to keep me alive- no mother should have to do that to their daughter. I could have quite ... Happily doesn't seem a fitting word for this post... I could have quite comfortably slipped away in my sleep. I regret texting my mum and my sister and Jenna, that was not fair on them.
At the hospital I was unconscious for most of the night. I started vomiting at 3am then had a seizure at 5am and was medically cleared at 11am. Obviously tramadol doesn't last in the blood as long as paracetamol.
I didn't take as much as last time either so guess that's why I didn't have to stay that long.
I seen the psychiatrist at 1pm who asked me what lead me to od and I told him everything is too much.
Pressure at work, feeling like I'm not doing a good job, my best friend moving to Melbourne, breaking my elbow and not being able to play regionals, not having friends, feeling guilty for eating and getting so fat, my Mental health team showing no support and missing my old team, being alone, being single, being ugly- the list goes on.
He asked me if I had planned this- I said no not particularly... Not for Sunday that's for sure. I just caught up in the opportunity and the little voice inside convinced me it was the right thing to do: they always say trust your intuition right?
He asked me how I was feeling right then: to which I responded : like I don't deserve or want to be here
- maybe by that *here* he thought I meant hospital not the world in general?!
And then I was released to go home and be alone... Which I've now been here since.

Mum is calling Melodie (my old psychologist) to see how I can be transferred back- she is going to say I'm moving back with her for 4 nights a week (not that I am) and if that doesn't work we are looking at inpatient places.
Mum doesn't want me to go ip though, she's worried if I step away from work, friends, life that I'll go downhill... What I don't think she realises is that I'm already heading downhill ...
Next time I won't send a message.

I want to get better - I really do. But 1 hour with a person once a week and a 2 hour DBT group session once a week doesn't seem to be making any difference. I get too distracted with work and lose focus on recovery cos I want to do well at my job and life itself.

I know deep down I don't really want to die but sometimes it's hard to find reasons to keep trying/living
What is my purpose?
What good do I actually bring to anyone?
I am a number in this world of no ones.

Beautiful ... not I

If I was beautiful I'd have a boyfriend or someone who loved me. I'd have friends who wanted to hang out not just people who feel sorry for me and tell me I'm beautiful cos they pity me.
I'd have fun times and happy memories if laughter filled weekends just gone not loneliness and tears night after night.
If I was beautiful I'd be invited out and want to go not hide away from the world.
If I was beautiful I'd feel it inside and out
One day ....

No squash for how many weeks??

I feel so lost without squash😓
Nothing to train for, nothing to work towards, no reason to fight.
I was eating for exercise, I had a reason to eat- to fuel my body.
Now what?? If I eat like I was- I gain weight?
I am so confused.
I have a voice in my head reminding me that without squash I will get fatter, that if I eat that it's got X amount of calories, that I'll never recover cos no one can help, there is no cure when no one knows what's truly wrong.
I don't know who to turn too, who to talk too.
I go to see the specialist tomorrow and get the proper cast on and find out how long it's on for... I'm over it already.
I need squash to keep me sane without it, I'm scared of what I'll become or what I'll lose :/

Stuck in this battle

Feels like people go THROUGH battles, they go through a tough time and come out the other side- all I seem to do is struggle over and over again. Nothing I seem to do helps me feel closer to freedom.
I am stuck on this merry-go-fucking-round eating disorder.

I don't know if borderline personality disorder is the box I fit in. My T thinks the ED and self harm are symptoms of BPD but what if the ED is separate- these feelings, these ED thoughts, this self hate is this part of BPD?
I want to deal with the self hate, I want to like myself the way I am, I want to be ok with my body ... But fact is- I'm not. I constantly feel worthless and useless ad I do not know how I can keep going sometime.

I sometimes wish I would die in my sleep- then it would be a tragedy not a suicide

Just another June

I haven't posted for a while, I haven't written for a while, I haven't really done much for a while.
I was 53 days self harm free until tonight - I think I need stitches but steri strips will have to make do as usual.

I'm feeling pretty low at the moment.
Feeling  worthless and like a generally crappy human being.

I hurt someone who was only trying to be nice. But I don't handle things/anything well and those intense feelings, emotions, thoughts he was having towards me - FREAKED me out. I don't want a guy to be thinking that way towards me, let alone tell me he thinks that way. Yes I am abnormal. I don't think about guys a lot. I don't think about any feelings I am having. I AVOID EVERYTHING
All I ever wanted was friendship and the more I tried to take a step back and decide how to approach it, the more intense it got and the further I wanted to run.
I know his state of mind- I go to that state of mind too but it a different sense, so of course I couldn't/wouldn't just tell him to F off - 1. that's mean and not me anyway and 2. I was afraid of what he may do and I could not handle being responsible for that.
I think this is all I am going to share on  this - there is more going on in my head but I can barely breathe at the moment, let alone blog

Work is hard -although today finally made a break through, i stepped up and voiced my concerns, saying I was confused about my job description and what it is I should and should not be doing as candidate consultant, so we cleared that up and while i was at it I asked about my salary review! And woah behold - i got a slight raise and even better news, it's being back dated to last month BONUS!

Anorexia, will kill me
If Self harm doesn't get there first.

I am restricting but not enough to dramatically lose weight. I don't want to alarm anyone and also I don't know if i want to stop. I mean of course I want to be free and live a normal happy life, but giving up my anorexia and eating normally just is NOT me

DBT group is pretty shit - therapy in general is pretty shit. With my last team, i never once cancelled or didnt show- this time it's all i do. They don't give a damn about me and I don't give a damn about them. Get this number 545 in and out of here (i have numbered myself 545 - not sure why)
In group on tuesday they said to me i need to decide on my "Life Worth Living Goals" otherwise there isn't much point in me attending..... I can barely think about next week and they want me to come up  with LIFE WORTHFUCKING LIVING GOALS?! What if I don't want to live and I'm only here so i don't hurt others?

OK blog is long enough for now.

To living another day <3 

New manager

New manger
Is hard work- she is controlling and making me feel incompetent. Makin me second guess myself. Making me doubt myself and feel insecure especially about my position in the company. I had a mini melt down/crying session at work today and my old manager said that even though he is not my boss now he cares about me and that this year I have been doing so well he doesn't want to see me go backwards especially in my health.
Hopefully this is just an adjustment period. But when I'm anxious/stressed/insecure my eating goes downhill. This week I have exercised twice each day except for tonight and tonight was the first food I had since Tuesday night when I had some salad for dinner.
When everything is out of control I control myself and my food. Can't help it.
I cancelled my psychologist appointment today too. I don't see the point anymore. I haven't spoken to her in almost 3 weeks- she doesn't care- I am probably number 245 to her. Get this number in and out of the system .... Quick
Well failure sorry. If you wanna help me, I need you to want to help me not just have to do it for a paycheck.
I miss it last therapist - melodie :'(

Disassociating

Mind wandering
Body not belonging
Thoughts scattered
Heart pumping
Muscles twitching
Walking around in a daze not really knowing what is real and what is a figment of my imaginative brain.
Somebody talks to me yet I hear nothing and can't find words to respond with so i meow and shiver nervously trying desperately to seem normal all the while pondering if my life will flick back to reality or is this illusions state of mind now me forever.
Trapped in a warped sense of reality.
I know my hands belong to me yet how did I get them so tangled in my hair?
When did I lie down on the cold floor?
And how do I find my bed?

Goodnight world hello wild dreams and restless night

Support?? Mental health team who?

Lack of support.... Still.
Where is this crisis team? Who are they?
My psychologist couldn't make our appointment this week am wondering why my key worker hasn't asked how I'm doing.
Why doesn't my psychologist want to know how my week has been?
I am so stressed at work- with the work load and the changes happening with my new manager. Getting a new gp this week has been hard. She weighed me then asked how long ago was I anorexic (55kgs obv I'm not anorexic now)
Being sick tonight has made me realise how alone I truly am.
I miss my sister, I miss being thin.

I wanna be 50 kgs. I need control.

Thursday therapy... Again

Therapy Thursday- its been a while, well it feels like it has.
She thinks fear runs my life.
She wants me to eat more.
She wants me to do a observe and describe sheet when I have an emotion higher than 3 (out of5)
She pre warned me that she can't see me next week she can't see me cos she's in Wellington

I'm starting to wonder why is the point. I told her my urges to quit therapy is high, what I couldn't be honest about was why.
Why I feel like there is no point to seeing someone who I don't feel like I am connecting with. It's like I don't care if she helps or not. I don't even want her to help. I dont even try with her. With Melodie I cared if I disappointed her, I listened and wanted to try, I wanted to believe it would get better, I wanted it to get better. Now- it doesn't seem to matter. Trish isn't string through to me now, how is she going to get through to me in 6 months time.
I'm supposed to let go of my old psychologist and I've tried but I just felt so different when I was seeing her.
I've been seeing Trish for 3 months now - only 9 to go. I've gone from restricting to self harming and back to self harming. Yes ok fear may run my life but isn't anything Trish can do to change that. Walking home and I'm thinking to myself how can I make it look like I'm eating and not restricting just to get her off my back.
I will do my fucking homework, I will observe an emotion and write it out but I won't give up my eating disorder- sorry doctor

Somebody save me from this monster inside.

I don't think I can save myself

A voice in my head . A switch in momentum
Empty heart beating ...

A crying soul, an illusioned girl thinking life could be different.
Trapped in my mind, caged by my own perceptions and thoughts.
Growing tired of fighting this battle alone.
A tunnel of hope or a well of defeat.
The caterpillar that never ate never made it into a butterfly.
Starving with emptiness, starved of hoped. Losing my mind to a creature inside, a monster that has a voice like my own.
When does this end?
Is freedom and end or an escape?

Suicidal darkness

Friday night. I feel suicidal.
I know it will pass and I just need to sit with it. But it's like a devil on my shoulder trying to convince me to act now before I change my mind.
Overdose on tablets.
Overdose, wrap up warm and go for a walk to the park, so the person who finds you won't be someone you care about, someone who will be stuck with not only memories of you but that image of your dead body.
Take 100 maybe 200 tablets, put your hoodie in, take a blanket and go for a walk.
You know it's what you want to do, deep down you know it will be better for everyone.
Yes people will be sad but they will move on. People will cry and say lies about how wonderful and strong you are but then they will move on and live a happy existence, without you taking up their time and space.

Dark dark thoughts taking up my head.
Why am I here? What am I doing? Is this worth it? Why can't I be normal?

Trust me You Don't wanna See Them

Group at work discussing tattoos in walks Amy.
Jo to amy: do you have any tattoos?
Amy: yes I have 3
Jo: oh where?
Amy: my leg my back and my arm rather not show ya.
Jo: well I can see the one on your leg looks nice, c'mon just show us the other one
Amy: yeah ya don't wanna see that one * tries to change the subject*
Jo: yeah I do
Amy: ok then

I tried to hide the scars with my other hand but yep there is a reason I wear long sleeves especially to work.
Wonder what Jo thinks now

Paranoid as...

Paranoia?!
Its a weird thing to hit ya, 2 ladies in the office today were talking quietly, quiet but loud enough that I could hear whispers. I instantly felt paranoid that they were talking about me :/
I had to leave the office cos the longer I sat there the more paranoid I became. There were a few others in the office so chances are they were not talking about me and when I think about it in a rational mind I cant understand why they would be talking about me- but there was that little devil on my shoulder telling me " you are ugly and worthless and no one likes you" " you aren't good at your job and they are along about how crap you are" I even started making up what they were saying

Why do I want to self harm tonight?

Why do I want to self harm cos Jenna was assaulted and I was assaulted and it's not fair

Feelings I'm having: fear not just anxiety but fear

Fear that I am never going to be loveable because I was raped
Fear that I can never love someone
Fear that sex will always be a disgusting dirty thing to me

Fear that this has and will continue to ruin my fucking life

Then there comes guilt- for not reporting him and fighting for myself.
Guilt that I carry the blame cos no one believed me
Shame which is supposedly similar to guilt they say- but to me feels different ... Shame is on the outside and something you can get over, guilt is deep inside me and rotting me to the core

Now I'm going to choose NOT to self harm and lie in bed hugging my hot water bottle and go to sleep with my light on to stop the nightmares, I hope

S/H post

It's like crying without tears
It's anger without screaming
It's fear without running 
But it's also joy with no smile


Addictive as it is  - I cannot give it up.


A new day brings a new cut, a new scar to hide, a new embarrassment to never show and tell. 
A new lie to cover the truth and deeper into the black hole I go
A new truth in my head and another justification to myself to get me through the day


There is something inside me yet i am empty through and through - there is a void and I'm not sure what is missing or what it is I need

I hate myself so much
I feel worthless and disgusting 


and wonder sometimes..... what it is I am still doing here

Avoiding Reality

This weekend I have had a good weekend. I went out on Friday for after work drinks and got drunk.
Saturday I went to my aunties 60th birthday and again got drunk.
I had fun but I avoided reality.

I pretended that all was fine and happy and ok when inside I am struggling so much.

I have so much going on that I need to deal with (Ryan, hospital appoint, etc etc) It was good that I could go out but at the same time it probably wasn't a good idea cos it's going to bring me down later in the week, i can feel it already.

I just feel so hopeless at the moment. So incapable of pushing through.

I don't know how to fix things and what to do and the more I try and fix it the more it gets messed up but the more I try and avoid it the harder it's getting.

I feel so fat and disgusting - I want to be in control and want to be ok

Why do I constantly feel like there is something missing - what is missing from my existence that keeps me from pushing through and pulls me back to the eating disorder and the self harm?!

Does everyone feel so empty inside?

When will it be enough? When will I be enough?

Therapy f*cking Thursday

Therapy Thursday
Talked to death my self harming on sat night.
Realised I think too much and battle too much with myself about should i cut should I not when I should stop and realise that the urge to self harm is a prompt for me and it tells me I am having an emotion, I need to stop and think what emotion am I having. ( fear, anger, guilt) what is the emotion? What has happened that is causing me to have this emotion, am I making a judgement on the situation and the comment and myself and is that what has brought on this emotion, can I Teflon mind the comment, the judgement and the feeling, can I bring in my rational mind and question myself
Aparantly I have a big red flashing button on my head that says press me and it's a trigger for my emotions, that button consists of anything surrounding my weight, how I look, food, body shape, body image, me.

It sounds hard, it sounds fucking logical and makes sense to not think about the solution and think about the cause... It sounds hard
Especially when I sometimes like self harm as a solution, it conveys my pain and my emotion without me having to voice it and have people judge me for it. But it also has consequences which don't help me to create a life worth living and that is the ultimate goal

So we spent an hour taking apart my self harm on Saturday night that I didn't get to talk about anything else.
I desperately need to come up with a plan of action for me going to the police about Ryan. I am terrified of it.
How am I going to do it? What if he comes after me? What if gets someone else to hurt me?
I need to I to the police but my fear of the outcome is stoping me.
I wanted to talk about my HUGE anxiety about going to the specialist about my smear and colposcopy :/
But no time to talk about that- the hour is up!!!!

Psych is going to talk to the edl nurse about helping me find a new doctor in town that I can visit more often who is female and is sensitive about eating disorders- that in itself scares me... Telling my story to someone new, starting over with someone new AGAIN

Goal for this week is to observe and describe the emotion I am having which is driving the self harm urge then if I can, Teflon mind that shit away and live a happy and NORMAL fucking existence
don't press my big red flashing button

Over thinking, under doing

lying in bed thinking I should be writing my letters, I should be tidying my room, putting my clothes away, replying to the txt messages I got today which I couldnt be bothered replying too, folding my washing, sorting my clothes for work tomorrow, taking my make up off, drying my wet hair, taking my nail polish off, watching another episode of sons of anarchy to distract myself....
but I CAN'T DO ANYTHING. I AM LYING IN BED STARING INTO SPACE, DISASSOCIATING.
NOT EVEN THINKING BUT THINKING TOO MUCH AT THE SAME TIME.
What is happening to me? What is wrong with me tonight?

 It's taken me almost 20 minutes to write one paragraph.

Worries on Wednesday

They say that worrying is like a rocking chair - it gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere.....

I wish i could stop worrying.... even just for a minute

worried about:
1. My smear - i really really scared I have cervical cancer (sounds extreme but they said the moderate changes could indicate cancer) >.<


2. RYAN - he was my friend - who i loaned $500 too and never got back, then found out he used MY credit card to pay for his hotel bill and has now skipped town. So i have to go to the police and report it as fraud if i want to try and get the money back - and it's $793 so it's alot of money

3. Work - i am slipping behind cos I am so stressed and my main friend Debs, has been away for 2 weeks cos she is having troubles with her teenage daughter :'( I miss her and her hugs.

4. My self harming is OUT OF CONTROL. I think about it all the time. I have to wear a long sleeve top so i can't see my arms so i try and stop thinking about it.

5. I AM A BAD FRIEND. I have been neglecting my friends - both on here and my other friends from my other facebook. I am pushing people away and I don't know how not too. I am spending less and less time talking to my friends and more and more time talking to my mental illness friends :/

6. I am back restricting - 500 cals max a day. Resorted back to my comfort bowl. Shake for breakfast, salad greens or crackers for lunch and vegies or nothing for dinner. I'm back playing squash 3 times a week and netball once  a week which feels great but i know i should be eating more but i just can't

7. My sister - whom i haven't spoken too since Easter - I have txt her to try and have a conversation but i get barely anything back. I think she hates me.

I am paranoid about everything and everyone. Someone looks at me and I think they want to hurt me or are trying to infect me (with what I don't know)
I am tired - cos i'm not sleeping well and not eating well.
I am anxious cos i know i should be trying harder to do better but i just don't know how.
I have my appointment with the psychologist tomorrow and I'm pretty sure she is going to give up on me soon - and hey I can't blame her really

I am very quickly losing motivation and hope

I think this mental illness MAY kill me