Its just not fun

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It's just not fun

I have to be drunk or high to have sex.
Last night I was out with friends and ended with my friends friend pete, he was young but so sweet but very rough and a couple if times I had to stop him cos it was too rough. I didn't enjoy it and found myself wishing it was over already. How bad is that!
It just doesn't feel right to me. I don't enjoy just sex but I crave that feeling if being wanted/desired.
I want to be wanted-sexually but then can't keep up mentally when I am.
I don't feel normal in this respect, and never know what is acceptable.
Lying next to pete this morning, cuddling was nice, he told me I am very fit and he ran his hands down my body stopping at my hips and said he loves my hip bones.... All the more reason for me to not gain weight, some guys like bones almost as much as I do!!

Why doesn't anyone like me?

Lately I feel like my friends are dropping off like flies - they seem to disappear and not talk to me again.
I feel like I have hardly any friends....
I have 2 friends who I have seen a lot of in the past few weeks and that's it.
One of my closest friends (my cousin) seems to make every excuse under the sun as to why she can't catch up. We are supposed to be going to Melbourne together but we haven't even seen each other since I moved out in Oct. I don't know what's going on.
Then there is *L (don't want to post her name) we got close when I first got back but just in the last like 6 weeks she hasn't been replying to my msg's and she says she is busy then goes out with friends. I keep telling myself she is just busy but I am starting to think maybe I should take the hint..... she doesn't want to be friends with me :/

I am sitting at home on my floor crying - its 2pm and I have done nothing all day cos no one wants to hang out, no one likes me. I feel like self harming cos I feel like such a loser.
I am trying to tell myself not to over analyze it but I can't help it. No one likes me. No one wants to hang out with me. Everyone has a life and my life consists of being worthless and a loser.

Wow what a depressing post this has been!

Being taken over

It's all I can think about, that one slice of pizza
Is is making me fatter as I lie in bed trying to sleep. Am I gaining a pound or a kg overnight by one slice of pizza, I keep telling myself it's not possible but then I keep feeling as though it truly is.
As the room spins and my head is warm and fuzzy it still manages to over analyze that one slice of pizza.
Cheese and avocado with qucamole and chicken... all of the bad stuff.
I desperately want to lose weight and I am eating next to nothing yet not losing a thing and now i am teriffied if I do eat something I will gain weight, I am scared that the one slice of pizza I ate today is making me gain, I look at my arms as I type and I swear they are getting fatter by the second.
I feel as though I am going to be sick.

I think I am hungry but it's 1am, definately not a time for food.
I promise to have something in the morning body - now sssshhhh it's time to go to sleep.
Tomorro i will  have a shake and some rice crackers!!

tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will wake up thin (i wish)

whywhywhy

i ate one slice of pizza today and it's all i can think about. whywhywhy...... i walked 40 mins to try and burn it off but I think it's too late I think it has made me fatter already :( I'm scared to sleep in case I gain even more.
In the last 2 days I have eaten
Fri: 1/2 a sandwhich and a fruit mince pie
Sat: 1 slice of pizza

I have not been for a run. I have only done 40 minutes of walking to the dvd shop and back today and shopping  too.

I feel as though I am gaining by the minute

I fainted yesterday at my work christmas party and my boss said - oh she's ok this happens often :/
How freaking embarassing is that!!!