Last time I came down to my sisters, they wanted to go out for dinner, just the 2 of them (they wanted friday night but ended up going thursday night) and now this time down here, its saturday and they have gone out for lunch with their friends and tomoro (my last full day in the UK) and they are going up to Reading to visit their friends and get some baby clothes.
I'm really NOT a visitor any more, im just someone who comes down and can babysit for them.
I know that they do loads for me, Kel always buys me cereal bars and whatever I need when we go shopping, but to be fair I never ask for any of that, and always try to say I will buy it but she just puts it in with her shopping.
I just wish one time they would want to take ME out to lunch or dinner or something. I know it must be hard for them to with Josh and I understand. I dont really mean to be moaning about this, cos I am truly greatful for everything they have done for me but sometimes I just get so lonley coming here. I feel like I get left out alot, and I know im not actually apart of their family but I dunno!!!
Just feeling a bit lonely, left out and sad today I guess!
I should be used to it from what i grew up with, but i guess the thing is, is that here, when i first came over and was ill, they were so good to me, they would want to include me and take me out and invite me places but now that im not ill they dont. I guess I miss being wanted!
Sunday, 19 September 2010
Friday, 17 September 2010
Sore stomach
So ive eaten my dinner and now i have a sore tummy - i dont know whether its all in my head cos i feel so guilty and fat for eaten or whether i do have a bit of an upset tummy.
I wish I didnt eat. I wish I didnt need food. I wish I didnt like food. I wish I wasnt me.
I wish I didnt eat. I wish I didnt need food. I wish I didnt like food. I wish I wasnt me.
Hunger Pains
When most people get hunger pains I imagine they would go and get something to eat but me when I get hunger pains, I first think - Oh my body is hungry and then if i dont get food within the first few minutes of feeling hungry I get excited. That voice kicks in, ana takes over and tries to convince me that hunger pains = weight loss and weight loss = happiness.
And then when I eat I feel guilty for giving in to food, and not being strong enough any more to starve and be a good anorexic. I am a failure at so many things, this was the one thing i used to be good at ... when will I be good again!?!
And then when I eat I feel guilty for giving in to food, and not being strong enough any more to starve and be a good anorexic. I am a failure at so many things, this was the one thing i used to be good at ... when will I be good again!?!
Monday, 6 September 2010
Saturday, 4 September 2010
pizza
The feeling that pizza gives me is partly that of satisfaction and partly that of disgust!
I ate 2 pieces of pizza and all i can think of is what it is doing in my tummy, what i would have given to have the freedom to run upstairs and empty my tummy so that there is nothing in there but the glass of wine I have just drunk!
I hate the guilt that I feel after eating, im sick of eating stuff that makes me feel this way!!!
I want to eat nothing so i feel nothing and then when i feel nothing, i can start to feel empty and feel thin again maybe!!
I ate 2 pieces of pizza and all i can think of is what it is doing in my tummy, what i would have given to have the freedom to run upstairs and empty my tummy so that there is nothing in there but the glass of wine I have just drunk!
I hate the guilt that I feel after eating, im sick of eating stuff that makes me feel this way!!!
I want to eat nothing so i feel nothing and then when i feel nothing, i can start to feel empty and feel thin again maybe!!
Thursday, 2 September 2010
"You Look Good"
One saying can have so many meanings... ever since I have been trying to get better I have known people will say "you look good" and "you look healthy" but I never thought it would affect me so much.
Yesterday Georgina told me I looked really good and today mum told me I look really healthy. I FEEL FAT!
I remember wishing on a shooting star when we were in Croatia - the first wish that came to mind was - I WISH I COULD BE THIN!
I am so fat now - I just wish i could be thin!!
I dont care about looking healthy and looking good - I want to look nice and thin!!
when will it happen?!
Yesterday Georgina told me I looked really good and today mum told me I look really healthy. I FEEL FAT!
I remember wishing on a shooting star when we were in Croatia - the first wish that came to mind was - I WISH I COULD BE THIN!
I am so fat now - I just wish i could be thin!!
I dont care about looking healthy and looking good - I want to look nice and thin!!
when will it happen?!
2 months away on tour!
So for the month of July and August I was away on a tour, travelling through Europe (yet to write a blog)
I had this big idea that I could pretend to be normal for the whole 49 days, but as soon as we went into a mcdonalds I knew I was far from normal. There are still all these rules that I have and views that I have about food and weight and after chatting to my tent buddy clare (who told me she had ana when she was 18) (she is now 25) I realised as much as I want to pretend Im ok my mind is nowhere near normal.
I only had a couple of freak outs, mainly when i ate after 9pm, sometimes i skipped meals but for the majority of the first 30 days (or at least till we went sailing) I was vomiting alot of my food.
I have never felt so guilty about being so huge and eating so much food that the only way i could feel remotely happy was to go to the toilets after dinner.
I then got really ill and couldn’t eat any way so that pleased me a bit.
I also had another girl (abbey who is 18) come up and ask me if I have an ED, she said she could see it, cos of the way I act around food, the little things I do while eating or when im finished eating and she said she has also noticed that i go to the bathroom after meals – it was nice to talk to her but it just made me feel worse, cos she told me how when she had ana when she was 16 (only for 1 year) the thing that helped her was her family and she said that she realised guys didn’t want a girl stick thin they want someone with some boobs and bum!
I didn’t tell her that i would prefer if a guy didn’t want me (or want to touch me) but i just felt worse, cos i know the only real support ive ever had is from my sister!!
The little things i did on tour were – covering my plate with a napkin when i had eaten enough and giving away a lot of my food to the guys (especially lunch and especially the guys, cos guys always eat!!) um i commented alot of another (random)girls walking down the street, how skinny their legs were, i didn’t like any bikini shots (that showed off my fat!!)
I managed to survive 49 days with normal people, but i realise now how much my friends and family avoid the topic of food and exercise and weight around me, cos the people on tour talked about it around me and didn’t know any different, it was really strange – it sorta made me feel normal, but also in a way it made me feel really uncomfortable, i didn’t know how to join in conversations about dieting and fav foods, cos i couldn’t exactly say “i don’t like food”
I am now back in the UK and i weighed myself this morning, i managed to lose 1 kg!! Which im really happy about!!
Off to Egypt next Tuesday lets hope i can lose some more weight!!
I had this big idea that I could pretend to be normal for the whole 49 days, but as soon as we went into a mcdonalds I knew I was far from normal. There are still all these rules that I have and views that I have about food and weight and after chatting to my tent buddy clare (who told me she had ana when she was 18) (she is now 25) I realised as much as I want to pretend Im ok my mind is nowhere near normal.
I only had a couple of freak outs, mainly when i ate after 9pm, sometimes i skipped meals but for the majority of the first 30 days (or at least till we went sailing) I was vomiting alot of my food.
I have never felt so guilty about being so huge and eating so much food that the only way i could feel remotely happy was to go to the toilets after dinner.
I then got really ill and couldn’t eat any way so that pleased me a bit.
I also had another girl (abbey who is 18) come up and ask me if I have an ED, she said she could see it, cos of the way I act around food, the little things I do while eating or when im finished eating and she said she has also noticed that i go to the bathroom after meals – it was nice to talk to her but it just made me feel worse, cos she told me how when she had ana when she was 16 (only for 1 year) the thing that helped her was her family and she said that she realised guys didn’t want a girl stick thin they want someone with some boobs and bum!
I didn’t tell her that i would prefer if a guy didn’t want me (or want to touch me) but i just felt worse, cos i know the only real support ive ever had is from my sister!!
The little things i did on tour were – covering my plate with a napkin when i had eaten enough and giving away a lot of my food to the guys (especially lunch and especially the guys, cos guys always eat!!) um i commented alot of another (random)girls walking down the street, how skinny their legs were, i didn’t like any bikini shots (that showed off my fat!!)
I managed to survive 49 days with normal people, but i realise now how much my friends and family avoid the topic of food and exercise and weight around me, cos the people on tour talked about it around me and didn’t know any different, it was really strange – it sorta made me feel normal, but also in a way it made me feel really uncomfortable, i didn’t know how to join in conversations about dieting and fav foods, cos i couldn’t exactly say “i don’t like food”
I am now back in the UK and i weighed myself this morning, i managed to lose 1 kg!! Which im really happy about!!
Off to Egypt next Tuesday lets hope i can lose some more weight!!
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