It IS an addiction

I now fully understand that self harm is an addiction.
The more I do it, the more I think about it, the more I crave, the more I want to do it, the more I do it.

8 weeks ago I was counting how many days I was self harm FREE now I am counting the days I am self harming. I'm up to day 20.

According to my psychologist, this is a slippery slope and I am only heading downwards....
According to the psychologist, this will progress in 2 directions only
1. I self harm so bad that I end up in the hospital (again) or
2. I overdose and end up in the hospital (again)

Great faith my psychologist has in my strength and capabilities I see. I guess she is the knowledgeable one, who has the MASTERS f*cking degree in "I understand" bull shit.

I don't want to be self harming.
But it feels so damn good when I do. Yes it is a short term relief, but right now a short term relief is all I want.

I don't want to lie to my psychologist, cos she wants to help me, and she only has 11 months to do so, so she needs to get working. I just don't trust her. I don't know her. I don't want to fail and disappoint yet another person.

Why does my method of stress relief have to be so damned frowned upon.
Why can't self harm, scars and open flesh wounds be socially acceptable like drinking and having sex (OK maybe they aren't that socially acceptable in all circles)

Who could ever understand the thoughts of a young woman who takes a sharp object to her wrist just to check she is still alive when the young woman barely understands herself.

Eating disorder versus Self harm - neither one is a step in the right direction but I feel so lost in transition I don't even know what direction even means any more.

Disassociation
Where am I? Where did I go? What am I doing?

Stop the world I want to get off 

Therapy Thursday FAIL

Therapy session
So tonight was an interesting session. I have self harmed 4 out of 6 and e said that I need to see the slippery slope I'm on only leads to me ending up in hospital from a. An overdose or b. from self harming so bad that I'd need stitches. She said i don't achieve anything from sled harming and yes it makes me feel good short term but what about long term. I tried to tell her that I can't see long term and I can't care about long term I just need to feel good right now. I tried to tell her that I don't know what else to do other than self harm and all she could say wasabi can understand that. I just wanted to scream YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
She said she is going to make me do things I don't want to do but if I want to get better then I will do it.
I want to get better but don't know how to do it.

This is do hard and she wants to help and I want her to help but telling me to do something doesn't give me the tools to do it. This is not easy.

I told her my suicide urges are high and that I'm self harming to stop me from killing myself. Maybe I am destined to kill myself? Maybe hospital is on the cards? I dont know but I'm scared of myself :/

I am being as honest as I can be with this lady but it's frustratin when her response is.... I understand that this is hard. Bullfuckingshit 

Comfort in what?

I sometimes take comfort in the fact that I know exactly what my eating disorder gives me.... Nothing
I know my eating disorder doesn't fulfill me, I know it doesn't bring me happiness or peace, I know it brings me lonliness and pain and not only pain internally for myself but pain for my friends (whoever they may be) and family (only really my mum, cos not alot of family know - it's too difficult for my mum to explain that her almost 25 year old daughter has had anorexia for almost 10 years but struggles alone and in silence)
At least I know where I stand with my eating disorder. I know what to expect.

Life on the other hand - I don't know what is next, I don't know what to expect and when. I don't like all this emotion bullshit. I hate emotions.

I want to starve but I don't cos it doesnt help but it does.
Why doesn't anyone care? Why doesn't anyone help?

Why do I have to keep choosing between my eating disorder and EVERYFUCKINGTHING else. I don't want to choose recovery I want it to choose me. I didn't choose my eating disorder why should I have to choose the opposite.

Someone save me from myself.
I am tired

Scared of life

I have spent years avoiding real life because I am scared, people ask me what it is I am so scared of and I never seem to have an answer.
I don't know what scares me the most - being alone, being healthy, having no identity, having no life, having an eating disorder/mental illness that NO ONE can see and NO ONE seems to understand (apart from you girls)

I was reading this blog and it said this...
It’s as if when I’m not eating, I feel the pain less, but I know I cannot sustain this indefinitely, and I’m terrified of having to rejoin life. I think if I started eating more, and feeling the pain, I could not go on, yet I know I must, for my kids.

It made perfect sense to me. I am scared of life.
My therapist keeps telling me that my eating disorder is a coping mechanism, a self harm all to do with my BPD but what if it's not. What if my eating disorder is the cause?!
What if my fear of life is causing the eating disorder?
Yes my eating disorder helps me cope with stress, but that's because i focus all my energy on my eating disorder and avoid the actual problem that is causing the stress.

As horrible as the eating disorder is, as much as I hate struggling and I hate having an eating disorder, life appears much more scary. I don't know if i will ever know what it is I am truly afraid of or if the fear is really real, but in my head it is and it is driving me towards anorexia yet again.

My eating disorder is like a merry go round at the fun-fair. I am drawn to it cos of the pretty lights, the noise it makes and cos I think it helps/I think it is what I need but in actual fact I forget that the merry-go-round doesn't take me anywhere, it just goes around and around in circles, the horses never change colour, nothing ever changes and as much as I want to get off and take a new direction I just can't seem to escape this.

I am at a cross roads and as much as i want to continue on the right path it is so incredibly hard, the eating disorder seems so easy and so comforting - why am i scared of life and living?!

Does this ever end?

I am struggling to get a grip. I am struggling to keep a hold of reality right now
I am sorry for tagging. You girls just all help me so much and I don't know how else to try and help myself

I'm supposed to just take it a day at a time, and just make a plan to get through the next meal time.
I'm supposed to just keep going 3 steps forward and 1 step back - so long as I am still moving forward
I'm am supposed to keep the bigger picture in mind whilst only planning one meal ahead.

I need to think of my health and why I am trying so hard to recover, why I am doing DBT, how I want to stop self harming and I want to be free.
I need to think of my work and how if I restrict and starve my brain of energy and fuel that I won't be able to concentrate, and if I can't concentrate I make mistakes and if I make mistakes I get in trouble and work slips
I need to think of my squash and how I want this year to be a competitive year and how I want to do well and to do well I need to eat to fuel my body to play and play well.

Joanne asked me at what point do I think of all of this and and what point will it make me eat something?
I said I wasn't sure, cos logically I can see I NEED to eat but emotionally I just can't justify it, physically I just can't do itWhere is the line that I am so close to crossing, back into full blown anorexia? I think I am damn close - after 4 months of trying to do well with eating, learning to cook, going out for dinners, enjoying new foods and now I am stuck and confused and hating it all.I don't want to starve.
I want to lose weight.
I don't want to struggle.
I can't eat.
I want to keep fighting this.
But unsure how.

Since coming home from Melbourne I have been good, I got a promotion at work, I partied lots and enjoyed dinners and drinks and social events but all I can think about is "must lose weight" "must stay in control" "must starve"

I HATE THIS ONGOING BATTLE. please take my eating disorder away from me. I don't want this. I want to keep going out and enjoying dinners

Does this ever end? Where does this end? when does the wheel of anorexia stop spinning? cos i don't want to be stuck but I just don't know how.
No one seems to know anything

DBT group session #1

Today was my first session of group DBT
it was horrible.
There was 6 of us and 2 people who took it.
1 guy kept interrupting the whole time and barking on about religion. 1 girl was new like me and kept hiding her face behind a scarf and making weird faces all the time
Another girl - when discussing the homework announced her brother had died on Saturday (which i felt totally sorry for her)

The thing is - group is not the time or place to discuss how crap things are for each person.
It went on for 2 and a half hours and it could have been completed in 1 hour but there was so much stopping and starting.

I don't mean to sound like a total ass, I do want to do this group. I want to learn these skills, but I can't be around those people. I am not like them. I mean, i know I struggle and have things to work through but I just felt like i should not be there. I need something that is going to help not frustrate me and waste my time.
I had to take time off work (3.5 hours) and it will be 3 hours out of every Tuesday. Work is something that grounds me and makes me feel good and in control and if i am missing work to go to a group i don't find beneficial then what the hell am i doing

I had an appointment with my GP this afternoon - and she asked me if i could create my own plan to get better, my own treatment plan what would it look like....

I would go away somewhere - somewhere we I could work through all my issues at once, not do DBT once a week to work on the self harming. Somewhere a therapist created a diary card specific for my struggles and somewhere where i could see her (the therapist) every day or every other day if i needed too. Somewhere where i was away from work, away from friends, away from real like to focus on myself and come out a new/better/recovered person.

I am seeing my psychologist tomorrow - cos i rang my key worker crying after group. I will talk to her tomorrow about it.

I just feel frustrated, guilty about work, stressed about work, like  my mind is in chaos, and like i am slipping backwards

My food intake since Friday is
Fri: Porridge
Sat, Sun & Mon: Nothing but water and tea and coffee
Tues: 1x passion fruit and 1/2 a banana and tea and coffee

I am having flashbacks and nightmares replaying what happened on Sat night, creating different endings in my head and none of them good.

I am struggling to get my thoughts together

I AM OVER STRUGGLING I HATE THIS AND I WANT TO BE NORMAL AND OKAY

Sat night - almost an assualt

'Ive had a horrible night
This may trigger (deals with assault)
you'll have to bear with me as i am so wired right now and it's 4.30am but i need to write this down

Last night went out with a friend Ryan and we had a wicked night, spent today together and all was fine.

Tonight we are all hanging out at the hotel and I had to go and meet my friend but we had planned on meeting up later.
Jamie (the chic there) has been out doing things all night (and still is apparantly)-'ive been txting her
Ryan's phone is flat so can't get a hold of him

We had planned on meeting at 1.30am at this club... Be Club. so i go - alone and try and be confident and Jamies says they'll be there soon. - they never turned up

I was dancing in my own little bubble quite ok, i had a few guys try and dance with me and i just sorta moved away and then went to the bathroom and one guy followed me in
I asked  him what he was doing and he said getting what he wanted, and i said - uh excuse me.....
to which he replied.. "I know, but I also know you have been playing hard to get all night and I know you want me"
I was sorta shocked and again said "excuse me, you need to get the hell away from me, i don't know who you are or what you think you are doing"
he just laughed and said - "don't worry i always get what i want"

I managed to lock myself in the toilet and when i said i was calling the cops he laughed and left.
I stayed there for about 30 mins and have then went straight home

This night has been so crappy!

Hush you

It's quiet but very loud. Everything feels as though it's moving in the opposite direction.
I am crying but hyper at the same time. Thinking super fast like my mind is stuck on super fast forward, but I'm not sure what I'm even thinking. I'm also moving in slow motion though. But how can this be? Doesn't one contradict the other. Can I really be moving super fast in slow motion?!
Sshhhh quiet now loud head, the buzzing, loud humming and noises need to stop. I must sleep so I can dream of good and being on diets and being thin so I can wake up fatter and less good enough than the crumbs of left over dinner on my floor.

Not enough for anyone

Struggling with it all:
Dad cancelling lunch on friday -makes me worthless, an unwanted daughter. Not good enough for my dad to want to see me
Brad (brother) angry last night when drunk- a stupid annoying sister (his words) not smart enough to know when to shut up
Flat mates all dieting - a fat lazy slob of a flat mate
Mum and friend talking about losing 3 kgs- a fat lazy worthless person who can't even lose weight
Troy not wanting to see me- not pretty enough, not fun enough, not good enough girl for a guy

Not good enough for anyone, anything but my eating disorder. This is what I deserve.

Spent the afternoon comforting my friend who broke up with her boyfriend.

Feeling drained and fat and disgusting

Want to lose 5 kgs. Must decide what is real and what is right

My weekly diary card is doing my head in

Dairy card
So my old diary card used to fit me better. Everything was graded from 0 to 10. On it was ...
Urges to 1. Suicide 2. Self harm 3. Quit therapy (graded from 0 to 10)
Then it had the emotions: sad, shame, anger, fear, guilt, happy, anxiety.
Next was for me to specify if I drank alcohol or took laxatives/diuretics.
Then it targeted my eating disorder and I had to specify my eating frequency for the day (ie b,l,d) then answer yes or no to purging. I then had to write the amount of time I spent exercising, answer Y or N to fainting.
Lastly was yes or no to 1. Did I self harm? 2. Open doors? 3. Skills used. It was on an a4 piece of paper and seemed to be much more targeted for me personally....

My new diary card is on 1/2 an a4 paper and has:
Urges to 1. Suicide 2. Self harm 3. Quit therapy.
Then the emotions are: pain, sad, shame, anger, fear, joy
Then yes or no to alcohol, prescribed medication, other meds or drugs. Then 2 blank areas and then yes or no to self harm, open doors, then the # of times I lied and then skills. All of this graded 0 to 5
I hate it. I hardly fill it out.
I told my new psych, I don't feel pain, I'm not on meds, and I dont lie. I told her I hate the word JOY and that sadness isn't a big emotion for me.
I really don't see the point in filling this out. It's not like it seems to matter at all :/
No one really cares or is attempting to help anyway

Not good enough... again

Struggling with it all:
Dad cancelling lunch on friday -makes me worthless, an unwanted daughter. Not good enough for my dad to want to see me
Brad (brother) angry last night when drunk- a stupid annoying sister (his words) not smart enough to know when to shut up
Flat mates all dieting - a fat lazy slob of a flat mate
Mum and friend talking about losing 3 kgs- a fat lazy worthless person who can't even lose weight
Troy not wanting to see me- not pretty enough, not fun enough, not good enough girl for a guy

Not good enough for anyone, anything any more. All I have is my eating disorder. I will be the best little anorexic you have seen (mum and dad) one day I'll be good enough for you all. I'll show you 

Flat Mates Who Diet

All my girl flat mates are on diets
2 are on atkins and 1 is on weight watchers
and then there is me

What I am doing but gaining weight?

How can I just sit back and watch them all get skinny, get happy and get confident.

Thin = happy
Thin = Confidence
Thin = Good

Fat = ME

TOFI

TOFI
Thin on the Outside... Fat on the Inside

Although I've gained weight I now feel FOFI (fat outside, fat inside)

I was watching TV this afternoon and this programme like Doctor Phil was on (doctor Oz i think it was called) and he said that BMI means nothing cos you can be fat on the inside. How the F do i work out how much body fat i have? Now i'm worried that not only have i gained so i'm fat on the outside but I am also fat on the inside as well :(

I hate myself 

I want to cut. I want to burn. I want to scratch

DAY 21 <- must focus on that

DAY 21 

DAY 21

 

STRUGGLING with recovery and weight gain and sickness and messiness

I've been sick (with a cold/flu/virus) since Saturday ... i left work early yesterday and have been at home in bed today. I just checked my emails and there is so much work stuff that is stressing me out. I am freaking out as i have a presentation tomorrow in front of a group of PA's/EA's at one of our biggest clients ... i haven't prepared and i hate speaking in front of groups. GOT LOTS GOING ON. and I dunno how to relive stress any other way :S
and my room is a mess cos i've been sick and haven't put my clothes away but i'm too tired to tidy it up.
I've been eating loads and trying to keep pushing through. 
I cancelled my appointment with my psychologist today cos i couldn't face it. :'( 
How do i pull myself together


I AM STRUGLING