Christmas Day 2008

So i had told myself that i could do it and that i could pretend to be normal and happy for at least one day.
I ate snacks - cheese and crackers and olives before our lunch. And had wine and ate some turkey and potatoes and bread sauce and other yummy things. And felt good - for a while.

Then i tried calling my best mate and no answer - and everyone was making jokes about her cos of where she works and i felt crap cos it was like they were making fun of me.
So i tried to call her again- no answer, then i tried calling my 2 other best mates and no answer either. Then all of a sudden i realised i was alone. I have no one.

It didnt help that i had alot of alcohol in my system. So i said good night and went upstairs. And cried and cried and cried. I then cut myself. A couple small ones on my legs then i did one on my wrist and it bled and i think it is quite deep. I have never seen it like this. And it hurts alot!!

So after doing all of that i still felt terrrible and tried calling my friends again but no answer.
I decided the only thing to do was to kill myself. I used my hair straightner cord and tied it in a noose around my neck and went out onto my balcony in the freezing cold and stood there crying.
I didnt want to do it but felt it was my only choice.
I kept thinking someone was gonna come save me but no one did.
I went back inside after maybe 15 minutes and then Milly called.

I didnt answer the first time but then she txt me and called again and i answered and she talked me out of it. It was what i needed, someone to show they care.

I realised too that i didnt want my sister or her friend or their young boys to find me cos thats not fair on them.
This is not the time or the place. And if i am to do it. I need to take sleeping tablets so its not horrible on the person that finds me.

For now i will just smile and pretend like im ok.

I told my sister i will even have desert today. So there may be more tears tonight!!

Im not too sure

How i feel at the moment. Im torn between the need to be thin and the want to be happy.

I want to be happy and i know that the only way i can truly be happy is by gaining weight and eating properly. But right now i feel the only way i can be happy is if i am thinner.

I have no motivation to starve though, this is the problem. I dont want to eat but i am enjoying food too much to give it up altogether.

Work is the worst cos i get so bored that i start eating. I even have crisps some days. I need to do something else when i feel hungry - i just havent figured out what that other thing can be.

It was easy in the bakery - i was surrounded by food all day that i just didnt feel hungry.

I dont know how i feel and what to do really.

So the last few days

Ive been feeling really crappy about myself.

I weighed myself and it said 52kg!! Thats like 114 lbs!!
I sat on my floor and cried!! And now i feel worse than ever, cos i not only have gained weight but i look like ive gained weight, my tummy is all fat and bloated and i jus wanna starve myself but i CANT!
Im eating! And i cant stop. I feel like i need to make the choice and stick to it. I swing between eating and starving and its killing me. Im not happy for eating. I look disgusting and feel even worse. I cant be happy eating so i need to stop eating. But i jus cant, i get so hungry and then eat.
I hate myself for it. I have no strength to say no. Even tho my head is screaming at me not to eat!

Im such a mess. This prob doesnt even make much sense. I jus feel so upset with myself for letting myself get into this state!!

Sick :(

So ive been sick the last few days full of the flu.

But im still eating.
Its strange, i actually acknowledge when im hungry and eat. Ive had toast every morning this week and lunch and snacks (even a choc biscuit) and dinner.
Just before i eat i suddenly have second thoughts but then eat anyway. And i still feel guilty after eating but i am trying to ignore it.

I havent felt empty hungry all week.

Thing is, im scared that this isnt gonna last. Im scared im gonna wake up one morning and be back in that horrible place being controlled and hating myself as much as i used to.
I dont wanna go back there, i actually feel happy - i feel good about things and im actually enjoying eating.

What am i gonna do if she comes back - cos every time this has happened she (anorexia) has come back stronger than ever.
I am trying so hard to keep her away. I will ruin everything if i let her take control again. Im just not sure if i know how to fight her off. I dont know if im strong enough.

I know she is not 100% gone, i still cry at night after staring at myself for ages in the mirror. I think i just have to realise i am never going to be thin enough or pretty enough, i may as well just get used to it and start living my life!

Nobody really likes people with problems, everyone has enough problems of their own to have to worry about someone else. So im gonna either
1. continue eating and if she comes back i am just gonna hide it from kelly so she doesnt get worried. or
2. pretend like everything is ok then when i move to london next year i wont have anyone around watching over me and i will be able to eat or not eat or do whatever i want!

Althought i must admit it is sort of nice to be worried about. Its nice to know that someone cares.
Sometimes i just wish it was my mum that would worry and care about me.

I dont know what to do sometimes. I feel like im going crazy!

I go through the mind set of yes yes i can do it, i really want to recover. Then all of sudden i change and i realise what a useless waste of space i am and how i will never recover or escape from this horrible existence.

I have good days - that dont seem to last very long any more. And on these days i am so happy i think "yeah i can do this, i want to be happy, i have the strength to do this"

Then i have the bad days that seem to last longer and longer and these days i am so moody and Kelly told me so... and i hate myself and feel i dont deserve food or help or anything and i lie in bed crying and actually think about ending it all!!
And now i have resorted to cutting myself - which i haven't done in months. Its such a good release, but i now it is so bad to do!

Why does this have to be such a battle, why cant i just choose recovery and that be it.. recover...
I am so angry at myself for being such a loser!!!

Massive Weekend!

So this weekend, i didnt eat too much as i went out to Ministry of sound on Friday. Had half a toasted sandwhich and some crackers for dinner. Then sat i had a packet of crisps and some crackers all day.
Thats the great thing about drugs... ya never feel hungry!!! :)

Ate food sunday tho. Had a roll with pork on it, then lunch i had a homemade burger and some chips then a couple cheese and crackers at 3pm and think we having soup for dinner.

Feeling bit sad today tho. I spoke to mum on skype this morning, and she said that next time we speak on skype could i at least put some make up on. I was really hurt. I cant help but take comments like that seriously.
I stared in front of the mirror for ages trying to convince myself that im not ugly and mum didnt really mean that. But then i firgued i may as well just get used to it. Im not a pretty girl. not much i can do about it!

Feeling Good

So for the last few days ive been feeling ok. Feeling like i can do this -again.

I dunno whats changed. But something has changed again. But this is what happens. It goes in cycles. I wonder how long it will last this time??

I had a bit of a melt down on Tuesday night, my brother in law asked me if i wanted to go for a run and i said no. And then felt instantly fat and lazy! Like he was doing exercise and i wasnt so that made me fat and lazy!
I went upstairs and sat on the floor and cried for a bit. Then when i went back downstairs my sister just wouldnt let it go. She kept asking what was wrong and i eventually told her how bad i was feeling. How lazy and disgusting i felt. For once she didnt seem to get angry she just said she doesnt know what to say to make me feel better but i shouldn feel like that cos i walk to work and back everyday and just cos i dont go for a run doesnt make me fat or lazy!

So ive been having lunch and dinner all week. And this morning i had a piece of toast for breakfast. I feel good too. I havent got on the scales for a few days and like i said to kelly, i dont wanna get on the scales and see that ive put on heaps of weight cos then i will just be upset. And im feeling good i dont wanna ruin it!

Catch up....

Friday - went to the pub for lunch with work... i had a cider and an omlette... felt full but didnt have anything else. Went back to the pub after work and got drunk then got home just in time for dinner :( only had a piece of pizza and some garlic bread. Sat there for ages looking at another piece of pizza and i really wanted it, but just couldnt bring myself to get it. I think if i had been offered it i might have agreed. But i couldnt get it on my own.

Saturday - Left early for Paris. Had a coffee, at St Pancras, was gonna have something else but there was only sweet stuff there so didnt want anything.
And i was hungover so coffee and orange juice did me just fine. Had no lunch. And arrived in Paris at 2pm. Had starbucks later and went halves with kelly in some toasted sandwhich and bagel.
Went and checked out a mall and then went out for dinner. Had some pate as an entree` and salmon as a main. Had a talk to kelly about lots of things.. she ended up telling me that contrary to what i thought, she is not actually comfortable with herself and hates her body. That was really upsetting to hear cos it was so nice to be around people who arent dieting all the time or comparing them selves to me (my mum)

Sunday- Oh my gosh! I had breakfast! I had an apricot thing with my coffee at starbucks and immediatley felt horrible.... I was trying to hide it from my sister tho! But i think she knew.
We then spent 3 hours biking around Paris, just at a leisury pace but still some exercise. Had a late lunch and it gets worse... I had french onion soup which was yummy! And THEN i had a chocolate crepe!! I cant quite believe it. I sat there for ages staring at it and couldve easily not eaten it but didnt want to waste the money!!
Dinner that night was at Hard Rock Cafe and i had a steak sandwhich thing and chips...
Did loads of walking throughout the arvo and evening but i still lay awake at night thinking about what i had eaten, and felt disgusting!

Monday- So had breakfast again - had a piece of french toast with my starbucks coffee... I didnt feel too bad but cant shake that guilty feeling... like i am doing something horrible. Even tho my sis tells me im doing something fantastic... it sure doesnt feel like it. Did loads of walking then had lunch at 2pm, had a big lunch cos we had a light dinner ... lunch was escargot (snails) as my entree` and steak and chips and wine. Then had some pringles on the eurostar home and coke zero... then noodles for dinner...

I felt ok with eating food this weekend cos i keep justifying that i was doing plenty of walking but i weighed myself when i got home and was 51kgs ... 112lbs... So 2 kgs heavier than when i left so had a bit of a melt down and did loads of quiet floor exercises while balling my eyes out.
But got up this morning and felt ok. Fat but ok.
I had lunch today and had more pringles.. i think ive had about 600 or 700 cals so far, dont actually know for sure.
I am full right now. Im trying not to hate myself for feeling full.
I think im doing well too, I feel ok.