Wonderland

3.06 am lazing in my own wonderland
Not sleeping, not eating, but living and smiling

What does tomorrow bring?
Another trip down the rabbit hole

I can stop paying when I'm normal

Today my mum cane to my appointment with my psychologist... She wanted to find out "the plan" and to know that things were/are moving forward and that ultimately I don't overdose, again and die...
All went well then driving back to work and I ask her how much I still owe her out of the $8000 I've been paying off to 2 years, she tells me it's not important and i re-ask telling her I want to save for a trip to the uk again. She then tell me that when "you're happy, healthy and normal you can stop paying me money"
I'm so hurt, I cried so much when I got back to work. Its like she wants to understand mental illness but just doesn't. I can't control this. I don't want this. I would give anything to be "normal" I can't just switch it off to save myself money.
Would she say that to someone with cancer. "when you get over cancer then you can stop paying me"
It's not fair. I don't want to be struggling. I don't want to hate myself. I don't want to look at myself in the mirror and wish I was skinny, pretty or not even here.
What if I never get better? What if I'm never normal?
I feel so worthless.

Don't know what to say ...

A close friend of mine is going through a very tough time. Her 15 year old daughter has run away for the almost 20th time this year. Her daughter is known to police and cyfs (child, youth and family) and my friend and her husband are at their wits end. She broke down at work today and said she's done. She's ready to disown her daughter cos she just doesn't know what to do anymore.
I wish there was something wise and helpful to say but I just end up listening and giving her a big hug. I feel so young and nieve when it comes to giving advice. I feel incapable of helping as I don't know how. I said to her "I wish I knew what to say to help" and she just said there isn't anything anyone can say :(
I am feeling sick with worry about her daughter and the family and I wish I could do more

The cast is coming off

Tomorrow is the day the cast comes off and yes I am excited but I'm also scared.
It's been the reason behind my restricting- with no exercise there is no eating but after tomorrow I can exercise which means I will be "allowed" to eat and that scares me.
I've pushed away "good" friends and replaced them with "party/drug" friends and to be with my eating disorder cos it feels safe and neutral but after tomorrow the cast comes off, the excuse is gone- there is no reason for my disordered eating and drug taking and behaviour.
An excuse for my eating disorder validates it in some way and in turn makes it ok.
Everything has to have a reason otherwise it shouldn't exist... What is my reason without my cast?

Then there is squash.they have put me in the team for nationals and I don't know if I am up to it, if I can compete. I don't want to let people down. I don't want to fail. And I'm not sure I can reach that level in 6 weeks. It means eating more and that scares me.
I just don't know if I can do it