Random...

If I ever push you away, I don't really mean too.
When I say I don't want to talk about it, I do, I just don't have the right words

I am struggling between a desire to be perfect and the need to be healthy. I am yet to find the line.

When I get really quiet sometimes, it's because I have so much to say but I don't have the words to get the thoughts out of my head and into my mouth. I have so many things to say, I don't know where to start.

I get scared that if I tell you all you will run away, and worse, I can't blame you.

I am terrified of "getting better" yet more scared of dying from this

I don't know what my emotions are, because most of the time I feel numb and I try to put emotions into words and it comes out as "I'm OK"

Inside my head is a mess of thoughts, fears, habits, words, emotions, cravings and dreams all tangled up in a preoccupation with the past and a yearning for a future.

I don't know where I am going or where I came from, the past looks like a blur and the future seems so far away that I can't see what's right in front of me

I am inperfect, I am broken, I am flawed, I am lost

Feeling....

not good enough
Work is stressful, lost confidence, think I am doing everything wrong.
Jordz doesn't want to hang out with me, thinking she doesn't like me - i am worthless and not a good friend
one of MY close friends who moved to Perth a little while ago is trying to convince my best friend (who she was NEVER friends with) to move there... it's all over facebook.... why?
She knows J is my best friend why does she want to take her away?

DBT skills group isn't going well - i am dumb and quiet and never know what to say, the other lady is really interactive and knows everything. I am dumb and useless

FAT - FAT - FAT

That is all

Dear Ms Psychologist Lady Person

I haven't heard from you in 13 days, do you not like me anymore?

Do you not want to see me any more? Do you find me annoying? Am I too fat? Am I too worthless and not worth saving? Are my emotions to irregular and too much?

Maybe I am too paranoid? Too self absorbed? Not enough? not good enough for you? Not sick enough for you? You probably have lots of other people who are worthy of help. I am nobody and nothing!

Why did you have to get sick on my day when I haven't seen or spoken to you in so long. Why couldn't you be sick on Saturday instead of Friday? Why haven't you called me like you said you would? You said you would call me Monday to see how I am, and you haven't? Are you not going to call me? Am I not going to get better? I have been restricting again, and self harming a lot. I know you don't want me to but I don't know what else to do. Everything is crap and you won't talk to me to tell me not to do it so I think I should.

I think about killing myself again, and doing it properly this time. But then I'm not sure if I am doing it cos I actually want to die or if I am just doing it so you will want to help me again.

Maybe now that I have gained weight you think I am not that sick anymore, well i can be sick again. I don't want you to not talk to me. You knew what to say and you had me believing that I could get better but now I just feel less hopeful and less wanted :( 

Mr Nobody

Just call me Mr Nobody. It's easy for people to tell you not to kill yourself but then do they actually care, they are just saying the right thing. Of course no one wants someone they know to kill themself, but do they actually stick around after you don't do it?! 

I told a couple of my friends about my overdose and how I was scared to be alone, yet none of them want to hang out withe me. Who can blame them. I am messed up. 

I am a loner. I am a f*cking loser. 

You say you love me, but I really don't think it's true. I think you are just saying the right thing at the time. It makes you feel better about being a friend. 

I know you don't really like me, I know you find me annoying and in the way. I know I am not really wanted here. 

I haven't spoke to my psychologist in over a week, it was last Wednesday that I last seen her, I was kind of hoping she was going to call this week and then she txt me this morning to cancel our appointment cos she is sick. My doctor (GP) also cancelled due to a double appointment, neither of them have spoken to me in a while. No one really cares. 

I like Melodie but I think she is done with me. 

I am in a very weird mood. I am slightly paranoid :/ Ha just slightly?! Ok A LOT paranoid. 

I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want this life. I don't deserve this life. 

That is all

I feel like a child again, like I am learning how to re-do everything. It's as if the way I have learned EVERYTHING so far is all backwards.
I didn't learn how to eat properly, i certainly never learned to cook. I didn't learn how to stand up for myself and that shows by my teenage years being bullied, my lack of assertiveness in my daily life now, not just with work but with friends and every day people. I didn't learn love or hate, I didn't learn ANYTHING at school.
I never learned how to ask for help, and I didn't learn when I needed it. I think that is one of the biggest learning curbs I am facing, is knowing when I need help and how to ask. I have these dark thoughts and I think, it's ok, I can handle it and before you know I have downed 100 panadol (no i haven't done it again) It's knowing when to actually stop and think maybe I do need someone to help, someone to tell me not to do it and to tell me I don't have to do it cos I can use my words. The problem with that is what if I don't know what words to use, so many times my therapist asks me what I was feeling and my 90% of the time is exactly the same a shrug followed by an " I don't really know" How do you know that the feeling you are having is fear/saddness/anger/anxiety/depression/joy/shame/guilt/love I feel like all these emotions are just words and that unless i have some physical evidence to an emotion then it isn't an emotion.
I know I am having an anxiety attack because my heart races and I get sweaty, shaky and hyperventialte (the typical panic attack) So most of the times when i think I am "feeling" something I usually just go with
Anxiety - over people
Guilt - over food
Shame - over myself
and then there is the saddness because I don't really know why i am even feeling anything at all. And then there is the numb feeling that you wake up with in the morning, the one that as you open your eyes and let in the first beads of light, your body tenses up and you stretch and don't feel anything apart from your body tensing and relaxing and for 20 seconds you lie still not having an emotion reaction and you think this is good, then you fully open your eyes and realize that you are alive and you have to face another day of not really knowing what you are feeling or why.

I don't really know where I am going with this, I guess I am in a weird mood, lying in bed, pondering my DBT group and how she asked me what i was feeling when we first started, it was my first night so i shrugged my normal shurg and said anxiety- it sounded like it fit perfectly. There were little pictures of cartoon faces on the page to help us describe what emotion we were feeling but there wasn't a numb face there, no picture to describe empty, hallow (not pyschically obviously) (I WISH) but worthless and lifeless from the inside out. That is what I feel.

That is al

To S.H Or not to S.H

That is the question i am playing over and over in my head.
I am trying to decide whether i can fight this feeling off or whether one small little cut will be OK.

Why do i want to cut?! I want to feel something different. I want it to feel good when right now I feel like such a loser. at home on a sat night cos no one wants to hang out with me. I am too much hard work, i am too not normal for everyone.
They all go out drinking and dancing and having fun but I can't do that cos i have panic attacks and freak out - i don't kiss boys cos i am terrified they will rape me.
I want to cut cos cutting is something that makes me feel normal, in a weird sort of way. It makes me feel better about myself

My psych is trying to help me figure out why i cut. and I struggle to find words why I do it - i just do it cos i always have
when i feel low or worthless or horrible about myself I cut. Why not?!

I am now trying to decide if i should or not, which is VERY not like me - I am sitting in bed thinking of the DBT stuff I am slowly learning in therapy - the mindfulness, the distractions. But I keep thinking how good it would feel to run the blade across or down my wrist- just one small cut it will all be OK.

I haven't been drinking so I will be able to stop myself, I will feel the pain and it will be OK. I will stop.

I have my little box of "tricks" next to me all ready to go.

maybe I will try and distract myself - well technically I already am - facebook/blogging is one of my distractions - does it count if I am blogging about my WANT/NEED to self  harm?! cos i don't know if that's the most appropriate thing to be blogging about to distract myself!! LMFAO
Hmmmm what else can i do?!
Shower - it's too late and I'm in bed
TV - nothing is on
Movie on laptop - can't concentrate cos my thoughts are racing

It's like I want this thought to pass right now before I act on it but at the same time I want to act on it?!?!?!?

Being sober SUCKS - at least if i was drinking I would have done it by now and be done with it :s