To make myself feel better too

My cousin came home from her sunday session, drunk and made herself sick. She said that she is so drunk and feels so much better now that she has been sick.
I am sitting here thinking I need to make myself sick to make myself feel better.
I need to feel better - I need to feel something, anything and I'm not sure how. I keep thinking starving makes me feel better but it doesn't fill the whole i have inside of me, it only makes me emptier. I then get so hungry that i eat anything and then think it's ok cos i have lost weight and felt better cos i had lost weight that i can eat and it will be ok but then I can't stop eating and then i feel fat and guilty for eating and then start purging, which helps with the guilt, cos i empty my stomach and empty my head of the food thoughts but only feel worse cos I end up with a head ache and a pain in my chest yet I am still fat. So then I cut and cutting always makes me feel better except it hurts and its not the right sort of pain. I don't know what pain I actually want. Cutting used to fulfill that hole but now it just hurts and it doesn't help.
So next I will starve cos I have gained enough weight and now can't stand the sight of my fat body and the cuts i have created all over myself are hurting but stinging hurting so I need to hurt myself on the inside to stop the pain on the outside!

It's been a tough week

It's all really hard.
First Gus breaks things off with me (I thought I hadn't let it affect me but I can't help but wonder why I'm not good enough for him)
Last saturday when my mum used me as an example of what not to turn out like, how not to be.
I started to question myself and really look at myself. Then during the week my flat mate/cousin/best friend - J was getting super close to my other good friend T. They were working together during the day and then talking about work and I was kinda being left out. Then on Wednesday I kinda had a fight with J about it all. She told me i was being silly  (which i probably was) but when  I am already feeling crap then the paranoia kicks in and I start thinking everyone is against me.
Work was hard, I am feeling inadequate and like I'm not doing my job properly.
I cut really bad on wednesday night :/
Thursday night I have squash, superchamps, what i have been training for for the last 3 months and my coach tells me he won't be playing me cos i am just a reserve (which i can understand)
I didn't go to work on Friday - took a mental health day! Just really wasn't motivated to do anything.
I got really drunk thurs and fri night - after my squash team making me feel sh*t i thought why not. Alcohol helps.
I've purged almost every night - not eaten much but drunk LOTS
Saturday and we have made it into the finals on Sunday - 1 team member (our number 1) can't play another team member (MY MUM) is injured so didnt play saturday and instead of them playing the reserve (me) they have decided mum is going to play and be the sacrifical player. Making me feel really crap!
Then mum says to me "its OK i still think you're a good player" <-- patronizing me making me feel even lower.
I know I should look at my folder of information with all the skills and distractions about how to help myself but I haven't eaten all day and I don't feel good enough for anything right now.
I have 3 options of things to do tonight and all I feel like doing is curling up in a ball and being alone!

cutting...

There were times when she thought she didn't need to do it anymore, times when she thought she was done with it. Cutting made her feel like she was... special, like she had something. She liked having the ability to inflict pain whenever she wanted, and she liked that she could stop it. Not that she really wanted to. When she thought she was done, it made her empty, unsure if this was really living. She would ask herself if this was happiness, and told herself that if it was, she hated it. Cutting made her feel different then everyone else, but she also knew that other people did it for the same reasons, that made her feel that she was a part of something. Then there were times when the tears from her eyes burned a path down her cheek, and her throat was so tight she couldn't scream no matter how much she tried. Those times she would find relief only by cutting up her skin and bleeding out all the painful screams. The pain of living altogether flowed from one simple cut. She didn't care where she cut, arms, legs, stomach, or wrists. As long as she keeps cutting she can live to tomorrow.

Weird

Christie emailed me today and asked if there was something weird going on that she was being kept in the dark about....
I feel like telling her - everything that is going on with me is weird and yes she is being kept in the dark.
She knew about Gus breaking things off with me and yet didnt think to txt me to ask if I was ok?
And then emails me to ask if there is something weird going on?! Seriously!?

So annoyed.
Jordan asked for her number, wonder what she will say!!!!!

 

At a certain point you cross that line...

And you can't help what you're doing...

And the eating disorder owns you....

And all bearings on reality and maturity are lost..... 

Feeling......

This weekend I went away for my brothers 21st birthday. I told myself on Friday that I was going to have a good weekend, that my eating disorder was going to be on the back seat and I was going to let loose.

Friday night we were drinking and I had so much fun. Jordan always makes me laugh and wants me to have fun! 

Saturday morning I even cooked breakfast for everyone in the house (bout 12 people) I ate some too. 

I initially thought of the calories. Wondering what sort of bacon it was (brand wise) so I could think about the calories. I thought about the scrambled eggs and how it was made with full FAT milk and calculated that the whole pan had probably 1800 calories all up, I looked at the white bread and had a quick peek at the back of the bread bag and thought to myself how could I burn 150 calories?

But then when breakfast was served, over the screaming voice in my head telling me that the bread was going to clog up my arteries and make me vomit, that the oil the bacon was cooked in was going to get stuck in my liver and I’d never be able to pee again..... Over all of that I ate 3 pieces of bacon, 1 slice of white bread with a very small bit of butter (yes full fat butter) on it. I couldn’t eat the whole piece but I got pretty close!

We went and played paintball and I was extremely hungover, I ate some salted crisps (my biggest weakness especially when I’m hungover) and had a beer (200) I played paintball and while playing and running around I wondered how many calories I was burning but told myself to shut up and play!!

Lunchtime I was cooking again (its easier to be in control when you’re cooking) I was bbq’ing sausages. I ate 2, in bread with onion and sauce! (I couldn’t add the calories so I thought F YOU ANA I’m eating these)

That afternoon, I snacked more than I have ever snacked. I copied everyone else, when they said I’m hungry and got food I got food (still couldn’t admit out loud that I was hungry) But I ate more crisps and had another cold sausage (it was hard to try and keep up and I found myself comparing the way I ate to the others) but I tried to listen intently to their conversation and not get caught up in the voices in my head.

Saturday night we drank again and at the end of a massive night one of the guys bought some hot chips and said do I want some? My head was screaming NO NO NO FAT FAT FAT but I took a deep breathe and said “Sure” and I watched as he put sauce on his fat chips I copied and watched him put one into his mouth while talking about finding a taxi – I copied. It was one of the hardest things I did. I tried to keep up with him at eating but that proved to be too hard. He was a guy and ate like 5 at a time, I ate 1 at a time but I ate most of the punnett! When he asked me if they were yummy, I got a little awkward but replied with “I think so!” and he laughed!

I had a good weekend, I felt/feel fatter than life itself. But I had a good time. I drank, I laughed, and I kissed a boy.

**More about this boy – I hooked up with an army boy and I didn’t want to sleep with him, I just got really cuddly and wanted to be cuddled – he wanted more and kept trying to kiss me but all I wanted was him to hold me and tell me that he loved me (even though that would have been VERY wrong of him to say) I just wanted someone to like/love me and feel loved.

I still do. I feel like I am craving love?! I have never been like this before. It’s very odd!

I don’t know what I am feeling now. I feel bloated and fat and that voice is saying to me – I’m glad you had fun but now you are fat and you don’t want to be fat forever!

So many of the guys kept asking me about Jordan and if she was single... no one asked me if I was single, and I’m wondering if it’s cos I’m so fat and she is so pretty and fun and outgoing!! And I’m, well.... me

Fatty

Hungry?

My friend Teresa has come to stay cos I didn't want to be alone and I have had such a crappy day that we sat on the couch for ages, I know she wanted dinner but I didn't want to admit that I did too. I was scared of what she would think if I asked if we got dinner, so I avoided it all night.
I sat there and waited for her to bring it up, if she had have suggested it I probably wouldn't have objected, I would have gone with it. But I couldn't bring it up and ask that we have dinner. I didn't know how. I didn't know what to say. I could NEVER admit I was hungry - especially cos I don't think I am hungry and I don't want her to think I'm hungry cos then she may think that I am greedy and fat.

Then i felt so bad that we hadn't eaten so I heated up her some risotto from last night.
I have eaten.
I want to eat cos I know I should. But I don't want to eat cos I am too scared to do it in front of her.
We have never spoken about my eating disorder but I think she knows, she knows I see a dietican and a psychologist etc so she must know.
I am struggling tonight and I don't know how to say it.
I am not hungry - am I?

I feel like such a terrible friend, a terrible host and a terrible person. 

I want to be able to say "let's go get Chinese/burgers/Indian for dinner" But the words just couldn't come out.
I wanted to suggest pizza or ice-cream or takeaways but how does a fat person suggest something fattening?

I AM USELESS.... MY ED IS TAKING OVER MY LIFE! :(

wine

I'm now drinking wine cos i have this illusion that it will make me feel better. I drink to forget, i drink to remember, I drink to feel.

I will NOT self harm tonight. I will drink my wine, i will not binge and purge any more tonight.

I will go to sleep wishing I didn't have to wake up! :'(

The Talk

I just got "the talk" from Gus. He called to say that he wants to break things off with me - he said he is confused about what he wants. He isn't normally such an affectionate person and the way he was with me, wasn't who he normally is and he doesn't know what that means for himself. He is confused and he thought he was over his ex - Jen but obviously hanging out with me he isn't sure. He found himself slipping into old habits (like he had with Jen) thinking bout txting me all the time and being so loving.......

I don't know what to think.
I'm really hurt/Sad/Angry.

I'm hurt cos I really like him and really enjoy hanging out with him, I like that he liked me and it made me feel happy! I'm sad cos I do like him and I was thinking this is something really good. And I'm angry at myself for falling for him so quickly. I got so comfortable and let myself like him and admit to him and myself that I like him. How could I have been so stupid
I think I am destined to be alone forever!!

FML

I ate dinner.... and purged!

So tonight I went out for a meal with mum and Keith. I thought to myself, I'm doing ok so yeah maybe I will join them for dinner!
We went to a little local resturant - and shared an entree of Antipasto platter -
I ate: 1 piece of melba (type) toast with some pate and some lettuce and olives (about 5)
for my main I ordered calamari and salad but it was so floury and horrible I couldn't eat it (even mum agreed)
I was sitting there trying to listen to the conversation but all I could think about was what the salad dressing was - wondering how many calories are in it - if they use a light dressing on the lettuce.
I drank water cos I didn't want to have too much wine since I was eating as well.... can't have too many calories
I left feeling OVER full and fat and generally disgusting. I wasn't happy with my food choice and the food I had put into my body (I had eaten a sausage at mums earlier - and I hate sausages!)
On the drive home all I could think about was getting home so I could purge it all out!
I got home and that was the first thing I did - i purged until my throat hurt yet I still feel fat and full and disgusting. My belly is sticking out over my legs and I feel sick and horrible.

I now want to cut cos I feel so full and bloated and horrible.

I feel like I have let myself down by allowing myself so much food. I feel like I should be doing better than this.
I want to eat healthy and lose weight in a healthy way, I want to be thin but allow myself to eat sweets and dinner! I just want the control back!

Breakfast vs Dinner

So for the last 3 days I have eaten breakfast - but I now havent had dinner.
I am not hungry and i am kick starting my metabolisim by eating in the morning so therefore i need to keep a balance right?

Right now I am feeling - hungover, fat, guilty and angry at myself for eating sweets.
Why do i allow myself to do this - where is the control gone?

I got weighed on Wednesday at the dietican and i am 50kgs -she isnt overly concerned - is that cos i'm fat?

I'm seeing this guy -Gus he is really amazing - he knows all about my ed and the rape and is truly amazing!! He has said that we will take things at my pace and although he wants to get me into bed he can understand my reluctnace and wants me to feel ready for anything!
he really is making me happy
He seen my scars on thurs night and asked why i cut - and i said i'm not sure, sometimes i feel i deserve it and sometimes it helps me feel something and release something else!
he said he doesnt understand it at all but hopes i dont want to do it while i'm with him
then today (sat) he said that it does concern him (my cutting) cos he doesnt want to treat me any differently and if he wants to end things with me he wants to be able to do that without worrying i may hurt myself so i had to reassure him, the self harming is a coping mechanism

I'm up and down at the mo.
I want to be happy - esp with gus but i also dont want to gain weight.
he said i look sexy at the mo, i am definately thin but i'm not TOO thin.....
Now all i want is to be TOO thin - why?????

I am drinking a beer wondering why i can't be thin <---- SERIOUSLY 
Time for a smoke !! I'm lost!

Lunch

Maree wants to have lunch with me - she has been wanting to have lunch with me for the last 2 months and I have finally said I will try it this week. I don't know why i am so scared of taking this next step towards recovery. It has been so built up and i am terrified that she is going to see me eat and think I am recovered. Or that I am not really ill. And i am scared of being normal and healthy again. Is it kinda bad to say that I like being ill. :/

Yes I am anxious about the food, the location, how i will feel on the day but I am more scared of what will happen next!! 

My friend Laura has said she will come with me as like the middle person, cos she has been with me when i have eaten before so it should make it easier. but that scares me more i think. What if i can't do it and Laura see's how silly I actually am. Or Maree thinks I am ok and doesnt want to see me again!!

Pro's & Con's

Last night I had the urge to cut, I lay in bed thinking about whether I should or not. I had that little voice telling me I should cos I deserve it. But i kept trying to challenge it.
I ended up turning on my light and making a pro's and con's list...

Pro's of cutting:
* makes me feel better
* It hurts
* I feel as though I deserve it
* Helps to release something

Con's of Cutting:
* It hurts
* It leaves scars - which people will see and question me or think less of me.
* have to wear long sleeves or bracelets
* It will hurt playing squash tomorrow and I won't be able to be the best at my game

Pro's of NOT cutting:
* Less scars, less explaining to do about scars, band aids, bracelets, long sleeves
* Doesn't help in the long run
* No Pain
* I am fighting it - fighting myself and winning


Con's of NOT cutting:
* Go to sleep feeling crap 
* No Pain


So at 11pm last night I sat writing my list - i think the list making itself actually helped. 
And this morning, I am glad I didn't do anything. I still feel the urge to do it, mainly cos I feel so fat and disgusting and I know I have gained weight - I am too scared to step on the scales and find out. I need a day of fasting but I have to play squash, but that's a whole other blog!


Bottom line is - i won for once!

Affraid?

I'm not really sure what it is that I am scared of when it comes to Gus.
He told me last night that he really likes me and I really like hanging out with him, he makes me feel happy.
but at the same time I have this urge to run away before he gets too close

He tells me he likes me and I say I like him too and then I wonder what happens next?

What if he hurts me? What if he moves too quickly? What if I can't get close to him? What if I won't let myself get close to him? What if he wants to sleep with me and I am scared?

He said last night that he wants me to stay next weekend so he can cook me breakfast on Sunday morning...
What if he then sees how hard things are for me with food, and doesn't like me anymore.
What if he wants to sleep with me?

I think I like him - and that scares me!!

Happy, Healthy. Skinny

so this week has been pretty full on - busy busy at work, but my boss is really happy with my work and wants to send me on some training stuff to train me up to be a proper recruitment consultant!!!

I've been having a real mixed week emotionally.
Gus came round on Wednesday night for dinner and he told me his ex gf was raped on sat night and started to go into detail about the assault - i had to just get up and walk away cos it was far too much information for me!!
I think i like Gus. I am also a little scared about the fact that I like him. What if he hurts me, what if he doesn't like me, what if he pushes things too fast and i can't handle it. I haven't been with someone (like a relationship) for about 4 years. I haven't liked anyone since 2006. I am desperately trying to NOT over-analyze this and just go with the flow.
He is a little bit older than me - 35 - but he is really lovely and down to earth and easy going and i hope that being with him (cos it makes me happy) will help with my ed.?.

Eating wise, this week has been all over the place- with bingeing and purging, eating and periods of starving. :/
I am really embarrassed to admit that I have been eating all sorts of crappy foods- chocolate and sweets and all sorts. I am such a failed anorexic. and I feel guilty for letting myself slip up. I want to recover and I want to get better but this is not recovery - this is something else. I need to be able to eat normally and healthy. Bingeing on sweets isn't normal!! FML

What else?! I constantly have that little devil on my shoulder telling me this happy feeling (i just won a squash game and am in the finals tomorrow so feeling pretty good) isn't going to last and that I am destined to binge and be fat forever!!

I can't tell Maree ( my ed lady who i see weekly) cos i am so embarrassed, she wants to have lunch with me on Tuesday but what if i eat with her and she then thinks that I'm ok and that it's done and doesn't want to see me anymore. What if this whole time she has been thinking I am a fraud and I am too fat to have an eating disorder so if i eat with her, then she will just think I am "recovered" or "normal" and what if i'm not - what if I'm still struggling mentally and emotionally but can eat some food. - is that recovered? is that normal?
I seen the dietican on Wednesday - that was good - she said that she wants to help me develop a healthy relationship with food and that doesnt necessarily mean gaining TOO much weight, cos i could stay on the lighter side of a healthy BMI. Which in theory sounds all good, so why is it so difficult for me to want this.
Being on the lighter side of healthy is fine - its healthy and i would be free of all this turmoil going on inside my head but its the whole - being healthy that scares me (I don't even know why) why do i want to sick? why do i want to keep my eating disorder all to myself?
and why is it so hard for me to be completely honest with all these people who are trying to help me!????????

I want to be healthy, happy, free, perfect, loved and SKINNY as hell!! is that too much to want?