excitment turns to something else

 I was so excited about getting made permanent - and i told my cousin and she just sorta shrugged it off. No congratulations or anything.....
Makes me feel like sht really

Ok I'll Admit it

i will admit that i have an eating disorder, i will also admit that things are alot worse than i like to pretend they are. I feel guilty for even admitting that!
I went out for dinner tonight with 2 friends, to a vietnamese restuarant. I was freaking out. I didnt kno the calorie content, so i didnt know what to order. We all chose a dish each and shared and i couldn decide so let them chose for me. I couldn join in the conversation cos i was thinking too much about how many cals were in what i was eating, and mentally adding them up.
And now im sitting on the train and realised i didnt enjoy myself, not cos of my company or cos of the food, but cos of this eating disorder. I was so worried and nervous i couldn relax. They dont know bout my ed but im pretty sure i was hard to be around tonight- and now i dont know whether to say something to them or not. Cos i feel like i should apologize, cos i was very awkward and quiet when the food arrived. And prob seemed grumpy or rude. I hated being out for dinner. I would much rather eat my own food, in my own house, at my own time.

I had 1 glass of wine, 1 mini fresh rice roll, 2 bite size pumpkin pieces- done in some sauce thing, 1 and a half pieces of fried tofu and 2 tablespoons of white rice. I really wanna know the calorie content but have no idea!

Iv gone right off alcohol- knowing how many cals are in wine, and also i hate feelin drunk, cos drunk = bad thoughts, drunk = eating, bingeing and purging.
Drunk = not feeling good about myself later.

Maybe i should just keep pretending that all is ok? Maybe it is all ok, and im just over reacting.

I need to remember i am still in control here, its my body, my mind- my control!

Psychologist Rant

I had my psychologist appointment last night - kinda feel like she doesn't want me to go back, she said that I seem to have a lot of people already helping me and 1 more person may be too much.... and so now I’m not sure what to do.

I didn’t get a chance to tell her about the self harming or the assault. – I almost did and she knows that “something bad happened a few years ago” but I didn’t actually say what that something was, but then she never asked me either!
She said that if I wanted to go back and see her that it was fine – and that we could talk about everything else apart from the eating disorder – whether it be positive or negative stuff
She also said I shouldn’t have to make “changes” as such – she said its more about understanding everything :s which kinda doesn’t make sense – cos I understand my eating disorder (I think) quite well at the moment. Its making people worry but making me feel good :/ (Ok prob not the right understanding but that’s the only explaination I can think of right now)
Especially cos I'm not making any changes to anything that I'm doing - so it would just be a waste of money!

But then I think maybe she can help me with the self harming and the assault stuff (even though I kinda think I’m over that?!)
And then I’m not sure if that’s all tied in with this eating disorder and if I get better with this the other stuff will get better too?!!
I really don’t know what to think or what to do.

I leave these appointments feeling more confused than when I went into them!!
I am torn between feeling like I should get better cos it’s the right thing to do or just keep going where I am right now – like finding a good inbetween. So that I don’t have to gain weight & I can carry on but get everyone off my back! And then I’m also scared that if I get everyone off my back and I lose control completely then I will be alone without any help if and when I need it :s

(And that’s the end of the rant!!)

fainted

So today i pretty much fainted on the train, it was really warm and i was feeling kind of off and then we were stuck at a station for like 20 mins and i was standing and started to get all hot and clammy and started spinning, so i kneeled down and then when i stood back up my heart was racing and i was all dizzy- luckily a lady seen me and asked if i felt sick and did i want to sit down, i didnt really answer - cos coudlnt see or speak but sorta almost fell on top of her!! I felt a bit off all morning, then when i was out by Debs desk it started happening again - and i got all dizzy and ill and couldnt speak and almost passed out.
For some reason i can feel whats happening and can sit down and sometimes stop it...

it was horrible. i was feeling really ill all day today!! not nice!

head was all fuzzy and off!!


might have a tea and go to sleep soon i think!

psychologist appointment 1

So i went to a new psychologist tonight. (on orders from my mum)
Her first question was - what is the problem?
hmmmm i didnt really know wheere to start - i told her about my ed and she asked some questions, talked bout my dad and how i am stil annoyed and think he doesnt love me.
did quite get to the rape or the self harm. Not sure why, the opportunity never came up i guess!! :/

do i want to see her again. Not really i think. I dont know if she can help me.
What do i need help with?

Maree is helping me with my ed - slowly but surely one day she wil be able to help.

Do i  want to delve into my rape and self harm - NOT particuarly, am i over it . probably not. can she help. i doubt it.

will i see her again. im not sure!

I feel like there is too much going on and too many people to see and too many problems to deal with. isnt it easy to just leave things as they are.?

She asked me what i wanted to achieve with her, and i said i didnt know. but maybe i want her to help me be ok - like with guys. I really want to meet someone and not freak out, push them away i want to able to enjoy the company of a male and not wonder if they are going to hurt me.
Wonder if she can help me with that?

Oh the drama

So my best friend is having problems of her own - she was put on anti depressants for this werid tingly thing on her back and they thought it might be psychological or something so she's been on anti depressants ...
after i started going to my appointments she broke up with her boyfriend and is now saying how depressed she is and how today she couldnt get out of bed and go to uni cos she couldnt face the world, yet she still manages to go out partying all weekend long.
I just dont get it. I wish I had that depression rather than this stupid eating disorder (feel bad for feeling it stupid) I'm avoiding friends and scenes where everyone is happy and drinking cos i dont think i can keep up with it all.
I prefer to stay home and sleep on a saturday night than have to face everyone!

My nana is very unwell, she is in the hospice (basically where people go to die) and doctors have said she only has about 4 weeks left - if that.

My other friend broke up with his girlfriend so ive been chatting to him lots and trying to re-assur
It seems like everyone has something.

My ED lady Maree

So i think im starting to like her and be honest with her, this morning in my appointment i managed to actually tell her the truth about whats been happening in the last few weeks.

She doesnt want to change me until i am ready to change - which is good
She said that the anorexia has a strong grip over me now and its the one making me feel good and feel like im ok.
Its controlling my thoughts and she said i have gone downhill since last time i seen her, although my weight is sitll the same :/
I have to see her every week now
I just feel confused at the mo!!
Cos apart of me is thinking she is right and ana is in control and she is winning and making me unhealthy and making me isolate from friends but then the other part of me is thinking.. its my body and i am in control of it, ana is just on the outskirts and helping me feel in control and feel sane. Ana is the good thing in my life (even though the other part of me is screaming no she is killing you) ana is making me happy and helping me lose weight and stay in control.

Maree is making me confused and stirring up the fight in me - the fight AGAINST ana but at the same time i dont want to fight cos im not ready to change!!

I DONT KNOW!!

Chest Pains

Having this sharp horrible pain in between my boobs... its more sore when i take a deep breathe and feels like i want to cripple over!!! :(

I hope its gone by the morning!!

Dad

My dad is so confusing....
growing up he was around and was good to me. Although he would compare me to my brother and i never felt good enough for him he was still there for me
Then when he and mum split up and i moved out then moved back with mum, he told me "you've taken your side" and then would come into my work and tel me i am a slut like my mother, and berate me and abuse me making me feel worthless and unloved.
He didnt come to my 21st or leaving party, didnt contact me on my bday and only spoke to me twice while i was away - at christmas time when i was at my sisters and we HAD to speak.
I come home and see him once, then out of the blue he invites me over for lunch and i meet his niece and her daughter and hear about uncles i didnt know i had!
He tells me it was good to see me and i look good.....
Even now he has chatted to me on facebook and we are making plans for another lunch in 2 weeks time...

its odd

Does he love me know? or is just being nice cos i am his daughter?
I think he doesnt know what he wants. He prob feels he has too. I know he wanted me to be a boy - he already had 2 daughters what did he want with another one - a stupid uselss one at that. i got into trouble, i wasnt smart at school, not good enough at squash.
When will i ever be good enough???

I ATE !

Tonight i cooked some vegies and a sausage, and i sat down and i ate it all....
it tasted different to what i thought it would
I ate it very fast and got excited and hyper while i was eating, i think cos i was eating - im not really sure

I felt the need to say out "see i'm eating" but no one replied....

then 10 minutes later after convincing myself how good i was for eating and not purging, i was gulping down water and pushing my fingers further down my throat willing the disgusting food to get out of my body!!

I kinda of did it without realising - like sometimes when you eat on auto pilot and dont realise you're eating until its too late, thats what i did with purging!! :/

Now im in bed, i have a headache, my throat feels like an ive swallowed sandpaper and i have a bruise forming on my first fingers knuckle!!

But i feel better cos im empty. - im not 100% empty but it will do.

I will get up and go for a run tomorrow  - it will put me in a good mood for the day!!

The truth you say?

I get to see Maree (my ed lady) tomorrow, i havent seen her in 2 weeks and in that 2 weeks i've been told ive lost too much weight, told i dont eat enough (mum) told i look good (dad) purged 4 out of 7 days a week, eaten an apple every day at 10am cut into 20 bite size pieces and eaten over the space of 2 hours, ive developed a fear of tablespoons, ( i cant use them at all!) I've played 4 games of squash, gone running, had a panic attack, weighed myself daily, cried, cut, laughed, worked, avoided friends, hung out with friends, drank wine, got drunk and spewed some more...
Yet a part of me wants to tell her none of that and when she asks how im doing, i want to say - im doing really well, havent purged, eaten some food each day and feeling happy.
part 1 (the truth part) wants to be honest and let her in, but part 2 wants to pretend and make her think im fine.....

i dont know what to do!

Roast Dinner

I was so worried about dinner tonight, i am at mums place and she cooked a roast chicken , potatoes, sweet potato, pumpkin and beans and i was teriffied of having to eat all of that - i was coming up with ways to get out of it in my head all afternoon.
I only said yes to dinner cos i had nothing to do and i know mum is worrying so i wanted to make her believe i am ok and there is nothiing wrong...

I got away with it all too i think!

I ate in the other lounge away from them, with my step sister and my dog.

I ate 8 beans, 2 forkfuls of chicken, 1 bite of bread and secretly gave the rest to my dog!! :)

Im so glad thats over!!!

Bras, Bones and other things....

So today i went to the mall with my mum and step sister - we were bra shopping, mum convinced me to let the lady measure me and make sure the bras fitted ok, so i let her come in with her measuring tape and watched her as she looked at my body and sized me up and felt her cold hands as she checked the bra fitting....
she then said to me - "have you lost weight recently" and i replied "possibly"
she came back with another bra and then said "i think you've lost too much weight and dont think you should lose any more" she was being lovely and light hearted about it, not saying it in a mean way....
and i sorta just giggled nervously and said "yeah guess so"
But as soon as she left the changing room i just stood there and stared at my bare upper body with my new bra on (it has some padding and a bit of push up in it cos the lady said it looks much better than the one i chose cos it gives me some boobs) I was desperately trying to see the skinny person she said i was but all i could see was the fat the covers my arms and rolls down onto my tummy and over my hips and into my jeans.
Mum came into the change room and i could almost hear her thoughts.... the look on her face told me i have lost weight, and im sure she couldnt wait for me to put my clothes back on so she didnt have to see my body!
It was a very awkward and weird situation.

But it made me feel good!!

Someone tells me ive lost too much weight and i feel happy?! Ana you are realy living inside my head arent you!!!

Im so anxious and nervous all the time. At the mall, i had to go outside cos there were too many people and i felt like they were all watching me.

Im having a very odd day! Im so lost in my own thoughts and have been tuning out of conversations cos of the thoughts and conversations going on inside my head!!

normal

i migh be drunk but i feel normal,. i went out and i drank like normal people do, i talked like normal people do. sometiems i tuned out and thought about the calories i was consuming but mostly i tried to be normal. i hope i was successful.

random rant part 1

Mum has booked me into see a private psychologist - she seen my self harming scars and cuts and freaked out and is now doing everything possible to try and help.
I've been purging almost every day and on the days i dont purge im not eating alot.
I get hyper when i eat, i dont really kno how to explain it, but i start eating and then feel hyper like i everything is buzzing around me and i move really quickly but yet everything feels like its moving in slow motion (apart from me)
Im getting stuck into weird routines - which has never happened before. I cut an apple into 20 pieces at 10am every day and if i dont i get really anxious. I have to eat it only until midday and then throw whatever is left over out.
I am anxious in crowds of people - which is kinda normal but its gotten alot worse.
I have been exercising every day until today and i feel so guilty for not running or playing squash.
I'm not counting calories - maybe cos i know exactly the amount of calories of the foods im eating and im not varing from that.
I have however, eaten breakfast twice this week, 1 egg white - which i guess isnt much but its something
I think mum is right and that i am going to these appointments to please everyone else. I want to make everyone happy and be the perfect daughter/friend/worker but never feel like i am.
I'm still not convinced i have an eating disorder any more. I may be a bit weird with food but isnt everybody? Doesnt everyone at some point think they are fat? My cousin even said she has made herself sick when she was over full and drunk... so therefore i must be ok.
i feel more in control now than i have before. i can stop all these voices if i wanted too, i could eat chocolate (and not purge) if i wanted too, but i feel good about losing weight and being in control, why would i want to stop?
Its the buzzing that i want to stop, when i sit still its like something in my head starts buzzing and makes me want to keep moving and the only way im sleeping is by drinking some wine. only 2 glasses cos after that i hear different voices - voices that remind me that i am a bad daughter/friend/worker and that no one really likes me or cares and that the cutting makes me feel better, so only 2 glasses of wine i think!
I dont feel sad or depressed like the weird dr man asked me, i feel nothing, i feel numb, i feel full of nothingness and lost in nothingness and floating above the world watcing my life go by!
The only way i dont feel numb is when im purging or cutting.

But i guess bottom line is I can stop this when i want too, but right now im not ready to change - change makes me nervous, what if i change into someone even weirder, what if dealing with past is harder than pretending through my future!
change isnt always good and i guess that is what im scared of!!

to cry or laugh

I feel like im going to cry but I dont really know why


BE POSITIVE

I have no reason to cry - so i will not do it.

I am strong and you can't stop me. No one can!!

My mum is spinning out

My mums friend just called me, mum has been round at her place - she is freaking out about my self harming

she wants to get me comitted
she doesnt know how to help  or what to do
she thinks im going to kill myself
she wants me to move back home with her
She thinks this is all her fault...

I dont know what to do
I dont know what i think
I'm not going to kill myself
I self harm to feel something cos right now i dont feel anything but empty inside
I dont know what i feel or what i think any more

My world revolves around food and exercise and losing weight
It is my world and no one is invited.
I love my mum but this is not her fault
She did nothing wrong
I am the failure here NOT her!

I deserve nothing
I dont deserve her love- what kind of daughter am i?

Stay strong starve on

Embarrassed Part 2

So after the lady confronted me about my wrist she then came over and started jokingly saying....
"you dont need to cut your wrist amy, its ok"
"wheres your knife? i need to hide it from you"
i know she was joking, but i didnt know how to handle it, i left the office for about 15 minutes and when i came back after crying my eyes out Debs seen me and asked if candy had upset me.....
she said her daughter (who is 13) once did it so she knew all along
I ended up crying my eyes out to her.
I was/am so scared that everyone knows i self harm... im so embarrassed about what candy said
i dotn know how to joke about this, cos its all true - what she was saying....

I left work early and have been at the pub

aparantly drinking a loaf of bread worth of alcohol.....
better go for a run and do some skipping in the morning DEFINATLEY!!!

Lecture Time

Coming home from the pub tonight - my younger cousin (who i live with) she is 21 she starts telling me how i seem sad lately and i that im too thin, and the reason im so tired and weak is cos i dont eat enough, i told her i eat lots of fruit and vege and she tried to tell me i need carbs and protiens and (FML) fats....
All i could think was .....
i am empty and pure and freeing myself of fat, im not tired cos im not eating, im tired cos im working hard at perfecting my pure, emptiness. being free from fat and disgusting extra body waste. You can tell me how i need all this food, but i know i dont, cos i know you are just trying to trick me and make me eat things that make me feel guilty and make me fat. well i dont need your fat. i am empty and i am strong and you cant take that away from me!!!"

 

Embarrassed

So i cut my arm real bad the other night and ive had to put band aids on it cos its been bleeding.... and i put one of those cotton bandages things (llike when you sprain your wrist and its one of the sleeve thingys) on and ive been at work with it, and wearing my cardi but got so hot and one lady just asked me what i did to my wrist and i freaked out, paniked and said "i burnt myself" WTF?!

I should have said i hurt myself bowling last night, or i fell over but no i said i burnt myself!!

I dont know what they all think of me now!! FML !

im so embarrassed!!

Change Process Balance Sheet

So im completing this first part of the sheet and i have to list the positive aspects of my experience and the negative consequences.

So Positive Aspects

• I feel in control
• I know what foods are healthy and calorie content and how to burn calories and lose weight
• The feeling of losing weight feels like success and makes me feel good
• Losing weight makes me feel better about myself, more happier with myself
• Feels like i am finally good at something, when ive never been good at anything, have always been the useless dumb sibling so it feels like i am better at something than my famiy!
• Food distracts me from other thoughts and stresses
• Its something i know and i feel safe and comfortable knowing i can do this and be in control of something
• I am getting fit and healthy
• Being in a routine, and having daily habits - eating the same foods and the same times makes me feel sane and calmer. Keeps me feeling ordered and safe
• I have met some amazing people through my experience
• I feel stronger - mentally. Like i am finally finding out my strengths and who i am

Negative Conseqeunces

• I never feel thin - I AM FAT
• I feel guilty when i eat anything that is not on my safe list
• I am scared of eating and gaining weight - Actually I AM TERIFFIED
• I am never thin enough/good enough
• I annoy people with my constant battle with this
• I avoid some social situations cos i dont want to eat

Thats why Im so thin

The lady at work Candy asked me if i would like a sweet slice (left over from their training luncheon) i said no thank you, i dont really like sweet things....
and she then says - "thats why you are so thin, im so jealous, i would love to be as thin as you"
I dont think any one has ever said that to me before, it made me feel really good.
Ive got 2 voices going on right now ....
Voice 1 - wow am i really thin? I didnt think i had lost that much weight, maybe i have?
Voice 2 - Why the hell would she be jealous of me, she is obv being sarcastic and im not thin.
She has then bought me out a sandwhich thing -
Foccacia bread  (280) with lettuce(10), smoked chicken(60), avocado (50) and chutney (20).....
Im sitting here staring at it!!
Voice 1 - you could have a little bite, just eat the lettuce and chutney and throw the rest away, it smells so good, one bite can't hurt
Voice 2 - You've already had an apple today and i wont be going for a run tonight, how can i burn off 420 calories worth of fat in one evening?! I CANT!
Voice 1- maybe just dont eat the bread
Voice 2- but its still calories and IVE HAD AN APPLE

I want it, i think. I think im hungry. I kinda want to try it.
But i know 1 bite, leads to another and another and another and then it will be gone and i will be left feeling guilty and fat and the food will be sloshing around in my tummy while i sit at work and try to concentrate on working rather than burning the calories i would have consumed!!

Just realised the bread has butter on it too!!! EVEN WORSE!
It looks really yummy. and its been sitting there for almost 1 hour and i havent touched it.

I feel so in control but so lost at the same time!!

Not sure what to do next???

I think i need a coffee instead!!!

Food or not ?

It smells like food, it looks like food i bet it tastes like food. but its not realy food, its more like an insect trying to enter my body from the mouth and into my stomach where it slowly chews through my stomach and out my belly button while im sleeping, it wil slither away before i wake, and i dont even know it!
food - why do have to tempt me like this?
my head wants it (not it doesnt)
my body craves it (cos its fat craving fat)
so why wont i eat it?

the food is in the oven

Today ive had about 550 calories
Tea (2), starbucks coffee (150), 2 rice crakcers (80) and tuna lite (75) a bag of lite crisps (80) liqourice (150) and now im hungry and i have put 1 pattie (95) and 1 mini samosa (50) and a mini spring roll (50) in the oven...
im still deciding wether to eat it or not...
i want it cos im hungry but i know i shouldnt. i dont need it. i want it but my body doesnt need it.
maybe its burning while im writing this? and the choice wil be made
OMG just turned on tv to the biggest loser - i swear it was me on there!! IF ONLY SOMONE COULD HELP ME LOSE WEIGHT AND BE PERFECT!!!
yeah right!

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!

AM I NORMAL??

turned on the TV after reading my book for ages and an episode of SVU is on (special victims unit) its got jenniffer love hewitt and it goes step by step through her rape kit process and she talks about it all... and im sitting here wishing i could turn it off, yet i want to keep watching it.
i dunno why .....
Its hurting and ive been crying but at the same time i cant stop watching it...
i keep thinking that if she is ok - then so am i!
I know it sounds crazy cos its jus a tv show but i cannot stop watching!
i havent done anything stupid like this since i searched for him on facebook!!
i wonder if this is normal?
feeling like i relate to a tv show?!