The BIG one

So I had my big meeting today – the one where the two teams working with me to try and help me create normality to my life met and discussed me like I was a the latest “off the press”

The original Taylor Centre doctors – my key worker Joanne, my psychologist Trish and my psychiatrist Markus met with the REDS (regional eating disorder service) – Dr Kac (physical doc) and the psychiatrist (can’t remember his name but I liked him) sat at this big table and at 1pm me and Donna joined them.

They asked how I thought I was going and then put the options out there.

The options being either

* I get discharged from all care, for now. Knowing that I can go back anytime, and can put my hand up for help whenever I need/want and they are there. Or *option 2 being I get motivated and they work together to help me recover from anorexia and borderline personality disorder – 2 of the most difficult mental illnesses to overcome alone let alone together they pointed out.

I was open and honest with my response (I thought) I made them aware that I do lack motivation because the fear of gaining weight and what that means for me – hating myself more and more so much that I go back to self harming and suicidal tendencies, not going out with friends and just feeling like a lost fat soul strolling around numb to the world. I want the motivation but I am terrified cos I know what the road to recovery looks like and the past 2 years have been hard and now that I am feeling good and happy and having fun why would I want to stop that for a dark tough road which as much support as I have I ultimately have to walk alone.

I told them option 2 is pretty much the same as what I was doing but I have an added person –a dietician and although they insisted the dietician would help me to gain weight slowly and at my own pace so that I could adjust slowly I repeated the previous year’s attempts  with the dietician started in the same way – and I trusted them and believed them, only to be my usual self and start to think I was doing well and things were going ok-ish so I ate better and ate chocolate and ice cream and gained weight and freaked out and purged then self harmed .... The 1 hour appointment with the dietician once a week sounds great but what about the other 167 hours in the week. How do I cope with the stresses of work, the social scenes and life in general?

They determined me not sick enough for inpatient. Apparently 45 kgs and a BMI of 15.6 is not sick enough to go inpatient and unless I drop further and hit 43 kgs then they won’t consider it.

I don’t want to get sick enough that I am forced into hospital and I told them this but their PLAN does not stir motivation and invoke hope that I will get better.

Something different needs to happen. I would go inpatient volunterally if i could take the time off work and off life in general.

I hate being trapped but i love it all the same- how messed up is that!?!

I wish i could feel thin, feel beautiful and be loved

My mum’s friend who came with me so I had a voice of reason to speak for me said that she has watched me slowly kill myself and that the last 4 months I have shrunk and she is scared.

So now i have to decide.......
I am going to catch up with mum on the weekend so see what she thinks and then talk to my boss and decide.
I know i am not going to just continue with the DBT group and see a dietician once a week so she can make me fat! but the thought of being discharged and having NO support scares me as well :/