Helping someone is helping myself

Talking to T* tonight really made me realise how bad my drug addiction is, i was trying to make her see how bad Kane is for her and also try to help her with her smack addiction which is only recent.

All the excuses and justifications she said about the smack is exactly what i say about the meth.

The “it’s not that bad” line...  When someone would question me on my gear useage i would say firstly – well i’m not doing it every day, then i was and i looked back on it and justified it some how to myself and then said well it’s not that bad as i still have my job, thats the important thing and then lost that and then it was my friends and family, lost that. Then it was my apartment – lost that. And then T* said something which is my biggest one- “I enjoy who I am when I’m on it”

How bad do things have to get before I want to get off it?!

T* said something tho – I’m fun without it though. And I realised, I need to take the time and reflect back more as the reflecting back on previous years and previous times (before meth) is what will make the drive to get off it more desirable.

T* wants to go back to using smack recreationally. Is there such a thing? I with crystal meth.

Can we use these illegal class A drugs recreationally?

I hate this most of the time. It's fun when i get wasted and have fun but the majority of the time I am stressed, tired and trying to balance everything. 

I didn’t even make any goals for 2013. I also realised that when i make goals or plans if they dont get completed i dont look back and ask myself why and also have plan b in place... cos it’s all very well planning to stop smoking meth but what happens next if i do not achieve that goal. I can shrug it off and then say “I’ll try again” or what? I guess do something that I know works.

So if cutting back and not smoking it every day doesn’t work – then what?

I blasted for the first time on Friday - I have blasted Ritalin before but not meth. It was GREAT! I loved it and now I can see how the downhill happens. If i don't stop now I am going to end up in T*'s position. I justified it as just that once. But others have said once you start injecting gear you won't want to stop - people don't just say that, its the truth. The truth comes out in the very first statement and then the justifications for why and then it's all ok.

Ok so I need to stop. I may not want too cos I don't want to go back to that anorexic self harming sad borderline personality person but I need too as I don't want to end up a junkie shooting up and as I already don't have a job the longer i am out of work the harder it will be. 

I need to stop smoking crack so i don't lose the rest of my life. 

I go away – leave Auckland. I either go to Pauanui with a mate or to Melbourne. Especially as Christie has paid for me.

Then when I am not smoking meth every day I can get a job and have money and go away with T* in August to Queenstown.

The  next thing i have learned after tonight is that i will start making day plans and week plans as well as 3  month plans. To keep me focused and not frittering out.

Balance is what i need

Visualise what i can have without the drugs.

What a random, intense night. I wanna get some sleep now. Might have a bowl first i think