It started with me not pulling into the Mc d carpark
, I panicked coz it looked super bust and I never been in there before so didn't even know where the entrance was. So I drove past it and pulled into the countdown carpark opposite Mc Donald's. I then sat in the car talking myself into having the courage to walk across the road and get a free Sunday. It was only 8pm. So yep it was definitely still open to walk ins. But what flavour do they have, what if I take that little too long to voice my chosen flavour. What if the ice cream machine is not operating and I then have to walk out empty handed. 45mins later and I'm finally crossing rhe main Rd and inside.
Strawberry was the flavour I chose, she didn't tell me they did plain sundaes.... i want plain.
Quickly drive away cos I only jus see the man sitting in the fancy car parked beside me. Now glaring at me with this weird little smirk on his face.
I was headed home but the panic overtook me ad I had to pull the car to the side of the road, switch engine off, jump across to passenger seat, open the door and take put my barefoot on the cold grass.... grounding technique #1
I'm still holding the melting strawberry Sunday. Crying. Hyperventilating. Shaking. Sweating. Barefoot and unable to unlock or utilise my cellphone device.
After I manage to do 2 different breathing exercises : 1st one is the take a big breathe in as big as possible then hold for a sec before sucking just a little more in thru the mouth. Hand on tummy to stay connected to myself and the present as much as I can.
2nd is the 4,2,4 (not even sure that's the correct #) breath in for 4, hold for 2 and out for 4, repeat.
After the tingling in my hands and arms begins to fade I find myself looking at my surroundings and I notice I'm parked opposite a kids playground... swings! They are the best anti panic / be in present and SWING!!! but. When I get inside the gated circle the swings are for babies and toddlers only. I did give both options ago. The cursed outloud at the uselessness of the swings. And began to walk myself to calm serenity. I sat under this weird stage thing in the corner of the park.
More breathing exercises.
Then counted lines, 5 horizontal (street light, house, tree, window, handrail) then vertical ( different to previous, then curved)
Not sure how much time had passed but I was becoming more and more aware of my surroundings and the fact that I have no idea where the hell in papakura I actually am, for a second or two I can't even recall where my car is.
It's dark and beginning to rain.
Instead of spiralling back down into panic I laugh out Loud and decide to continue my walk and follow the footpath (still barefoot) I sit in this circle where 4 paths meet up and stare at the night sky.
I miss being able to see see the stars at night from my bed when curtains open rescue me from the fear and dark room.
I notcie what I am feeling against my body and the cold wet concrete has made my bum soaking wet, the sundae is totally melting and leaving a droplet trail from where I walked so I thru the white ice cream liquid against the dark concrete like it was white paint and I was creating art.
Few deep breaths and I stand up and spin around a few times with arms outstretched like I'm a ballerina or some shit. Then slowly looking around as i 360 again, I see my little red car under the street light a little down the road so meander in that direction, making sure to put my rubbish in the bin inside the gated park, now noticing the young couple straddled in a motionless cuddle.
I laugh as I walk away wondering had they been there this entire time and what must my madness might have looked like from another's eyes.
3 hour round trip and 3 spoonfuls of strawberry Sunday for this 37 something else!
