Update

So i have an appointment at the hospital on Thursday with a physciatric nurse who is going to assess my mental needs.
Im so nervous...
1, its a huge step and i still not sure if want to get better.
i know its the right thing to do but i am just so damn scared to do it
2, its with a male... so im not sure how comfortable i will be talking to male about everything

Kelly has said she will come with me to support me.
Im gonna be a mess on Thursday - i know i will be!!

At the moment i feel like a fraud cos im 51kgs and eating every day! I am letting my control go and am getting fat, the guy is gonna take one look at me and think whats she need help for she is fat!

i havent eaten anything all day and im not sure whether i feel good about it or not. I feel good cos i feel empty and in control but i feel guilty cos i know its wrong not eating....
I jus need to be thin!
Its the only way im happy!

I keep telling myself i cant get better cos i put on a few kgs and i hate myself!!!

i dunno what im doing