Saturday

So on the weekend - I went out on a pub crawl and i met this guy - i ended up hanging out with him and his friends when my mates decided they wanted food and home - (bout 7pm) so i ended up going back to their place and I slept with him!!

This is the first time I have slept with a guy since the rape - and im not even sure why I did it. Normally when i get close to a guy and sex is on the cards i freak out and run away but this time it was different - i felt more comfortable with him, and i didnt know him too well, so it was easier to pretend like i was/am normal.
We were just lying in bed cuddling and he asked me if he could have a good night kiss and it sorta went from there. I was lying there whilewe were kissing and thinking the whole time - what am i doing, do i want this, what i freak out and i cant go anywhere cos i dont know how to get home..... and then suddenly realised i need to just stop thinking and go with it. And i did.
It was kinda weird at first - cos i was so nervous cos i hadnt done it for so long and was so scared I would forget what i was doing. But he let me be in control which was good and he was so lovely and gentle so it made me feel more at ease.
I remember with my ex bf ben - he was always so rough and forceful and in control and then the rape and i think i half expected every single guy to be like that.

I kinda feel dirty and its kinda hard to push that voice away telling me i did something so disgusting and dirty but my sis said that very one has one night stands and that she is proud of me for being able to do it in the first place.
I am too - i think - Im also a little scared about next time !! Who knows what might happen and how i may react.

I had a nightmare last night - with rus in it ! woke up sweating like anything - dont remember the nightmare but remember not being able to sleep !!

Sex for me isnt really something I enjoy - I slept around a bit when i was a bit younger and was always trying to please my boyfriends or the guys- never got much out of it for myself - and then the rape destroyed all thoughts of sex being pleasurable - but now i dunno. sat changed it for me, it was good.

I dont think i will be looking for any one night stands again though, but maybe now i can be a bit more confident with my body and be a bit more in control when it comes to guys! I duno.