2 months away on tour!

So for the month of July and August I was away on a tour, travelling through Europe (yet to write a blog)
I had this big idea that I could pretend to be normal for the whole 49 days, but as soon as we went into a mcdonalds I knew I was far from normal. There are still all these rules that I have and views that I have about food and weight and after chatting to my tent buddy clare (who told me she had ana when she was 18) (she is now 25) I realised as much as I want to pretend Im ok my mind is nowhere near normal.
I only had a couple of freak outs, mainly when i ate after 9pm, sometimes i skipped meals but for the majority of the first 30 days (or at least till we went sailing) I was vomiting alot of my food.
I have never felt so guilty about being so huge and eating so much food that the only way i could feel remotely happy was to go to the toilets after dinner.
I then got really ill and couldn’t eat any way so that pleased me a bit.
I also had another girl (abbey who is 18) come up and ask me if I have an ED, she said she could see it, cos of the way I act around food, the little things I do while eating or when im finished eating and she said she has also noticed that i go to the bathroom after meals – it was nice to talk to her but it just made me feel worse, cos she told me how when she had ana when she was 16 (only for 1 year) the thing that helped her was her family and she said that she realised guys didn’t want a girl stick thin they want someone with some boobs and bum!
I didn’t tell her that i would prefer if a guy didn’t want me (or want to touch me) but i just felt worse, cos i know the only real support ive ever had is from my sister!!

The little things i did on tour were – covering my plate with a napkin when i had eaten enough and giving away a lot of my food to the guys (especially lunch and especially the guys, cos guys always eat!!) um i commented alot of another (random)girls walking down the street, how skinny their legs were, i didn’t like any bikini shots (that showed off my fat!!)

I managed to survive 49 days with normal people, but i realise now how much my friends and family avoid the topic of food and exercise and weight around me, cos the people on tour talked about it around me and didn’t know any different, it was really strange – it sorta made me feel normal, but also in a way it made me feel really uncomfortable, i didn’t know how to join in conversations about dieting and fav foods, cos i couldn’t exactly say “i don’t like food”

I am now back in the UK and i weighed myself this morning, i managed to lose 1 kg!! Which im really happy about!!

Off to Egypt next Tuesday lets hope i can lose some more weight!!