The cast is coming off

Tomorrow is the day the cast comes off and yes I am excited but I'm also scared.
It's been the reason behind my restricting- with no exercise there is no eating but after tomorrow I can exercise which means I will be "allowed" to eat and that scares me.
I've pushed away "good" friends and replaced them with "party/drug" friends and to be with my eating disorder cos it feels safe and neutral but after tomorrow the cast comes off, the excuse is gone- there is no reason for my disordered eating and drug taking and behaviour.
An excuse for my eating disorder validates it in some way and in turn makes it ok.
Everything has to have a reason otherwise it shouldn't exist... What is my reason without my cast?

Then there is squash.they have put me in the team for nationals and I don't know if I am up to it, if I can compete. I don't want to let people down. I don't want to fail. And I'm not sure I can reach that level in 6 weeks. It means eating more and that scares me.
I just don't know if I can do it