Today my mum cane to my appointment with my psychologist... She wanted to find out "the plan" and to know that things were/are moving forward and that ultimately I don't overdose, again and die...
All went well then driving back to work and I ask her how much I still owe her out of the $8000 I've been paying off to 2 years, she tells me it's not important and i re-ask telling her I want to save for a trip to the uk again. She then tell me that when "you're happy, healthy and normal you can stop paying me money"
I'm so hurt, I cried so much when I got back to work. Its like she wants to understand mental illness but just doesn't. I can't control this. I don't want this. I would give anything to be "normal" I can't just switch it off to save myself money.
Would she say that to someone with cancer. "when you get over cancer then you can stop paying me"
It's not fair. I don't want to be struggling. I don't want to hate myself. I don't want to look at myself in the mirror and wish I was skinny, pretty or not even here.
What if I never get better? What if I'm never normal?
I feel so worthless.
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