I weigh 46kgs that's 101lbs.
In the past month, nearly 2 I've spent more money on drugs than I have on food.
I'm having heart palpitations every day, all day an sometimes they hurt.
In the past 7 days I've done drugs every day, I've slept more than 5 hours once and I've eaten about 300 calories all up.
I keep telling myself that I'm ok, that it's not that bad, that for once I'm going out and having fun but as I sit in bed on Tuesday night nearly half 12 in the morning, alone, aching and hungry getting high I'm wondering where this is going? How does this end? How long can I continue this?
My boss has said that if I get put into hospital and it's for an extended period of time then my job may be in jeopardy, she said the power may be out of her hands and out of her control. No I do not want to lose my job but I also don't want to gain weight and be unhappy.
I like that doing drugs is making me skinny, I like that I can do it before work and no one knows. I like that on the weekends I go out dancing for 2 or 3 night straight. I like all the fun new friends I've made and continue to make.
This guy Neil who I've been hanging out with said to me tonight that I am on to it and that I am all good. I can't help but silently think "am I really or am I just putting on a big front to the world so they don't take it all away from me"
I've just made a new friend, he is not a mid man or a buyer he is the real deal, the big guy in the game. Today instead of going to DBT group I went to his house for an hour and a half and smoked up a storm, got high and went back to work.
I had fun.
Playing squash this evening however, not as fun. I have no energy, I can't hit the ball and I can't run around cos I can't breathe and my heart hurts too much. Afterwards there was dinner consisting of roast chicken, salad and bread. I ate a few forkfuls of chicken and plain lettuce and hated every second of it. I was/am so hungry my tummy is loudly telling everyone around me so yet I HATE that I have to put food into me!
I am not motivated to go to therapy or even try and practise the skills simply because I feel ok, I'm having fun and my emotions are suppressed cos I'm losing weight and doing drugs that numb me. It's a good feeling for me (but I realise it's not actually a good thing)
Again I suddenly wonder.... How does this end?
In the past month, nearly 2 I've spent more money on drugs than I have on food.
I'm having heart palpitations every day, all day an sometimes they hurt.
In the past 7 days I've done drugs every day, I've slept more than 5 hours once and I've eaten about 300 calories all up.
I keep telling myself that I'm ok, that it's not that bad, that for once I'm going out and having fun but as I sit in bed on Tuesday night nearly half 12 in the morning, alone, aching and hungry getting high I'm wondering where this is going? How does this end? How long can I continue this?
My boss has said that if I get put into hospital and it's for an extended period of time then my job may be in jeopardy, she said the power may be out of her hands and out of her control. No I do not want to lose my job but I also don't want to gain weight and be unhappy.
I like that doing drugs is making me skinny, I like that I can do it before work and no one knows. I like that on the weekends I go out dancing for 2 or 3 night straight. I like all the fun new friends I've made and continue to make.
This guy Neil who I've been hanging out with said to me tonight that I am on to it and that I am all good. I can't help but silently think "am I really or am I just putting on a big front to the world so they don't take it all away from me"
I've just made a new friend, he is not a mid man or a buyer he is the real deal, the big guy in the game. Today instead of going to DBT group I went to his house for an hour and a half and smoked up a storm, got high and went back to work.
I had fun.
Playing squash this evening however, not as fun. I have no energy, I can't hit the ball and I can't run around cos I can't breathe and my heart hurts too much. Afterwards there was dinner consisting of roast chicken, salad and bread. I ate a few forkfuls of chicken and plain lettuce and hated every second of it. I was/am so hungry my tummy is loudly telling everyone around me so yet I HATE that I have to put food into me!
I am not motivated to go to therapy or even try and practise the skills simply because I feel ok, I'm having fun and my emotions are suppressed cos I'm losing weight and doing drugs that numb me. It's a good feeling for me (but I realise it's not actually a good thing)
Again I suddenly wonder.... How does this end?
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