The Wedding Day is almost here

Isn't it strange how we can put things in a little box and hide them away - never thinking about them but suddenly an innocent conversation brings all these emotions to the surface...
Go away thoughts - i thought i locked you in that box. When did that box open? Maybe i didnt close it tight enough!

Anyway ranting away - My mum is getting married tomorrow and i feel like everything is about to change. She is about to embark on her new life, with her new family and im scared of what will happen with her old family. Although we havent been a proper family for ages really- we are still family.
This is her chance at a happy family - she is the that stage of her life where she can afford alot more and spend more time at home with the kids - except they arent really her kids, they are her fiance (keiths)

I know she will always be MY mum but she isnt really my mum anymore - she has to be a good mum to the other girls now. I am scared i will get in the way and ruin their happy family, i already sometimes get in the way, do the wrong thing (in Keiths eyes) what if it gets worse when they are married.
I'm not part of THEIR family what if i get pushed out even further?!

I'm scared of losing my mum to them :'(

I havent thought about this for ages, I've concentrated on the fact that mum is so happy and loving life and its her life to be happy in and live. I just hurt sometimes thinking about this.

Colposcopy and lack of support for me!!

So this arvo my "best friend" christie was supposed to come and take me to my colposcopy appointment and hang out with me... more for moral support than anything and she cancelled 15 mins before she was due to pick me up - saying she was unwell.....
i was so annoyed - here i am going to have a procedure done to find out if i have cervical cancer and she is unwell
and by unwell (she emailed me in the morning) saying she was physically and mentally drained and just so incredibly tired she couldnt move!! <----- thats why i was annoyed...

I would do anything for my friends - no matter what shape i was in, no matter what time of the morning it was i would always help ANY of my friends (that includes al of you lovelies) but she is too tired to come and be with me knowing full well what i went through with the rape
Ok so i didnt tell her that the colposcopy was basically what they do for a rape kit - i didnt get a chance too cos she didnt show up!!

anyways - my friends are crap - never there for me when i truly need them!!

The appointment went ok, i ended up having a panic attack and told the nurse about having a rape kit done and she explained it wouldnt be as traumatic as that and also less painful, which it was - they also said that i may have the HPV virus but its doesnt look to be cancer - they are sending a biopsy away to find out for sure!!
Im in a bit of pain now - tummy cramps and weird tummy stuff but im in bed with a cup of tea (at 4.50pm) LOL

thats my update

Long time no post

Its been aaaages since i posted on here, i guess im writing everything on my facebook notes.... seems easier. But i will do an update...

After the hospital evening mum started hassling me about what i should do, donna (our family friend) was txting me too.
I then had an assessment with the mental health team, who wanted me to find a doctor and also go and visit the ED team once every 2 weeks. She said the cusp for diagnosing anorexia is a BMI of 17.5 and my BMI is 17.6 :/

Ive been up and down since then, im trying to be ok but im back to purging food again! I feel so guilty for eating but i also feel so guilty for not being thin enough, sick enough i dunno what.
I just want to be thin - nothing else.

I've got so many health problems at the mo, non ed related - im having a scan on my hip which has been sore since xmas, and maybe have a cortisone injection to hopefuly fix it. Im having a colposcopy next wed to find out if i have cervical cancer!!

I'm drinking more and more - its a good distraction and a good release!! but also prob a good weight gain!!

Im basically living on my own at the moment too, my cousin is either working or with her boyfriend. I havent really spoken to her properly for weeks, it sucks!!

but im just struggling on.....

Hospital Visit

Last night I bought burger fuel on the way home - i was eating this massive burger and it tasted so YUMMY!

I then went and purged cos i was so full and felt disgusting - i hadnt eaten anything all day so full was not what i wanted to be.
I purged so much and then started vomiting blood - and not just a few spots ALOT of blood.
I couldnt stop purgng though, it was like a massive power chuck! I was excited and crying at the same time!
Not sure where the excitment came from, maybe the empitness that i was creating?

Anyway

I then felt really ill and lilie convinced me to ring Healthline to get their advice and the silly woman on the other end of the phone told me it could be internal bleeding or a rip in my stomach or all these other sorts of crazy things and i freaked out. She wanted to call me an ambulance but i refused, instead an hour later called mum to take me

When she got to my house she started crying (which of course made me cry) and asked if i had a problem with my eating again and that she thought i was ok and got better when i went to the UK
OBV NOT!

so at the hospital i went on the drip (hate them) and they ran bloods and checked all was working ok - and it was... i was just dehydrated.
They gave me some numbers to call for "help" and mum said she can call them if i want, but i said i would think about it
She wants to help, and she thinks help
but im not depressed, im not upset, i was FREAKED out last night but i have learned my lesson....
dont purge with long nails
I dunno
I will think about it
for a while



a few months maybe?!

Food is on my mind 24/7

I think i can say honestly now that i have relapsed and my ED is back in full force.
As the tittle says - i think about food ALL THE TIME! To the point where i want to cry just to stop thinking about food.

I think coming back to NZ and not feeling like i have belonged anywhere has really pushed me into my ED habits.
I am restricting ALOT and teriffied of eating most foods cos i will gain weight.

As each day passes I am more and more consumed by losing weight. I am now avoiding going out with people cos it means eating meals. Its easier to stay home and not eat than it is to go out.

but i guess at the moment, im not depressed, im ok. Im happy even.
I have a busy few months coming up and as much as my ED is in my life, im just accepting it and living my life at the same time.
Im not sure if that is even possible but for now - its whats happening.

Of course there are moments when i wish i was back in recovery and doing well, but mostly i think - i was never that ill before, i need to prove i am ill, i need to be ill for kelly to like me, i need to look a little bit thinner for the wedding -
and this is gonna sound SO bad
but i want to look ill at the wedding - i feel like mum has never taken this illness serioulsy and never really believed it to be as bad as it is - she has always just sort of shrugged it off, so if i can be thin then maybe she will see i am ill.
Twisted thoughts right there!!!

Just a quick note

"It's like a crazy beautiful kid on heroin, high as a kite and on top of the world. But she doesnt know she that shes slowly dying, not even if you show her the tracks."

Read this on someones page and liked it so thought I'd share

A sad night!!

So I was all happy cos I hadn’t eaten anything but my plain disgusting cabbage diet


my cousin/flat mate came home and was so nervous how I was gonna explain myself - she knows all about my ed and I as afraid she would react like my sister would have and gotten mad at me or tried to "talk" but when I told her she just said "WHY" and I said cos I wanna diet for a week and see what happens so I feel good for the hens night this sat ( my friends hens night) and she just sad "bro you have some serious issues" :/
then I was talking about how ANOTHER one of my mates is now engaged and how I’m basically the only single person I know and she said "well I can change that" and that I need to put myself out there and go out more and socialize with new people and not be afraid and I said to her that I do go out but I don’t like going out with people I don’t know and trust and feeling like I’m not welcome and then she said "yeah but then don’t just throw a tantrum when you want to go home, nobody likes that shit"

** she's referring to the 1st night I had a mental breakdown at a party I didn’t want to be at and wanted to go home and 2ndly when SHE was supposed to sober drive us one night and got drunk and I got shitty and had to sober up to go home**
I feel so shit now.

I don’t mean to react so badly sometimes - but when I drink sometimes I get on such a downer and then my mind starts telling me one thing and I get lost in my thoughts and get paranoid that people are talking about me and not want me around!!

I feel like such a loser right now
She has gone grocery shopping - so think i'm gonna try and exercise quickly!! xx
Sorry to be a pain to everyone

Thinspiration

I sometimes wish i was pretty enough, thin enough, good enough to be someone's "thinspiration"

I know I prob shouldnt admit that or think it even cos it is pro ana but i do. I want to be that thin pretty girl that when you are browsing someone's thinspo folder you look at and think - wow she is so skinny and so beautiful
I then browse my folders and all i think is - who is this fat, disgusting ugly person that I call MYSELF
why cant i be beautiful too
why cant i be loved by someone too
Why cant i be thin too
Why cant i look as happy and gorgeous as those girls in the pictures too!

A mask

"We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin".  ~André Berthiaume

its sometimes so easy to put on that mask and pretend or even try and be someone your not, or be someone you wish you were. But what happens when we want to take off that mask and go back to being that same person. After so long you dont know which one is the original and which one is the mask.

Mums new family

It really is, out of sight out of mind.
I left the country and I had heaps of people who i thought were my friends and now that im back i constantly feel like i have NONE!
Mum's just been away with her fiance and his 2 girls - and i didnt even hear from her once. I rang her on the first day to see how it as going and she told me she was busy.... and would call me later
and i never heard from her.
I didnt even know when she was coming home apart from the fact i txt her and asked her and she replied with - on the way home now!

I feel like i am constantly getting in the way of her happy family!!