update on me now

So quick update:
these last few weeks have i've been on a bit of a downward spiral. I have been cutting back on my food intake, only having 4 crackers for lunch and either soup for dinner or nothing at all.
ive been drinking alot to try and make me forget about the feelings of lonlieness and self hate, i drink and be loud in hope that the drink will just drown out all those dark feelings! but it never does and i end up coming home and cutting myself or purging to make me feel empty and light!!

This weekend has been getting particularly worse - i ate one cracker over the whole weekend, i went out on friday and got so drunk - i was compltley smashed by 8pm! so then on sat i was so hungover i tried to eat something but vomited straight away! then went to work sat night - nice distraction!
then sunday had a cracker before i went out, and had a coffee then to work again!
they provided some dinner, i got some plain rice and had a mouthful but threw the rest away. then today i had some crackers, and some carrot sticks and got home tonight and went straight to the cupboard and stuffed my face then went and purged until my stomach and head and throat hurt!! :(

I dunno what i feel anymore, i dont want to go down this road cos i know it leads to isolation and hurting others and myself but i jus dont see any other way. i jus want to be thin, i want to empty, i want to be perfect and light and pretty and "NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS THIN FEELS!"
I need to find a balance! i need to get my head together and harden up. im not even thin yet, why am i such a mess!! if i cant handle it now i dont deserve to even try!