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After I signed it - and at the end of the session she said - "Nice doing business with you"
I feel like a transaction, like a number on her belt, just another item for her to diagnose and treat.:'(
We talked about food in today's session and the rules i have - she kept saying "That's interesting"
I told her I hadn't eaten today cos I felt so disgusting after eating a lot since Monday and she went on and on about it being a choice that I have and I can chose to be run by my emotional mind (which apparently) what I am doing right now or I can choose to use my WISE MIND and plan and go home and eat something - something small like vegies and some protein.
I told her, it doesn't feel like I have a choice in this. Today doesn't feel like my choice and she said that I have to want to get better and want a better life and if I really honestly do want a better life then I will use my WISE MIND and chose to do something to help myself work towards a better life....
FUCKWISEMIND I don't have a wise mind.
My day is being ruled by anorexia it's not as simple as choosing to "use" wise-fucking-mind and just do it. I want to but i CAN'T. Food is not my friend today. I am too fat for food. If I eat tonight I will need to cut and I don't want to cut so it's easier if I don't eat.
I don't want this life but today just feels too much. I don't want to cut so if I control my food then I won't need to cut. That makes sense doesn't it!?!?
She is very pushy and tough and I will feel bad if I lie. I don't know what I will say. Maybe she won't ask me - a week later she won't remember tonight's conversation.
a ONE year contract. ONE year of therapy. What if I'm not normal in ONE year. 12 months. 365 days. 52 weeks. That's 52 sessions to fix me?! That does not seem like a lot!
ONE YEAR and then I am free, normal, perfect, cured, non borderline personality free?!?!?! SERIOUSLY?
bring on DBT
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