Stuck in this battle

Feels like people go THROUGH battles, they go through a tough time and come out the other side- all I seem to do is struggle over and over again. Nothing I seem to do helps me feel closer to freedom.
I am stuck on this merry-go-fucking-round eating disorder.

I don't know if borderline personality disorder is the box I fit in. My T thinks the ED and self harm are symptoms of BPD but what if the ED is separate- these feelings, these ED thoughts, this self hate is this part of BPD?
I want to deal with the self hate, I want to like myself the way I am, I want to be ok with my body ... But fact is- I'm not. I constantly feel worthless and useless ad I do not know how I can keep going sometime.

I sometimes wish I would die in my sleep- then it would be a tragedy not a suicide