I haven't posted for a while, I haven't written for a while, I haven't really done much for a while.
I was 53 days self harm free until tonight - I think I need stitches but steri strips will have to make do as usual.
I'm feeling pretty low at the moment.
Feeling worthless and like a generally crappy human being.
I hurt someone who was only trying to be nice. But I don't handle things/anything well and those intense feelings, emotions, thoughts he was having towards me - FREAKED me out. I don't want a guy to be thinking that way towards me, let alone tell me he thinks that way. Yes I am abnormal. I don't think about guys a lot. I don't think about any feelings I am having. I AVOID EVERYTHING
All I ever wanted was friendship and the more I tried to take a step back and decide how to approach it, the more intense it got and the further I wanted to run.
I know his state of mind- I go to that state of mind too but it a different sense, so of course I couldn't/wouldn't just tell him to F off - 1. that's mean and not me anyway and 2. I was afraid of what he may do and I could not handle being responsible for that.
I think this is all I am going to share on this - there is more going on in my head but I can barely breathe at the moment, let alone blog
Work is hard -although today finally made a break through, i stepped up and voiced my concerns, saying I was confused about my job description and what it is I should and should not be doing as candidate consultant, so we cleared that up and while i was at it I asked about my salary review! And woah behold - i got a slight raise and even better news, it's being back dated to last month BONUS!
Anorexia, will kill me
If Self harm doesn't get there first.
I am restricting but not enough to dramatically lose weight. I don't want to alarm anyone and also I don't know if i want to stop. I mean of course I want to be free and live a normal happy life, but giving up my anorexia and eating normally just is NOT me
DBT group is pretty shit - therapy in general is pretty shit. With my last team, i never once cancelled or didnt show- this time it's all i do. They don't give a damn about me and I don't give a damn about them. Get this number 545 in and out of here (i have numbered myself 545 - not sure why)
In group on tuesday they said to me i need to decide on my "Life Worth Living Goals" otherwise there isn't much point in me attending..... I can barely think about next week and they want me to come up with LIFE WORTHFUCKING LIVING GOALS?! What if I don't want to live and I'm only here so i don't hurt others?
OK blog is long enough for now.
To living another day <3
I was 53 days self harm free until tonight - I think I need stitches but steri strips will have to make do as usual.
I'm feeling pretty low at the moment.
Feeling worthless and like a generally crappy human being.
I hurt someone who was only trying to be nice. But I don't handle things/anything well and those intense feelings, emotions, thoughts he was having towards me - FREAKED me out. I don't want a guy to be thinking that way towards me, let alone tell me he thinks that way. Yes I am abnormal. I don't think about guys a lot. I don't think about any feelings I am having. I AVOID EVERYTHING
All I ever wanted was friendship and the more I tried to take a step back and decide how to approach it, the more intense it got and the further I wanted to run.
I know his state of mind- I go to that state of mind too but it a different sense, so of course I couldn't/wouldn't just tell him to F off - 1. that's mean and not me anyway and 2. I was afraid of what he may do and I could not handle being responsible for that.
I think this is all I am going to share on this - there is more going on in my head but I can barely breathe at the moment, let alone blog
Work is hard -although today finally made a break through, i stepped up and voiced my concerns, saying I was confused about my job description and what it is I should and should not be doing as candidate consultant, so we cleared that up and while i was at it I asked about my salary review! And woah behold - i got a slight raise and even better news, it's being back dated to last month BONUS!
Anorexia, will kill me
If Self harm doesn't get there first.
I am restricting but not enough to dramatically lose weight. I don't want to alarm anyone and also I don't know if i want to stop. I mean of course I want to be free and live a normal happy life, but giving up my anorexia and eating normally just is NOT me
DBT group is pretty shit - therapy in general is pretty shit. With my last team, i never once cancelled or didnt show- this time it's all i do. They don't give a damn about me and I don't give a damn about them. Get this number 545 in and out of here (i have numbered myself 545 - not sure why)
In group on tuesday they said to me i need to decide on my "Life Worth Living Goals" otherwise there isn't much point in me attending..... I can barely think about next week and they want me to come up with LIFE WORTHFUCKING LIVING GOALS?! What if I don't want to live and I'm only here so i don't hurt others?OK blog is long enough for now.
To living another day <3
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