So i had an arguement with my sister today.
I went downstairs and was talking to her and she said she had a theory on why i was coughing again so much - and that is was cos im not eating again.
I said i am and said i was 51 kgs and she didnt believe me
I went upstairs and said "isnt 51kgs fat enough for you" and she yelled back "grow up amy"
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So the thing is - about 3 weeks ago i cut my food intake then stopped eating. And weighed 48kgs but now i thought i was doing ok, i ate dinner and something small every day last week.
I weighed myself this morning and am 51 kgs.
AND THATS THE TRUTH!
I thought i was doing good and felt proud of myself cos i had eaten something every day last week when i had the opportunity to starve myself for 8 days straight. But i didnt.
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I went upstairs and cut myself cos i was so angry that she doesnt believe me and that i had tried so hard all for nothing.
She then went shopping without me (without even saying anything to me too) and Vaughan went out and i was upset cos she had done that...
so i punched the wall and now my knuckles are all brusied and swollen.
But it released the anger...
Then after kelly acting like that this morning and not believing me. I sorta think whats the point in trying cos she doesnt believe me anyway.
Saturday, 18 April 2009
Monday, 13 April 2009
Why
Why do i want to be miserable??
Why cant i be happy??
I went out to my mates place today for lunch. They were having this big family lunch thing.
everything was going well... i ate some food and doing ok... but started thinking bout my family and how close these guys all are and how i miss my family...
I ended up making an excuse to go home cos i felt so crap... I jus wanna be with my mum and friends. Why didnt i go away with my sister... im really regreting staying home. It was nice having scott down but now i am alone and i hate it. Im sitting here drinking cider to try and make me feel better - even tho i know i will only feel worse.
Why is that when i drink i always have the urge to step out into traffic or hang myself or something silly. Its not that i want to do it... its that i get the urge to do it like its my only choice.
i dunno
I jus wanna be happy!
Why cant i be happy??
I went out to my mates place today for lunch. They were having this big family lunch thing.
everything was going well... i ate some food and doing ok... but started thinking bout my family and how close these guys all are and how i miss my family...
I ended up making an excuse to go home cos i felt so crap... I jus wanna be with my mum and friends. Why didnt i go away with my sister... im really regreting staying home. It was nice having scott down but now i am alone and i hate it. Im sitting here drinking cider to try and make me feel better - even tho i know i will only feel worse.
Why is that when i drink i always have the urge to step out into traffic or hang myself or something silly. Its not that i want to do it... its that i get the urge to do it like its my only choice.
i dunno
I jus wanna be happy!
Friday, 10 April 2009
Scott
So Scott came down from London yesterday. I hadnt eaten all day.
We went down to the Pier and then out to dinner.... i had some pizza... we sat and talked for ages and i didnt even feel bad that i had eaten.
Then today i had more food than i normally would have.
I kinda feel ok, im freaking out that im gonna get on the scales tomoro morning and be twice my weight but i cant show it to scott cos he will think im crazy!
I really like him, i think.
I have told him that before once through a txt but he has a girl (or something) back in NZ. Thing is he comes all the way down here to spend his days off with no drinking etc. and today when we were walking along he puts his arm around my middle. Kelly says not to read into it but its hard not too.
I dunno.
I dont know if i could do anything with him cos i dont wanna freak out on him and ruin it completley. Which i think i would. I really want to be able to be with someone but i jus cant get there.
We havent even kissed. And i dont wanna make the first move cos i have told him how i feel so yeah... dont wanna be rejected again.
We went down to the Pier and then out to dinner.... i had some pizza... we sat and talked for ages and i didnt even feel bad that i had eaten.
Then today i had more food than i normally would have.
I kinda feel ok, im freaking out that im gonna get on the scales tomoro morning and be twice my weight but i cant show it to scott cos he will think im crazy!
I really like him, i think.
I have told him that before once through a txt but he has a girl (or something) back in NZ. Thing is he comes all the way down here to spend his days off with no drinking etc. and today when we were walking along he puts his arm around my middle. Kelly says not to read into it but its hard not too.
I dunno.
I dont know if i could do anything with him cos i dont wanna freak out on him and ruin it completley. Which i think i would. I really want to be able to be with someone but i jus cant get there.
We havent even kissed. And i dont wanna make the first move cos i have told him how i feel so yeah... dont wanna be rejected again.
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
confused
I feel so lost right now..
Here i am given this opportunity to get better and have private counselling and i dont know whether i am gonna do it or not.
I mean of course i want to get better but at the same time can i actually give this up?
This anorexia has been apart of me, comforts me, tells me the honest truth (ok maybe not) is my friend, my safety net, my life, Can i give it up.
Who will i be without it? What kind of person am i really?
Of course i dont want to be like this all my life, i would love to be happy healthy and having fun but i jus rely on anorexia so much to give me what i really want. And thats to be in control.
If i start "recovery" then i start losing control.
I feel like im going mad.
I dunno whether to hit something, scream or cry or what!!
I think i need to stop being ridiculous and take the help while it is being offered. And hopefully start to get rid of thishorrid voice inside my head. Everytime i say to myself i can do it - its like an echo saying NO YOU CANT... and its very persuasive!!
hmmmmmmmm
Here i am given this opportunity to get better and have private counselling and i dont know whether i am gonna do it or not.
I mean of course i want to get better but at the same time can i actually give this up?
This anorexia has been apart of me, comforts me, tells me the honest truth (ok maybe not) is my friend, my safety net, my life, Can i give it up.
Who will i be without it? What kind of person am i really?
Of course i dont want to be like this all my life, i would love to be happy healthy and having fun but i jus rely on anorexia so much to give me what i really want. And thats to be in control.
If i start "recovery" then i start losing control.
I feel like im going mad.
I dunno whether to hit something, scream or cry or what!!
I think i need to stop being ridiculous and take the help while it is being offered. And hopefully start to get rid of thishorrid voice inside my head. Everytime i say to myself i can do it - its like an echo saying NO YOU CANT... and its very persuasive!!
hmmmmmmmm
Sunday, 5 April 2009
Progress or what?
So my mum called here today and talked to my sister about me for about 30minutes.
She said she just wants me to get better and will do anything she can to help. She even offered to pay for private counselling if want it.
I have been such a grump the last couple weeks feeling down and useless.
Thing is i am back under 50kgs... weighing in at 48kgs. I know not much under 50 but still under!! And i dont wanna ruin that by eating heaps and putting the weight back on.
Right now im undecided about what to do.
My sister also said she doesnt want me to move to london. She wants me to stay here so i can get better. But i think i need to go to London and do this for myself.
She said she just wants me to get better and will do anything she can to help. She even offered to pay for private counselling if want it.
I have been such a grump the last couple weeks feeling down and useless.
Thing is i am back under 50kgs... weighing in at 48kgs. I know not much under 50 but still under!! And i dont wanna ruin that by eating heaps and putting the weight back on.
Right now im undecided about what to do.
My sister also said she doesnt want me to move to london. She wants me to stay here so i can get better. But i think i need to go to London and do this for myself.
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Unwanted/Unloved
Latley i been feeling really unloved and unwanted around here.
Josh just screams when i come into the room and doesnt want me to pick him up or anything. Doesnt want me around..
Kelly doesnt talk to me much and is acting all funny so she doesnt want me around
And as much as Vaughan says im wanted and welcome to stay I know he will be glad to see me gone.
I think the sooner i move to London the better. They can get on with being a family and enjoy themselves without me bringing them down.
I sent Kel that really long email and got no reply - she said to me on sunday when she was in my room that she read the mail and that was about it.
Josh just screams when i come into the room and doesnt want me to pick him up or anything. Doesnt want me around..
Kelly doesnt talk to me much and is acting all funny so she doesnt want me around
And as much as Vaughan says im wanted and welcome to stay I know he will be glad to see me gone.
I think the sooner i move to London the better. They can get on with being a family and enjoy themselves without me bringing them down.
I sent Kel that really long email and got no reply - she said to me on sunday when she was in my room that she read the mail and that was about it.
Monday, 30 March 2009
Facebook Conversation
Kelly
28 March at 10:07
Of course they would notice and all would be devasted!! Why didnt you call me?This is reason I dont want u to move to London, cause I'm scared you will not eat properly and get really sick or even worse do something stupid. You are a beautiful person who has so much to live for and look forward to! There was no reason for you to stay away last night, all we did was watch TV and were in bed at 10.00pm cause we were both tired.See u sometime today :-)
Amy
28 March at 20:13
Last night while cathy and i were walking home we were talking about our families back home and i felt a bit down cos i dont hear from anyone and whenever i try and call when im upset no ones around.I tried to call mum on my way to work on friday it would have been 9.30pm in NZ and she didnt answer. So i txt her saying would be good to chat to her and still havent heard from her. I wasnt going to do anything stupid (as you put it) i was jus feeling crap. (as i usually do when i drink)Im scared to move to london too - but i think it might be good for me. A chance to start over. I know that my problems wont magically disappear - and i want to deal with what happened. but i cant sit around and wait for the counsellor to call me. I will still do the counselling if and when they want me. I will come down for it from london. I cant promise that when i move to london that i will eat "properly"But i will try. I do eat. I jus eat when i am hungry and i know i HAVE to eat to live. And most of the time i want to live. I wont get sick cos i know my limits and i know that i need to eat.I jus prefer to eat away from others cos i hate being watched and feeling like im being pressured to eat. the reason i purge is cos its the only way i feel like i am in control again. I hate doing it but its what i have to do to feel good. I am sorry that i am not strong enough to fight this. I feel so useless for failing over and over again. But i jus dont see myself without this. I would love to be "normal" and i dont enjoy this at all. I dont enjoy or want to be like this. But its who i am. I know what i am doing is wrong and hurting myself (and you guys) but i just cant stop. I look at myself in the mirror and see this horrible fat person staring back at me and all i want is to be thin and liked. I can see exactly where i put on weight and i sometimes think i can feel myself getting fat. I know it sounds crazy and i cant imagine what you are thinking. But im trying to explain it.When i first got here, it was really nice to have someone worry about me and ask me everything and want to know stuff. It made me feel like i could actually fight this, but after a while i realised all i have done is made it harder for you cos now you know so much. I should never have opened up becuase now i feel so guilty cos i havent hide it. Sometimes i wish i could jus be left alone to starve. but at the same time i dont want that. I dont know. Its so hard to explain. I dont know how long its taken me to write this bloody thing. but it seemed easier than trying to think on the spot and say it face to face. I would prob jus end up crying. im sorry that i am doing this to you guys. Its not fair on you. And if i could take it all back and be normal i would. I love you guys so much and i cry thinking about what a pain in the ass i am being. Thanks for not giving up on me. you are both the best family anyone could ask for!! I love living here and will miss you soOOo much!! Sorry its so long!xx
WHY?
whenever someone changes their plans with me i get upset and feel like they are doing it to hurt me! When i knwo they arent. But i just cant help feeling crap.
Last night mum and I were supposed to skype call but she couldnt get her camera working so we were gonna do it this morning at 9am. At 9.15 i txt her asking when we were gonna call and she said she would be home in 20 mins and we could do it then.
And that made me feel shit. I was angry cos she had mucked me around but at the same time i felt like she did it on purpose to make me feel bad.
Then my sister says "calm down" and laughs.
So then i think she is laughing at me cos i have got upset about it. and then i feel worse cos now 2 people are having a laugh at me. I DONT KNOW!
I feel like i know it should affect me like that. But it does and i cant help but turn something so small and not important into something massive that makes me upset. Why cant i jus shrug it off and go oh well. I always make it worse than it is so that i feel worse.
On Thursday Vaughan (my brother in law) came home stressed and him and kelly went upstairs to talk. I felt like i was in the way cos they were forced to go upstairs to get privacy. But i didnt have to eat my dinner cos there was no one around to make me.
So then Friday i got some stuff together before work cos i thought i should stay away for the night and give them some privacy and space and what not.
And my sister got grumpy with me saying its got nothing to do with me and i dont have to stay away. But Whatever were her words!
So i emailed her from work saying that i know its got nothing to do with me but it would be nicer if im not there.
So i ended up feeling bad cos i was trying to be nice.
Last night mum and I were supposed to skype call but she couldnt get her camera working so we were gonna do it this morning at 9am. At 9.15 i txt her asking when we were gonna call and she said she would be home in 20 mins and we could do it then.
And that made me feel shit. I was angry cos she had mucked me around but at the same time i felt like she did it on purpose to make me feel bad.
Then my sister says "calm down" and laughs.
So then i think she is laughing at me cos i have got upset about it. and then i feel worse cos now 2 people are having a laugh at me. I DONT KNOW!
I feel like i know it should affect me like that. But it does and i cant help but turn something so small and not important into something massive that makes me upset. Why cant i jus shrug it off and go oh well. I always make it worse than it is so that i feel worse.
On Thursday Vaughan (my brother in law) came home stressed and him and kelly went upstairs to talk. I felt like i was in the way cos they were forced to go upstairs to get privacy. But i didnt have to eat my dinner cos there was no one around to make me.
So then Friday i got some stuff together before work cos i thought i should stay away for the night and give them some privacy and space and what not.
And my sister got grumpy with me saying its got nothing to do with me and i dont have to stay away. But Whatever were her words!
So i emailed her from work saying that i know its got nothing to do with me but it would be nicer if im not there.
So i ended up feeling bad cos i was trying to be nice.
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
Update
So ive been purging for a few weeks now. And not lost any weight. I am going insane... i am eating less but not losing anything!!
I had a melt down a couple fridays ago... had been drinking (of course) i was up in my room and crying and tried to hang myself with a belt but the belt broke and i failed!
So then i cut myself quite bad and it bled so much (prob cos of the alcohol too!)
then i went to bed and txt my sister who was downstairs. Jus said i could use a hug from her.
She came straight up and i told her bout trying to hang myself. She didnt know what to say and jus cried.
I felt worse. She said knew about me throwing up and doesnt know what to do. she wants to help but cant and cant undestand why i am doing this and said its like i enjoy feel sorry for myself and thats why i dont get better. like i dont want to.
That was 2 weeks ago. They went away for the weekend and i ate nothing for the rest of the weekend, and still lost no weight. :(
Went to amsterdam and ate - not alot but i ate. and i purged too.
Im not taking my anti depressants and already feel like crap and cry all the time!!
I dont really know where my head is at the mo. I am trying to be strong cos vaughan has been stressed out and i dont wanna cause problems.
I am feeling so useless and fat and like such a failure... its doing my head in!!
I had a melt down a couple fridays ago... had been drinking (of course) i was up in my room and crying and tried to hang myself with a belt but the belt broke and i failed!
So then i cut myself quite bad and it bled so much (prob cos of the alcohol too!)
then i went to bed and txt my sister who was downstairs. Jus said i could use a hug from her.
She came straight up and i told her bout trying to hang myself. She didnt know what to say and jus cried.
I felt worse. She said knew about me throwing up and doesnt know what to do. she wants to help but cant and cant undestand why i am doing this and said its like i enjoy feel sorry for myself and thats why i dont get better. like i dont want to.
That was 2 weeks ago. They went away for the weekend and i ate nothing for the rest of the weekend, and still lost no weight. :(
Went to amsterdam and ate - not alot but i ate. and i purged too.
Im not taking my anti depressants and already feel like crap and cry all the time!!
I dont really know where my head is at the mo. I am trying to be strong cos vaughan has been stressed out and i dont wanna cause problems.
I am feeling so useless and fat and like such a failure... its doing my head in!!
work
So today at work, one of the girls in our team has been away sick for the last 2 weeks, she had one of those vomiting bugs. She is good mates with the girl who sits next to me, and she comes over a lot.
All she talks about is how much weight she lost and how disgusting it is! She lost a stone and 1/2 She is about 5'2 and is tiny any way - I have always been jealous. And now she is even smaller…and the girl next to me jus keeps saying how small she is and they both say how disgusting it is…
I had to run to the toilets cos I was crying cos I would kill to be that size. And I think she looks really nice, she is tiny… its not fair.. And now she jus keeps reminding me how big and fat and ugly I am!! GREAT!
All she talks about is how much weight she lost and how disgusting it is! She lost a stone and 1/2 She is about 5'2 and is tiny any way - I have always been jealous. And now she is even smaller…and the girl next to me jus keeps saying how small she is and they both say how disgusting it is…
I had to run to the toilets cos I was crying cos I would kill to be that size. And I think she looks really nice, she is tiny… its not fair.. And now she jus keeps reminding me how big and fat and ugly I am!! GREAT!
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