Embarrassed

So i cut my arm real bad the other night and ive had to put band aids on it cos its been bleeding.... and i put one of those cotton bandages things (llike when you sprain your wrist and its one of the sleeve thingys) on and ive been at work with it, and wearing my cardi but got so hot and one lady just asked me what i did to my wrist and i freaked out, paniked and said "i burnt myself" WTF?!

I should have said i hurt myself bowling last night, or i fell over but no i said i burnt myself!!

I dont know what they all think of me now!! FML !

im so embarrassed!!

Change Process Balance Sheet

So im completing this first part of the sheet and i have to list the positive aspects of my experience and the negative consequences.

So Positive Aspects

• I feel in control
• I know what foods are healthy and calorie content and how to burn calories and lose weight
• The feeling of losing weight feels like success and makes me feel good
• Losing weight makes me feel better about myself, more happier with myself
• Feels like i am finally good at something, when ive never been good at anything, have always been the useless dumb sibling so it feels like i am better at something than my famiy!
• Food distracts me from other thoughts and stresses
• Its something i know and i feel safe and comfortable knowing i can do this and be in control of something
• I am getting fit and healthy
• Being in a routine, and having daily habits - eating the same foods and the same times makes me feel sane and calmer. Keeps me feeling ordered and safe
• I have met some amazing people through my experience
• I feel stronger - mentally. Like i am finally finding out my strengths and who i am

Negative Conseqeunces

• I never feel thin - I AM FAT
• I feel guilty when i eat anything that is not on my safe list
• I am scared of eating and gaining weight - Actually I AM TERIFFIED
• I am never thin enough/good enough
• I annoy people with my constant battle with this
• I avoid some social situations cos i dont want to eat

Thats why Im so thin

The lady at work Candy asked me if i would like a sweet slice (left over from their training luncheon) i said no thank you, i dont really like sweet things....
and she then says - "thats why you are so thin, im so jealous, i would love to be as thin as you"
I dont think any one has ever said that to me before, it made me feel really good.
Ive got 2 voices going on right now ....
Voice 1 - wow am i really thin? I didnt think i had lost that much weight, maybe i have?
Voice 2 - Why the hell would she be jealous of me, she is obv being sarcastic and im not thin.
She has then bought me out a sandwhich thing -
Foccacia bread  (280) with lettuce(10), smoked chicken(60), avocado (50) and chutney (20).....
Im sitting here staring at it!!
Voice 1 - you could have a little bite, just eat the lettuce and chutney and throw the rest away, it smells so good, one bite can't hurt
Voice 2 - You've already had an apple today and i wont be going for a run tonight, how can i burn off 420 calories worth of fat in one evening?! I CANT!
Voice 1- maybe just dont eat the bread
Voice 2- but its still calories and IVE HAD AN APPLE

I want it, i think. I think im hungry. I kinda want to try it.
But i know 1 bite, leads to another and another and another and then it will be gone and i will be left feeling guilty and fat and the food will be sloshing around in my tummy while i sit at work and try to concentrate on working rather than burning the calories i would have consumed!!

Just realised the bread has butter on it too!!! EVEN WORSE!
It looks really yummy. and its been sitting there for almost 1 hour and i havent touched it.

I feel so in control but so lost at the same time!!

Not sure what to do next???

I think i need a coffee instead!!!

Food or not ?

It smells like food, it looks like food i bet it tastes like food. but its not realy food, its more like an insect trying to enter my body from the mouth and into my stomach where it slowly chews through my stomach and out my belly button while im sleeping, it wil slither away before i wake, and i dont even know it!
food - why do have to tempt me like this?
my head wants it (not it doesnt)
my body craves it (cos its fat craving fat)
so why wont i eat it?

the food is in the oven

Today ive had about 550 calories
Tea (2), starbucks coffee (150), 2 rice crakcers (80) and tuna lite (75) a bag of lite crisps (80) liqourice (150) and now im hungry and i have put 1 pattie (95) and 1 mini samosa (50) and a mini spring roll (50) in the oven...
im still deciding wether to eat it or not...
i want it cos im hungry but i know i shouldnt. i dont need it. i want it but my body doesnt need it.
maybe its burning while im writing this? and the choice wil be made
OMG just turned on tv to the biggest loser - i swear it was me on there!! IF ONLY SOMONE COULD HELP ME LOSE WEIGHT AND BE PERFECT!!!
yeah right!

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!

AM I NORMAL??

turned on the TV after reading my book for ages and an episode of SVU is on (special victims unit) its got jenniffer love hewitt and it goes step by step through her rape kit process and she talks about it all... and im sitting here wishing i could turn it off, yet i want to keep watching it.
i dunno why .....
Its hurting and ive been crying but at the same time i cant stop watching it...
i keep thinking that if she is ok - then so am i!
I know it sounds crazy cos its jus a tv show but i cannot stop watching!
i havent done anything stupid like this since i searched for him on facebook!!
i wonder if this is normal?
feeling like i relate to a tv show?!

I'm trying

At the moment, I am trying very hard not to be stressed, not be anxious, not to worry about anything and everything and most of all not to be depressed.

Im scared with work, cos as of tomorrow our new GM starts and i will taking over administration duties for all of Auckland but im terrified that i will screw it up.
I dont know where they order the stationery from? and how often? what if i mess it up?!
I'm trying to just think - it will all be ok.
but what if its not.

I keep telling myself and everyone else who asks how i am... that im doing ok. that im not actually depressed.
But what if its just the eating disorder thats masking it. what if my ed is keeping me happy cos im nt eating, cos ive lost some weight. <- i dont even know if thats possible or not!

i dunno.

guess i just have to keep trying!

The Wedding Day is almost here

Isn't it strange how we can put things in a little box and hide them away - never thinking about them but suddenly an innocent conversation brings all these emotions to the surface...
Go away thoughts - i thought i locked you in that box. When did that box open? Maybe i didnt close it tight enough!

Anyway ranting away - My mum is getting married tomorrow and i feel like everything is about to change. She is about to embark on her new life, with her new family and im scared of what will happen with her old family. Although we havent been a proper family for ages really- we are still family.
This is her chance at a happy family - she is the that stage of her life where she can afford alot more and spend more time at home with the kids - except they arent really her kids, they are her fiance (keiths)

I know she will always be MY mum but she isnt really my mum anymore - she has to be a good mum to the other girls now. I am scared i will get in the way and ruin their happy family, i already sometimes get in the way, do the wrong thing (in Keiths eyes) what if it gets worse when they are married.
I'm not part of THEIR family what if i get pushed out even further?!

I'm scared of losing my mum to them :'(

I havent thought about this for ages, I've concentrated on the fact that mum is so happy and loving life and its her life to be happy in and live. I just hurt sometimes thinking about this.

Colposcopy and lack of support for me!!

So this arvo my "best friend" christie was supposed to come and take me to my colposcopy appointment and hang out with me... more for moral support than anything and she cancelled 15 mins before she was due to pick me up - saying she was unwell.....
i was so annoyed - here i am going to have a procedure done to find out if i have cervical cancer and she is unwell
and by unwell (she emailed me in the morning) saying she was physically and mentally drained and just so incredibly tired she couldnt move!! <----- thats why i was annoyed...

I would do anything for my friends - no matter what shape i was in, no matter what time of the morning it was i would always help ANY of my friends (that includes al of you lovelies) but she is too tired to come and be with me knowing full well what i went through with the rape
Ok so i didnt tell her that the colposcopy was basically what they do for a rape kit - i didnt get a chance too cos she didnt show up!!

anyways - my friends are crap - never there for me when i truly need them!!

The appointment went ok, i ended up having a panic attack and told the nurse about having a rape kit done and she explained it wouldnt be as traumatic as that and also less painful, which it was - they also said that i may have the HPV virus but its doesnt look to be cancer - they are sending a biopsy away to find out for sure!!
Im in a bit of pain now - tummy cramps and weird tummy stuff but im in bed with a cup of tea (at 4.50pm) LOL

thats my update

Long time no post

Its been aaaages since i posted on here, i guess im writing everything on my facebook notes.... seems easier. But i will do an update...

After the hospital evening mum started hassling me about what i should do, donna (our family friend) was txting me too.
I then had an assessment with the mental health team, who wanted me to find a doctor and also go and visit the ED team once every 2 weeks. She said the cusp for diagnosing anorexia is a BMI of 17.5 and my BMI is 17.6 :/

Ive been up and down since then, im trying to be ok but im back to purging food again! I feel so guilty for eating but i also feel so guilty for not being thin enough, sick enough i dunno what.
I just want to be thin - nothing else.

I've got so many health problems at the mo, non ed related - im having a scan on my hip which has been sore since xmas, and maybe have a cortisone injection to hopefuly fix it. Im having a colposcopy next wed to find out if i have cervical cancer!!

I'm drinking more and more - its a good distraction and a good release!! but also prob a good weight gain!!

Im basically living on my own at the moment too, my cousin is either working or with her boyfriend. I havent really spoken to her properly for weeks, it sucks!!

but im just struggling on.....