Thoughts

I had 3 hours of fitness and squash training today. I wonder how many calories i burned.
I came home, i showered and i talked myself into having dinner.
I weighed it up in my head. and decided that since i had only eaten a scone and done lots of exercise to the point of exhuastion i could have dinner. Salmon and vegies ( but then i ate 3 weight watchers biscuits as well )

I ate my dinner - in relative normality
I convinced myself NOT to purge - even though my insides were screaming to get this food out of me... and i felt sick, I don't know if it was the food was bad, or if i was telling myself i was sick so that i could justify purging.
but i didnt. I busied myself with cleaning, washing dishes, tidying up my room and now i sit here wondering why i allowed myself to eat. I feel disgusting and can feel my stomach expanding with food and fat and horrible stuff

I'm going to have a cup of tea now.
I am craving chocolate and feel like i could binge but i dont want to but i dont know how to stop myself from bingeing and purging so i'm going to have a cup of tea and busy myself with facebook...... the modern day technology is such a good distraction!!!

I can fool anyone

Tonight I ate dinner, I ate lamb and salad and a potato and broccoli. I then ate chocolate and proceeded to say .... Yummy- I love chocolate...

Mum was happy - she smiled, she is happy to have me home and happy that I am feeling better.....

I can fool mum
I bet you think I am "recovered"
I bet you think I am "ok"

I can now get on to losing weight without you pushing me to get help.

Now i just need to convince Maree (my ED lady) that Australia was good for me and really helped me get perspective on everything and that I ate food while I was away and I will keep going with my eating food thing.

Let the performance begin

Melbourne - Australia Part 2

So today is my last day in Melbourne and I am already preparing and planning for what to do when I get home.
I have been on holiday for 2 weeks and I'm so suprised that I havent gained weight. I have sneakily weighed myself a couple of times, including this morning and I'm still the same as when i left!?!
I'm teriffied that I'm going to get home and weigh myself and find I have gained weight - i feel like I have gained ALOT of weight - at least 2 kgs!!
I have definately let myself go whilst I've been on holiday - I have been eating sweets and chocolate and breads and not been purging and not done ANY exercise - apart from shopping :/
I feel so guilty for it but I am justifying it in my head and as I stated earlier am planning how i can get back on top of it and lose the flab!!
Its been really good being in Melbourne - I love this city and its been so nice seeing my sister and her kids! I love them to bits!!

I got to meet Jenna - who I have known on facebook and bebo for like 3 years! So that was really good to finally meet her and I also met Noula - who i met on facebook- she is so aware and so clued on with recovery and i felt guilty cos I am so so different!
I get frustrated and angry at myself sometimes cos why can't I be text box anorexia and get sick and get thin then go into hospital and get treatment and get better. Why do I have to be so lost in all of this and not allow myself to get "too ill" and not let ana take over me 100% and my life?!
Why do I pretend to be so normal and be ok when i could just let it take over and be put in hospital and that be it :/
Why do I hold onto my strength and fight against this so much cos I constantly just feel like I'm limbo - stuck  between recovery and anorexia not really knowing where the lines are between both so some months I'm completly immersed in my eating disorder and other months (like the last 2 weeks I've been here in Aus) I've been able to NOT let it control every aspect of my life.
I know I cant live like this forever -but then I think maybe I can - maybe I can go through life in limbo land - living from high to low, low to high and eating and starving and exercising and partying and being normal and crying at nothing.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm really ill at all - or if I am so good at pretending that this whole "ana" is just another charade that I can put on.

I think I'm thinking too much or maybe not enough and maybe I should just go with the flow - see what happens....

Lesson Learnt

Chocolate tastes so good - i forgot how yummy it actually was because I havent eaten it so long
I have eaten chocolate every day for the last few days
I looked at it first and then i heard "Its ok, you're on holiday" I thought to myself "how badly do i want this"
but all i could hear was that reasoning telling me its ok to eat the stupid chocolate and now ive eaten it for the last 4 days and I feel disgusting and fat and horrible for it.
And all i can hear now is laughter coming from inside my head - laughter aimed AT me, cos i am a stupid worthless failed anorexic....
she is reminding me why i cant be free cos i am too useless to eat normally
I cant eat normally cos there is no normal, what is normal? Who determines what is normal?
Normal for me is NOT EATING or eating very miniamal to keep my weight at under 50kgs
I cannot do anything else, i dont want to try.
Its me and you ana - you wanted me to listen to you and i did, i listened when you allowed me to eat some chocolate and i am listening now when you are telling me I AM FAT and that is cos of the chocolate

Lesson learnt

Melbourne - Australia

So I've been in Australia for a week now and in that week i have eaten, cried, NOT purged had 2 panic attacks and wanted to cut so bad!! :(

My mind is racing with thoughts and feelings but the big one is guilt!

I thought that i would be able to come over here and just be normal, that coming over here would be a good thing and would help me and for the first 2 days i did well, wednesday i had lunch and dinner and a hot x bun, i even had some chocolate, thursday i had sushi for lunch and dinner and more chocolate then friday i had some more food - bread and dips and went out drinking and now I FEEL FAT AND DISGUSTING!
I had a panic attack last night - Tuesday night - cos it all just got too much.
I've feel like i have lost all control, i am scared of losing more control. I'm teriffied at how much weight i have gained, at how less exercise i am doing, at the food i am eating and putting into my body and NOT purging!
i just want to go back to wednesday and start again!
I have lost my normal daily routine and its scarying the hell out of me !!
I cant explain why its scaring me so much......

Last night when i was having my panic attack my sister came in and sat on the bed for a whlie then said "should i leave or stay" and whilst still having the panic attack and crying i managed to get out - "STAY" :'(
she just said I need to start dealing with everything and make a choice between life and living my life to the full and this eating disorder.

i wish it was that simple - i wish i didnt think like this, feel like this EVERYTIME i eat.
I want to eat normally and coming here i thought i could and now i realise i cant.
I want my egg whites, apples and vegies back :( i want to be feeling empty. Not like im starving  but not FULL OF ugly food

PLEASE MAKE ME STOP :'(
I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!

I love being in Melbourne but i hate all this choice in food and hate that i am eating so much!!
My sisters house is full of food and tonight i was home alone and i got really excited cos i hadnt eaten all this kind of food in so long and i heard that voice tell me, "go on - just try some - you're on holiday" and so i did and i ate some of everything and then all i heard was
" NOW YOU WILL BE FAT AND WILL LISTEN TO ME BEFORE EATING"

What the changes look like

What do the Stages of Change look like?

The Stages of Change in the process of recovery from anorexia or bulimia are best viewed as a cycle rather than a linear progression. The person may go through this cycle more than one time or may need to revisit a particular stage before moving on to the next. She may also go through the stages for each individual eating disorder symptom. In other words, if she is recovering from anorexia, she could be in the Action Stage for restrictive eating (e.g., eating three meals a day along with snacks, engaging in social eating, and utilizing support system) while, at the same time, she could be going through the Contemplation Stage for body image and weight concerns (e.g., becoming aware of how body image is tied to self-esteem and self-worth, defining oneself as a body or number, and identifying the negatives of striving for the "perfect body"). This is precisely why recovery from an eating disorder is complex, individualized, and challenging.

Stages of change!

What are the Stages of Change?

There are five Stages of Change that occur in the recovery process: Pre-contemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Action, and Maintenance.
The Pre-contemplation Stage is evident when a person does not believe she has a problem. Those who are close to her are bound to pick up on symptoms such as restrictive eating, the binge/purge cycle, or a preoccupation with weight, shape, and appearance even before the individual admits to it. She may refuse to discuss the topic and deny she needs help. At this stage, it is necessary to gently educate the individual about the devastating effects the disorder will have on her health and life, and the positive aspects of change.
The Contemplation Stage occurs when the individual is willing to admit that she has a problem and is now open to receiving help. The fear of change may be very strong, and it is during this phase that a psychotherapist should assist the individual in discovering the function of her eating disorder so she can understand why it is in her life and how it no longer serves her. This, in turn, helps the individual in moving closer toward the next stage of change.
The person transitions into the Preparation Stage when she is ready to change, but is uncertain about how to do it. Time is spent establishing specific coping skills such as appropriate boundary setting and assertiveness, effective ways of dealing with negative eating disorder thoughts and emotions, and ways to tend to her personal needs. Potential barriers to change are identified. A plan of action is developed by the treatment team, (i.e. psychotherapist, nutritionist, and physician) as well as the individual and designated family members. Generally, a list of people to call during times of crisis is created at this juncture.
The Action Stagebegins when the person is ready to implement her strategy and confront the eating disorder behavior head on. At this point, she is open to trying new ideas and behaviors and willing to face fears in order for the change to occur. Trusting the treatment team and her support network is essential to making the Action Stage successful.
The Maintenance Stage evolves when the person has sustained the Action Stage for approximately six months or longer. During this period, she is actively practicing her new behaviors and new ways of thinking as well as consistently using both healthy self-care and coping skills. Part of this stage also includes revisiting potential triggers in order to prevent relapse, establishing new areas of interests, and beginning to live her life in a meaningful way.



http://www.bulimia.com/client/client_pages/stages_of_recovery.cfm

Quote

"An event or experience can be perceived as stressful or ‘blessful’ depending on our perceptions and attitudes. The quality of our lives is based upon the quality of the questions we ask ourselves. If we ask questions that help us see how outer events and experiences serve our highest values we transform ‘stressings’ into ‘blessings’. We then add years to life and life to years."

A good night? or bad night?

So tonight i went to the squash club with mum and her husband for dinner.
I ate some wedges (first time i've had potatoes in months) some salad - not much of either according to mum but still i ate.
When we got our food, i asked if we could sit over on the tables rather than up with everyone cos i was struggling enough as it was to eat without sitting surrounded by others. so we went and sat down and ate and i was feeling ok, maybe even good.
then keith (mums husband) left without saying anything.
he said it was cos we sat over on the tables and not up with him

I feel like its my fault they argued, cos if i hadnt have been there for dinner i wouldnt have dragged her away and they woudlnt have fought.

Therefore, if i eat i cause problems

I feel like i ruin things, i burden people with my problems, i am a waste of space

i came home and tried to purge but couldnt and now i want to cut!! :(
it is what i feel i deserve!!

Left to do my own thing

So my sister emailed me today and asked me what i wanted to do about food while I'm in Melbourne with her. She said
"Do you just want to eat what we have for dinner or would you prefer to do yr own thing – I can get whatever u want in the shopping & you can sort yourself out.  Anyway whatever makes you feel most comfortable so have a think about it & let me know."

I dont know what to say ... 
I know what I want to do and what I should do.
I don't know if i will be able to sit down to a meal with them, what if i panic and they have pizza or something and i cant purge?!
I'm in 2 minds. 

Voice 1: Yes please leave me to my own, so i can eat my egg white for breakfast, my apple for lunch and my cup of tea for dinner, with the occasional binge and purge and lose more weight while I'm over there, so I can come home and people can say - wow have you lost weight, you look so good-


Voice 2: No please don't leave me to my own, otherwise I wont eat and I'm hoping that coming over to Melbourne will help me remember how I used to be cos I cant seem to remember what it was like to eat normal and feel normal when eating