So today is my last day in Melbourne and I am already preparing and planning for what to do when I get home.
I have been on holiday for 2 weeks and I'm so suprised that I havent gained weight. I have sneakily weighed myself a couple of times, including this morning and I'm still the same as when i left!?!
I'm teriffied that I'm going to get home and weigh myself and find I have gained weight - i feel like I have gained ALOT of weight - at least 2 kgs!!
I have definately let myself go whilst I've been on holiday - I have been eating sweets and chocolate and breads and not been purging and not done ANY exercise - apart from shopping :/
I feel so guilty for it but I am justifying it in my head and as I stated earlier am planning how i can get back on top of it and lose the flab!!
Its been really good being in Melbourne - I love this city and its been so nice seeing my sister and her kids! I love them to bits!!
I got to meet Jenna - who I have known on facebook and bebo for like 3 years! So that was really good to finally meet her and I also met Noula - who i met on facebook- she is so aware and so clued on with recovery and i felt guilty cos I am so so different!
I get frustrated and angry at myself sometimes cos why can't I be text box anorexia and get sick and get thin then go into hospital and get treatment and get better. Why do I have to be so lost in all of this and not allow myself to get "too ill" and not let ana take over me 100% and my life?!
Why do I pretend to be so normal and be ok when i could just let it take over and be put in hospital and that be it :/
Why do I hold onto my strength and fight against this so much cos I constantly just feel like I'm limbo - stuck between recovery and anorexia not really knowing where the lines are between both so some months I'm completly immersed in my eating disorder and other months (like the last 2 weeks I've been here in Aus) I've been able to NOT let it control every aspect of my life.
I know I cant live like this forever -but then I think maybe I can - maybe I can go through life in limbo land - living from high to low, low to high and eating and starving and exercising and partying and being normal and crying at nothing.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm really ill at all - or if I am so good at pretending that this whole "ana" is just another charade that I can put on.
I think I'm thinking too much or maybe not enough and maybe I should just go with the flow - see what happens....
I have been on holiday for 2 weeks and I'm so suprised that I havent gained weight. I have sneakily weighed myself a couple of times, including this morning and I'm still the same as when i left!?!
I'm teriffied that I'm going to get home and weigh myself and find I have gained weight - i feel like I have gained ALOT of weight - at least 2 kgs!!
I have definately let myself go whilst I've been on holiday - I have been eating sweets and chocolate and breads and not been purging and not done ANY exercise - apart from shopping :/
I feel so guilty for it but I am justifying it in my head and as I stated earlier am planning how i can get back on top of it and lose the flab!!
Its been really good being in Melbourne - I love this city and its been so nice seeing my sister and her kids! I love them to bits!!
I got to meet Jenna - who I have known on facebook and bebo for like 3 years! So that was really good to finally meet her and I also met Noula - who i met on facebook- she is so aware and so clued on with recovery and i felt guilty cos I am so so different!
I get frustrated and angry at myself sometimes cos why can't I be text box anorexia and get sick and get thin then go into hospital and get treatment and get better. Why do I have to be so lost in all of this and not allow myself to get "too ill" and not let ana take over me 100% and my life?!
Why do I pretend to be so normal and be ok when i could just let it take over and be put in hospital and that be it :/
Why do I hold onto my strength and fight against this so much cos I constantly just feel like I'm limbo - stuck between recovery and anorexia not really knowing where the lines are between both so some months I'm completly immersed in my eating disorder and other months (like the last 2 weeks I've been here in Aus) I've been able to NOT let it control every aspect of my life.
I know I cant live like this forever -but then I think maybe I can - maybe I can go through life in limbo land - living from high to low, low to high and eating and starving and exercising and partying and being normal and crying at nothing.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm really ill at all - or if I am so good at pretending that this whole "ana" is just another charade that I can put on.
I think I'm thinking too much or maybe not enough and maybe I should just go with the flow - see what happens....
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