So I've been in Australia for a week now and in that week i have eaten, cried, NOT purged had 2 panic attacks and wanted to cut so bad!! :(
My mind is racing with thoughts and feelings but the big one is guilt!
I thought that i would be able to come over here and just be normal, that coming over here would be a good thing and would help me and for the first 2 days i did well, wednesday i had lunch and dinner and a hot x bun, i even had some chocolate, thursday i had sushi for lunch and dinner and more chocolate then friday i had some more food - bread and dips and went out drinking and now I FEEL FAT AND DISGUSTING!
I had a panic attack last night - Tuesday night - cos it all just got too much.
I've feel like i have lost all control, i am scared of losing more control. I'm teriffied at how much weight i have gained, at how less exercise i am doing, at the food i am eating and putting into my body and NOT purging!
i just want to go back to wednesday and start again!
I have lost my normal daily routine and its scarying the hell out of me !!
I cant explain why its scaring me so much......
Last night when i was having my panic attack my sister came in and sat on the bed for a whlie then said "should i leave or stay" and whilst still having the panic attack and crying i managed to get out - "STAY" :'(
she just said I need to start dealing with everything and make a choice between life and living my life to the full and this eating disorder.
i wish it was that simple - i wish i didnt think like this, feel like this EVERYTIME i eat.
I want to eat normally and coming here i thought i could and now i realise i cant.
I want my egg whites, apples and vegies back :( i want to be feeling empty. Not like im starving but not FULL OF ugly food
PLEASE MAKE ME STOP :'(
I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!
I love being in Melbourne but i hate all this choice in food and hate that i am eating so much!!
My sisters house is full of food and tonight i was home alone and i got really excited cos i hadnt eaten all this kind of food in so long and i heard that voice tell me, "go on - just try some - you're on holiday" and so i did and i ate some of everything and then all i heard was
" NOW YOU WILL BE FAT AND WILL LISTEN TO ME BEFORE EATING"
My mind is racing with thoughts and feelings but the big one is guilt!
I thought that i would be able to come over here and just be normal, that coming over here would be a good thing and would help me and for the first 2 days i did well, wednesday i had lunch and dinner and a hot x bun, i even had some chocolate, thursday i had sushi for lunch and dinner and more chocolate then friday i had some more food - bread and dips and went out drinking and now I FEEL FAT AND DISGUSTING!
I had a panic attack last night - Tuesday night - cos it all just got too much.
I've feel like i have lost all control, i am scared of losing more control. I'm teriffied at how much weight i have gained, at how less exercise i am doing, at the food i am eating and putting into my body and NOT purging!
i just want to go back to wednesday and start again!
I have lost my normal daily routine and its scarying the hell out of me !!
I cant explain why its scaring me so much......
Last night when i was having my panic attack my sister came in and sat on the bed for a whlie then said "should i leave or stay" and whilst still having the panic attack and crying i managed to get out - "STAY" :'(
she just said I need to start dealing with everything and make a choice between life and living my life to the full and this eating disorder.
i wish it was that simple - i wish i didnt think like this, feel like this EVERYTIME i eat.
I want to eat normally and coming here i thought i could and now i realise i cant.
I want my egg whites, apples and vegies back :( i want to be feeling empty. Not like im starving but not FULL OF ugly food
PLEASE MAKE ME STOP :'(
I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!
I love being in Melbourne but i hate all this choice in food and hate that i am eating so much!!
My sisters house is full of food and tonight i was home alone and i got really excited cos i hadnt eaten all this kind of food in so long and i heard that voice tell me, "go on - just try some - you're on holiday" and so i did and i ate some of everything and then all i heard was
" NOW YOU WILL BE FAT AND WILL LISTEN TO ME BEFORE EATING"
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