Panicked

It's a strange feeling, that you are panicked by something yet you have no idea what it is that has shaken you.
Was it the mass of people in the elevator, the business of street outside, the fact that you have gained a lot of weight and people are now commenting on different things or is it something that you aren't even aware of.
You try and tell yourself to stop and to calm down but as your heart races and you start sweating you have to leave the office in fear of someone noticing. Sitting on the cold bathroom floor hyperventilating isn't much better though, it gets harder to calm yourself with every new breathe. The tingling of the hands starts and that's when you know you have gone too far.
You want it to stop but you keep telling yourself to figure out why you are panicking and then it will stop when in actual fact it makes you worse cos you know deep down there is no reason for this panic attack, you are safe, you are ok, you are at work and you need to distract yourself with work, and get back in to what ever it was you were doing before you started to feel ill.
By now 10 minutes has passed and you're lying on the cold bathroom floor, quietly talking to yourself reminding yourself that this will pass and that you are OK. A tea is needed, some water and possibly something to eat, no maybe not something to eat as food is not necessarily a good thing right now.
So with shaky legs and tingling clamy hands you slowly make your way back to reality and realize that the last 15 minutes (cos yes it takes about 5 minutes to stand) is now a blur and you have managed to get yourself and YOU only through a panic attack.
Now back to work

Sushi VS the devil inside

Today I bought 5 pieces of sushi for lunch and barbara came down to get her lunch too.
She then said to me (as i was waiting in line to pay)
"Wow you must be hungry today"

I really don't know how I am ever supposed to be OK with any of this. One little comment - and my thinking changes.
I only ended up eating 2 pieces of it (although had the other 3 later in the day) I feel so incredibly fat right now. I am eating everything and anything and i hate myself more than EVER right now.
I feel as though I have lost all control over everything.

I want to let this thought go (as i have been trying to learn how to in therapy) but i really can't
There have been several comments this week around food and I really just want to be thin :'(

And yes I will tell Melodie (psych) this tomorrow.

I'm struggling and I don't know how not to struggle

Grey Space

It was easier before I knew what I was doing was so wrong, it’s hard knowing what I know and struggling to stay on the path of the right choice. I wish it was as simple as choosing to recover and recovering but nothing is ever as that simple. One thing I am slowly learning is that there is a grey space, a small matter in between the black and the white that makes me wonder why I can’t see this grey matter. Why do I always see things black or white, right or wrong, fat or well fatter, good or bad?

I’m caught in the in between, the need to get better to live a happy healthy life and the fear of losing all that I have and not knowing what might happen next. I am consumed by the need to be thin and the fear of being fat that it’s hard to see anything else. I am contradicted in myself – I know what I am doing is so wrong and I still can’t change it. 

 

There is no winner

There are words and numbers constantly buzzing around in your head and there is no escape from the quiet whisper of her. She is always there, she likes to trick you. You think you can escape and push her away but she doesn't really leave, she just goes silent, waiting patiently for you to show vulnerability and then she comes back with a vengeance. She wants you to think it's ok to leave her for a while, ana will leave and mia will be there to help. Mia is a lot nicer than ana - she lets you eat and let's you think it's ok to eat, so long as you dispose of it straight after - it's OK.
Ana doesn't like this at all, and as you push one away you hold on to the other but your tired of holding on - it's hard to hold on. You know what you are doing is so wrong and that's what makes it all the more harder to stop. You have no one to blame but yourself. There are skills to be learnt and things to distract yet you always come back to the thing you can trust. She won't let you down. She won't let you be.

You want to be free but you don't really know what freedom is - freedom is the little bird that sits on the window sill and then when someone walks in the room it flies away. The little bird that watches and waits for something yet it doesn't really know what it's waiting for then all of a sudden someone comes and disturbs the silence and it's frightened so it flies.
It's a humming inside of you, something desperate for something else. Thinness has a feeling all of its own and when you have been eating and purging for 2 weeks the hum gets louder until you give in, anything to quieten the humming thinness and then the voice starts. There is no winner. Not even the little bird who finally gets peace flying all over the country on it's lonesome, there is no winner.
 

.

How will you know I am hurting,
If you cannot see my pain?
To wear it on my body
Tells what words cannot explain.

To make myself feel better too

My cousin came home from her sunday session, drunk and made herself sick. She said that she is so drunk and feels so much better now that she has been sick.
I am sitting here thinking I need to make myself sick to make myself feel better.
I need to feel better - I need to feel something, anything and I'm not sure how. I keep thinking starving makes me feel better but it doesn't fill the whole i have inside of me, it only makes me emptier. I then get so hungry that i eat anything and then think it's ok cos i have lost weight and felt better cos i had lost weight that i can eat and it will be ok but then I can't stop eating and then i feel fat and guilty for eating and then start purging, which helps with the guilt, cos i empty my stomach and empty my head of the food thoughts but only feel worse cos I end up with a head ache and a pain in my chest yet I am still fat. So then I cut and cutting always makes me feel better except it hurts and its not the right sort of pain. I don't know what pain I actually want. Cutting used to fulfill that hole but now it just hurts and it doesn't help.
So next I will starve cos I have gained enough weight and now can't stand the sight of my fat body and the cuts i have created all over myself are hurting but stinging hurting so I need to hurt myself on the inside to stop the pain on the outside!

It's been a tough week

It's all really hard.
First Gus breaks things off with me (I thought I hadn't let it affect me but I can't help but wonder why I'm not good enough for him)
Last saturday when my mum used me as an example of what not to turn out like, how not to be.
I started to question myself and really look at myself. Then during the week my flat mate/cousin/best friend - J was getting super close to my other good friend T. They were working together during the day and then talking about work and I was kinda being left out. Then on Wednesday I kinda had a fight with J about it all. She told me i was being silly  (which i probably was) but when  I am already feeling crap then the paranoia kicks in and I start thinking everyone is against me.
Work was hard, I am feeling inadequate and like I'm not doing my job properly.
I cut really bad on wednesday night :/
Thursday night I have squash, superchamps, what i have been training for for the last 3 months and my coach tells me he won't be playing me cos i am just a reserve (which i can understand)
I didn't go to work on Friday - took a mental health day! Just really wasn't motivated to do anything.
I got really drunk thurs and fri night - after my squash team making me feel sh*t i thought why not. Alcohol helps.
I've purged almost every night - not eaten much but drunk LOTS
Saturday and we have made it into the finals on Sunday - 1 team member (our number 1) can't play another team member (MY MUM) is injured so didnt play saturday and instead of them playing the reserve (me) they have decided mum is going to play and be the sacrifical player. Making me feel really crap!
Then mum says to me "its OK i still think you're a good player" <-- patronizing me making me feel even lower.
I know I should look at my folder of information with all the skills and distractions about how to help myself but I haven't eaten all day and I don't feel good enough for anything right now.
I have 3 options of things to do tonight and all I feel like doing is curling up in a ball and being alone!

cutting...

There were times when she thought she didn't need to do it anymore, times when she thought she was done with it. Cutting made her feel like she was... special, like she had something. She liked having the ability to inflict pain whenever she wanted, and she liked that she could stop it. Not that she really wanted to. When she thought she was done, it made her empty, unsure if this was really living. She would ask herself if this was happiness, and told herself that if it was, she hated it. Cutting made her feel different then everyone else, but she also knew that other people did it for the same reasons, that made her feel that she was a part of something. Then there were times when the tears from her eyes burned a path down her cheek, and her throat was so tight she couldn't scream no matter how much she tried. Those times she would find relief only by cutting up her skin and bleeding out all the painful screams. The pain of living altogether flowed from one simple cut. She didn't care where she cut, arms, legs, stomach, or wrists. As long as she keeps cutting she can live to tomorrow.

Weird

Christie emailed me today and asked if there was something weird going on that she was being kept in the dark about....
I feel like telling her - everything that is going on with me is weird and yes she is being kept in the dark.
She knew about Gus breaking things off with me and yet didnt think to txt me to ask if I was ok?
And then emails me to ask if there is something weird going on?! Seriously!?

So annoyed.
Jordan asked for her number, wonder what she will say!!!!!

 

At a certain point you cross that line...

And you can't help what you're doing...

And the eating disorder owns you....

And all bearings on reality and maturity are lost.....