It's all really hard.
First Gus breaks things off with me (I thought I hadn't let it affect me but I can't help but wonder why I'm not good enough for him)
Last saturday when my mum used me as an example of what not to turn out like, how not to be.
I started to question myself and really look at myself. Then during the week my flat mate/cousin/best friend - J was getting super close to my other good friend T. They were working together during the day and then talking about work and I was kinda being left out. Then on Wednesday I kinda had a fight with J about it all. She told me i was being silly (which i probably was) but when I am already feeling crap then the paranoia kicks in and I start thinking everyone is against me.
Work was hard, I am feeling inadequate and like I'm not doing my job properly.
I cut really bad on wednesday night :/
Thursday night I have squash, superchamps, what i have been training for for the last 3 months and my coach tells me he won't be playing me cos i am just a reserve (which i can understand)
I didn't go to work on Friday - took a mental health day! Just really wasn't motivated to do anything.
I got really drunk thurs and fri night - after my squash team making me feel sh*t i thought why not. Alcohol helps.
I've purged almost every night - not eaten much but drunk LOTS
Saturday and we have made it into the finals on Sunday - 1 team member (our number 1) can't play another team member (MY MUM) is injured so didnt play saturday and instead of them playing the reserve (me) they have decided mum is going to play and be the sacrifical player. Making me feel really crap!
Then mum says to me "its OK i still think you're a good player" <-- patronizing me making me feel even lower.
I know I should look at my folder of information with all the skills and distractions about how to help myself but I haven't eaten all day and I don't feel good enough for anything right now.
I have 3 options of things to do tonight and all I feel like doing is curling up in a ball and being alone!
First Gus breaks things off with me (I thought I hadn't let it affect me but I can't help but wonder why I'm not good enough for him)
Last saturday when my mum used me as an example of what not to turn out like, how not to be.
I started to question myself and really look at myself. Then during the week my flat mate/cousin/best friend - J was getting super close to my other good friend T. They were working together during the day and then talking about work and I was kinda being left out. Then on Wednesday I kinda had a fight with J about it all. She told me i was being silly (which i probably was) but when I am already feeling crap then the paranoia kicks in and I start thinking everyone is against me.
Work was hard, I am feeling inadequate and like I'm not doing my job properly.
I cut really bad on wednesday night :/
Thursday night I have squash, superchamps, what i have been training for for the last 3 months and my coach tells me he won't be playing me cos i am just a reserve (which i can understand)
I didn't go to work on Friday - took a mental health day! Just really wasn't motivated to do anything.
I got really drunk thurs and fri night - after my squash team making me feel sh*t i thought why not. Alcohol helps.
I've purged almost every night - not eaten much but drunk LOTS
Saturday and we have made it into the finals on Sunday - 1 team member (our number 1) can't play another team member (MY MUM) is injured so didnt play saturday and instead of them playing the reserve (me) they have decided mum is going to play and be the sacrifical player. Making me feel really crap!
Then mum says to me "its OK i still think you're a good player" <-- patronizing me making me feel even lower.
I know I should look at my folder of information with all the skills and distractions about how to help myself but I haven't eaten all day and I don't feel good enough for anything right now.
I have 3 options of things to do tonight and all I feel like doing is curling up in a ball and being alone!
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