To make myself feel better too

My cousin came home from her sunday session, drunk and made herself sick. She said that she is so drunk and feels so much better now that she has been sick.
I am sitting here thinking I need to make myself sick to make myself feel better.
I need to feel better - I need to feel something, anything and I'm not sure how. I keep thinking starving makes me feel better but it doesn't fill the whole i have inside of me, it only makes me emptier. I then get so hungry that i eat anything and then think it's ok cos i have lost weight and felt better cos i had lost weight that i can eat and it will be ok but then I can't stop eating and then i feel fat and guilty for eating and then start purging, which helps with the guilt, cos i empty my stomach and empty my head of the food thoughts but only feel worse cos I end up with a head ache and a pain in my chest yet I am still fat. So then I cut and cutting always makes me feel better except it hurts and its not the right sort of pain. I don't know what pain I actually want. Cutting used to fulfill that hole but now it just hurts and it doesn't help.
So next I will starve cos I have gained enough weight and now can't stand the sight of my fat body and the cuts i have created all over myself are hurting but stinging hurting so I need to hurt myself on the inside to stop the pain on the outside!