selfish and sorry

I threw the box and the plaque same place ofmy Lil swim. That was why I walked so fucking far. And yep nick and his constant drunk-ass asking me to tell him my story, which I would either avoid the unshared darkness or jus leave  it out entirely and redirect the conversation back on him.

But it clearly had an impact on my memories and the following choices I made.

I am so scared that what I am remembering is not even the truth and it's what's hurting and killing me.

I keep telling myself its not true and justify that statement .... When my best friend who was also my first flat mate, and my own mother didn't believe it was rape back n 2006 then why would molestation age 12 be any different

why live

Why does my mum dislike me so much? Tonight was such hard work, and yet still not enough to win her love. I cannot keep living like this cos this is not a life. 

I loved seeing Sophia, my God daughter so grown up and I'm sorry that I have not been apart of that, but u and I both know that I am nothing but trouble and darkness and  as much as I have loved being apart of the happy birthday celebrations tonight, it will be better for all when i am nothing but a memory of the past 

It was nice to see mums friends all come together to celebrate her birthday. 

Friends Really are the family we choose. 

 I love u and ur beautiful girls so much and after semo being so Nice to me and Sophia chatting me out of what seemed to be genuine interest I finally remembered what it felt like to be apart of something real and loved. 

I am so broken, so alone and so sad and over everything that this life is about. There is no more happiness and good things coming my way. I hace peaked and had the best life when iuved in the uk, i have loved and i have lost and i have defintely learned 

It brings me some comfort to know that there's such a thing as a happy family. And that a it isn't jus a fake term people pretend to have to mask their true dysfunctions 

 

cuddles with Ace

after him jumping in an out my window on many occasions and after slumber parties and purring loudly together finally he took the courage to come and have a snuggle with me.

Helping someone is helping myself

Talking to T* tonight really made me realise how bad my drug addiction is, i was trying to make her see how bad Kane is for her and also try to help her with her smack addiction which is only recent.

All the excuses and justifications she said about the smack is exactly what i say about the meth.

The “it’s not that bad” line...  When someone would question me on my gear useage i would say firstly – well i’m not doing it every day, then i was and i looked back on it and justified it some how to myself and then said well it’s not that bad as i still have my job, thats the important thing and then lost that and then it was my friends and family, lost that. Then it was my apartment – lost that. And then T* said something which is my biggest one- “I enjoy who I am when I’m on it”

How bad do things have to get before I want to get off it?!

T* said something tho – I’m fun without it though. And I realised, I need to take the time and reflect back more as the reflecting back on previous years and previous times (before meth) is what will make the drive to get off it more desirable.

T* wants to go back to using smack recreationally. Is there such a thing? I with crystal meth.

Can we use these illegal class A drugs recreationally?

I hate this most of the time. It's fun when i get wasted and have fun but the majority of the time I am stressed, tired and trying to balance everything. 

I didn’t even make any goals for 2013. I also realised that when i make goals or plans if they dont get completed i dont look back and ask myself why and also have plan b in place... cos it’s all very well planning to stop smoking meth but what happens next if i do not achieve that goal. I can shrug it off and then say “I’ll try again” or what? I guess do something that I know works.

So if cutting back and not smoking it every day doesn’t work – then what?

I blasted for the first time on Friday - I have blasted Ritalin before but not meth. It was GREAT! I loved it and now I can see how the downhill happens. If i don't stop now I am going to end up in T*'s position. I justified it as just that once. But others have said once you start injecting gear you won't want to stop - people don't just say that, its the truth. The truth comes out in the very first statement and then the justifications for why and then it's all ok.

Ok so I need to stop. I may not want too cos I don't want to go back to that anorexic self harming sad borderline personality person but I need too as I don't want to end up a junkie shooting up and as I already don't have a job the longer i am out of work the harder it will be. 

I need to stop smoking crack so i don't lose the rest of my life. 

I go away – leave Auckland. I either go to Pauanui with a mate or to Melbourne. Especially as Christie has paid for me.

Then when I am not smoking meth every day I can get a job and have money and go away with T* in August to Queenstown.

The  next thing i have learned after tonight is that i will start making day plans and week plans as well as 3  month plans. To keep me focused and not frittering out.

Balance is what i need

Visualise what i can have without the drugs.

What a random, intense night. I wanna get some sleep now. Might have a bowl first i think

TweekWords

full bottles, balloons, and puff the glass bowl
Another night now day to empty the soul
Deceptions, reflections and misconceptions
Mistrust, misuse, and abuse.
another night high flying, can't sleep now the shadows are crying

Addiction seeping in through her pores entangling and intertwining with reality
as the real her escapes further from life that bores
deeper into the dark broken mind of the an unknown lonely life

A new day dawning, a girl left yawning, a mind so still and quiet.
Knowing why and how her life is changing and still can't or won't stop the ride.
A journey not for the faint hearted, and not for one with true fear to hide.
Freedom being sought after, no purpose she is finding.
How does one clean up and move on when death is so inviting

Lessons learning

Lessons learning...
Rich was a lesson I had to learn.
I'm not going to be negative or downer about the 5 month relationship.
Rich taught me the biggest hurdle I had in my early 20's - I could be loved. Nearer the end he doubted my love for him but I didn't because as he loved me more and more it was teaching me I could be loved and love in return.
Like my favourite movie always said
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return"
I'm not going to sit here and dwell on all the negative qualities he had/has because then my focus isn't positive and isnt about learning and growing and bettering myself as a person.
He made me laugh, uncontrollably and giggle like a school girl with his words, his rock hunting moments, his ideas (team mef Olympics) his cleaning. He made me think about deep thoughts with his lyrics which were always deep and dark (but did turn positive for a while)
He cared and made me a coffee or berrocca at 6am.
He learned to listen -not just her my words but listen and most of all he understood my pain and suffering. He understood my insecurities and told me how beautiful I looked even with messy hair and no make up.
He partied with me (at the start) and danced and watched me dance.
He taught me a lot about the "game" and safety tricks of the trade which I took on board and changed by ways.
He was a emotionally manipulative man but I don't think he realised (still doesn't no doubt) but that is his issue and lesson to come through not mine.
Rich was a lesson in my life and a valuable one for sure. So many little things all rolled into one epic adventure but nightmare all the same.
We were so good for each other but so bad. I've not laughed so much or cried so much with one person (sometimes in one day)
I want nothing more than for us to be good friends until the end. I'm going to get clean and I hope he'll do the same not for me but for himself.
He is a sexy, dark, dangerous, mysterious man, rugged yet sensitive, caring yet selfish. Broken and lonely just like me.
My first love in my life - Richard Gilbert.

Purpose and Pride .... Or something

Discovering purpose. Whilst dropping my god daughter at school today I watched as she eagerly showed me around her classroom. She beamed with pride of the things she had done so far. Could I do the same of myself recently? No.
Do I want to be proud of what I achieve and what I do ... Yes. But to whom do I want to show that pride too?
A society which creates pressure to perform and live to a certain standard ... Have a good job, earn money, gt married, have children, but house with white pikket fence and live happily ever after ?! Yeah right.
I think in me thinking about what kind of person I am and who and what I want to be when I grow up I have to look to my unborn child ad I imagine as I drop them at school how they look up to me ... Am I a druggie mother who can barely support her child, am I a busy working mum who doesn't have time to even drop her child at school or am I a balanced parent. Yes I party and parties harder before children but now I party, I take the children w me to day festivals where music is the love. I care and work to make ends meet so my children have what they need and I am happy w that. That is what my purpose will be.
But what for now? I think I need to find what makes me happy and my perfect partner will follow

Plan to be clean

Plan:
Every day get up and tidy kitchen, do washing and play music.
Get in touch with a friend who I haven't spoken to for ages and make a mends where I can
Everytime I have craving - clean, tidy, order something in the house then go for a walk and do mindfulness to calm mind
Calming things to do:
* lie under a tree
* swing on swings
* walk in gardens
* plant plants etc
* nap outside
* write lessons learned, laughs shared,

Things to keep me focused:
*Learn to skateboard
*Gardening
*Reading and learning about aura's and what not
*Writing letters

Goodbye 2012 HELLLLLO 2013... a brief update

As I sit on the floor in the living room of my 14th floor apartment in Central Auckland, I note the time is 6.35am and Valentines Day has just finished (well at midnight) I am trawling the internet and passing time and I decide to look up my blog.
This blog i started in 2008, thats almost 6 years ago!
Wow has so much happened and changed in that time.
I went from a scared, lonely girl living in the UK, traveling, drinking and partying to a woman and I feel like I may have blinked and missed some important lessons.

2008-2010 was the best time of my life, at the time i didn't realise it but i was at my peak for my confidence. I traveled SOLO and had fun!
Nov 2010 and I started my life back on homeland in NZ. I had an idea in my head that i was going to focus on my "career" and work towards building a life around a great job. I thought that a great job, secure job meant happiness. How wrong was I?!

2011 I was diagnosed with my Borderline Personality Disorder and this started some of the most important lessons I will carry with me and hopefully pass on to others in need. I started DBT (Dialectical Behavioral therapy) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy
I was self harming and struggling to maintain a healthy, stable weight through my struggles with my eating disorder. I hated myself and had so much emotional frustration I could have bought down a jet plane.

2012 was the year that everything changed. After being moved from the psychologist I liked, the team  I liked, the therapy was going no where, the eating disorder was getting thinner,  the self harming wasn't changing and to top it all off I developed an addiction - and not just any addiction to the one drug that is life ruining (as I am slowly learning) *Meth*
I think the last blog I wrote here was the day after my birthday and for time and attention's sake I will sum up the final months of 2012.
September - I started using every day.
October - I was basically kicked out of my flat, I wrote my car off and moved into an apartment in town with an 18 year old druggie as well (who I kicked out in December) I was partying hard, selling and using hard. I was making money and having fun. Losing friends but making new people who replaced friends. Users, low lifes and PEOPLE in the game. I stopped therapy altogether and was discharged from their service.
November - I met a guy Rich (who i am still with now) I left my job and normality. (That in itself is probably a note) but basically my drug use was more and more apparent and my manager kindly informed me that HR were going to fire me and she gave me the opportunity to resign and save my dignity.
December was spent with the new boyfriend - we had some laughs, loves and violent fights but we are pulling through. we spent alot of time smoking drugs and meeting people and making money and after my family (mum mainly) disowned me before christmas he invited me down to his family christmas in Rotorua.
I also spent New Years with him and it was here we had our first PSYCHOTIC fight (haha, thinking back it makes me laugh - not sure why)
We did alot of drugs and learnt alot about ourselves and each other.

I think that will do for now.....
I could  spend hours writing but it's nearly 7am and we haven't slept yet and now he's bored so i better put on my entertaining hat until he heads off to school at 9am.

Peace xo

gaaaaaaa BANG

2013
Has started off with a bang.... The summer is flying by as I sit on my deck chair- stolen at New Years; looking our across Auckland my mind full and head pounding. The black coffee is helping- kinda. 
Yesterday my boyfriend of 4 months broke up with me but as we are living together I woke up next to him this morning.
I'm feeling hurt and used as the reasons for the break up still bewilder me. 
And the fact that I have been awake since September and high since July make living now in this comedown state extremely difficult. 
Reminiscing about what I had for myself in December - a whole stack load of cash, drugs of all kinda and lots of them and now I have nothing. 
The drugs are gone, I have no money (I have weekly money that comes in every week) no friends and now no boyfriend. How did this happen?!
Yes I have had fun - at the start when all was happy. But New Years holiday changed all of that. Our first real fight and the downfall of everything happy. 
I've been yelled at, names such as slut, crack whore, useless and many more been yelled, my life threatened, my safety feared, my house has been destroyed and things broken- and all by the same person, the person who says he loves me. 
I've never cried but laughed so much, never been emotionally and mentally abused and drained by one person yet made to feel so loved. 
I've never hated myself so much as what I do now and the one thing that I started using to help is no longer here cos my "boyfriend" insisted on finishing it off.
My family have all disowned me, I have no non drug friends in my life, no job, no money..... so I'm not sure what happens next. 
Happy new year - 2013 is fucked already.