Sick :(

So ive been sick the last few days full of the flu.

But im still eating.
Its strange, i actually acknowledge when im hungry and eat. Ive had toast every morning this week and lunch and snacks (even a choc biscuit) and dinner.
Just before i eat i suddenly have second thoughts but then eat anyway. And i still feel guilty after eating but i am trying to ignore it.

I havent felt empty hungry all week.

Thing is, im scared that this isnt gonna last. Im scared im gonna wake up one morning and be back in that horrible place being controlled and hating myself as much as i used to.
I dont wanna go back there, i actually feel happy - i feel good about things and im actually enjoying eating.

What am i gonna do if she comes back - cos every time this has happened she (anorexia) has come back stronger than ever.
I am trying so hard to keep her away. I will ruin everything if i let her take control again. Im just not sure if i know how to fight her off. I dont know if im strong enough.

I know she is not 100% gone, i still cry at night after staring at myself for ages in the mirror. I think i just have to realise i am never going to be thin enough or pretty enough, i may as well just get used to it and start living my life!

Nobody really likes people with problems, everyone has enough problems of their own to have to worry about someone else. So im gonna either
1. continue eating and if she comes back i am just gonna hide it from kelly so she doesnt get worried. or
2. pretend like everything is ok then when i move to london next year i wont have anyone around watching over me and i will be able to eat or not eat or do whatever i want!

Althought i must admit it is sort of nice to be worried about. Its nice to know that someone cares.
Sometimes i just wish it was my mum that would worry and care about me.