its all in my head

Im a little bit scared of myself lately - especially when i drink, cos when i drink, its like i have no control over my mind, my thoughts and everything.
I get upset and angry at everything/everyone especially myself, i then feel guilty for getting upset for no reason and get angry at myself and then think about suicide - even though im waaaay to scared to actualy do it, i just want to hurt myself.
Im scared to go away for new years cos i dont want to get drunk then things to turn bad in my head and me get upset again and act like a dick!!

example 1. The night of my flat warming, when no one turned up and then i was upset and then dragged out to a house party then wanted to go home but couldnt and started screaming and crying and acting like a loser, but as much as i wanted to stop myself I couldnt i had no control over my mind and my body! i ended up making a massive scene at the party and sitting out in the driveway by myself till 3am when our ride turned up.

example 2. Last thursday night, we went to the pub and jordan was supposed to sober drive - and got drunk - and then i got angry at her for not sobering driving and then decided it was my fault any way and ended up driving home. Its not quite as drastic as the first example but i had the same mind set, i got shitty at someone else, and then turned it on myself and then felt bad cos i had ruined the night.

Example 3 - tonight, my cousin has her boyfriend up from his place (he lives about an hour away) and they were in the kitchen giggling and talking quietly and i suddenly thought they dont want me here, im in the way and came into my room and got grumpy and sulky cos i felt like i wasnt included and then had a shower and went to say goodnight and suddenly reaslied it wasnt even about me - they werent talking bout me it was just in my head!!

I am scared of myself and what i will do next, cos it kind of feels as though its all building up to one massive break down, you know when you can feel soemthing bad coming but you dont know when its gonna hit. ths iss what it feels like inside myself!!