This is a summary of my "emergency" therapy session today with Melodie. Apparantely we will be talking more on Friday about this. I find it really hard to remember how I was feeling at certain times. I can barely remember how I feel in the NOW so to try and ask me how i was feeling almost a week ago! GOOD LUCK TO YOU!
Tell me about Friday?? Well after work I went down to the viaduct and had some wines with my work colleague Katrina, everything was going well and then I had a panic attack cos there was so many people around. We went to a few other bars, it was kind of weird hanging out with her, like I knew she didn't really want to be there - with me I mean. I got drunk to start with but then sobered up relatively after the panic attack and after she started to get really drunk.
How much would you say you had to drink? Over the course of the night - say a bottle of wine - this is from 2pm till about 8pm. I wouldn't say I was drunk, I mean i knew I had had some alcohol but I was VERY aware of what was going on around me. I wasn't going to let myself get that drunk cos there were so many people around, I couldn't let myself get that drunk.
So how were you feeling while you were out? Aside from the panic attack, I guess I felt pretty lonely, I couldn't get a hold of my friends and I started to think that none of them wanted to hang out with me. I felt like a small rabbit lost inside a maze of people.
So what happened after being at the bar? Well at one point I had just had enough, so mum came and picked me up and drove me home
Is that when the suicidal thoughts happened? No, throughout the night I had tried to enjoy myself and just be happy and normal, on the drive home I hadn't considered killing myself at all.
So what changed? I'm not really sure. I got home and I got changed and I sat on my bed and I started to think about work - and how I wasn't meeting my KPI's, not bringing in the right candidates and enough candidates. I started thinking about the night, how no one wanted to hang out with me, no one wanted to see me. I started thinking about how I always ended up alone no matter what was happening and then I seen the panadol just sitting there. I didn't really think. I just made a quick decision and decided everything would be better if I wasn't here. Everything seemed to make sense with me erased from the picture. I took out 70 panadol from the packet and within about 2 minutes had swallowed them all.
And how did you feel straight after you had taken them? Relief. I thought maybe this is it. maybe I am meant to die now. Everything happens for a reason right, maybe this is one of those sort of moments.
And then I started to feel sick and nauseous and then my friend from Australia happened to skype me. And i told her what i had done and she made me promise to go and throw the pills up and go have a shower and to take care. I hung up and went and vomited everywhere, and then i think i passed out - it can't have been for long cos i woke up shaky and my heart racing and my head pounding outside of my skull and i paniked, i got scared and realised how alone and scared i was so i txt my cousin. I don't know how long it was until she came over but she came and found me barely breathing on the bathroom floor and called the ambulance.
What to do you remember after that? I remember being in the ambulance, kind of. It feels like a bad dream. I remember asking someone (I'm not sure who it was) if they could let me die and then told them i was sorry for wasting their time. I don't remember being in ED. I remember feeling embarrassed. I remember feeling alone and scared and ashamed. Here I am this almost 24 year old girl who tried to kill herself by overdosing - how pathetic must I be. I can't even do one thing properly.
Tell me about Friday?? Well after work I went down to the viaduct and had some wines with my work colleague Katrina, everything was going well and then I had a panic attack cos there was so many people around. We went to a few other bars, it was kind of weird hanging out with her, like I knew she didn't really want to be there - with me I mean. I got drunk to start with but then sobered up relatively after the panic attack and after she started to get really drunk.
How much would you say you had to drink? Over the course of the night - say a bottle of wine - this is from 2pm till about 8pm. I wouldn't say I was drunk, I mean i knew I had had some alcohol but I was VERY aware of what was going on around me. I wasn't going to let myself get that drunk cos there were so many people around, I couldn't let myself get that drunk.
So how were you feeling while you were out? Aside from the panic attack, I guess I felt pretty lonely, I couldn't get a hold of my friends and I started to think that none of them wanted to hang out with me. I felt like a small rabbit lost inside a maze of people.
So what happened after being at the bar? Well at one point I had just had enough, so mum came and picked me up and drove me home
Is that when the suicidal thoughts happened? No, throughout the night I had tried to enjoy myself and just be happy and normal, on the drive home I hadn't considered killing myself at all.
So what changed? I'm not really sure. I got home and I got changed and I sat on my bed and I started to think about work - and how I wasn't meeting my KPI's, not bringing in the right candidates and enough candidates. I started thinking about the night, how no one wanted to hang out with me, no one wanted to see me. I started thinking about how I always ended up alone no matter what was happening and then I seen the panadol just sitting there. I didn't really think. I just made a quick decision and decided everything would be better if I wasn't here. Everything seemed to make sense with me erased from the picture. I took out 70 panadol from the packet and within about 2 minutes had swallowed them all.
And how did you feel straight after you had taken them? Relief. I thought maybe this is it. maybe I am meant to die now. Everything happens for a reason right, maybe this is one of those sort of moments.
And then I started to feel sick and nauseous and then my friend from Australia happened to skype me. And i told her what i had done and she made me promise to go and throw the pills up and go have a shower and to take care. I hung up and went and vomited everywhere, and then i think i passed out - it can't have been for long cos i woke up shaky and my heart racing and my head pounding outside of my skull and i paniked, i got scared and realised how alone and scared i was so i txt my cousin. I don't know how long it was until she came over but she came and found me barely breathing on the bathroom floor and called the ambulance.
What to do you remember after that? I remember being in the ambulance, kind of. It feels like a bad dream. I remember asking someone (I'm not sure who it was) if they could let me die and then told them i was sorry for wasting their time. I don't remember being in ED. I remember feeling embarrassed. I remember feeling alone and scared and ashamed. Here I am this almost 24 year old girl who tried to kill herself by overdosing - how pathetic must I be. I can't even do one thing properly.
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