So my mum called here today and talked to my sister about me for about 30minutes.
She said she just wants me to get better and will do anything she can to help. She even offered to pay for private counselling if want it.
I have been such a grump the last couple weeks feeling down and useless.
Thing is i am back under 50kgs... weighing in at 48kgs. I know not much under 50 but still under!! And i dont wanna ruin that by eating heaps and putting the weight back on.
Right now im undecided about what to do.
My sister also said she doesnt want me to move to london. She wants me to stay here so i can get better. But i think i need to go to London and do this for myself.
Sunday, 5 April 2009
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Unwanted/Unloved
Latley i been feeling really unloved and unwanted around here.
Josh just screams when i come into the room and doesnt want me to pick him up or anything. Doesnt want me around..
Kelly doesnt talk to me much and is acting all funny so she doesnt want me around
And as much as Vaughan says im wanted and welcome to stay I know he will be glad to see me gone.
I think the sooner i move to London the better. They can get on with being a family and enjoy themselves without me bringing them down.
I sent Kel that really long email and got no reply - she said to me on sunday when she was in my room that she read the mail and that was about it.
Josh just screams when i come into the room and doesnt want me to pick him up or anything. Doesnt want me around..
Kelly doesnt talk to me much and is acting all funny so she doesnt want me around
And as much as Vaughan says im wanted and welcome to stay I know he will be glad to see me gone.
I think the sooner i move to London the better. They can get on with being a family and enjoy themselves without me bringing them down.
I sent Kel that really long email and got no reply - she said to me on sunday when she was in my room that she read the mail and that was about it.
Monday, 30 March 2009
Facebook Conversation
Kelly
28 March at 10:07
Of course they would notice and all would be devasted!! Why didnt you call me?This is reason I dont want u to move to London, cause I'm scared you will not eat properly and get really sick or even worse do something stupid. You are a beautiful person who has so much to live for and look forward to! There was no reason for you to stay away last night, all we did was watch TV and were in bed at 10.00pm cause we were both tired.See u sometime today :-)
Amy
28 March at 20:13
Last night while cathy and i were walking home we were talking about our families back home and i felt a bit down cos i dont hear from anyone and whenever i try and call when im upset no ones around.I tried to call mum on my way to work on friday it would have been 9.30pm in NZ and she didnt answer. So i txt her saying would be good to chat to her and still havent heard from her. I wasnt going to do anything stupid (as you put it) i was jus feeling crap. (as i usually do when i drink)Im scared to move to london too - but i think it might be good for me. A chance to start over. I know that my problems wont magically disappear - and i want to deal with what happened. but i cant sit around and wait for the counsellor to call me. I will still do the counselling if and when they want me. I will come down for it from london. I cant promise that when i move to london that i will eat "properly"But i will try. I do eat. I jus eat when i am hungry and i know i HAVE to eat to live. And most of the time i want to live. I wont get sick cos i know my limits and i know that i need to eat.I jus prefer to eat away from others cos i hate being watched and feeling like im being pressured to eat. the reason i purge is cos its the only way i feel like i am in control again. I hate doing it but its what i have to do to feel good. I am sorry that i am not strong enough to fight this. I feel so useless for failing over and over again. But i jus dont see myself without this. I would love to be "normal" and i dont enjoy this at all. I dont enjoy or want to be like this. But its who i am. I know what i am doing is wrong and hurting myself (and you guys) but i just cant stop. I look at myself in the mirror and see this horrible fat person staring back at me and all i want is to be thin and liked. I can see exactly where i put on weight and i sometimes think i can feel myself getting fat. I know it sounds crazy and i cant imagine what you are thinking. But im trying to explain it.When i first got here, it was really nice to have someone worry about me and ask me everything and want to know stuff. It made me feel like i could actually fight this, but after a while i realised all i have done is made it harder for you cos now you know so much. I should never have opened up becuase now i feel so guilty cos i havent hide it. Sometimes i wish i could jus be left alone to starve. but at the same time i dont want that. I dont know. Its so hard to explain. I dont know how long its taken me to write this bloody thing. but it seemed easier than trying to think on the spot and say it face to face. I would prob jus end up crying. im sorry that i am doing this to you guys. Its not fair on you. And if i could take it all back and be normal i would. I love you guys so much and i cry thinking about what a pain in the ass i am being. Thanks for not giving up on me. you are both the best family anyone could ask for!! I love living here and will miss you soOOo much!! Sorry its so long!xx
WHY?
whenever someone changes their plans with me i get upset and feel like they are doing it to hurt me! When i knwo they arent. But i just cant help feeling crap.
Last night mum and I were supposed to skype call but she couldnt get her camera working so we were gonna do it this morning at 9am. At 9.15 i txt her asking when we were gonna call and she said she would be home in 20 mins and we could do it then.
And that made me feel shit. I was angry cos she had mucked me around but at the same time i felt like she did it on purpose to make me feel bad.
Then my sister says "calm down" and laughs.
So then i think she is laughing at me cos i have got upset about it. and then i feel worse cos now 2 people are having a laugh at me. I DONT KNOW!
I feel like i know it should affect me like that. But it does and i cant help but turn something so small and not important into something massive that makes me upset. Why cant i jus shrug it off and go oh well. I always make it worse than it is so that i feel worse.
On Thursday Vaughan (my brother in law) came home stressed and him and kelly went upstairs to talk. I felt like i was in the way cos they were forced to go upstairs to get privacy. But i didnt have to eat my dinner cos there was no one around to make me.
So then Friday i got some stuff together before work cos i thought i should stay away for the night and give them some privacy and space and what not.
And my sister got grumpy with me saying its got nothing to do with me and i dont have to stay away. But Whatever were her words!
So i emailed her from work saying that i know its got nothing to do with me but it would be nicer if im not there.
So i ended up feeling bad cos i was trying to be nice.
Last night mum and I were supposed to skype call but she couldnt get her camera working so we were gonna do it this morning at 9am. At 9.15 i txt her asking when we were gonna call and she said she would be home in 20 mins and we could do it then.
And that made me feel shit. I was angry cos she had mucked me around but at the same time i felt like she did it on purpose to make me feel bad.
Then my sister says "calm down" and laughs.
So then i think she is laughing at me cos i have got upset about it. and then i feel worse cos now 2 people are having a laugh at me. I DONT KNOW!
I feel like i know it should affect me like that. But it does and i cant help but turn something so small and not important into something massive that makes me upset. Why cant i jus shrug it off and go oh well. I always make it worse than it is so that i feel worse.
On Thursday Vaughan (my brother in law) came home stressed and him and kelly went upstairs to talk. I felt like i was in the way cos they were forced to go upstairs to get privacy. But i didnt have to eat my dinner cos there was no one around to make me.
So then Friday i got some stuff together before work cos i thought i should stay away for the night and give them some privacy and space and what not.
And my sister got grumpy with me saying its got nothing to do with me and i dont have to stay away. But Whatever were her words!
So i emailed her from work saying that i know its got nothing to do with me but it would be nicer if im not there.
So i ended up feeling bad cos i was trying to be nice.
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
Update
So ive been purging for a few weeks now. And not lost any weight. I am going insane... i am eating less but not losing anything!!
I had a melt down a couple fridays ago... had been drinking (of course) i was up in my room and crying and tried to hang myself with a belt but the belt broke and i failed!
So then i cut myself quite bad and it bled so much (prob cos of the alcohol too!)
then i went to bed and txt my sister who was downstairs. Jus said i could use a hug from her.
She came straight up and i told her bout trying to hang myself. She didnt know what to say and jus cried.
I felt worse. She said knew about me throwing up and doesnt know what to do. she wants to help but cant and cant undestand why i am doing this and said its like i enjoy feel sorry for myself and thats why i dont get better. like i dont want to.
That was 2 weeks ago. They went away for the weekend and i ate nothing for the rest of the weekend, and still lost no weight. :(
Went to amsterdam and ate - not alot but i ate. and i purged too.
Im not taking my anti depressants and already feel like crap and cry all the time!!
I dont really know where my head is at the mo. I am trying to be strong cos vaughan has been stressed out and i dont wanna cause problems.
I am feeling so useless and fat and like such a failure... its doing my head in!!
I had a melt down a couple fridays ago... had been drinking (of course) i was up in my room and crying and tried to hang myself with a belt but the belt broke and i failed!
So then i cut myself quite bad and it bled so much (prob cos of the alcohol too!)
then i went to bed and txt my sister who was downstairs. Jus said i could use a hug from her.
She came straight up and i told her bout trying to hang myself. She didnt know what to say and jus cried.
I felt worse. She said knew about me throwing up and doesnt know what to do. she wants to help but cant and cant undestand why i am doing this and said its like i enjoy feel sorry for myself and thats why i dont get better. like i dont want to.
That was 2 weeks ago. They went away for the weekend and i ate nothing for the rest of the weekend, and still lost no weight. :(
Went to amsterdam and ate - not alot but i ate. and i purged too.
Im not taking my anti depressants and already feel like crap and cry all the time!!
I dont really know where my head is at the mo. I am trying to be strong cos vaughan has been stressed out and i dont wanna cause problems.
I am feeling so useless and fat and like such a failure... its doing my head in!!
work
So today at work, one of the girls in our team has been away sick for the last 2 weeks, she had one of those vomiting bugs. She is good mates with the girl who sits next to me, and she comes over a lot.
All she talks about is how much weight she lost and how disgusting it is! She lost a stone and 1/2 She is about 5'2 and is tiny any way - I have always been jealous. And now she is even smaller…and the girl next to me jus keeps saying how small she is and they both say how disgusting it is…
I had to run to the toilets cos I was crying cos I would kill to be that size. And I think she looks really nice, she is tiny… its not fair.. And now she jus keeps reminding me how big and fat and ugly I am!! GREAT!
All she talks about is how much weight she lost and how disgusting it is! She lost a stone and 1/2 She is about 5'2 and is tiny any way - I have always been jealous. And now she is even smaller…and the girl next to me jus keeps saying how small she is and they both say how disgusting it is…
I had to run to the toilets cos I was crying cos I would kill to be that size. And I think she looks really nice, she is tiny… its not fair.. And now she jus keeps reminding me how big and fat and ugly I am!! GREAT!
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
Purging
So i have gotten into a cycle of purging after dinner.
I got away with it a few days ago.. i ate a roast dinner and felt disgusting so that little voice inside my head saying you can slip upstairs they are talking they wont even hear you.. so i did.
Althought i felt kinda guilty for doing it.. i also felt good in some strange way.
I felt like i was on a high cos i was back in control and empty!
I have done it 4 nights in a row. I get a massive headache afterwards but i feel good!!
I know its wrong but it feels so right!!
I got away with it a few days ago.. i ate a roast dinner and felt disgusting so that little voice inside my head saying you can slip upstairs they are talking they wont even hear you.. so i did.
Althought i felt kinda guilty for doing it.. i also felt good in some strange way.
I felt like i was on a high cos i was back in control and empty!
I have done it 4 nights in a row. I get a massive headache afterwards but i feel good!!
I know its wrong but it feels so right!!
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
To Die or What??
So on the plane home today Kelly and I were talking bout my best mates friend who has bullimia and wants to chat to me.
Anyway the conversation got onto caring bout ourselves and i said that i know i am hurting myself but i dont care. And she asked what would i do/would i care if i was told i was gonna die tomoro cos of my anorexia.
I said NO. She asked why, and i said i wish for death so many times and wouldnt care.
She said that cant be entirely true, cos if i had wanted to die that much i would have done it by now.
Which i have attempted twice in the last 2 years and failed. But now im thinking.
How much do i want to die. She has made me think. If i wanted to die. I would just do it right.
So what am I waiting for?? Everytime i get close to hanging myself i chicken out cos i am affraid of who will find me and whatever else. But now i think if i get some sleeping tablets then whoever finds me it wont be so bad as finding me hanging.
Or i could jus jump in front of a train? Off the bridge down the road, then my sis wont find me. A stranger will.
I think i need to think about it.
I know what a massive disappointment i am. I have failed at everything, i want to recover- some days but i jus dont know if i can.
I am such a worthless waste of space. I could save my sister, my mum and my friends lots of worry and just end it all now. Save time, cos we all die sometime right.
I dont know. I feel a bit messed up. Wish i had some sleeping tablets then i could jus do it and go to sleep and never wake up, no scary build up jus sleep.
Im lost. I cant tell kelly cos she gets sick of hearing the same old shit from me. I get sick of it too. Thats another reason to do it. Stop all the shit.
I have already caused so much pain to those around me whats one more little thing gonna do.
Anyway the conversation got onto caring bout ourselves and i said that i know i am hurting myself but i dont care. And she asked what would i do/would i care if i was told i was gonna die tomoro cos of my anorexia.
I said NO. She asked why, and i said i wish for death so many times and wouldnt care.
She said that cant be entirely true, cos if i had wanted to die that much i would have done it by now.
Which i have attempted twice in the last 2 years and failed. But now im thinking.
How much do i want to die. She has made me think. If i wanted to die. I would just do it right.
So what am I waiting for?? Everytime i get close to hanging myself i chicken out cos i am affraid of who will find me and whatever else. But now i think if i get some sleeping tablets then whoever finds me it wont be so bad as finding me hanging.
Or i could jus jump in front of a train? Off the bridge down the road, then my sis wont find me. A stranger will.
I think i need to think about it.
I know what a massive disappointment i am. I have failed at everything, i want to recover- some days but i jus dont know if i can.
I am such a worthless waste of space. I could save my sister, my mum and my friends lots of worry and just end it all now. Save time, cos we all die sometime right.
I dont know. I feel a bit messed up. Wish i had some sleeping tablets then i could jus do it and go to sleep and never wake up, no scary build up jus sleep.
Im lost. I cant tell kelly cos she gets sick of hearing the same old shit from me. I get sick of it too. Thats another reason to do it. Stop all the shit.
I have already caused so much pain to those around me whats one more little thing gonna do.
Monday, 2 March 2009
Feb 09
I thought i would sum Feb up in as short as blog as i can do.
It was a hard month - i think it always will be.
My anti depressants started kicking in, so for a few days i was away with the fairies yet happy as anything.
But then as it closer to the 24th which marked the 2 year day since i was raped, i stopped sleeping completley and had nightmares.
The 23rd i broke down and my sister came in and got me and took me into her bed cos i was such a mess. Thankfully her husband was away on work. I went to sleep crying.
The night of the 24th my sister took me out to distract me which was probably the nicest thing someone has ever done for me. And i was so utterly exhuasted from 5 days of disturbed sleep that i managed to get a good 5 hours of sleep!
I lost a couple kgs, cos i panicked after coming home from Finland and weighing 52.9kgs. So i now sit at 50.2 or there abouts!! YAY! I would love to be 48kgs. but my sis wont let me.
Also had my assessment this month to figure out what kind of counselling would suit me best. I was a mess that day cos i was so nervous. But it was ok. Go back on thursday!
Found out my nana has cancer and my best mates little sister has bullimia. Both items of news made me cry so much.
I said to my best mate i can talk to her sis, cos she is like my little sis and i wanna help. So see what happens i guess.
Athens
So I'm on holiday in Athens, Ive been here since Thursday and its now Sunday night.
i can honestly say i have enjoyed myself but i wish i was normal.
Day 1. Thursday - I had lunch -a sandwich and diet coke bout 400 cals) then dinner i had 2 slices of pizza and more diet coke!
Day 2. Friday - I HAD BREAKFAST! Must have been the first time in i dont know how long. I had a toasted s/w thing and coffee... i somehow let my sister convince me that we would do enough walking that i would need something to eat cos lunch wouldnt be till later.
She was right - we had lunch bout 1pm (but i wasnt hungry cos i had eaten breakfast) i had a s/w and a coffee. Then dinner I had half a plate of seafood pasta. I went to bed full and cried my eyes out.
Day3. Breakfast again the same, lunch i had a salad... dinner we shared this platter, so i only had a meatball some calamari and some salad. But still felt full
Day 4. (today) No breakfast!! A cereal bar and coffee (80cals!!) lunch i had a chicken pita thing - i think it was high in cal cos of the way it was cooked but i didnt finish it which made me feel bit better. Dinner i had veal and vegetables but again only had 1 veal ball cos i was full.
Thing is i know i have done a lot of walking - like constantly for the last 3 days, but all i can think about it is - imagine how much weight i could have lost if i jus ate like i normally do and thats barely anything. I could be so much thinner than i am!
I am desperate to get home and weigh myself!!
i can honestly say i have enjoyed myself but i wish i was normal.
Day 1. Thursday - I had lunch -a sandwich and diet coke bout 400 cals) then dinner i had 2 slices of pizza and more diet coke!
Day 2. Friday - I HAD BREAKFAST! Must have been the first time in i dont know how long. I had a toasted s/w thing and coffee... i somehow let my sister convince me that we would do enough walking that i would need something to eat cos lunch wouldnt be till later.
She was right - we had lunch bout 1pm (but i wasnt hungry cos i had eaten breakfast) i had a s/w and a coffee. Then dinner I had half a plate of seafood pasta. I went to bed full and cried my eyes out.
Day3. Breakfast again the same, lunch i had a salad... dinner we shared this platter, so i only had a meatball some calamari and some salad. But still felt full
Day 4. (today) No breakfast!! A cereal bar and coffee (80cals!!) lunch i had a chicken pita thing - i think it was high in cal cos of the way it was cooked but i didnt finish it which made me feel bit better. Dinner i had veal and vegetables but again only had 1 veal ball cos i was full.
Thing is i know i have done a lot of walking - like constantly for the last 3 days, but all i can think about it is - imagine how much weight i could have lost if i jus ate like i normally do and thats barely anything. I could be so much thinner than i am!
I am desperate to get home and weigh myself!!
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