My mum is spinning out

My mums friend just called me, mum has been round at her place - she is freaking out about my self harming

she wants to get me comitted
she doesnt know how to help  or what to do
she thinks im going to kill myself
she wants me to move back home with her
She thinks this is all her fault...

I dont know what to do
I dont know what i think
I'm not going to kill myself
I self harm to feel something cos right now i dont feel anything but empty inside
I dont know what i feel or what i think any more

My world revolves around food and exercise and losing weight
It is my world and no one is invited.
I love my mum but this is not her fault
She did nothing wrong
I am the failure here NOT her!

I deserve nothing
I dont deserve her love- what kind of daughter am i?

Stay strong starve on

Embarrassed Part 2

So after the lady confronted me about my wrist she then came over and started jokingly saying....
"you dont need to cut your wrist amy, its ok"
"wheres your knife? i need to hide it from you"
i know she was joking, but i didnt know how to handle it, i left the office for about 15 minutes and when i came back after crying my eyes out Debs seen me and asked if candy had upset me.....
she said her daughter (who is 13) once did it so she knew all along
I ended up crying my eyes out to her.
I was/am so scared that everyone knows i self harm... im so embarrassed about what candy said
i dotn know how to joke about this, cos its all true - what she was saying....

I left work early and have been at the pub

aparantly drinking a loaf of bread worth of alcohol.....
better go for a run and do some skipping in the morning DEFINATLEY!!!

Lecture Time

Coming home from the pub tonight - my younger cousin (who i live with) she is 21 she starts telling me how i seem sad lately and i that im too thin, and the reason im so tired and weak is cos i dont eat enough, i told her i eat lots of fruit and vege and she tried to tell me i need carbs and protiens and (FML) fats....
All i could think was .....
i am empty and pure and freeing myself of fat, im not tired cos im not eating, im tired cos im working hard at perfecting my pure, emptiness. being free from fat and disgusting extra body waste. You can tell me how i need all this food, but i know i dont, cos i know you are just trying to trick me and make me eat things that make me feel guilty and make me fat. well i dont need your fat. i am empty and i am strong and you cant take that away from me!!!"

 

Embarrassed

So i cut my arm real bad the other night and ive had to put band aids on it cos its been bleeding.... and i put one of those cotton bandages things (llike when you sprain your wrist and its one of the sleeve thingys) on and ive been at work with it, and wearing my cardi but got so hot and one lady just asked me what i did to my wrist and i freaked out, paniked and said "i burnt myself" WTF?!

I should have said i hurt myself bowling last night, or i fell over but no i said i burnt myself!!

I dont know what they all think of me now!! FML !

im so embarrassed!!

Change Process Balance Sheet

So im completing this first part of the sheet and i have to list the positive aspects of my experience and the negative consequences.

So Positive Aspects

• I feel in control
• I know what foods are healthy and calorie content and how to burn calories and lose weight
• The feeling of losing weight feels like success and makes me feel good
• Losing weight makes me feel better about myself, more happier with myself
• Feels like i am finally good at something, when ive never been good at anything, have always been the useless dumb sibling so it feels like i am better at something than my famiy!
• Food distracts me from other thoughts and stresses
• Its something i know and i feel safe and comfortable knowing i can do this and be in control of something
• I am getting fit and healthy
• Being in a routine, and having daily habits - eating the same foods and the same times makes me feel sane and calmer. Keeps me feeling ordered and safe
• I have met some amazing people through my experience
• I feel stronger - mentally. Like i am finally finding out my strengths and who i am

Negative Conseqeunces

• I never feel thin - I AM FAT
• I feel guilty when i eat anything that is not on my safe list
• I am scared of eating and gaining weight - Actually I AM TERIFFIED
• I am never thin enough/good enough
• I annoy people with my constant battle with this
• I avoid some social situations cos i dont want to eat

Thats why Im so thin

The lady at work Candy asked me if i would like a sweet slice (left over from their training luncheon) i said no thank you, i dont really like sweet things....
and she then says - "thats why you are so thin, im so jealous, i would love to be as thin as you"
I dont think any one has ever said that to me before, it made me feel really good.
Ive got 2 voices going on right now ....
Voice 1 - wow am i really thin? I didnt think i had lost that much weight, maybe i have?
Voice 2 - Why the hell would she be jealous of me, she is obv being sarcastic and im not thin.
She has then bought me out a sandwhich thing -
Foccacia bread  (280) with lettuce(10), smoked chicken(60), avocado (50) and chutney (20).....
Im sitting here staring at it!!
Voice 1 - you could have a little bite, just eat the lettuce and chutney and throw the rest away, it smells so good, one bite can't hurt
Voice 2 - You've already had an apple today and i wont be going for a run tonight, how can i burn off 420 calories worth of fat in one evening?! I CANT!
Voice 1- maybe just dont eat the bread
Voice 2- but its still calories and IVE HAD AN APPLE

I want it, i think. I think im hungry. I kinda want to try it.
But i know 1 bite, leads to another and another and another and then it will be gone and i will be left feeling guilty and fat and the food will be sloshing around in my tummy while i sit at work and try to concentrate on working rather than burning the calories i would have consumed!!

Just realised the bread has butter on it too!!! EVEN WORSE!
It looks really yummy. and its been sitting there for almost 1 hour and i havent touched it.

I feel so in control but so lost at the same time!!

Not sure what to do next???

I think i need a coffee instead!!!

Food or not ?

It smells like food, it looks like food i bet it tastes like food. but its not realy food, its more like an insect trying to enter my body from the mouth and into my stomach where it slowly chews through my stomach and out my belly button while im sleeping, it wil slither away before i wake, and i dont even know it!
food - why do have to tempt me like this?
my head wants it (not it doesnt)
my body craves it (cos its fat craving fat)
so why wont i eat it?

the food is in the oven

Today ive had about 550 calories
Tea (2), starbucks coffee (150), 2 rice crakcers (80) and tuna lite (75) a bag of lite crisps (80) liqourice (150) and now im hungry and i have put 1 pattie (95) and 1 mini samosa (50) and a mini spring roll (50) in the oven...
im still deciding wether to eat it or not...
i want it cos im hungry but i know i shouldnt. i dont need it. i want it but my body doesnt need it.
maybe its burning while im writing this? and the choice wil be made
OMG just turned on tv to the biggest loser - i swear it was me on there!! IF ONLY SOMONE COULD HELP ME LOSE WEIGHT AND BE PERFECT!!!
yeah right!

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!

AM I NORMAL??

turned on the TV after reading my book for ages and an episode of SVU is on (special victims unit) its got jenniffer love hewitt and it goes step by step through her rape kit process and she talks about it all... and im sitting here wishing i could turn it off, yet i want to keep watching it.
i dunno why .....
Its hurting and ive been crying but at the same time i cant stop watching it...
i keep thinking that if she is ok - then so am i!
I know it sounds crazy cos its jus a tv show but i cannot stop watching!
i havent done anything stupid like this since i searched for him on facebook!!
i wonder if this is normal?
feeling like i relate to a tv show?!

I'm trying

At the moment, I am trying very hard not to be stressed, not be anxious, not to worry about anything and everything and most of all not to be depressed.

Im scared with work, cos as of tomorrow our new GM starts and i will taking over administration duties for all of Auckland but im terrified that i will screw it up.
I dont know where they order the stationery from? and how often? what if i mess it up?!
I'm trying to just think - it will all be ok.
but what if its not.

I keep telling myself and everyone else who asks how i am... that im doing ok. that im not actually depressed.
But what if its just the eating disorder thats masking it. what if my ed is keeping me happy cos im nt eating, cos ive lost some weight. <- i dont even know if thats possible or not!

i dunno.

guess i just have to keep trying!