I ATE !

Tonight i cooked some vegies and a sausage, and i sat down and i ate it all....
it tasted different to what i thought it would
I ate it very fast and got excited and hyper while i was eating, i think cos i was eating - im not really sure

I felt the need to say out "see i'm eating" but no one replied....

then 10 minutes later after convincing myself how good i was for eating and not purging, i was gulping down water and pushing my fingers further down my throat willing the disgusting food to get out of my body!!

I kinda of did it without realising - like sometimes when you eat on auto pilot and dont realise you're eating until its too late, thats what i did with purging!! :/

Now im in bed, i have a headache, my throat feels like an ive swallowed sandpaper and i have a bruise forming on my first fingers knuckle!!

But i feel better cos im empty. - im not 100% empty but it will do.

I will get up and go for a run tomorrow  - it will put me in a good mood for the day!!

The truth you say?

I get to see Maree (my ed lady) tomorrow, i havent seen her in 2 weeks and in that 2 weeks i've been told ive lost too much weight, told i dont eat enough (mum) told i look good (dad) purged 4 out of 7 days a week, eaten an apple every day at 10am cut into 20 bite size pieces and eaten over the space of 2 hours, ive developed a fear of tablespoons, ( i cant use them at all!) I've played 4 games of squash, gone running, had a panic attack, weighed myself daily, cried, cut, laughed, worked, avoided friends, hung out with friends, drank wine, got drunk and spewed some more...
Yet a part of me wants to tell her none of that and when she asks how im doing, i want to say - im doing really well, havent purged, eaten some food each day and feeling happy.
part 1 (the truth part) wants to be honest and let her in, but part 2 wants to pretend and make her think im fine.....

i dont know what to do!

Roast Dinner

I was so worried about dinner tonight, i am at mums place and she cooked a roast chicken , potatoes, sweet potato, pumpkin and beans and i was teriffied of having to eat all of that - i was coming up with ways to get out of it in my head all afternoon.
I only said yes to dinner cos i had nothing to do and i know mum is worrying so i wanted to make her believe i am ok and there is nothiing wrong...

I got away with it all too i think!

I ate in the other lounge away from them, with my step sister and my dog.

I ate 8 beans, 2 forkfuls of chicken, 1 bite of bread and secretly gave the rest to my dog!! :)

Im so glad thats over!!!

Bras, Bones and other things....

So today i went to the mall with my mum and step sister - we were bra shopping, mum convinced me to let the lady measure me and make sure the bras fitted ok, so i let her come in with her measuring tape and watched her as she looked at my body and sized me up and felt her cold hands as she checked the bra fitting....
she then said to me - "have you lost weight recently" and i replied "possibly"
she came back with another bra and then said "i think you've lost too much weight and dont think you should lose any more" she was being lovely and light hearted about it, not saying it in a mean way....
and i sorta just giggled nervously and said "yeah guess so"
But as soon as she left the changing room i just stood there and stared at my bare upper body with my new bra on (it has some padding and a bit of push up in it cos the lady said it looks much better than the one i chose cos it gives me some boobs) I was desperately trying to see the skinny person she said i was but all i could see was the fat the covers my arms and rolls down onto my tummy and over my hips and into my jeans.
Mum came into the change room and i could almost hear her thoughts.... the look on her face told me i have lost weight, and im sure she couldnt wait for me to put my clothes back on so she didnt have to see my body!
It was a very awkward and weird situation.

But it made me feel good!!

Someone tells me ive lost too much weight and i feel happy?! Ana you are realy living inside my head arent you!!!

Im so anxious and nervous all the time. At the mall, i had to go outside cos there were too many people and i felt like they were all watching me.

Im having a very odd day! Im so lost in my own thoughts and have been tuning out of conversations cos of the thoughts and conversations going on inside my head!!

normal

i migh be drunk but i feel normal,. i went out and i drank like normal people do, i talked like normal people do. sometiems i tuned out and thought about the calories i was consuming but mostly i tried to be normal. i hope i was successful.

random rant part 1

Mum has booked me into see a private psychologist - she seen my self harming scars and cuts and freaked out and is now doing everything possible to try and help.
I've been purging almost every day and on the days i dont purge im not eating alot.
I get hyper when i eat, i dont really kno how to explain it, but i start eating and then feel hyper like i everything is buzzing around me and i move really quickly but yet everything feels like its moving in slow motion (apart from me)
Im getting stuck into weird routines - which has never happened before. I cut an apple into 20 pieces at 10am every day and if i dont i get really anxious. I have to eat it only until midday and then throw whatever is left over out.
I am anxious in crowds of people - which is kinda normal but its gotten alot worse.
I have been exercising every day until today and i feel so guilty for not running or playing squash.
I'm not counting calories - maybe cos i know exactly the amount of calories of the foods im eating and im not varing from that.
I have however, eaten breakfast twice this week, 1 egg white - which i guess isnt much but its something
I think mum is right and that i am going to these appointments to please everyone else. I want to make everyone happy and be the perfect daughter/friend/worker but never feel like i am.
I'm still not convinced i have an eating disorder any more. I may be a bit weird with food but isnt everybody? Doesnt everyone at some point think they are fat? My cousin even said she has made herself sick when she was over full and drunk... so therefore i must be ok.
i feel more in control now than i have before. i can stop all these voices if i wanted too, i could eat chocolate (and not purge) if i wanted too, but i feel good about losing weight and being in control, why would i want to stop?
Its the buzzing that i want to stop, when i sit still its like something in my head starts buzzing and makes me want to keep moving and the only way im sleeping is by drinking some wine. only 2 glasses cos after that i hear different voices - voices that remind me that i am a bad daughter/friend/worker and that no one really likes me or cares and that the cutting makes me feel better, so only 2 glasses of wine i think!
I dont feel sad or depressed like the weird dr man asked me, i feel nothing, i feel numb, i feel full of nothingness and lost in nothingness and floating above the world watcing my life go by!
The only way i dont feel numb is when im purging or cutting.

But i guess bottom line is I can stop this when i want too, but right now im not ready to change - change makes me nervous, what if i change into someone even weirder, what if dealing with past is harder than pretending through my future!
change isnt always good and i guess that is what im scared of!!

to cry or laugh

I feel like im going to cry but I dont really know why


BE POSITIVE

I have no reason to cry - so i will not do it.

I am strong and you can't stop me. No one can!!

My mum is spinning out

My mums friend just called me, mum has been round at her place - she is freaking out about my self harming

she wants to get me comitted
she doesnt know how to help  or what to do
she thinks im going to kill myself
she wants me to move back home with her
She thinks this is all her fault...

I dont know what to do
I dont know what i think
I'm not going to kill myself
I self harm to feel something cos right now i dont feel anything but empty inside
I dont know what i feel or what i think any more

My world revolves around food and exercise and losing weight
It is my world and no one is invited.
I love my mum but this is not her fault
She did nothing wrong
I am the failure here NOT her!

I deserve nothing
I dont deserve her love- what kind of daughter am i?

Stay strong starve on

Embarrassed Part 2

So after the lady confronted me about my wrist she then came over and started jokingly saying....
"you dont need to cut your wrist amy, its ok"
"wheres your knife? i need to hide it from you"
i know she was joking, but i didnt know how to handle it, i left the office for about 15 minutes and when i came back after crying my eyes out Debs seen me and asked if candy had upset me.....
she said her daughter (who is 13) once did it so she knew all along
I ended up crying my eyes out to her.
I was/am so scared that everyone knows i self harm... im so embarrassed about what candy said
i dotn know how to joke about this, cos its all true - what she was saying....

I left work early and have been at the pub

aparantly drinking a loaf of bread worth of alcohol.....
better go for a run and do some skipping in the morning DEFINATLEY!!!

Lecture Time

Coming home from the pub tonight - my younger cousin (who i live with) she is 21 she starts telling me how i seem sad lately and i that im too thin, and the reason im so tired and weak is cos i dont eat enough, i told her i eat lots of fruit and vege and she tried to tell me i need carbs and protiens and (FML) fats....
All i could think was .....
i am empty and pure and freeing myself of fat, im not tired cos im not eating, im tired cos im working hard at perfecting my pure, emptiness. being free from fat and disgusting extra body waste. You can tell me how i need all this food, but i know i dont, cos i know you are just trying to trick me and make me eat things that make me feel guilty and make me fat. well i dont need your fat. i am empty and i am strong and you cant take that away from me!!!"