Mum has booked me into see a private psychologist - she seen my self harming scars and cuts and freaked out and is now doing everything possible to try and help.
I've been purging almost every day and on the days i dont purge im not eating alot.
I get hyper when i eat, i dont really kno how to explain it, but i start eating and then feel hyper like i everything is buzzing around me and i move really quickly but yet everything feels like its moving in slow motion (apart from me)
Im getting stuck into weird routines - which has never happened before. I cut an apple into 20 pieces at 10am every day and if i dont i get really anxious. I have to eat it only until midday and then throw whatever is left over out.
I am anxious in crowds of people - which is kinda normal but its gotten alot worse.
I have been exercising every day until today and i feel so guilty for not running or playing squash.
I'm not counting calories - maybe cos i know exactly the amount of calories of the foods im eating and im not varing from that.
I have however, eaten breakfast twice this week, 1 egg white - which i guess isnt much but its something
I think mum is right and that i am going to these appointments to please everyone else. I want to make everyone happy and be the perfect daughter/friend/worker but never feel like i am.
I'm still not convinced i have an eating disorder any more. I may be a bit weird with food but isnt everybody? Doesnt everyone at some point think they are fat? My cousin even said she has made herself sick when she was over full and drunk... so therefore i must be ok.
i feel more in control now than i have before. i can stop all these voices if i wanted too, i could eat chocolate (and not purge) if i wanted too, but i feel good about losing weight and being in control, why would i want to stop?
Its the buzzing that i want to stop, when i sit still its like something in my head starts buzzing and makes me want to keep moving and the only way im sleeping is by drinking some wine. only 2 glasses cos after that i hear different voices - voices that remind me that i am a bad daughter/friend/worker and that no one really likes me or cares and that the cutting makes me feel better, so only 2 glasses of wine i think!
I dont feel sad or depressed like the weird dr man asked me, i feel nothing, i feel numb, i feel full of nothingness and lost in nothingness and floating above the world watcing my life go by!
The only way i dont feel numb is when im purging or cutting.
But i guess bottom line is I can stop this when i want too, but right now im not ready to change - change makes me nervous, what if i change into someone even weirder, what if dealing with past is harder than pretending through my future!
change isnt always good and i guess that is what im scared of!!
I've been purging almost every day and on the days i dont purge im not eating alot.
I get hyper when i eat, i dont really kno how to explain it, but i start eating and then feel hyper like i everything is buzzing around me and i move really quickly but yet everything feels like its moving in slow motion (apart from me)
Im getting stuck into weird routines - which has never happened before. I cut an apple into 20 pieces at 10am every day and if i dont i get really anxious. I have to eat it only until midday and then throw whatever is left over out.
I am anxious in crowds of people - which is kinda normal but its gotten alot worse.
I have been exercising every day until today and i feel so guilty for not running or playing squash.
I'm not counting calories - maybe cos i know exactly the amount of calories of the foods im eating and im not varing from that.
I have however, eaten breakfast twice this week, 1 egg white - which i guess isnt much but its something
I think mum is right and that i am going to these appointments to please everyone else. I want to make everyone happy and be the perfect daughter/friend/worker but never feel like i am.
I'm still not convinced i have an eating disorder any more. I may be a bit weird with food but isnt everybody? Doesnt everyone at some point think they are fat? My cousin even said she has made herself sick when she was over full and drunk... so therefore i must be ok.
i feel more in control now than i have before. i can stop all these voices if i wanted too, i could eat chocolate (and not purge) if i wanted too, but i feel good about losing weight and being in control, why would i want to stop?
Its the buzzing that i want to stop, when i sit still its like something in my head starts buzzing and makes me want to keep moving and the only way im sleeping is by drinking some wine. only 2 glasses cos after that i hear different voices - voices that remind me that i am a bad daughter/friend/worker and that no one really likes me or cares and that the cutting makes me feel better, so only 2 glasses of wine i think!
I dont feel sad or depressed like the weird dr man asked me, i feel nothing, i feel numb, i feel full of nothingness and lost in nothingness and floating above the world watcing my life go by!
The only way i dont feel numb is when im purging or cutting.
But i guess bottom line is I can stop this when i want too, but right now im not ready to change - change makes me nervous, what if i change into someone even weirder, what if dealing with past is harder than pretending through my future!
change isnt always good and i guess that is what im scared of!!
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