I dont want to die - im just so tired of living like this

There is no reason for me to be like this, no reason for me to feel lilke this, everyone has problems, everyone has days when the sun doesnt shine bright for them, so why cant i just pick myself up and be proud of who i am, be proud of the fact that i went travelling alone for 2 years

Why am i so scared of being home- why do i constantly feel alone and like i have no friends.

I know heaps of people but who actually knows me?!

I wish i could just call my mum up and say i feel shit, i sometimes wish i was dead, can you fix me?

but how does a daughter even do that to a mother?! its not her fault im like this, so why should i put this on her?

Then there is my brother, i know he is stopping over here to pick up his stuff before he goes away for new years, i could overdose now and know that he will find me sooner or later - but then im putting it all on him and he will feel crap and have to look after me.

I dont actually want to die, its just im tired of living like this. if that makes sense

there is no out, there is no up, there is no down - its all just one giant ball of nothing in this world. no one can escape anythng

there are those who give in and those who dont. I dont want to give in, not really . but im just so tired of thinking like this.

the pull gets stronger with every minute that i sit here thinknig what to write next

how many minutes will pass until i give up and find some tablets to take.....




Maybe i will exericse instead :s

New Years Eve 2010

So new years eve this year im supposed to be heading down to the beach and meetin up with my cousin and her mates and going to a house party
Im getting really nervous just cos when i drink i get paranoid and sometimes lose control when i feel alone and lost.
And i told my cousin this and she said not to worry, just be happy and chilled and normal
and when i said i dont know how, im scared that no one will talk to me and i will be alone
she said
Just be like the old amy - she knows how

GREAT!! thanks for re-asserting the fact that i am no longer the same person...... who am i???

How am i gonna cope with this whole new years ??

i wish i could just sleep through it!!!

its all in my head

Im a little bit scared of myself lately - especially when i drink, cos when i drink, its like i have no control over my mind, my thoughts and everything.
I get upset and angry at everything/everyone especially myself, i then feel guilty for getting upset for no reason and get angry at myself and then think about suicide - even though im waaaay to scared to actualy do it, i just want to hurt myself.
Im scared to go away for new years cos i dont want to get drunk then things to turn bad in my head and me get upset again and act like a dick!!

example 1. The night of my flat warming, when no one turned up and then i was upset and then dragged out to a house party then wanted to go home but couldnt and started screaming and crying and acting like a loser, but as much as i wanted to stop myself I couldnt i had no control over my mind and my body! i ended up making a massive scene at the party and sitting out in the driveway by myself till 3am when our ride turned up.

example 2. Last thursday night, we went to the pub and jordan was supposed to sober drive - and got drunk - and then i got angry at her for not sobering driving and then decided it was my fault any way and ended up driving home. Its not quite as drastic as the first example but i had the same mind set, i got shitty at someone else, and then turned it on myself and then felt bad cos i had ruined the night.

Example 3 - tonight, my cousin has her boyfriend up from his place (he lives about an hour away) and they were in the kitchen giggling and talking quietly and i suddenly thought they dont want me here, im in the way and came into my room and got grumpy and sulky cos i felt like i wasnt included and then had a shower and went to say goodnight and suddenly reaslied it wasnt even about me - they werent talking bout me it was just in my head!!

I am scared of myself and what i will do next, cos it kind of feels as though its all building up to one massive break down, you know when you can feel soemthing bad coming but you dont know when its gonna hit. ths iss what it feels like inside myself!!

What I am Scared of

At the moment, Im having all kinds of weird food phobias.

I went to get a sandwhich at lunch but was teriffied of one with cheese in, or too much better.
I feel scared of sugar - been having sweetner in my coffee/tea
Im scared of pies - i havent had a pie in about 5 years and the reason im including this random fear is cos this evening we (work people and me) are going to the cabaret but after work we are having some drinks and nibbles here before we go and debs has ordered MINI SAVOURIES - IE PIES!
How do i explain to them, that I dont want any savouries cos im scared of them?! seriously!

Im scared of any fast food - mcdonalds, burger king.... i was a bit hungover this morning and really wanted a fatty,gross burger but im even to scared to walk in to the shop to even contemplate buying one!

Im scared of full fat ANYTHING - soy milk, butter, crisps (yes im not scared of crisps)

basically the things I am eating - is sushi, rice crackers and some fruit (when i feel like it)

Why am i so scared of food?? I've always been scared of gaining weight from eating but im now scared of the food - ive never felt like this before

and thinking about those pies is making me very very nervous!!

Feeling.....

Right now im wishing i was back in the UK where i knew who my friends were, i knew what i was doing, i was happy and comfortable and doing ok...

Here I just dont really know who my "true" friends are and im scared that I dont have any here!!

anything to be "cool"

So last Friday my best mate won this prize - it was an hour promo thing with Smirnof vodka, free drinks and nibbles at her place from 7.30pm-8.30pm.
I checked my facebook on Friday morning and seen she had posted it on facebook, asking who wanted to come so of course I replied
"any room for me" she soon replied, that they already had the limit and there wasnt enough room for me

If it had been me, the first thing I would have done would be to call my best mates and TELL them not ask them that they are coming!!

I hadnt even been a possibility...

So Friday evening I emailed her to basically say that I was hurt If i had won something - anything - my first thought is to tell my best mates and make sure they are there to experience the winnings with me
To find out on facebook that you won something was weird but then to find out there isnt enough room for me cos it was first in first served really hurt.I would have instantly called you, jords, my mum, my sis and prob haley to tell them and invite them (even though mum, kel and haley wouldnt come) But to be bottom of your list and not even thought about really hurt.

She replied saying
You know what, I completely understand that - and yes I went the wrong way about it. . . I guess I found out and rang dan as soonas I found out and then I thought shit -I already have a friends birthday picnic on that night how am I going to work this. So me and Dan thought about it and decided basically that anyone that was near our way then heading to that birthday could come over (the thing I won is only for half an hour) then go straight to erica's. A few people txt me and same with Dan so we thought how are we going to do this - can only have a few people so we thought flatmates first since they live here. . . so thats me Dan James and hayden then we had enought room for 2 or 3 others. . . Me and Dan thought rather than ask people as we couldn't decide. . . we'd just put on facebook and see who responded first. . . I know you don't like hanging out west or much like many of the people from there so I just didn't txt anyone and just waited to see who was keen . . . I don't want to ask you and then you feel like you have to come west. . . as you have told me before you have felt like you have had to do things. . . I'd rather you make your own choice. I'm sorry it worked out this way. . . if you would like to come then please come as I am sure James or someone else won't make it last minute anyway, e are going out west as soon as it is finished though so as long as you are happy to come along? you were nowhere near the bottom of my list or not thought about. . . I am really sorry I hurt your feelings.

It just sounds like an excuse basically.

She had to come into work on Monday for an interview - for a job I GOT HER! and we didnt really talk then, and I havent really spoken to her since.

She txt me on sunday to ask if i was avoiding her cos i hadnt txt her to wish her good luck with her work do, and i just said i am kinda cos i was hurt and didnt really know what to say to her!

And thats the story!

Purged

Its been a while, but the urge took over. My cousin went out and i was home alone and purged until i was physically shaking and crying and dragged myself to bed with a stomach ache, a headache and an empty feeling inside that was confusing my head!

Cut cut cut

My mum said to me on sunday arvo when she was at my flat....

"what did you do to your wrist"
"burnt myself cooking"
"oh yeah and what about there, slit your wrist cooking too"
"what are you doing mum"
"what do you mean"
"why are you embarrassing me like this"
"im not i just know how dangerous cooking can be"

THANKS MUM!!!

Stop worrying about my weight..... ok

a friend just commented on my status on my facebook - the one where i say - 15 minutes of skipping and my skiping rope tells me i have burned 200 cals...

Teresa wrote: "you need to stop worrying about your weight... seriously! you're like a stick, you have nothing to worry about.. if anything you should probably put on a little more! You're tiny!!! Learn to love yourself like the rest of us love you!! x"

Hmmmmm

Is she being sarcastic? Me a stick!!! LOL. maybe she is thinking of another Amy. The one who used to have anorexia and weigh 42kgs. Cos that is definatley not me any more.
Im a recovered anorexic, cant you see... here watch me eat! - actually no dont watch me, it makes me anxious. Just trust me when i say I eat!

And put on a little more - why would any one want to gain weight? so i can be fatter than i am now?

and 1 more thing - like everyone else does... and who is everyone else/?? all those "friends" who came to my flat warming on saturday!! OH YEAH?!

Doesnt she know its not about weight, not really - it started off that way, ithe cycle always does, lose a little bit of weight and feel better, but then it all changes and as much as you want to stop she wont let you. Your in for life, in real deep. As much as you try to escape and be normal - there is no such thing, not in her world - ruled by calories, exercise, obession, no there is no escape! not for me. not yet.

Lies

My sister msg'd me tonight and said she can see im struggling and doesnt want me to go backwards

What she fails to realise is that im already on that downward slide.

Luckily I convinced her I just had a rough weekend, and going through a rough patch but all will be fine - as always!!