When I recover

When I recover I will be able to talk about it without lying....

When I recover I will laugh without feeling guilty

When I recover I won't be afraid to ask

When I recover I will say Thank You 

When I recover I will be able to feel emotions for what they truly are

When I recover I will be brave enough to tell people I love them

When I recover I will eat chocolate cake for breakfast :)

When I recover I will cry when I am sad and laugh when I am happy

When I recover I will be free

Learning Emotions

She doesn't want to try and change my eating disorder, she isn't going to try and challenge my negative thinking, she obviously doesn't want me to self harm but see's everything as a form of control.
What she does want to do is help me learn about my emotions. She thinks I am so scared of emotions and what they are and what they mean that I run away from all sorts of emotions. Good and Bad.
I push away everything and throw myself further into anorexia cos it's too hard.
Starving, controlling, hating, negativity is easy.

She said it's up to me to make the change, I have to want this.

What if I don't want it, what if I feel like I don't deserve it, can't do it, what if there is no BETTER me.
Of course I'd love to go a day without feeling upset, anxious, sad, lonely, but what if I am that kind of person that anxious, sad depressed person, learning about emotions isn't going to help those feelings it's going to make me recognize them and learn to sit with them instead of pushing them aside.

Mindfulness is what it all comes down too and I am trying - I think.
I say I am trying, cos when I do try I can do it, when I don't try is when its too hard.

unsafe and unsure

I was feeling very unsafe about an hour ago, after Christie txt me telling me she tried to hang herself I felt scared/worried/guilty.We haven't really spoken for a few months (we're not really that close any more) but have known each other since we were 13 so will always be friends. I facebooked her on sat saying I missed her so she called me and i told her about me not doing so well recently and about me overdosing in september. She said she was trying to be positive and although stuff was going on was doing ok.
Then tonight tells me she spent last night in hospital and is going into respite care
I instantly felt guilty  -like i put the idea in her head
I should have been there for her when she needed me, i am a terrible friend. I don't deserve to be here either.
And wanted to kill myself.

I rang my sister and spoke to her and she made me think about her and her 2 children, my mum and my friends (people who would miss me)

I am going to put all of this going through my head into a box ... it's a bright shiny box (for the idea of peace) and i am going to put christie into that box. I'm putting the thoughts of me making her do this, me being the one at fault. all into the box. I am deciding if i should email all this to Melodie for tomorrow???
There is nothing i can do to help her right now - i don't know what is going on so how can it be my fault. I am struggling too and i need to think about myself as hard and as selfish as i feel for doing so

** the other thing my sister said is that how do i know christie is telling the truth? She lies to manipulate people and to make them feel guilty and feel sorry for her.... what if this is just another one of those??
But really - would someone do that is all i can think????


I DON'T KNOW

fat

I feel disgusting, I can feel the fat food in my fat tummy. I can feel my tummy getting larger, the bread I ate with garlic butter turning into fat and adding weight to my already fat stomach and thighs. I am regretting the decision I made to put the bread in my fat gob, I knew as soon as I did it that I shouldn't have done it. There was the voice telling me it wasn't a good idea but I didn't listen. I ate fat food. And now I am getting fat.
I am wishing I could purge but I know I can't, kinda wishing I could cut cos I think that may give me the same release and sitting here staring at the exercise bike wondering if there is any way I can burn 200 cals quick without being heard. I wish I hadn't eaten. It's not worth it. I will remember this for tomorrow when I go to put food on my mouth how fat and disgusting I feel. I wil remember it. I will

Cooofffeeeee

Caught up with mare for coffee today she said Melodie is worried about me, she said I am consumed by anorexia at the moment. That I am obsessing about my exercise. She said I can go and see the dietician if I want too that it's up to me she doesn't want to overwhelm me but thinks I can't keep this up. I told her I'm scared to see dietician again cos last time it helped and as much as I want help I don't. I want to be thin.
We talked about the fact that I'm scared to be weighed cos I am obsessed with a number even though I don't know what that number is yet, I'm scared that if I haven't lost weight I will feel worse and spiral further into ana. I've been restricting badly for nearly a month ( with the occasional day of normality ) and 3 weeks ago when I was weighed my weight hadn't changed at all so what if hasn't dropped at all, but worse what if I have gained- that will surely push me over the edge.
So I'm torn, I don't know what to do. I want to be thin, why can't I lose weight and be healthy?? Why is my thinking so black and white- will there ever be a shade of grey?
I also admitted to maree that I had thought about lying to Melodie about my intake so that she would let me be and I could lose weight - I told her I didn't lie though and don't want too cos I lie enough to my friends and family I don't want to me to her bit I sometimes just feel so out of control like its the right thing to do, and I get paranoid that she is conspiring against me when in actual fact she is only there to help.
Apparently it's typical of anorexics to think the way I do- I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not.
Yes I am consumed by my eating disorder at the moment but I'm not unhappy and I'm still socialising and being normal I think when I start isolating myself is when there is a problem. Obviously my weight isn't going to drop dramatically, apparently the older I get the higher my threshold for weight loss will get and the harder it wil be for me to get to my so desired 48kgs ( or anything under 50kgs for that matter)
I don't know where I am or what I am actually doing or how long I can keep this charade up for before I fall apart completely...

Homework from Therapy

So as  per my diary card, I have to write down out of the 10 the urge to self harm. I have these urges every day but most days it's a 2 or 3 out of 10 and it's a mere thought rather than a must do kind of thing. It's normally when it grows/is a 6 that i start to think about it more, and then when it hits an 8 i try to distract but by then its normally too late and it gets to a 10 and i self harm.

Anyway - the homework i have been given is to practise mindfulness with my urges to self harm.
So when i have this thought (the 2 out of 10 thought) I am to write down:

• What thoughts am i having?
• What physical sensations am I experiencing?
• What is the feeling?
• What urges am I having?

I am to not try and distract myself from thinking about self harming because I am becoming scared of the thoughts of doing it, scared, yet excited. Cos of course I don't want to hurt my body/scar myself but then I also really do.
So instead of distracting myself I am to practise deep breathing and letting the thought go.

To me this sounds really hard and bizzare and I'm wondering how this will help. But as I am a good little patient I will try my best when i can.

I'm not winning but who said it was a game anyway

It's all moving too quickly for me. Everything, everyone, everywhere.
I get left behind stuck in my mind and my thoughts and before I know it everything has moved around and moved along

i can't tell if I am winning this battle, if this is a battle or if there is anything to win.

I am making progress I tell myself when i get up in the morning, but what is progress really? Progress towards what exactly i then hear myself think.
Towards a thinner, better person (can i use those 2 words together?)
Towards a healthy Amy? Does that even exist.

I'm not really sure on much right now. I am being pulled along by a puppeteer called ana - she is taking me where she wants. She controls the strings attached to my hands and attached to the food.

My mind races with thoughts of food 24 hours a day at the moment.

I'm not even at my lowest weight again but my mind is already falling behind, retreating into it's black hole of low weight, low cal, high exercise, social exclusion
but then i refuse to let it, so i go out and party - maybe too hard?

What is too hard? And why would I say i party to hard? I hardly party at all anymore. I party soft now.

Am i still making sense? I don't sound it in my head.

I think I'm going to stop now before I confuse a wonderless mind

The Irony of cutting

"It is so strange how many different feelings cutting can bring.

I cut to punish - I feel less guilt.

I cut to control - I feel less helpless.

I cut to feel - I feel less numb.

I cut to externalise - I feel physical pain.

But then after all of that, the best part is the cleaning up and dressing of my weeping wounds. I do it so tenderly, so carefully, and it suddenly feels like somebody actually cares about how much pain I’m in - even if it is just me."

As long as you are still breathing you still have hope

You know what so long as you are still breathing, You're doing OKAY. You still have hope. You're still hanging on.
I don't why why we haven't given up, haven't given in, I don't know why we don't just say to our eating disorder "Okay you win"
I believe we do know, deep down we want to be free so we keep going, we keep pushing back and carry on breathing.
Yes sometimes it is incredibly hard but as I am quickly discovering, life wasn't meant to be easy otherwise it would be boring.

We win when we don't give up.

In each moment you fight, you prove to yourself AND Ed that you are NOT GIVING UP.

If you refuse to give up moment after moment, step after tiny step, you will turn into Ed's worst nightmare.

LOOOOOSER

It's my flat mates birthday and they are all going out for dinner, I was initially invited but then heard her say that she has over-booked so I kindly offered to not come (cos we have only just started being friends) and now I am going to be home alone and feeling shit.

My friend Liselle was going to come and see me and have some drinks - but just txt me now and said that she totally forgot she had a dinner thing with another friend but "really wants to see me, so will make it work"

My friend Nikky is too tired to come and see me :/

I'm waiting for the crisis team to call
Melodie told them about my day and she has arranged for them to call me between 7pm and 8pm and if I don't feel safe I can go into respite for the night

WOW I AM AWESOME

I think I'm going to have a drink