Caught up with mare for coffee today she said Melodie is worried about me, she said I am consumed by anorexia at the moment. That I am obsessing about my exercise. She said I can go and see the dietician if I want too that it's up to me she doesn't want to overwhelm me but thinks I can't keep this up. I told her I'm scared to see dietician again cos last time it helped and as much as I want help I don't. I want to be thin.
We talked about the fact that I'm scared to be weighed cos I am obsessed with a number even though I don't know what that number is yet, I'm scared that if I haven't lost weight I will feel worse and spiral further into ana. I've been restricting badly for nearly a month ( with the occasional day of normality ) and 3 weeks ago when I was weighed my weight hadn't changed at all so what if hasn't dropped at all, but worse what if I have gained- that will surely push me over the edge.
So I'm torn, I don't know what to do. I want to be thin, why can't I lose weight and be healthy?? Why is my thinking so black and white- will there ever be a shade of grey?
I also admitted to maree that I had thought about lying to Melodie about my intake so that she would let me be and I could lose weight - I told her I didn't lie though and don't want too cos I lie enough to my friends and family I don't want to me to her bit I sometimes just feel so out of control like its the right thing to do, and I get paranoid that she is conspiring against me when in actual fact she is only there to help.
Apparently it's typical of anorexics to think the way I do- I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not.
Yes I am consumed by my eating disorder at the moment but I'm not unhappy and I'm still socialising and being normal I think when I start isolating myself is when there is a problem. Obviously my weight isn't going to drop dramatically, apparently the older I get the higher my threshold for weight loss will get and the harder it wil be for me to get to my so desired 48kgs ( or anything under 50kgs for that matter)
I don't know where I am or what I am actually doing or how long I can keep this charade up for before I fall apart completely...
We talked about the fact that I'm scared to be weighed cos I am obsessed with a number even though I don't know what that number is yet, I'm scared that if I haven't lost weight I will feel worse and spiral further into ana. I've been restricting badly for nearly a month ( with the occasional day of normality ) and 3 weeks ago when I was weighed my weight hadn't changed at all so what if hasn't dropped at all, but worse what if I have gained- that will surely push me over the edge.
So I'm torn, I don't know what to do. I want to be thin, why can't I lose weight and be healthy?? Why is my thinking so black and white- will there ever be a shade of grey?
I also admitted to maree that I had thought about lying to Melodie about my intake so that she would let me be and I could lose weight - I told her I didn't lie though and don't want too cos I lie enough to my friends and family I don't want to me to her bit I sometimes just feel so out of control like its the right thing to do, and I get paranoid that she is conspiring against me when in actual fact she is only there to help.
Apparently it's typical of anorexics to think the way I do- I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not.
Yes I am consumed by my eating disorder at the moment but I'm not unhappy and I'm still socialising and being normal I think when I start isolating myself is when there is a problem. Obviously my weight isn't going to drop dramatically, apparently the older I get the higher my threshold for weight loss will get and the harder it wil be for me to get to my so desired 48kgs ( or anything under 50kgs for that matter)
I don't know where I am or what I am actually doing or how long I can keep this charade up for before I fall apart completely...
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