sexually abused??

I keep having these thoughts and wondering why am i so screwed up?

Even when i was 15 i cut myself for the first time and my eating was messed up in college - i wasnt raped until i was 19 why was acting this way at this age?
And as much as i research shit, alot of the stuff asks the question:
where you sexually abused at a young age?
so i start wondering did something happen that i dont remember? I have this whole period in my life that i dont really remember, from like age 3 to 12, i remember parts of it, but not alot of stuff is that normal?

And then i found an article about stuff and there was this check list and i started doing it and all signs lead to sexual abuse/incest, and i burst into tears. I really dont think it happened, but i just dont know.
would i know if it had happened or is it possible i have blocked it from my memory??

When i was 8 and 9 a friend of mine and I (she's a girl) we used to act out scenarios and we used to touch each other and stuff - as far as i remember I initiated all of this and came up with the ideas.
I was always pre-occupied with sex and used to imagine myself all the time
when i was in high school i used to use sex to try and make me feel normal. I used to freak out and panic though when i would have sex . and im not even sure why.
I used to have all these stories that i made up and i dont even know why or where they came from.
and now im so confused - were these signs of sex abuse or was this normal?

i dont know what to think!! I dont know whether Im jus being a drama queen or whether something happened and i jus dont remember it!?!

I feel sick thinking about it!